Forgive Me

Chapter 12:

Dan was sat by Phil's bedside asleep. His head was leaning back against the wall and his hand was slack, lying on top of Phil's hand. Due to exhaustion, he fell asleep almost as soon as he was given the news that Phil was going to be alright. It had all happened so fast.

After Phil was shot, Alex and Katrina helped Dan carry him inside the estate where it was safe. Unfortunately, Dan broke down, falling into the worst panic attack he'd had. Mrs. Howell had tried to help calm him down, but she honestly had no idea what to do. She never thought she'd have to watch her son fall to pieces.

Phil was rushed to emergency care, where he received immediate blood transfusions and was able to get the bullet removed. He was extremely lucky; the bullet had just barely missed his heart. Once he was stable, Dan was allowed to go into the room. He sat in the chair next to Phil and didn't say a word. He didn't know what to say. For a while, he held Phil's hand, and he slowly drifted to sleep, completely wiped out from the chaos and panic.

The attacks from the enemy troops were finally stopped. Mr. Howell activated a force-field, which protected the Community from further bombings. However, they weren't going to be able to stay in the Community for very long. The shield protecting the estate at all times already took a lot of energy, so activating the second shield to guard the entire Community was sapping away energy at a painfully fast rate. After a few days at most, everyone would have to evacuate.

However, for the time being, everyone was okay. Mrs. Howell stepped into Phil's room and sat down by Dan. She lightly shook Dan's shoulder, trying to wake him. Dan awoke with a slight start, but as soon as he saw it was his mother, he calmed down.

"Hi, mum," he whispered. Now that he was awake, he was able to go back to properly holding Phil's hand, so that's what he did. "What are you doing in here?"

"I wanted to see how," Mrs. Howell paused.

"Phil," Dan reminded her.

Mrs. Howell nodded her head and smiled, "Phil. I'm sorry. I wanted to see how Phil was doing. The doctor's said the bullet missed his heart, but not by much."

Dan nodded his head yes, "Yeah, he was lucky." He heaved a deep breath, trying not to think about the moment when he thought Phil was dead. "Thank you for having our doctor's help him." He scoffed, "Dad would have let him die."

"Your father means well. Our shield is only going to last a few days, instead of forever like we planned. Somehow, our enemies managed to break it down to the point that keeping it up is almost impossible. I can only imagine how much time they've put into developing that technology."

"You said you planned to have the field up forever." Dan turned to look at his mother. "So that's it? You were going to hide everyone away here and leave our country to be murdered in cold blood?"

"We've been trying to fight off our enemies. The initial plan was to shield the Community, and then once the war was over we'd start helping our people."

Dan stared at his mother in disbelief. "So your plan was to hide, win the war, and then hope there were still people left?"

Mrs. Howell made a frustrated sound. "When you say it like that it sounds terrible."

"It is terrible, mum!" Dan raised his voice. Mrs. Howell was shocked. She didn't raise her son to speak like that. "I'm sorry… But…we have so much, and there were people that didn't even eat that night. I don't understand why we don't help them."

Mrs. Howell sighed, "All of our time, money, and energy, go into our military and protecting the Community, and some people think we give too much to the military already. By giving the military as many weapons and resources as we did, it weakened our protection here. That's why the Williams were always at our throats with the matter. They thought we should cut our military off and live here in comfort and safety."

Dan's eyes widened from his mother's statement. He couldn't believe it. "Mum, what does it take to access all of that type of stuff? Don't you have to be a Howell to get access to anything? I remember overhearing dad say something about that a long time ago. Of course, at the time I had no idea what he was talking about."

"Yes, you have to be a Howell to get even a single bit of information open. It was set up to where you'd need DNA, blood cells, and many other different things."

"That's why she did it…" whispered Dan.

Mrs. Howell looked at Dan curiously, "Who did what, sweetie?"

Dan stayed quiet for a moment. He trusted his mother, but he didn't trust his father. Sadly, he wasn't sure if his mother would keep information from his father, thus he was afraid to tell her. "Mum, if I tell you something, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone, not even dad."

"What happened that you wouldn't want your father to know?"

"Mum, just please, promise me. I trust you; I don't trust dad. He left me behind, and I don't think he'd hesitate to turn me in." Tears began to well in Dan's eyes.

Mrs. Howell placed her hand over her mouth. She was scared for what Dan was going to say because she already knew. "I won't tell your father, or anyone for that matter."

Dan took a long, deep breath. His hands were shaking and his heart was racing. His stomach began to churn; he could have sworn he was going to be sick. Closing his eyes, he waited a moment. He bit down, and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, as if in pain. He knew he was going to have to force the words out. "I'm gay." Mrs. Howell brought her hands to her face. A few stray tears dripped down her cheeks as she looked at Dan. Dan opened his eyes and saw his mother's saddened face. He tightened his grip on Phil's hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered as a tear rolled down his face.

"Don't you apologize," said Mrs. Howell. She took Dan's free hand into her own. "I love you. I love you very much. You are my son. I don't care if you're different. If anything, that makes you all the more special."

Dan stifled a sob; he hadn't expected his mother to react the way that she was. "Then why do they kill people for it? Why are people shamed and murdered for being different?" his voice cracked as he spoke.

"People fear what they don't understand. I've never viewed it as wrong, but I couldn't say that. I had a feeling from a young age that you were gay, but I prayed that you weren't, because I didn't know if I'd be brave enough to speak up if I ever needed to." More tears escaped her eyes. "I was afraid that I would be too cowardly to stand up to your father and the rest of our leaders."

"Why are you with dad if he's like this?"

"Your father wasn't always like this. He was a good man. I don't know what happened, but over the years, I think the war consumed him. He began thinking as a soldier on the battlefield, not as a king with a family. Suddenly, if someone wasn't perfect, they were worthless. It seems that every ruler before him was the same way."

Dan stayed silent for a moment. He had no idea how to react to anything that his mother had been saying. Their entire conversation had made him feel sick to his stomach. However, he knew he needed to continue. His mother needed to know that the Williams were the enemy.

"Rebecca figured out that I'm gay, and she used it against me. She needed to get pregnant with my child, so that her family would have a Howell. So when I kept refusing sex, she told me that if I didn't sleep with her, she'd tell dad that I'm a fag. She forced herself on me, and that's when I left. She even went as far as hunting me down, trying to bring me back here." Dan was shaking through each word that he said. He couldn't believe he was telling his mother everything. "If I had to guess, I'd say that the Williams needed a Howell, and they needed you and dad discredited. That's why she came after me, to turn me in."

Mrs. Howell was in shock. How could the Williams be so cruel? How could Rebecca force herself on Dan? How could their family betray them? "Sweet heart…I am so sorry… If we hadn't—."

"It wasn't your fault. You thought you were marrying me off to a close family friend, not to a sadistic rapist. But it's not over. She had a miscarry when she came to find me. So she'll be coming after me again."

"The Williams will not come anywhere near my family again!"

"I hope you're right." Dan turned away from his mother and looked at Phil. He scooted his chair closer so he could brush a little bit of hair out of Phil's face. "Do you think he'll wake up soon?" he asked. His mother didn't respond for a moment, so he turned around. "Mum?"

"So that's what happened," Mrs. Howell wiped away a tear. "When you decided to run away, you took him with you. Your father and I couldn't figure out why. Why would our son run off with a servant?" She paused. "You fell in love with him, didn't you, Daniel?"

Dan managed a small smile. "Before, I would have denied it…but you can only risk your life for a person so many times before you have to accept the truth."

Mrs. Howell sighed, "Does he know?"

"No, and I'm not going to tell him. I doubt he could feel the same, and even if he did, it would only complicate things because of where we are now. It's easier to just feel this way in silence." Dan gave Phil's hand another squeeze; he wished Phil would wake up.

"I just don't know how I'm going to tell your father about the Williams family without telling him."

"I can help with that," said a voice. Alex had cracked open the door when she overheard part of the conversation. "Sorry, couldn't help but to overhear. Rebecca told me all about needing to be pregnant with Dan's child to access information. If he asks how you found out, you found out from me."

"Thank you, Alex…" whispered Dan, unable to think of a way to express how grateful he really was.

Alex offered Dan a genuine smile, "That's what friends are for."

The door to the room opened, revealing Mr. Howell. Dan looked up to meet his father's eyes, and he was met with rage and disappointment. Mr. Howell quickly turned away, acting as if Dan wasn't even there. He looked to his wife. "Darling, we need to attend to some things. Please come with me."

Mrs. Howell stood up, "We need to talk anyway. Something has happened. Alex?"

Alex nodded her head, "Right, let's go."

Alex and Mr. and Mrs. Howell all left the room, leaving Dan alone with Phil. Dan heard the door click, and he found himself in a state where he knew he could really cry. He knew he could break down again, and part of him wanted to. Part of him wanted to let all his emotions out. Seeing Phil lying unconscious was terrifying, and he feared the doctors were wrong. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. Inhale…exhale…just like Phil taught him.

Without warning, Dan felt his hand get squeezed ever so slightly. His head shot up and he immediately opened his eyes. He was met with bright blue eyes and a smile. A huge smile appeared on his face. For the first time, it wasn't tears of sadness that gathered in his eyes. "Phil!" he launched himself forward, throwing his arms around Phil. "Oh my god! I've never been more scared! Dammit don't scare me like that!"

Phil managed a small laugh. He returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Dan and pulling him close. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I saw that soldier hit you and I called out to you. That must have gotten their attention because that's when I got shot. I'm just glad you're okay."

"I'm fine," Dan pulled away from the hug. Phil moved to the edge of his bed, giving Dan room to lie next to him. Dan lay down, using his arm as a pillow. "I'm better than fine actually." Phil looked at him curiously. He smiled, "I remember you."

Phil's eyes widened from shock. How? "What?" he whispered.

Dan's smile simply grew bigger. "I remember you. I remember everything. And I'm going to get you back for making me hold a bug." Phil's only response was to pull Dan into another embrace. Dan hugged him back tightly, one hand near the base of his neck and the other on the small of his back. "I remember you, Phil." Phil tightened his grip on Dan almost too much. Dan chuckled. "Phil, you're going to suffocate me."

"Tough it out! The last time I let go I lost you…" Phil blinked out tears, which dripped onto Dan's neck. Dan felt the droplets connect with his skin, and he immediately felt his heart ache. He had no idea that Phil would be so affected by their separation. He suspected that Phil was at least worried about him, but this was completely different. Suddenly, he felt Phil's body lightly shaking. It felt like Phil was starting to hyperventilate.

"Whoa, whoa," Dan gently started rubbing Phil's back. "I'm okay." He pulled away from the hug so he could look at Phil. "Look at me." For a moment, he regretted his decision. He was certain that he had never seen Phil breaking down so hard. He didn't understand. "I'm right here. I'm okay." Seeing Phil in the state he was in made Dan start to feel guilty. Was this how bad Phil felt every time he broke down? Was this how broken he appeared to Phil?

Phil wiped at his tears, "I'm sorry. It's just…I lost you. And that was awful. Then, I get you back, and your gaze was completely blank. You looked at me like I was a stranger. I was a stranger." And that killed me… "I didn't know what to do, and you didn't know what was happening. You were scared and I just—!"

Dan didn't think. In that moment, all he did was follow what he felt was the right thing to do. He pressed his lips against Phil's, cutting the older man's rambling short. Phil was in shock. What was Dan thinking? What if someone came in the room and saw? What if… Fuck it. Phil brought his arms around Dan and pulled the prince closer, returning the kiss. He tilted his head, making it easier for them to melt into each other. Dan snaked his arm around Phil's waist and tried to bring them together even more. They tangled their legs, desperate to be pressed as closely together as humanly possible.

Dan couldn't believe what was happening. Every time he had kissed Rebecca, he had felt absolutely disgusted, but kissing Phil was perfect. Phil felt like a piece of him that had been missing. Gingerly, he very slowly ran his tongue along Phil's bottom lip, shyly asking for an entrance. Phil responded by opening his mouth enough for Dan to slip his tongue inside. His heart raced even faster when he felt Dan's tongue run over his own. Dan explored every inch of Phil's mouth, mainly out of curiosity. When Rebecca had done it to him, it had felt uncomfortable and strange, but Phil seemed to like it. He knew for certain that he was enjoying how it felt. No words could describe it.

Phil lost himself in the kiss. Nothing else mattered. He maneuvered to lie on top of Dan and continued to kiss the younger man with everything he had. Swiftly, he pushed Dan's tongue out of the way and took control of the kiss. He slipped his tongue into Dan's mouth, which caused Dan to quietly moan. Dan then became aware of what he had done, and he felt his cheeks warm even more than they already had. Phil finally broke the kiss, but he didn't give Dan a chance to comprehend anything that had happened. He moved his lips to Dan's neck and began to kiss and suck at the skin.

A slightly louder moan escaped Dan's mouth when he felt Phil's lips against his sensitive skin. His hands grabbed at Phil's back, pulling at his shirt as he tried to reposition himself under Phil's weight. He tilted his head and yanked at Phil's clothes, begging for more. Phil managed to bite at Dan's neck at just the right spot, causing Dan to involuntarily thrust his hips up. He moaned into Dan's neck when he felt the friction. Dan bit his bottom lip, trying to suppress his sounds. The last thing they needed was for someone to hear them. That might have been worse than someone walking in.

As if the universe had heard Dan's thoughts, there was a knock at the door. Phil practically flew off of Dan in an instant. Dan hurled himself off of the hospital bed, which caused him to land on his hands on knees on the floor. The door opened to show Katrina. Dan and Phil stared at her, their hair messy and their cheeks flushed. Katrina slapped her hand over her mouth to stop a laugh. Her shoulders shook from her giggles.

"S-Sorry!" she barely managed through her suppressed laughs. "I-I was just…" she burst into giggles. Dan and Phil looked to each other and then looked back at Katrina. Katrina could barely speak from laughing so hard. "I-I!" She couldn't contain herself. Normally the situation wouldn't have been funny, but dear god their faces. "Glad to see you're awake, Phil," she said through more laughs.

"Hi, Katrina," mumbled Dan awkwardly. He wanted to get up off the floor, but that would mean possibly showing wrinkly clothes and an erection. "Yes, Phil is awake. He's fine now."

"Better than fine?" Katrina snickered.

Dan pretended to laugh, saying "ha" over and over. "Not funny."

"Care to stand up, Dan?" asked Katrina as she closed the door. She smirked.

"I'd rather not," Dan felt his cheeks burning. Grandma. Grandma, grandma, grandma.

"Anyway. I came here because your father wants to speak to you," Katrina paused, biting her lower lip, "and Phil…"

Dan's eyes widened, "What? Did he say why?" Katrina shook her head. Dan sighed, "Great. I really don't want to, because I stood up to him when I wasn't scared of him."

"But you won't be alone," said Phil as he carefully got out of bed. He took Dan's hand into his own. "I'm not leaving." He smiled. Dan managed a small smile in return. Phil leaned forward and gently pecked Dan's lips. "Let's go."

"Okay," whispered Dan as he tightened his grip on Phil's hand. He knew that if Phil was holding onto him, it was going to be okay.

Dan and Phil were sat in Mr. Howell's office, waiting. They sat in silence, neither of them wanting to speak due to fearing that anything they said could be used against them. After a few minutes, Mr. Howell walked into the room and sat in his desk chair, facing Dan and Phil. Dan and Phil both tensed up; they were terrified.

Mr. Howell focused his attention on Dan. "Your mother has informed me that the Williams family has been trying to overthrow our family. Rebecca was going to become pregnant with your child, and then attempt to discredit our family." He stood to his feet. "My question is, how do they plan to do that? When I asked, both your mother and Alex froze and said they didn't know, but they did." He pressed his hands to the desk and leaned forward, getting closer to Dan, as if trying to scare him. "They were going to make it public that you're gay, weren't they?"

"I'm not gay," said Dan flatly, trying not to show fear. He remembered standing up to his father to protect Phil when he had forgotten that he was supposed to be afraid. In that moment, he was trying very hard to feel the same way, to not feel scared anymore.

"Don't lie to me, Daniel," said Mr. Howell, lowering his voice. "They wouldn't have had that leverage if you weren't."

"They made it up," replied Dan. "They had nothing better to discredit our family, so they went with something that's punishable by death. "Which, for the record," Dan got to his feet, meeting his father's height, "wouldn't be a problem if you didn't kill people for being who they are."

Mr. Howell narrowed his eyes, "Homosexuals are of no use. For one thing, they don't contribute to keeping up the population."

"So the answer to punishing people for not keeping up population is to kill them, thus dwindling down our population," retorted Dan.

"You don't talk back to me!" Mr. Howell slammed his fist on the desk. "I didn't raise you like this!"

"You didn't raise me at all!" shouted Dan, making Mr. Howell fall silent, and causing Phil to start feeling worried. "You didn't give two shits about me my whole life! You were always in this damn office! If I came to visit you, you had a servant shoo me away and take me somewhere else! Anytime I tried to talk to you, you just yelled at me! When I asked you anything, you screamed at me not to ask questions, so I became afraid to even ask for a glass of water! You terrorized me and made me scared of you! Why? What did I do to make you hate me? You were supposed to be my dad!"

Mr. Howell had no idea how to respond. "I was—I was trying—."

"You never tried!" screamed Dan as tears started involuntarily pouring down his face. "I was a nuisance to you! I only became of use when you needed me to get married and have kids! And the second I didn't want to do that, you made me so scared of pissing you off that I went through with it even though I hated every damn minute! I married someone that abused me because you made me! You first hand told me that refusing to be with her wasn't acceptable! You let her abuse me! You didn't care! YOU'VE NEVER FUCKING CARED!" Dan's entire body was shaking from the pure rage and pain that was coursing through him. Fresh tears poured out at a constant rate despite his unblinking gaze.

"Daniel, I—." Mr. Howell tried to speak, but Dan cut him off again.

"So if you've never cared, why can't you just leave me alone? Why can't you just let me be happy? Fuck it! You know what? I am gay! And that shouldn't matter to you! You should love me anyway like mum does! She doesn't care! I'm her son, so she loves me even if I'm broken! Why can't you do that? Why do I have to be perfect for you to care about me?"

"Daniel…" Mr. Howell felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He tried to push it back, but he couldn't, not while watching Dan break down right in front of him. Suddenly, Dan started choking. He began breathing very shallow and rapid. His winced as his chest felt like it was beginning to tighten. Mr. Howell looked concerned and confused. "What's going on?"

"He's susceptible to panic attacks," informed Phil as he stood to his feet. He turned Dan, making the younger man face him. "Dan, try to slow your breathing. Look at me," he held Dan's chin, keeping his head in place, "don't look at your dad. Look at me. I'm right here." Phil began helping Dan relax and slow his breathing. Mr. Howell watched in shock. He never thought his own son, the prince, would be struggling so much. He thought that he had given Dan everything.

Phil did his best to keep Dan calm, but Dan was suffering from a very severe attack. He was hoping that it would soon reach its peak, meaning that it could only get better.

"Why is this happening to him?" asked Mr. Howell in a quiet voice. He didn't know what would upset his son at this point.

Phil shot Mr. Howell a glare that would have stopped the king's heart if looks could kill. "After you forced Dan into the marriage, Rebecca raped him, trying to get pregnant with his child. Then, when he ran away, your men attacked us and were going to kill me. And judging by what he was saying about how you treated him growing up, I'd say you're responsible for the anxiety, which causes the panic attacks when that anxiety is paired with trauma!"

"I don't understand," replied Mr. Howell. "How could my son be so broken?"

"HE'S NOT BROKEN!" screamed Phil turning away from Dan and facing Mr. Howell. "Don't you ever say that he's broken! EVER! He has struggles just like everyone else! His problems are just a bit harder to deal with! And you can blame yourself for that!" Phil turned back to Dan. "I'm sorry; I need to be calm to help you keep calm..."

Several minutes passed before Dan's panic attack ended. Mr. Howell hadn't said a word; he just watched, curious how Phil was managing to keep Dan relatively relaxed. Phil made sure Dan's attack was completely over before he turned away, shifting his eyes to Mr. Howell. "Anything else?" he snapped.

Mr. Howell shook his head, "No, you may go. We have a few days to rest here, but soon we'll have to evacuate. There are two locations we'll being going to, but they're split. Our family and those close to us we'll be coming with us somewhere where we can try to handle the war, and then the rest of the Community will go somewhere else."

"Wherever we're going, Phil is coming with us," said Dan sharply.

"We have limited space—." Mr. Howell began, but he was cut short by Dan slamming his hand onto the desk.

"Let me try this again. Wherever I go, Phil goes. Wherever Phil goes, I go. I was separated from him once and it will never happen again. Are we clear?" asked Dan with a dangerous tone. Mr. Howell didn't reply; he simply nodded his head and turned his gaze away. Dan took Phil's hand into his own and left, not caring what his father saw.

Dan and Phil walked into Dan's room. Dan was relieved to see that his bed had been remade with different linens. It was a little easier to be in his room since it looked different now. He walked with Phil over towards his bed. "Um, I have sleepwear that we can change into. These clothes are getting a little uncomfortable."

"Okay," replied Phil with a small smile. He walked with Dan into Dan's closet. Dan picked up two sets of sleepwear and handed one to Phil. Phil gestured to the toilet, "I'll change in there. I'll be back." He stepped into the room and closed the door.

After they had changed, Dan and Phil crawled into Dan's bed and were lying side by side. They were enjoying just being able to look at each other without having to worry. Phil reached over and gently cupped Dan's face, "Are you sure you're okay in here?"

"Yeah," replied Dan casually. "I mean, they changed the sheets, which helps. Everything looks completely different. Plus," he smiled into Phil's touch, "you're here now. If you're here, then I'll be okay."

Phil took the moment of silence to gingerly kiss Dan. This time, the kiss wasn't heated; it didn't get wild in any way. They fell into each other like before, but it was soft and gentle. They wrapped each other into an embrace, entangling all their limbs as they moved together. Each moment was tender. Everything was delicate and smooth, allowing them to move with each other with ease.

Dan was the one to break the kiss, though it was bittersweet. He wanted to keep kissing Phil, but he also wanted to just lie there peacefully. He gently rested his nose against Phil's, allowing himself to just breathe. I love you…

Phil carefully adjusted his position. He rested against Dan comfortably, blissfully. For the first time, he felt like he didn't have to be scared. The person that he cared about the most was right there in his arms, and that person wouldn't let anything happen to him. He may have been in the Community, but he was safe. I love you…