A/N: Thank you all for being so patient! Don't think I don't notice all of you, because I love everyone who leaves comments on my story! Also I will eventually touch back on what happened to Elena in hell, some comments have mentioned that and it's all apart of the writing process just be patient and let the story unfold. For those of you here, enjoy!
Don't forget to follow/favorite/review 3

-xoAmanda

July 20, 2008

Dear Diary,

I used to think that the worse feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling is the moment that you realize that you've lost yourself. Which means for the rest of eternity I'm going to have a hole in my heart where he's supposed to be. I can't live with that.

"Elena."

The calling of my name breaks my concentration and I raise my eyes to meet Sam's. "Hmm?" I murmur in response.

"I think I found us a case. Multiple vic's found drained of blood in Muncie, Indiana." He explains as he hands over the case file.

The wallowing to my diary will have to wait. Shoving the capped end of the pen I was writing with into my mouth I grab the file from his hands and flip through it quickly.

"Vampires," Slapping the file shut I toss it back to him then swiftly swipe the pen from my lips. "Let's go then. I don't want to waste time and let more people die because of it."

He nods, turning on his heels and swiftly moves out the door. He knows I'm different but doesn't mention it to me, not after the first time. Once his footsteps have completely left my earshot my pen finds its way back to its place on the diary's pages once more.

Sam tries, he really does, but it's not the same – not anymore. I'm not his brother, and he's not Dean. I've only been back a week but it feels like an eternity.

I can't live an eternity without my soul mate.

July 21, 2008

Muncie, Indiana

"Sam, behind you!"

Hearing me just in time, he swings his blade, slicing the vampires head clean off.

Three more.

My blade dances in my hand and I recall the feeling; it reminds me of hell. Well not exactly like hell, but hunting's a close second. The feeling wasn't necessarily bad, but I don't enjoy the emptiness it instilled in me; it makes me miss Dean. I have to push those thoughts back, repress them for now, they only distract me; and when I am fighting blood thirsty vamps, it only takes a second or two to lose my footing. Speaking of which, a vamp sweeps its leg through my stance and I quite literally lose my footing. I land flat on my back and have to struggle to catch my breath. I refocus my eyes and see the blood sucker stand over me; his breaths screamed of hunger.

"Is... Is that all you've got, big guy..." I manage to push out.

The vampire gives a slight cackle and lunges toward me.

More appropriately, he attempts to lunge toward me. Probably would've actually been successful, but my new reflexes are too quick. I brandish my Colt .45, and plant two solid rounds into the vamps chest. It causes the vampire to stumble off of me. I push my hands on the ground above my head, and push myself to my feet. Before the vampire even had a chance to rebuttal the shots in its chest, I swiftly slice its head off at the shoulders.

I swipe my blade through the air, tossing what blood I could off of it. "Hey Sam! You finished ye-.."

I turn around to see Sam leaning up against a wall, with two corpses below his feet, "Been finished, just waiting for you."

I look at him, astonishment is clear in my voice, "You… You were watching this whole time?!"

Sam shook his head, "Not the whole time, Elena. Just as he knocked you on your ass."

"Thanks for the assist, Jackass."

"Didn't look like you needed one." He replies with a shrug.

July 24, 2008

Dear Diary,

I dream about Dean almost every night, hell who am I kidding; it is every night. Do you know what it feels like to have half of you missing? Dean and I are like two pieces of a whole, and now that I'm here and he's not, I feel incomplete, always trying to fill the void that not having him leaves in me. It's exhausting but all I can do is keep moving forward, keep hunting, and try to stay alive.

But is this really living?

July 26, 2008

"I've got one in Phoenix, Arizona; looks like werewolves." I tell Sam as I flip the laptop around, shoving it in his direction.

He doesn't even bother to look up at me anymore; he just looks down at the screen, reads over the information, and nods. "I'll drive."

Reaching over I slam the laptop shut and yank it into my arms, "Great, let's go."

July 27, 2008

"How did the FBI get involved in this?" the Sheriff asked.

"This case matches a few similar cases we're tracking at the moment." I reply as I slip my fake badge back into my jacket pocket. "Are we going to have a problem here?"

The Sheriff shook his head,

"No, ma'am." He turned to grab the case files off his desk to hand them to us. "This is everything we have on what happened. Please let us know if you need anything else."

"We will." I respond while grabbing the file from his hands. I open it but before I start to thumb through, I realize he's still standing there. "You can go now."

"Right, right; I'm sorry. Let me know if you need anything."

I dismiss him with a wave of my hand and he quickly retreats from me.

Sam doesn't miss a beat, I can feel the disapproval radiating off of him from across the room.

"What the hell was that?" He whispers harshly as he approaches me.

"What the hell was what, Agent Smith?" I ask as fakely sweet as I possibly can; putting emphasis on his fake name.

His brow instantly furrows, grabbing me by the arm he pulls me into a corner away from everyone. "You're being a dick to the local law enforcement, we want them to help us, not hate us."

"That Sheriff was as spineless as they come, Sam." My eyes travel down to where his hand grips my arm then back up to meet his gaze, "Are you going to let me go or do I need to remove you myself?"

I can immediately see Sam's jaw clench tightly as he releases my arm.

"Thanks a million. Now let's go and find this werewolf shall we?" Turning on my heels I head toward the exit, not bothering to look to see if Sam is following me.

It's a pack of werewolves, lucky me - more things to kill. Every time my blade is in my hand I feel connected to Dean, to hell and it gives me the rush I need to get the job done. Casually I slice my blade through the empty air as I pace toward the wolf I'm facing.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" The she-wolf inquired.

"No, but this is." I don't even blink; I chuck my blade right at her stomach. It rips through her like butter as she wails out in pain the marbled handle protruding from her gut. A smirk dances on my lips at her pain.

"You bitch!" She snarls as she tears the blade from her abdomen throwing it to the ground.

I shrug, "I wont disagree with that."

Propelling myself forward I tuck myself in and roll to the ground, grabbing my blade in the process; I land on my feet easily. The wolf swings at me and I dodge it with no problem I counter with a right hook, upper cut combo finishing with a kick to the chest knocking her on her back, wind out of her chest with a thud.

"You're making this too easy for me. You made yourself vulnerable, you're weak and you deserve to die." I finish as I tower over her slipping my small silver knife from my pocket. "Aeshma always wins."

With one quick motion I slit her throat, the blood gurgles out from the line as she chokes on it.

"Elena?" the voice above me questioned hesitantly.

"What?" I respond, not bothering to look up from the she-wolf.

"Who is Aeshma?"

Shaking my head I enter back into the real world, "What?" I respond looking up at Sam.

Cautiously he steps forward, his gun still firmly in his hand. "Who is Aeshma?" he asked again.

"No one." I bite off, "It's nothing."

"That was a pretty violent death, even for a werewolf." Sam points out.

"Are you trying to critique my fighting style?" I question crossing my arms solidly over my chest.

He lowers his gun, sliding it back into his waistband. "I'm just saying you're different since you came back, Elena. You fight differently, you're sure as hell acting different, I don't know what to even think anymore; the old Elena wouldn't just kill like this."

"The old Elena died when she went to hell, Sam. You have no idea what I've been through."

"Because you won't talk about it! How am I supposed to help you or Dean when I-"

"Don't." I cut him off without hesitation,and started moving toward him aggressively, "Don't talk about Dean, not to me, not again; he's not coming back."

"But.." he began again.

"No!" This time I damn near growled it out, "That's the end of this discussion. If you want to continue to work together fine, but don't say his name again. Do you understand me?"

Sam's face was as hurt as I've ever seen it, but frankly I don't care. "Yeah, got it."

July 30, 2008

I don't even bother telling Sam this time, I just leave, taking the Impala with me. He's going to be pissed but I don't care, I want to do this alone. I drive to the small town of Highland, California blasting Dean's tapes the whole way there. God your taste in music is so old, I chuckle to myself with a twinge of sadness. I stroke the steering wheel lovingly as I drive. The news reports in this town have been super weird as of late, people dying and their bodies looking like they were torn to shreds. The only logical explanation is a hellhound, which means a crossroad demon is there. I did the research before I left, the changes in weather seem to localize around a warehouse on the outskirts of town.

Pulling onto the dirt road makes the dust billow up behind me. My phone starts to go off; sliding it out of my pocket I check the screen – Sam. Guess he finally figured out I'm gone. Hitting the power button I ignore the call and shut it off. Reaching over I open the glove compartment and toss my phone inside because if I know Sam; and I do. He's going to keep calling or try to track my location, and I don't need him sticking his nose in this.

Baby rolls to a stop and I put her into park. I reach over and grab my gun from the passenger seat, running my hands over the marbled handle; a ritual of sorts. Opening the door I step out of the car slamming the door shut behind me. As quickly and quietly as I can, I jog up to the door of the warehouse cracking it open slightly. My eyes instantly go wide when I see what's inside, "Oh shit."

July 31, 2008

Everything on my body hurts to move. I got my ass handed to me, but at least I killed them all and made it out alive in once piece, sort of. I knew Sam wouldn't leave the hotel in Phoenix. One because I took the car and two because he wouldn't leave me, even if we aren't exactly getting along at the moment.

Hobbling up to the hotel door I slide my key into the lock, it beeps to let me know it's unlocked but before I can push it open the door is yanked open causing me to stumble right into the giant that is, Sam.

"Elena, what the fuck!"

"Easy Sam, don't damage the goods." I manage with a slight laugh that instantly made me wince.

Without hesitation he picks me up off my feet and gently sets me down on the bed. I don't even bother fighting him I'm too exhausted. "What happened to you?! You're beat to shit and haven't been answering my calls."

Slowly I reach up and rub the back of my neck, grunting with every movement. "I went to Cali, took out some Crossroad demons."

"By yourself?!"

"Obviously."

"You could've been killed Elena!"

"But I wasn't." I quip in response.

"But you could've been!" Sam runs his hands through his hair anxiously. He stops just for a moment then lowers himself to his knees in front of me. "Elena, you need to tell me what's going on here. I can't do this with you anymore, you're going to get yourself killed and what would Dean think of me then, huh?"

"Sam…"

He takes my hands into his, softly running his thumb over my skin. "You have to tell me."

I sit there for a moment and ponder everything that's happened the last few weeks, He's right, I'm not the same, and maybe he won't understand but I guess he needs to know anyway.

I sigh before beginning, "Dean and I we weren't just in hell. We ran it."

Sam shakes his head in mild disbelief, "You what?"

"Well not ran it, but ran a specific department."

"What department?"

"The torture one…"

"The what?" he asked his face expressionless.

Pulling my hands free from his I stand up and begin to pace, "Aeshma and Astaroth, those are our names down there. Mine means wrath and Dean's is crowned prince of hell."

"How did—just how?"

"It wasn't that way at first, we spent years fighting it, never picking up the blade but one day the option was made to us. Torture each other or torture other souls. Dean and I would never hurt each other so we did what we had to do but it changed us, at least it changed me – I can't speak for Dean."

"Changed you how?"

I open the fridge and grab an ice pack from the freezer, gently putting it against my ribs. "I think it made me a little less human? Down there when we would do our 'thing' our eyes would turn black, demon like, but up here it's like all my senses are heightened tenfold. I'm a more skilled fighter than I ever was and honestly I'm grateful but every time I pick up my blade I feel him with me. I feel somehow connected to him, like he's with me but I know it's all in my head."

Sam just sits there, silent for a moment before raising his eyes to meet mine. "We need to get Dean out of there."

"I don't know how Sam. Bonnie could only save me because I didn't belong there."

"I think the longer you're down there the more of yourself you lose. We need to get him back and fast. I'm not going to lose my brother and we're going to fix you, both of you."

"What if I don't want to be fixed." I ask with my head cocked slightly.

"Then you either need to tone it back, or you won't get a choice."