"I feel like I'm floating. I see bright white lights, not above me, but below me. I don't think I'm dead, not yet anyway, wait am I dead? I'm not sure where I am. Maybe somewhere between life and death. I see my body, lying lifeless on a cold sterile table. I see nurses and doctors in scrubs and masks, frantically working to save lives as they do. To save my life. To save my life, at this very instant, one slip and I may never wake again. I hear faint sounds and mumbles. I can't hear much else, but a long constant beeping. A flat line. Im not ready to die, I think it's my heart monitor I'm hearing. I think they are fighting to keep me alive. I feel a push and pull. I mean, would they continue working on a hopeless dead body? I doubt it, Unless it's some creepy horror film Kensi's making me watch. She loves scary movies, but never alone. She told me that once. I'm still convinced that was a ploy for her to cuddle up next to me. When I woke up after finally falling asleep, I had not being able to sleep for weeks after Siderov tortured me, I was in a very dark place, then my Sunshine showed up, barring gifts of beer and drunken pigs, anyway, as I ramble on in my in between status of living or dying, I remember waking upon my couch, she was snuggling close to me. Her hair sprawled across my very masculine cat pillow. I could smell her familiar scent that I had grown to love. It calmed me like the ocean. Her face nuzzled in my chest. I pretended to be asleep when she stirred, I didn't want her freaking out about our thing as she frequently did. We were still attempting to define said thing. She quietly put on her boots and sweetly covered me with an Afghan. It was simply the most amazing gesture. No one has ever deeply cared about me enough, except maybe Nicole. Nicole made me soup and brought it to me when I was sick. Yet, Nicole is the reason I'm lying here, well the reason my body is lying beneath me and I'm looking down from above, not sure what I'm doing. The parts I hate about undercover, is the collateral damage. Nicole was definitely that. Until Ray needed to be killed, I was able to just disappear, show up when Max was needed, disappear again. She had to go and sell out that Ray was alive, for what was it $100,000. I had to tell her the truth at that point. I did break her, I broke her heart, but she was responsible for the other bad choices. I've learned I cannot always blame myself. Kensi taught me that. Kensi has taught me so much. I never thought I could learn so much from one feisty brunette. She won't admit it, but she has learned a lot from me as well. I taught her it was ok to love again, even if love came in the form of a shaggy haired surfer, who never shuts up. Look at us now! She's having my baby. My baby..."
A long steady beep was ringing in Deeks' ears. His thoughts became fuzzy and he was losing sight of everything around him. He could vaguely hear the doctors and nurses scrambling. They seemed to be getting further and further away. "Clear!" Was the last thing he heard.
"Daddy! Don't let go!" His bright blue eyed girl called as she stood tall on her pink surfboard. Her pink wetsuit was just like the one He told Kensi he could see their daughter in and why he hoped for a girl. It melted his heart. He hair long and curly, brown, but not as chocolatey as Kensi's. She was perfect in every way.
"I'll never let go baby! You're so brave, just like mama. I need you to take care of her for me."
"Where are you going, Daddy?"
"I don't know baby girl," Deeks felt faint. His chest burned, but he couldn't really feel any pain. A bright white Ora passed in front of him, then darkness.
"Daddy, don't go please!" The little voice squealed.
Visions of Kensi came next. Jeans, black tank, hair down wavy. A perfect beauty. Something captivated him about her. He was intrigued with this mysterious woman.
"Really, Deeks? That's the best they could do?" She paused and saw him enter, "oh Hello, Deeks."
"Yeah, That's the best they could do," he leaned down and whispered to her.
"I'm gonna call you Fern!"
"Don't you dare call me Fern."
"Fern, baby girl!" Later laying on her car, coffee cup on his head, "don't worry Fern, I'll be back!"
Six months later after almost being killed, "told ya I'd be back."
"Shut up, Deeks."
"Can I see your gun?"
"My gun? Why? What for?"
"Why are you being weird? You don't trust me, I say that's a big deal, don't you? At this point in our relationship..."
"I'm sorry...did you say relationship?"
"No, I said partnership." Even then the lines were so blurred, even then in the very beginning.
"She slowly began to trust me, she let me in. Why I can't figure out, but I'm sure as Hell glad she did." thoughts running through him as memories poured over him.
"Don't worry you'll get me back..."
"My name is Deeks? Are you my nurse? Don't worry Fern, I remember you."
"I'm glad our thing is working out."
"There is no thing, no thing."
"I'm not angry, in fact I could slit you're jugular vein 11 different ways from where I'm sitting without losing my temper."
"I was protecting our thing."
"So there is a thing?"
"Can we not talk about this right now...I just...maybe we can do it over drinks or something."
"No, I have plans...every night for the rest of my life."
He felt himself chuckle, "you sure do Fern, little did you know those plans would include every night with me." He was replaying every important moment leading up to their current life. Married, a baby on the way, how could he die now? They've come so far and been through so much. It couldn't end this way. He couldn't let it end this way.
"You're the only one I trust."
"Do you wanna talk about that kiss?"
"What, the cover kiss?"
"Ya right, cover my ass" he thought remembering. "Good excuse for you to place your lips on mine. There was no way in hell that was just a cover kiss. If we'd only had more tome playing house as Justin and Melissa." He sighed.
"Promise me you'll never do that?"
"What's that?"
"Get yourself killed."
Her eyes were so sad, so serious. Of course he needed to joke.
"Lucky for you I have a natural aversion to death. But if I do die in the line of duty, do something for me."
"Ya"
"Cryogenically freeze me and put me in your living room." He wondered if she would do that now. He smiled at the thought of a Deeks aquarium. At least then his baby girl could get to know him, well get to see him dead and frozen. Ok, maybe that was a bad idea and a bit creepy, now that he thought about it. And no way could he come back and marry her daughter, which was his daughter. "Deeks!" Pull yourself together he thought through his rambling mind.
"You smell like sunshine, and gunpowder, two of my favorite things." Dumb partner survey. Kensi was obviously constantly thinking about them together. Why did they waste so much time. Time that might forever be frozen now. His head was spinning as the show went on.
"This is not what it looks like?"
"Looks like a man holding a box?"
"What's in the box?"
"Open it."
"Life doesn't get any better than this moment, right now, if everything I've ever wanted is in this box, there no real reason to open it then."
"That damn box. I hope Beale and Nell found that box, because if I'm not dead and they don't find it, Kensi may kill me,"he chuckled to himself as images continued to fly in front of him. Suddenly, He feels a ghost of his lips on hers, he kissed her. Not undercover, he finally really kissed her. An image implanted in his brain, now on a screen in his eyes like a movie in fast forward.
"How's that for communication?"
"If you wanna talk or not talk, I'm here."
"I just wanna get away from everything,"
"And everyone?" "I didn't answer her. I just wanted the pain to stop. "Ok." Damn it. I made her eyes go dark again. Sadness was something I hated to see in those beautiful mysteriously brown eyes.
"Kens, you were the place I went to, to stop the pain, your smile, your laugh, everything, for what it's worth."
"What happens next?"
"It's a love story."
And a love story it was. He was watching theses moments. He felt peace, he felt love, more love then he'd ever known. He loved this woman with everything he had. Then, He felt darkness surrounding him, closing in around him as he tried to fight it, as his chest continued to burn.
The next scene played, that night it happened. All the games, all the wanting. All the passion and frustration, the tension, they succumbed to it all.
"This is not exactly something like tacos,"
"I don't wanna be here with you right now,"
"What?" The shock and confusion in her eyes led him to his next statement.
"I wanna be at my place right now, with you."
And she walked out again, this time urging him with her eyes to follow.
The ride was quiet, but in his apartment, the explosion between them was so intense even as Kensi was so hesitant.
"I don't wanna choose,"
"So we don't, we don't choose."
"You know that's not how this works," she kissed him deeply. "What are you doing to me Deeks?"
"Falling in love with you." He continued kissing her. As the memories passed, he could feel the heat between their bodies. He was honestly falling and falling hard. He could feeling his body floating, then falling as he remembered every single thing. Struggling against himself. He didn't want to float. He wanted to stay grounded, next to her. He couldn't get back, he just remained, with visions continuing to stream in slow motion.
He could imagine himself making love to her for the first time. He had never experienced the feelings he was having with anyone else. He thought she felt the same way. Nervously, the next morning he left telling her they'd meet at the office to alleviate suspicions. He was scared, she was scared. The emotions were overwhelming for both of them. They needed to go to work by themselves. So he got up early and went. Only to have one hell of a day, that ended even crappier, situated in the middle of a frozen lake.
He relived that day as his body was continuing the fight between floating and falling.
"Can we pretend for a minute that I'm not Deeks and you're not Kensi. No ones trying to save the world, We're just a boy and a girl, hanging out."
"My name is Fern, hi."
"You're Fern?"
"My partner doesn't go unarmed."
"I never had a girl give me a knife, does that mean we're official."
"Sometimes a knife is just a knife."
"Ya, but, You don't really like talking about it,"
"I promise I'll be better about talking about this."
"This thing,"
"Yes, our thing"
"She finally admitted it! Progress I'd say. I finally broke through her walls with my witty charm. Really with the love, I unknowingly gave her."
"You have to promise me something, though"
"Anything."
"Be patient with me."
"And I was, because she was reassigned fat away from me. I patiently waited for her return." He thought through the memories playing out in his mind. Even when Talia clearly wanted him, he resisted and he stayed patient.
Until, he was the one holding back. He shuttered while he free fell, he was no longer floating, now just falling through the past. He remembered torturing the cleric for her. Seeing her throat cut, he imagined she was probably feeling the same way right now, the way he did that day. There was no way she was whole, waiting to hear his fate. The same way he wasn't whole that day, waiting to know if the pictures were real or fake. Then, by the grace of God, he figured out the importance of the cleric. He found her, beaten and bruised and took her home, and the he pulled away.
"What does your third heart tell you?"
"She asked me that and I did the stupidest thing, I gave her knife back." Looking back at these memories, he wondered what he was thinking.
"Ok,"
"Contrary to popular belief, I do believe raccoons mate for life."
"I can't believe I said that, how lame was I" he thought as his mind continued to blaze through his moments with Kensi. "Why did I never open that box, she even cut it open for me? If I get out of this fog, I really need to do that, provided my meerkats located it."
"C'mon, partners don't keep secrets."
"Partners..."
"That's what we are, right?"
"And just like that the moment is way gone."
"That's ok, I've got more moments."
"I wanna be bold, Deeks, but I wanna be bold with you."
"No more games?"
"No more games."
"Chips on the table?"
"All in."
"All in..."
"Today,"
"Tomorrow,"
"And the day af...". " I no longer wanted to hear her voice. I had to kiss that mouth, her luscious lips. Watching her talk, it was too much and been too long coming." He kept thinking...so much had they truly been through. Building them to who they are now from who they were then. He was trying to fight the black clouds enclosing him until he started seeing little glimmer of bright lights.
"Hey, you and me were good, nothing's gonna tear us apart...say it, say we're good." he was not going to let death come this soon. He began to fight harder. Pushing the thickness away. Fighting to get through the smog choking him. Sporadic beeping in his ear began to ring.
"Just go home, Deeks,"
"I'm already there."
But dying, dying wasn't home yet. Home was with her. Dying, he wouldn't see her smile, he wouldn't hear her laugh, even the laugh that freaked him out on occasion, he wouldn't touch her skin, kiss her lips. He wouldn't meet his baby. He'd leave her in the world alone, like he promised he wouldn't. He was not going to break his promise. He was a man of his word, after all. He wouldn't leave her, not now, not willingly, not if he could help it.
"Kids are also the beginning of some pretty amazing things." He knew down the line he'd like to start those amazing things with her. Little mutant ninja assassins as he lovingly called them.
"Well, is it too crazy for two people to get married."
"No, is don't think it's too crazy for that."
"That's a yes, baby that's still a yes right?" Ahhh the first proposal. Unofficial, yes but still one of three.
The crash, the coma, the mole, the CIA, the bad times, that somehow still were brighten by good ones.
"Kensi Marie Blye, will you please wake up and Marry Me."
"You're never alone, Deeks." He knew She was right with that statement. He had earned a family in their team. They were never far and always had his back. However, She was the main anchor when any wave hit.
"Life is really short, Deeks. We saw that today, we see it everyday. I don't know how much time either one of us has left, but I wanna spend the rest of what I have with you... so what's it gonna be."
"Yes, What the hell, yes,... let me look at this, well I gotta be honest, I was expecting more bling."
"No, you know me, I'm more bang than bling."
"That's right, sunshine and gunpowder."
"I love you to the end of time and back."
"I can't go through what Sam went through. And I hate feeling like this, because, you're my world."
"You are mine, you're my world."
"I don't think we should be getting married."
"What you are saying to me, is that if I don't leave my job, then you are leaving me."
"I'm still your partner, at least one last time." A time he wish he didn't remember, but it was part of their story. Their love story. He heard the steady stream again. He shook his head and felt his chest go heavy. He felt a shock burn through him, then a beat, then another. He struggled to get back to his body, but he still found himself above it all.
"Listen I need to be with you. I was wrong, I wanna marry you and if you marry me, I swear to God I will give you everything I have in this life."
"I love you so much,"
"I don't want to do this without you." His chest hurt. His heart hurt at remembering this moment. He almost foolishly let her go. He almost died with her thinking he didn't want her anymore. Even in the uncertainty, she never left him, sacrificing herself to drag him to safety and willed him to live. He felt that will again. "I'm not gonna let you do this without me, Kensi." He kept grasping for his body below.
"And I will give you everything I have in this life."
"I love you."
"That's all that matters."
His visions turned white. A white dress sparkling against the ocean back drop. He saw Kensi walking down the aisle. Walking towards him. She took his breath away. He felt a beat in his chest again. It started pounding. He could hear his heart begin to beat. He heard the intermittent beeping become more consistent. He began to feel closer to his body. He could almost touch it. He kept envisioning his wife in her flowing gown. He felt the happiness of that day. "That day made me believe in fairy tales again," he thought. "Some days it was hard to think they existed, but not on that day." The day they married was truly a fairytale. "Our story has been a fairytale." He could feel a smile creep on him.
And then the pictures, the fight, that led to the words from her mouth. "I'm pregnant." The best words he ever heard. Even though things were rough and she worried he was being unfaithful with Talia, those words "I'm pregnant" told him fairytales do exist.
He felt him self falling, falling, falling, until the bright lights were gone and it was dark again.