Chapter 13
Author's Note: Thank you all so much for your continued support of this story! Your reviews mean more to me than you know =D
Svenjen – Thank you! As much as I hate Gothic Barbie and like your suggestion, I've already written that she works in Brazil with an old fashion designer acquaintance of Lily's. But she will not be in this story at all so no worries. Let me know what you think of this chapter.
Tiff xoxo – Thanks!
Amy2k6 – Thanks so much! The next chapter will have more about the missing years as well as Serena. Can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.
QueenBee10 – Thank you!
Wrighthangal – Thank you so much! The Jenny incident is definitely still a sore spot for Blair, as it should be. Looking forward to what you think of this chapter.
Smp8421 – Thanks so much! Therapy is definitely something they need, it should so be worked into the show somehow, LOL. Can't wait to read your thoughts on their therapy sessions in this chapter.
Ellibells – Thank you! Let me know what you think of the progress they are making with each other.
GGfan73104 – Thanks! Glad you liked the fluff, there's some angsty fluff in this chapter. We do see a somewhat stronger Blair in this chapter but she's definitely not the strong one in their relationship at the moment. She was always the one there for Chuck and now she's depending on him to be there for her. However, she is more willing to hear what he has to say and has stopped running away. So looking forward to your thoughts on their development in this chapter.
88Mary88 – Thank you so much! I get what you mean about the Empire and I have a twist about that in this chapter. They definitely have a complex relationship and we all know how Blair can compartmentalize her feelings. She's always loved Chuck so she trying to reconcile the past with the present to build a future with him. I hope you get what I mean and I look forward to reading your thoughts on this chapter.
Rajamoon – Thanks! Can't wait to read your reaction to their continuing therapy and intensity in this chapter.
TriGemini – Thanks so much! Chuck and Blair have undeniably switched roles with Blair being the one that needs support. She loves Chuck and doesn't want to push him away but things got too much for her and that was the only way she could escape without hurting him any further, or so she thought. With Chuck sticking around she'll find it easier to relive the past because she wants her future with him. But that won't make it any easier for them. And we still haven't touched on their years apart. Talking with Serena in the next chapter will definitely give Blair some perspective on her current relationship. And then there's Blair's job, we still don't know where she'll end up, New York or London. As always, I can't wait to read your next review.
Trosev – Thank you! Glad you like the story and looking forward to what you think of this chapter.
LeftWriter224 – Thanks! Therapy is good for them, they need it. I'm happy you liked her reaction and I can't wait to see what you think of Blair and Chuck in this chapter.
Lisottina81 – Thanks! Let me know your thoughts on this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, or Ed Westwick – sigh.
XOXO
Chuck was beside himself as he waited for Blair. It had been over four hours since their session with the therapist ended. He knew talking about the past wouldn't be easy but he had no idea how hurt she still was by what happened with Jenny. The pain he saw in her eyes broke his heart. He would have given anything to take that pain away from her.
He texted her as soon as he got home to let her know that he was worried and waiting for her but she didn't respond. He must have called her fifty times and left a dozen messages, each one becoming more and more distraught as the time passed by him. He kept pacing in front of the living room windows just waiting to see her but it was too dark for him to see out when he heard the front door open.
"Blair," he cried out as he made his way to her in the foyer, "Thank god you're safe."
He went to close the distance between them but she angled herself away from him and just shook her head as she made her way up the stairs. "Can you let me get ready for bed before we talk?" she asked as she stopped when she was halfway up. "Please."
Chuck nodded as he watched her walk up the stairs, disappearing around the corner to the bedroom. The only good thing he noted was that he didn't hear the door slam. He felt so out of his element and it was his natural instinct to run but he just couldn't do that this time.
He and Blair had finally reconnected after seven years and there was no way he could throw that away. She was the love of his life, the only woman who ever made him feel true happiness. And he knew that even after all he put her through, he was the love of her life as well. Their journey had never been easy but he was going to make it his life's goal to make sure she never felt any pain because of him ever again.
Blair felt numb as she got dressed for bed. After spending hours wandering around trying to figure out how she felt, she kept coming back to the same conclusion. No matter what transpired in the past she loved Chuck more than ever. They were going to get married and she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him. She just wasn't sure how she was going to get to that forever with him now.
She spotted him in the doorway and couldn't help the tears that welled up in her eyes. Chuck looked devastated and she knew her words at their therapy session cut him deeply but it was how she felt and she just reacted.
"This is harder than I thought," she said from under the covers as she made eye contact with him. "Reliving this all is gut wrenching. I feel like it just happened."
"What can I do to make this easier for you?" he asked, desperate to take her pain away.
"There's nothing you can do," she told him sadly. "Just don't leave me because things got complicated again."
"I'd never, not after all that's happened. Can I please stay in here with you tonight?" he asked as he still stood in doorway, not wanting to intrude on her personal space without asking.
"If you want to," she said as she turned over so her back was to him.
Chuck wanted to, more than anything, so he made his way over to the bed as he undid his tie and kicked off his shoes. He carefully got under the covers when he was only in his boxers and got as close to Blair as he could without touching her, unsure of how to behave after the day's events.
"This is one of those times I need you to carry me," she whispered as she reached for his hand and laced her fingers through his, pulling his arm around her. "There's no way I can be the strong one during this."
"I'm here," he said as he sidled up behind her and pulled her flush against him. "I'm not going anywhere, Blair. We'll get through this together. I promise."
"I love you," he told her as he kissed her neck and could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes as he felt her silent sobs.
"Chuck," she said as she rolled over to face him, "There's something I need to tell you. And I don't think you're going to like it."
"Whatever it is, we'll deal with it," he said as he felt her starting to tremble. "You're scaring me, love. You have nothing to hide."
"Remember when I said that I already forgave you for the deal with Jack over the Empire?" she asked as her tears continued falling.
He nodded as she continued, "That was because it wouldn't have been the first time I slept with him for you."
"What?" Chuck asked as he felt his heart stop. "I thought you only slept with Jack that one time during senior year."
"When you disappeared after Bart's funeral, I was desperate to find you," she told him through shaky breaths. "Jack showed up and promised me that he would bring you back in one piece if I slept with him. He told me that it would be easier for him if you stayed gone but that he would personally escort you back to the city in exchange for one night with me. So I did it, for you."
"Why didn't you ever tell me this?" Chuck asked as he pulled back from her to really look her in the eyes. "We were together for a year and you never told me that."
"When you do something you're ashamed of, you tend not to elaborate on it," she said while cringing.
"I could kill him," Chuck seethed through clenched teeth.
"No need," Blair said wryly. "I found out he's in an assisted living facility in Melbourne. A car hit him four years ago and he's completely paralyzed."
Chuck's face remained impassive as she reached out to touch his cheek. "I'm sorry I never told you until just now," she said as she leaned into him. "I don't want to have any secrets from you anymore but I can't have you leave me because of this either."
"I'm not leaving you," he assured her as he wrapped his arms back around her as she let out a sob of relief. "I can't help think how I would have reacted if I'd known about this back then."
"You freaked when you found out I slept with him and you didn't want me after that," she said as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I was afraid you'd think less of me if you knew I'd essentially pimped myself out for you. When we got back together it just didn't make sense to tell you. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, please," he said as he kissed the top of her head. "It happened, we can't change it. And it doesn't equate to me sleeping with Gothic Barbie."
"About that," she started as she looked up at him, "It's always going to hurt when I think about you two having sex but like you said, it's happened. We both have pasts, and lots of naked skeletons in our closets, but if we're to have a future together we need to face them head-on knowing that we don't want to be with anyone else."
"You don't want anyone else, right?" she asked with panic.
"I only want you," he smiled. "Listen, talking about my feelings in therapy isn't easy for me but it's something I have to do if I want us to have a solid future. And I'm willing to do anything for us, for you."
"Thank you," Blair told him quietly as she stifled another sob. "I love you, Chuck."
"I love you," he said as he soothingly rubbed her back. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I will, and it's all because of you," she yawned as she finally allowed herself to relax on his chest.
He could feel her breathing even out as she drifted to sleep. Chuck wasn't able to sleep at all, he just held Blair all night as every shameful thing he'd ever done to her ran through his mind on a loop, haunting him until the morning.
XOXO
"Yesterday brought to the surface some very unpleasant memories for you both," Dr. Watts said at the start of their appointment.
"It did," Blair told him, "But we talked last night and I feel in a better place to revisit our past now."
"That's good to know," Dr. Watts said. "How do you feel about that, Chuck?"
"Like I wish I knew at seventeen what I know now," he said. "But that's life, right? We know we can't erase what happened, however, that doesn't make it any easier when we revisit it."
"What about you, Blair?" the doctor asked. "When you walked out yesterday you were in no mood to talk about the past. Have your feelings changed at all since talking with Chuck?"
"Somewhat," she said. "I hate that so much had to go wrong for us in the past. It happened, it's not something we can change and I know that. I also know that Chuck is the only one I want to be with. He makes me happy and I love him. So to answer your question, yes. I don't want to talk about the past but it's needed if we're to move forward."
"I'm in this for life," he said as he took Blair's hand. "There is no one else I want to marry. And I know it's going to be hard at times, but that's okay. Blair is worth it."
She felt herself tearing up at his words when the doctor asked, "What about yesterday made you so upset? Was it that Chuck cheated on you?"
"I never cheated on Blair," Chuck told her and the doctor.
"He didn't cheat on me with her," Blair said, still not able to verbalize Jenny's name. "But she is the one person he knew I'd never be able to get over. But it happened, and I know it won't happen again."
"When we were together I was nothing but faithful," Chuck said. "The only time I went back to sleeping around was when Blair made it crystal clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. Was it wrong? Yes. But I did realize it wasn't helping me when she left for good."
That made the tears fall. "I'm sorry," Blair said as she tried to choke back her sob. "But why did it take so long for you to wait for me?" she exclaimed. "Why did it take me moving across an ocean for you to get your act together?"
"Because I was an idiot," he told her. "I thought you'd always be there for me, no matter what I did, and that wasn't right. You deserved a life without my selfishness."
"And I got it," she said, "But I never wanted it. Life without you is not my life."
"Blair," the doctor cut in, "Can you explain that comment?"
"Chuck was the first person to really see me for all that I am and want me," she told him. "He's the first man I was ever with. There's something to be said about never forgetting your first. And no other man ever came close."
"It hurt that he was able to move on so easily," Blair said. "When I saw him in France he was living with some reformed hooker, who he brought back to New York."
"Eva was a mistake," he said as he tried to take her hand only to have her shake him off. "I wanted you."
"And I pushed you away, I know," she snapped as she knew where he was going with this. "I should have taken you back after Saints and Sinners but I didn't. You let me go too easy, you didn't fight for me, I wanted you to fight for me."
"Blair," Dr. Watts interjected, "Our time is almost up today. Is there anything you or Chuck would like to finish with?"
"I love you, and I'm sorry," Chuck said as he took Blair's hand in both of his. "We've both made mistakes. But we did find out way back to each other, that has to mean something."
"It means we never learn," she told him. "I do love you though. Let's just call it a wash for today. Good?" she asked as she looked at the doctor.
"For now," he said as they stood to leave.
XOXO
They were back in full swing at their next therapy appointment.
"You don't need to go into detail about your rainforest sex," Blair said. "But Raina, she meant something to you."
"It wasn't real," Chuck stated. "The only thing that's ever been real was you and I."
"That doesn't mean you didn't fall for her," Blair said as the tears once again began forming in her eyes. "You called her sacred and opened up to her and after only knowing her a few weeks. It took you years to open up to me. Getting you to do that with me was like pulling teeth. Why were you able to open up so easily with Eva and Raina? It's like I meant nothing."
"Blair," Chuck said as he turned to face her, "You mean everything. The only reason I was able to show any emotion to anyone else was because of you. The only woman that ever meant anything to me was you. Anyone else was just a cheap imitation of what I felt for you."
"Chuck," Dr. Watts interjected, "We've touched on this before, but what makes Blair different from the other woman you've been with?"
"She's Blair," Chuck stated. "I've known her since I was six years old. I respected her, and no other woman got that from me. When she kissed me before our first time together, I was unsure. Never in my life had I been unsure of having sex. But I knew Blair was a virgin and I didn't want to disappoint her on her first time."
"Oh, please," Blair said through pursed lips, "I know I'm not the first virgin you were with."
"No, but you were the first virgin I was with that I cared for," he told her. "That night in the limo was the first time I put someone's pleasure above my own. I knew what a big deal your virginity was and I wanted it to be something you remembered fondly, not something you regretted."
"Do you regret it, Blair?" the doctor asked.
"No," she said quietly, "But I regret how I acted after that. We've talked about Chuck's dalliances but after our first time I told him he was a mistake. I then proceeded to win back my ex-boyfriend. I was a thoughtless teenager who put my reputation over the only man I ever loved. We can pretend he's the only one with faults but I'm just as bad."
Chuck was rendered speechless at that admission. Never before had Blair admitted that she was at fault as well. Hearing that from her gave him hope that they would be able to get through what was to come.
After delving into their early days a while longer, Dr. Watts looked at his watch and said, "We've made quite a bit of progress today. Let's call it a day and I'll see you both tomorrow."
XOXO
They walked silently into the house before making their way up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Their therapy session that day covered what happened after Chuck and Serena walked in on Blair's kiss with Dan. It erupted into a screaming match at one point but the doctor was able to talk them both down.
Having all this emotion bubbling up to the surface had them both on edge. The sexual tension between them was building more with each day but Chuck didn't want to have anything resembling hate sex with Blair. That was something he wanted in the past, not in their newfound relationship.
His back was to her as he got undressed for bed when she grabbed his hand and pulled him around to face her.
"I need you, Chuck," Blair said as she reached up to kiss him with both hands on his face. "Make love to me, show me you still want me."
"Blair," he panted as he pulled back for air, "I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Not a good idea?" she exclaimed. "Sex is the one thing we've always been amazing at and you don't know if it's a good idea. I can feel the heat between us."
"I don't want just sex with you," he told her as he held her shoulders. "I want us making love to be making love, not something we do to forget our problems."
"Nothing will make me forget our problems," she said as she began to tremble. "But I need to feel connected to you and making love is the only way we can do that now. Please don't make me beg."
"I love you," he said hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "I'll do whatever you want me to."
"Make love to me," she requested as she guided his hand to the zipper on the side of her dress. "I need you."
As soon as he saw the tears in her eyes, he knew he couldn't deny her. His head was telling him this was a bad idea but his heart and body were encouraging him to make love to her like he never had before.
His hands gently pulled the dress over her head before he swept her up in his arms to carry her the ten feet to the bed. As he lay her down, her body bucked up to stay in contact with him.
He lowered himself to her as Blair wrapped her arms around his neck. She moaned as he unhooked her bra and captured one of her nipples with his mouth.
"Chuck," she gasped as his hand began to gently massage her other breast.
"Let me take care of you," he rasped as he pulled back to kiss the valley between her breasts as he made his way down her body. "Let me show you how much I love you, how much I want you."
He continued kissing his way south when he gripped her hips and kissed his way from her one hip to her wet core. She was already moaning as his tongue flicked over her sweet spot and she writhed under him. He could feel her climax intensifying as he alternated between long strokes of his tongue and quick darting in and out motions. He kissed around her core after he felt her shudder against his lips and made his way back up to her mouth.
"Don't ever doubt my need for you," Chuck told her as he positioned himself between her legs. "I love you, Blair."
She pulled him to her for a kiss as he entered her, moaning into his mouth. They continued to kiss as they slowly rocked up and down. He started to move faster when Blair wrapped her legs around his waist to still his movement.
"Thank you," she said as she looked into his eyes, "I needed this, I needed you."
"We needed this," he said as he captured her lips again as he brought them both to their peaks. Once Chuck collapsed next to Blair, she lay still for a few minutes before curling into his side.
"I love you," she whispered. "And I do want to put our pasts behind us, it's just hard with all that's happened."
"I know, and I love you," he told her as he wrapped his arms around her bringing her closer to him.
He didn't know what else to say that would make her feel better, make him feel better, so he just held her as she fell asleep, rubbing her back and softly kissing the top of her head, praying that things would get better for them.
XOXO
Nate met up with Chuck for drinks that next week. It was late afternoon but it was the only time they could meet as Blair was still at work and they had therapy sessions every night and on Saturdays.
"How are things going with the therapy?" Nate asked as they sat at the bar of Chuck's new hotel in Chelsea.
"Things got messy we're working through it," Chuck told his friend as he looked at the scotch he swirled around in his glass. "There's nothing that will make me run this time, I won't do it."
"What have you discussed?" Nate asked. "If you don't mind me asking."
"It's fine," Chuck said as he took another sip of his drink, "We talked about what happened with Jenny and Eva and Raina. Looking back I can't believe how cruel I could be towards Blair, how self-destructive I really was."
"So you know she knew about that Valentine's Day," Nate implored as he looked at his friend hunched over the bar.
"I knew about that back in New York," Chuck said. "She told me that when we finally talked and she kind of forgave me. But I had no idea the extent of how she felt."
"How is she doing?" Nate asked. "She briefly responded to my texts but said she was swamped with work. Are you two talking outside of therapy?"
Chuck nodded as he downed his drink before calling the bartender over for another. "She's as good as you can expect," he shrugged. "She's quieter than usual but she's not pushing me away so I'm taking that as a good sign."
"You're doing all you can," Nate said as he put his hand on his friend's back. "You know how Blair is, she hates showing weakness but she loves you. Give her time."
"I know," he said as he took another sip, "It's just hard."
"You still going back to New York this weekend?" Nate asked.
"No," Chuck told him, "I can't leave until we're in a better place. And that could take a while."
"What about Bass Industries?" Nate asked. "Can you work from here?"
"I have my laptop and I've been working while Blair's at the office," Chuck said. "It won't be a problem to continue working remotely. That's the nice thing about being the boss, no one can tell you no."
"That's good," Nate said as Chuck's phone went off. "Blair?"
"Reminder," Chuck said as he turned it off, "We meet up in an hour. You up for one more drink?"
"Oh, yes," Nate told him as he signaled for the bartender.
XOXO
"Blair," Lily said when she answered her phone, "Serena and I are back in the city. She wants to see you but is too afraid to call you. Is there any way you could come back home?"
"I have work during the week, Lily," Blair told her. "But I could try to come out for the weekend. Only the weekend though."
"That's all I'm asking for," Lily said. "It would mean so much to me if you could come back. Billy talks about you and Chuck non-stop, he'd love to see you both again."
"He has?" Blair asked with a smile. "I'll talk with Chuck and he'll call you with our travel details. Give Billy a kiss for me."
"I will," Lily said. "And thank you, you're a wonderful friend."
"I'll see you soon," Blair told her as she hung up the phone.
"Chuck," she called when she saw him pass in the hall.
"Yes," he said with unease as he stood in the doorway. They only made love that one time in the ten days since starting therapy and things between them became more and more distant.
"Serena's back in New York," she said. "Lily told me that she wants to talk to me. I said I'd check with you about taking the jet. And Billy misses you."
"I'll arrange it, I miss the kid too," he smiled. "When did you want to leave?"
"I'm working so it would have to be Friday at the earliest," she said as she got up from behind her desk to stand in front of him.
"Sounds good," he said as he looked at his feet.
"Hey," Blair said as she wrapped her arms around him, "I've missed you."
"I've been right here," he told her as he rested his hands on her hips.
"Things have been weird since we were together last week," she said as she looked up at him. "Was it that bad?"
"I thought you were avoiding me," Chuck said. "We could never be bad."
Blair laughed into his chest, "I thought you were avoiding me. What do you say we don't avoid each other in bed? We have some catching up to do."
"I'd love that," he smiled as he took her hand.
Please review if you'd like me to continue. Lots of you have favorited or alerted this story but have yet to leave a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts and it's very easy to do, not to mention it would really make me smile =D
I always thought that there had to more to Blair sleeping with Jack on New Year's during season two so this chapter was what I think happened. Did you think that could have been why or do you think she just got drunk and missed Chuck so she went for the only Bass man she could get her hands on?
The therapy sessions weren't as long as the next ones will be. I didn't want to rant/dwell on them but I feel I expressed their emotions sufficiently. When they talk about their time apart it will be much longer as that all comes from me, not what we've seen on the show.
Preview of the next chapter – Serena and Blair finally talk about what happened seven years ago, cute moment between Chuck and Billy, Chuck and Blair go back to London and talk about their years apart in therapy. I haven't decided if I'll have Blair's promotion be in the next chapter or the one after it but it's coming soon. There will also be more talk of their wedding and how they plan on moving forward with one another.
As always, any suggestions on what you want to read or what you think Chuck and Blair did during their time apart? This story is far from over.
Remember, more reviews = more love = faster update =)