Afterwards

He seemed so relaxed while they were away but when they returned he reverted back to his previous cold distant ways not long after that. Since he was so free while they were on holiday she figured she could draw him out again if given enough time. He felt restricted once they were back in familiar surroundings. He couldn't explain to her why he was suddenly cold again he just knew you couldn't stay on holiday forever. This was his real life.

Agreeing for once to join Amanda and her friends at a pub to celebrate Amanda's birthday, Severus watched as Jennifer downed drink after drink. She ignored his displeasure at her drinking so much in public but there wasn't much he could do. This was only the second time he had accompanied her to one of these outing. He only agreed to join her tonight because he thought she would find someone else if kept sending her off alone with her friends.

He was envious of how free she seemed to be. Her friends were polite but it was obvious they thought he was strange and found it hard to believe Jennifer was seeing him. She ignored his obvious discomfort and tried in vain to engage him in conversations with her friends. He answered every question with little more than a single word and she later gave up entirely. The pub was full of loud boisterous Muggles constantly bumping into him drunkenly asking him about his robes. He had sunk so far, he didn't think he could stoop any lower. Three years prior he was a spy helping win the war and now he's socializing with Muggles in a Pub.

Stepping outside to get some air he found her draped across some bloke when he returned.

''Severus this is Nigel and he was telling me the funniest thing weren't you Nigel.''

Looking at Severus' face, Nigel begin to back off ''she's all yours mate.''

Looking annoyed and putting her arm around his shoulder, ''no Nigel is my friend he can stay'' she said slurring her words.

The vein on Severus' temple was pulsating and jerked her away from Nigel causing her glass to come crashing to the floor. ''We're leaving, '' he snarled.

Her friends protested but Jennifer agreed to go, mouthing ''I'm sorry Amanda'' on the way out.

Back at his home he was furious at her behavior, ''what are you playing at? Chatting up a perfect stranger!''

''He's no one just some guy. At least he paid attention to me. You were ignoring me.''

''You think you're being ignored! Anyone shows you the slightest bit of attention you feel the need to throw yourself at them! You will apologize to me this instant!''

''Apologize for what?''

'' For being intoxicated in public and making a fool out of me. Your behavior was inexcusable.''

''I'm sorry you're a fool.''

He figured it was a waste of his time to continue speaking to her since she was obviously more inebriated than he first realized and doubted she would remember any of this in the morning. Disgusted, he pushed her away. ''I'm going to bed.''

Already unstable she started to fall down but he grabbed her before she hit the floor.

''I don't need your help.''

''Very well'' he said turning to leave and let her to sleep off her drunkenness. She rarely stayed the night but he wasn't in any kind of mood to deal with her any longer. He should have just took her back to the flat even if her brother was entertaining as she said earlier.

''Why won't you talk to me anymore? You act as if nothing changed since we got back from vacation and you've virtually ignored me. Emotionally you're just not there."

The surprisingly sober question gave him pause. He had once again been keeping her at a distance because she had caused him to feel too vulnerable and it wasn't a feeling he enjoyed.

He knew it was a lie as soon as he said the words. ''Nothing significant did change.''

''Every time we have sex you don't feel anything anymore? I'm just a warm body?'' She said with a few tears.

He hates tears and acted as if he hadn't seen them. He just stood there with a dead expression trying not to betray his true feelings. He couldn't give her any kind of explanation because he didn't fully understand it himself.

''ANSWER ME!''

Still standing wordless, he refused to respond.

''Fuck you Severus you're pitiful. Spending your time hiding away in this house and brewing your worthless potions while you run around town trying to impress me talking about how dangerous you are. You're nothing but a sad, insecure coward afraid of your own feelings. I hope those people hunt you down and leave you to rot in this shit hole of a house!''

''HOW DARE YOU!'' he said, grabbing her so hard by the upper arm if his fingernails had been sharp instead of blunt they would have pierced her flesh.

''I brought you into my home and took you on holiday and you have the audacity to call me names. You ungrateful Muggle bitch.''

Without realizing what he was doing he briefly raised his hand as if to strike her. He'd seen his own father do it so many times before but stopped himself when she flinched and in that short moment she looked every bit as scared as his mother used to. Just like him, he had promised himself he would never strike a woman but here he was turning into his father. He was horrified at the thought.

''So, you're going to hit me now! Is that what you do? Go ahead you scared little-''

''SHUT UP!'' He was now blazing with anger and quickly pulled her down to the floor as her drunken reflexes were too slow to respond.

''You wanted my attention, well you have it now,'' he said, forcing her legs apart. He was going to make her remember her place.

''Severus, stop it! Don't do this! No!'' she pleaded, tears streaming down her face, unable to do much of anything since he'd cast a nonverbal spell holding her down. He was trying to coax a response but his own limp body was unwilling to cooperate in what he was about to do.

''You don't tell me no!''

''Stop it! Please Severus no, LET ME GO, DON'T DO THIS! ''

As his arm was pressed against her he glimpses the faint outline of the dark mark. The power of the mark long gone but his own anger was now holding sway over him more so than the mark ever did. He loathed himself for what he almost did grasping at the idea that he wouldn't actually have followed through.

In a voice, barely above a whisper and much too low for her to hear, ''I'm sorry.''

After fixing her clothes she kicked him in the groin, ''don't you ever do that to me again.''

Immediately recovering from his brief twinge of pain and seconds after he felt revulsion, he shook off the feeling just as quickly. Sneering he was angry again. ''Or what? You'll scream? Ring the authorities? Tell your brother? Use your Abracadabra magic on me? I can with you as I please you little cunt. I can show you real pain. Pain beyond anything your simple mind could comprehend."

''Don't make empty threats against me.''

Grabbing her again, ''my threats aren't empty! You think you know me just because we've shared a bed? You're extremely ignorant if you believe I won't hurt you.''

''I do know you! Better that anyone else.'' Shaking him loose and with a finality he didn't like ''goodbye Severus.''

''Where do you think you're going? I'm talking to you!''

''I'm tired, I give up. You're a repressed, self-loathing, broken, piece of shit, incapable of feeling ANYTHING! IT'S NO WONDER YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU! WHO COULD BLAME THEM!''

''THEN GO ALAMORA!'' THERE'S THE DOOR, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!''

Several hours later his anger had subsided but he was upset with himself for letting his emotions take over. The thought that he almost hurt her in such an intimate way was devastating. He believed everything she said was true, he'd always thought it.

The next morning Jennifer felt as if she could finally exhale and had been holding her breath all these months. She cried on and off all day and felt horrible about bringing up his parents. She thought to herself, what kind of person taunts a man about his childhood abuse. Going over yesterday's events in her head she thought she made the right decision to leave. If she had any doubts her arm had a finger shaped bruise on it where he'd grabbed her. She brushed off his near assault, knowing now he wasn't really going to hurt her. She was angrier that he was so callous and showed so little regard for her feelings.

So quick to anger, so willing to chase her away with thoughtless words. In the end, she decided it was a combination of his inability to gauge his own strength and her history of bruising easily. But still, it was his first thought to raise his hand hit her. He caught himself but it was still his first thought. It scared her that his anger was so strong.

Three days later he tried to reach her in the mirror but realized she had broken it. Allowing her enough time to settle down he held off contacting her for a few more days. At least in the beginning. He stood outside debating her odds of answering the door but decided to knock anyway. Listening on the other side of the door she refused to answer but she wasn't alarmed by his insistent knocking. If he really wanted to get inside he could, but she didn't think he'd go that far. That same week he created enough flowers to fill a small shoppe, but she didn't bring them in. When she woke up, there was a single rose next to her pillow.

He wanted her to know he'd been there but he was growing impatient with her stubbornness.

Later that evening Jennifer called the only person she thought would listen. '' Amanda, I think he's stalking me.''

''I think you're just imaging it.''

''No, he left a rose on my...doorstep.''

''You just had a fight and he's trying to make it up to you. Just call him.''

She hung up the phone feeling a little better than when she first called.

Maybe she was overreacting he was certainly capable of worst. The rose aside, he really hadn't done much more than other men she'd dated.

Stopping off to buy a few items for that night's dinner she saw him sitting alone having a drink through the window of a pub. She walked quickly hoping to avoid him.

''Jennifer,'' turning around he was unshaven his clothes were disheveled and his hair was as greasy as the first time they met.

''Hello Severus''

Instead of speaking he just looked her up and down expecting her to look as bad as he did.

''Clearly, you've been doing well.''

''I'm enjoying my stay here if that's what you mean.''

''Enjoying it better without me, is that more precisely what you meant? While I'm wasting, my time drinking with a bunch of dim Muggles waiting for you to pass by."

''Severus I didn't say anything of the sort. It's over so you need to move on... stop following me.''

He'd been following her out of frustration hoping she would speak to him but each time she ignored him completely. He wasn't about to lose her the way he did Lily because she meant too much to him. This was different. Lily felt like a lifetime ago but Jennifer was here right now and not some unrealized fantasy.

Grabbing her, ''I need to talk to you."

''Why? It's perfectly clear you don't want me around. You had your chance.''

''Please?'' Why was he the one asking for forgiveness he thought. She walked out on him. He thought this conversation was absurd but there seemed no other way to talk to her.

''We don't have anything to discuss. What was it you called me... an undeserving? No, an ungrateful bitch.'' What am I ungrateful for? I should be grateful just to be in your mere presence? Grateful that I get to fuck you? Grateful for a few magic tricks you've showed me? Grateful that I let you insult me whenever you're in the mood? Or grateful that you humiliated me in front of my friends? Tell me professor what exactly am I supposed to be grateful for?''

''And you have no guilt in this? You shamelessly threw yourself at him.''

''It's not about him Severus it's you. It's always about you. Why can't you understand that? You don't know how to deal with people... with me. Look I know I was drunk and being stupid but you overreacted as usual. But I'll tell you this, I'm going to fuck any man who halfway looks at me now and act like the whore you accused me a being.''

Controlling his anger by clenching his teeth, ''I think we've both said things we now regret but I never called you a whore.''

''Well you sure as hell implied it.''

''We shouldn't be discussing this on the street.'' He lightly pulled on her arm to get her to follow him.

''Don't do that!'' she said slapping him so hard across the face it left a pink mark.

She went into an alley to get off the street and he followed.

''You tried to rape me.''

''I'm sorry''

In her best English accent impression, ''I'm sorry, I tried to rape you.'' She looked at him and he looked ashamed. ''Is that the only apology I deserve? Do you hear yourself?''

''Yes, I do, and I'm sorry I was angry. ''

''I guess once a Death Maker always a Death Maker?''

For some odd reason, he corrected her. ''Death Eater''

''What?''

''The correct name is Death Eater Not Death Maker.''

She gave him an incredulous look. ''You wanna say that again?''

''No''

''Yeah, thought not.'' She turned around to leave and he gently took her arm again,'' I'm sorry, sometimes... I have trouble controlling my anger.''

''That's a shitty excuse.''

''Jennifer, do you honestly believe I'd try to hurt you? You know perfectly well I was just toying with you. I would never hurt you that way.''

''But it's okay hit me and knock me unconscious.''

''I didn't it hit you and I'm done apologizing for the latter.''

''You wanted to hit me and you were going to rape me.''

''But I didn't'' he said softly.

''You're a murderer so you can understand why I might have thought you were serious.''

This stung more than the rape accusation and hurt him immensely but he didn't let it show on his face. '' I was trying to scare you nothing more.''

She just quietly shook her head. ''I'm not some frightened child you can intimidate just leave me alone.''

''Listen to me. I could never... I wouldn't do that to you... to anyone.''

''Except you almost did.''

He wanted to explain himself but this was such a surreal conversation. ''I was confused''

''Just stay away from me. I'm going to find myself a real man. One that isn't so pathetic he has to use magic to get a woman in his bed. No one but me would have been stupid enough to be with you otherwise.'' She looked at him with disgust. He didn't say anything to defend himself and it didn't matter that it wasn't true. After all this time together, this is what she thought of him.

She left him standing there turning back to look at him one last time. He was still there watching her. She believed he was sincere but at this point I didn't really matter. He left her with a jumble of feelings and despite his actions she still wasn't the slightest bit afraid of him. She knew her words were vicious and if any other man had even hinted at what he did she would have been livid and called the police. With Severus, they both seemed to easily alternate between surrendering to other, then wanting to dominate them at the same time. He could be quite malleable at times bending to her every desire but just as quickly unyielding with even the smallest request. She had made up her mind he wasn't good for her and wouldn't see him anymore.

He wanted to know her thoughts so badly but if he intruded in her mind she would never forgive him. She was aware he had taken to overtly following her when he wanted to make his presence known such as the rose on her pillow but he was just as certain she was blind to the fact that he sometimes watched her sleeping.

Using an invisibility charm, he would spend a few minutes watching her sleep some nights before returning to his own home. After their argument that afternoon he wanted to know if she was indeed going to sleep with the first man she ran across. He found her at home talking to her brother as he advised her he would be away for a few days on holiday with his newest love interest. Thinking to himself that her brother was perhaps the laziest man he knew even for an American and probably only nourished his abilities just enough to bed women more than anything else. He didn't have half the work ethic his sister did and only stumbled into a career. While she worked long into the night often bringing her computer along on their meals out, he never seemed put in a full day's work.

''You know Clovis is still asking about you.''

''Who?''

''Clovis, my friend from work. He's single and he'd still like to meet you.''

''Charles, people aren't interchangeable. I can't just switch out Severus for some random guy you know.''

''I'm just saying if you wanted to meet a wizard I can introduce you.''

''I wasn't looking to meet one in the first place it just happened.''

''I know but-''

''I don't wanna to meet your damn friend alright!''

Charles left her alone in her room doing her laundry watching television. Severus was glad to see she wasn't out making good on her threat tonight and he was pleased to she told off her annoying brother. He was about to leave getting bored watching her sort her clothes when she came across one of his robes and shirt. Severus had no way of knowing but a thousand things ran though her mind. Some of them were disturbing, but most were pleasant. Tightly clutching his robes, she closed her eyes and inhaled the aroma of his cologne with a wide smile.

After getting up to lock the door she then went to the bed and laid down on her side taking his robes with her. She was simply watching the television but every couple of minutes she sniffed his robes. If he had read her mind he would have known that she missed him and was on the verge contacting him soon. They hadn't been separated for more than a few days since they met. She began to rub her thighs together before she moved her hand inside her knickers. She then slid off all her clothes as her hand once again wandered down her body. She suddenly turned on her back giving him a delicious view of herself spread out on the bed. Her fingers were moving madly between her legs as her breathing increased and she began to moan. He watched as she thrashed about obviously loving her own touch for a few minutes until she let out another high-pitched moan before drifting off to sleep with his robes still lying beside her.

She was so absorbed in herself that she didn't even notice he had moved closer in and wasn't blending with the background quite so well this time. The urge to join her was so strong but he doubted even in this state she would be receptive to the idea of him spying on her. Aroused while watching her pleasure herself he silently took care of his own physical needs using his hand before he left. The day wasn't a complete waste because he left both relieved that she wasn't seeking someone else and overjoyed as she was clearly thinking about him. She needed more time he was certain that's all she needed.

Sitting in Charles' flat Amanda had stopped by hoping to cheer her friend up. ''Jennifer come on. Stop moping around let's go out."

''I just don't feel like it.''

''It's better than sitting around here all alone. Just come and have a pint there's no pressure.''

''Amanda it's just not a good time.''

''I know Severus didn't really mean what he said. He was just upset. ''

''Why are you taking up for him you don't even like him.''

''Because I saw how hurt he was when you flirted with Nigel. He cares about you.''

''He knew I was just joking and nothing happened he didn't have to drag me out of there. You don't think he's controlling?''

''No, he's a little clingy but Jennifer you were all over Nigel and Severus dotes on you. He's kind of off-putting to everyone else, but he clearly cares about you. I don't think he's the kind of man who jokes about flirting like that. He thought you were serious.''

''I'm sick of fighting with him. God why is this so hard. It's never been this hard before.'' Amanda only knew he called her some names. The rest was too private to discuss with anyone.

A few days later she met Colin and she accepted his dinner invitation. She thought she saw Severus on her first date but when she looked back again she didn't see anything and assumed she was just paranoid. It felt so strange being out with a normal man again who acted like he wanted to be with her and she had a good time.

After spying Severus watching her again she caught his eye long enough to make sure he saw her inviting Colin inside one evening. They listened to some music and talked for a while but unfortunately, she spent the entire night thinking about Severus. She'd only invited Colin in because she was a tad lonely and wanted to get back at Severus in the worst way possible. Colin left after he saw she was distracted and he wasn't going to get anywhere with her.

Back at his home Severus was pacing within the small siting room. He'd just watched her invite that Muggle inside. She looked right at him and smiled. They locked eyes for a few moments before she let that bloke in. He'd been harboring under the impression that she wouldn't be interested in another after him, let alone a Muggle. How could any Muggle compare to him? What did they have to offer? She steadfastly denied it but he still assumed she was partly envious of her brother and wanted to be a part of his world. ''They're probably naked at this very moment,'' he said to himself. He felt that he'd learned nothing since his youth.