February 1st 2008
Every one at school is looking at me weird. Wondering why I was gone for a week. I dont care, I just want to see Demyx, hold him in my arms. I have counseling with Mrs. Ensuko, I didn't really feel like talking though, I just sat there an stare at the wall, counting the minutes until I could see my poor sick angel. She said a lot, gave me some numbers to call if I feel suicidal or whatever. Theres the bell
Later
I ran to the hospital, an aske which room he was in, a kind nurse showe me the way and I ran into his open arms. I actually started crying, I missed him so much, I guess, when you think you have nothing, and you finally find something, you realize just how important it is. We held each other, and talked and laughed until visiting time was over, then I had to go home, and hopefully dad won't be there.
Early morning February 2nd 2008
Guess I had false hope, he was home. He was drunk, he was angry. FUCK. I want to cut so bad, so so bad, I don't know how to deal with this. He yelled at me, beat me, yelled at me while he beat me, then finally passed out on the couch, leaving me to clean up the blood, dammed blood, I want to cut myself, and release all this pain, how can he not love me, or mom, how can he abuse life like he does, no regard for anything or anyone, just cheap ass, alcohol, and causing pain to others. I'm bleeding all over my journal, FUCK. I want to cut so bad, I don't know what to do with myself, I just, I don't know how to handle this, Demyx is in the hospital, Id call him, but I don't want to worry him, if I called him, maybe he'd break up with me because I'm worthless, an he doesn't want to worry about me. He's in the hospital for gods sakes, I cant worry him. I cant call a suicide line, Ill get reported to the authorities, they'll put me in a mental ward. This is to much. I need to cut. I neeeeeed it. Why don't they understand what there doing to me, trying to make me stop? I'm not trying to kill myself, end my life, I'm trying to prolong it, make it at least tolerable. Two sleeping pills, that's it, just to get through the night. I want to cut, but Im afraid that if I do, I won't live past it, I cant with how I feel right now, Im afraid Ill end it all, but I need to so bad, It hurts.
Zexion Iwshe