TW for discussion of suicide.
Running into the Batcave, Wally West skidded to a stop in front of his best friend who was recovering on a medical cot. He took in Dick's pale slender face, the bandages, the ribs, the IV drip attached to the arm that trembled.
Worry raced through Wally.
Dick Grayson didn't tremble.
Ever.
His lightning-quick eyes flicked back up to the acrobat's face, which had drained completely of color. Was something wrong? Wally searched for bleeding and looked at the medical equipment for a clue.
The trembling hand slowly reached up to cup the male redhead's face.
"Wally," Dick whispered.
The speedster's thoughts skidded to a stop.
Oh.
OH.
He probably should have figured out how long he had been trapped in that hell before zooming off.
Blue eye's flicked to the room's other occupant in the chair on the opposite side of the bed.
"Babs," Dick choked. "You see him too, right?"
Wally grinned and flicked his best friend on the ear before zipping his hand back before Nightwing's reflexes caught him in a vice grip.
Behind him, Barbara laughed. He knew he liked that girl.
"Yes Dick, I see him," she reassured him.
Even Wally's superior speed couldn't prepare him for the bundle of best friend that flung itself into his arms.
"Wally!" Dick exclaimed.
The speedster spoke into his friend's ear, "Yeah buddy, I missed you too."
"Lay back down before you pull your stitches." Barbara's voice was a cross between amused and annoyed.
Before Wally could ask about the stiches, the speakers announced the arrival of the team and Red Arrow. Batman had let the team into the Batcave, which meant that Batman was worried – and there was really only one thing that ever worried the dark knight. Wally wanted more time to talk with his friend alone because he knew his chances for straight answers were distractedly improved if others weren't present.
His green eyes flashed back to Dick's blue ones. There was a pleading behind them. The speedster knew what his friend wanted and as much as he thought Dick deserved a good thrashing from all of the team because he was a colossal moron who had promised not to do this again – but bro code. Wally was not about to break the bro code.
He zipped to the locker room and found Dick a shirt and zipped back to the med bay, throwing the injured man the t-shirt. Dick scrambled into it as the original YJ team walked into the room.
"What happened?" growled Superboy, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared at the man on the bed.
M'gann floated into the room and hovered next to the clone. Artemis, in that stupid Tigress uniform, walked into the room with an expression that promised trouble for Wally later. Rubbing the back of his next, the redhead grimaced. Okay, yeah – he probably shouldn't have run off without a word after they had just gotten engaged.
Kaldur and a livid Roy Harper approached the foot of the medical bed.
"I, too, would like to know what has transpired," the Atlantean stated incredibly calm.
Roy didn't speak, which frightened Wally more than anything. He did not envy Dick.
Blue eyes flicked to the female bat beside him.
"Don't look at me, Boy Wonder. You got into this mess on your own," Barbara said, leaning back in her chair with an almost amused smile. Wally knew he liked this girl. His life would be so much easier if Dick dated people who had his number.
Dick sighed and plastered an innocent expression on his face.
"I was injured in a fight with a new drug gang. It didn't pierce the abdominal cavity, but it did need stitches. I should be good to go in no time," the Romani explained.
"Why haven't you been eating?" Connor's eyes were narrowed.
The former Robin froze briefly.
"That's an excellent question. I'm sure Dick has an excellent reason," Roy spoke calmly. Too calmly.
Wally had no intention of being in the same hemisphere when Roy got Dick alone.
The injured man's eyes flicked to the speedster in silent plea.
Oh no. Not this time, Rob.
He had covered for the original child partner long enough.
Finding no aid, Dick stared at his hand that was tugging at a loose string on the blanket.
"I haven't been hungry," he said to his lap.
There was a deep growl from Wally's right. He turned to see Artemis approach Dick's bed with her nostrils flaring.
"You promised me this wouldn't happen again."
The acrobat's eyes flicked up, anger radiating from them.
"It didn't," he hissed. "I checked-in. I didn't leave Bludhaven. I have a gash from a lucky blow that required stitches. I'm not half dead. I-"
Kaldur interrupted before more tempers could fly.
"Be that as it may. You still have proven your word false. You promised us you we fine. It does not take a superior intellect to see that the words were empty."
Dick snapped, "I am fine."
"You are not fine," growled Superboy. "If you were fine, you wouldn't have lost so much weight."
"Or collapsed at work," Roy added.
"He what?" M'gann asked.
Roy's facial muscles ticked before retreating into the incredibly calm façade he had been projecting. Wally knew that was the scariest thing he had ever seen. Give him an angry Batman over a calm Roy Harper. At least, he knew Batman wouldn't hurt him…well, probably not. Batman most likely wouldn't hurt him. Okay, on second thought he'd rather have neither.
The archer repeated, "He collapsed at work from exhaustion."
Rather than continue arguing, Dick stared at his hand that was still playing with the thread from the blue material. Wally wished he knew what his friend was thinking. After Jay's death, Dick had nearly died of malnutrition and exhaustion. Of course, that became secondary after the poison and bullet holes. A flash of anger overcame Wally. The man had promised this would never happen again.
"I would like to understand the reasoning behind your decisions," the team leader stated. "As a team, we have stood by each other and saved one another countless times. Why would you doubt us?"
Wally turned his attention to the Atlantean. He noticed the bags under his eyes, and the weariness that emanated from him. Had the man gotten a break at all? Nightwing abandoned the team, leaving Aqualad to run things by himself after a devastating mission. The YJ team leader deserved a break.
Dick mumbled, "I didn't doubt you."
"Please explain why you didn't want our help then," Kaldur persisted.
The acrobat looked up at his friends and sighed.
"I thought I had it covered." He shrugged. "I guess I was wrong."
The speedster didn't trust the look in his friend's eyes. Wally would need to get Dick alone for honest answers.
A sheepish smile and wide eyes graced Dick's face. He rubbed the back of his neck. A quick glance around the room told the speedster the team wasn't buying it.
Nightwing seemed to notice as well. He dropped his hand and changed tactics.
"I could use some help though," he said. It was interesting to watch everyone's reaction to that. Connor's glare lessened. M'gann's feet touched the ground. Artemis uncrossed her arms. Kaldur's eyes widened slightly. Roy…well Roy didn't move, but Wally was pretty sure there was nothing Dick could do or say to prevent the archer's ire at this point.
Wally wasn't fooled in the slightest. Sure, Batman's brood didn't ask for help, but the redhead would bet his next three meals that the request was made to avoid continued discussion over a true need for help.
Well points to Nightwing. Dick always did know how to sweettalk himself out of trouble.
"I've been tracking this new drug. It's an opiate mixed with trace amounts of a tropane alkaloid. It's being called Smash. It's extremely addictive and dangerous. Drug related deaths in Bludhaven have increased by 5% in the last month alone," Nightwing continued. "There's a supplier but so far I haven't been able to find him or her. I need this drug off my streets."
Kaldur'ahm nodded. "And what would you have us do?"
Dick shrugged. "There's a shipment scheduled tonight. Word on the street is that the gang responsible for this drug's arrival in my city will be there to protect it this time. Apparently, they're a little tired of shipments going missing." The acrobat smiled. "If you can get information from one of their goons or get a tracker on one of them, it will allow me to figure out where this drug is coming from."
"And then you'll run off to the Amazon alone to take care of it?" Roy quipped.
The innocent façade on Dick's face cracked briefly as he glared at the man before resuming his act.
"No," he said. "We can take care of it together."
Kaldur rested a hand on Red Arrow's arm.
"We will take care of it, my friend," Aqualad said. "Allow yourself to rest."
Looking at the Atlantean, Wally thought the advice was fairly hypocritical. The YJ team leader clearly needed respite as well. Glancing back at Dick, one problem at a time. Why was he friends with a bunch of workaholics again?
As Dick started to give more information about the drugs and the gang leaders, Artemis caught her fiancé's eye. He knew that look. She wanted to talk to him away from prying ears.
Wally raced towards Artemis, picked her up, and carried her to spot in the Batcave that was hidden from the cameras and wouldn't cause an echo – Dick had showed it to him years ago.
Setting Artemis down, he gazed into those beautiful grey eyes. She was worried about something.
"What's up, beautiful?"
Artemis closed her eyes and leaned into him. "Wally, I – I" she began.
"You don't want to go back to retirement," he said. He had been afraid of this since Dick approached them for that undercover meeting.
Artemis shook her head. "I can't."
There was so much his fiancée wasn't saying, but Wally wouldn't fight her on this. At least not right now. He'd been surprised that she agreed to go full civilian the first time. The love of his life looked up at him pleadingly. There was a question she wasn't asking.
Plastering a smile he didn't completely feel, the speedster brought his left hand to eye level. He tapped the new ring with his thumb. "You're stuck with me forever, babe."
The blonde smiled at him. Wally knew he would do anything in his power to keep her smiling at him.
"Just don't die on me, okay?"
The archer punched him lightly. "I'm not the one who disappeared for over a month."
Had it really been a month? It had felt like an eternity and a day.
Studying his face, she asked, "What happened?"
Wally smiled. "Oh, you know I ran for a long time. A speedster's paradise really."
He knew Artemis didn't believe him. Instead of calling him out though, she pulled him into a tight hug.
"We'll get through this."
Wally wasn't sure who she was trying to convince but he wrapped his arms around her and held her until she was ready to face the team.
Zipping them back into the room, they head Dick say, "Red Arrow has dealt with them before. He can show you the lay of the land before tonight."
Roy glared at the acrobat in response and gave a grunt of acknowledgment.
Nightwing continued, "I can run the computers from here. You're going to need a hacker."
"They have one." Batgirl stepped into the room with a no nonsense look on her face, although Wally wasn't sure when she had stepped out to change. "You are going to stay in that bed and rest, or I will inform Alfred."
Dick's expression was murderous, but he nodded.
Wally really really loved that woman.
Red Arrow smirked at the female redhead. Wally mentally recruited him to his make Dick date someone who can handle his idiocy crusade.
The team began sending their farewells, promises to return, and threats of dismemberment should Dick not stay in that bed. Wally really wasn't listening. He pulled Artemis into another hug and kissed her forehead.
"I'll be fine, Wall-Man," she reassured him. "There's five of us on a mission Nightwing would have handled solo. It's unnecessary overkill, but-" She shrugged.
Wally understood. All of them wanted to help Nightwing in a tangible way.
"Just come back to me," he said.
Artemis pulled out of the hug and flipped her Tigress mask on.
"I intend to."
The team shuffled out, leaving Wally alone with his best friend. Looking at Dick, the redhead could feel the chaotic swirl of emotions inside of him. Unlike the people Wally loved, he had never felt the need to deny his feelings. Except there was too much anger and fear for Wally to be a productive part of this much needed conversation. His head had been spinning ever since Uncle Barry and Aunt Iris brought him out of the speed force.
Doing his best to ignore his inner turmoil, Wally sat down in the chair Barbara had been using and swung his feet up onto Dick's cot. He grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV.
"Wally, I-"
"Shut up," he interrupted, refusing to look at Dick. "We need to have a long conversation, which I would prefer not to do while I want to punch your face."
The vehemence in his own tone surprised Wally. The anger and fear warred inside of him. Dick could have died, and no one was watching him because Wally was gone. Nightwing had dragged Tigress back into crime fighting, and Wally's hopes for a normal life went up in smoke. Plus, there was the whole speed force hell, which he wasn't going to think about. Ever. It was over. He was home.
The speedster turned his attention to some weird commercial for cat litter. He hoped there was something on the TV that could distract his brain at least until the boiling lava racing through his veins cooled.
Two minutes later, Wally shut the TV off in frustration. Whatever. Patience had never been his thing. He couldn't bring himself to look at Dick though. He was too afraid that his fragile self-control would snap as soon as he faced him again.
"So…Did you get married in the speed force or something?" Dick's voice interrupted Wally's thoughts.
The speedster turned to look at his friend. There was an impish smile on the ebony-haired man's face that didn't quite reach his eyes.
He laughed, not realizing until that moment how much he needed to hear one of Dick Grayson's stupid jokes.
Right. Dick could read him too.
"Actually," Wally said. "Artemis proposed."
There's a flash of hurt on the acrobat's face.
"How long have you been back?"
Wally sighed, hating where his friend's thoughts were going.
He kept his voice light. "An hour or so, I think. Time's still kinda fuzzy."
The red-haired young adult wasn't sure his friend heard him though because Dick was already shaking his head and apologizing.
Wally pressed on, ignoring him.
"Yup," he said popping the 'p' loudly over Dick's incessant self-incrimination. "She asked me seconds after I popped back into the world in front of the team." His green eyes take on a manic glow before delivering his final words. "And Batman."
Something clicked in the original Robin's brain because he stopped mumbling his string of apologies, looked at his friend, and then cackled.
"Man, I would have paid to see that."
The stab in the heart hit Wally faster than he would have liked.
"You should have been there," he said.
The hard-earned laughter was gone, and the room returned to its former oppressive weight.
"I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing!" Wally yelled in frustration. Dick flinched, and the speedster regretted his words. Why was talking to his best friend such a minefield? "Let's talk about why you weren't."
One did not need to know Dick Grayson well for them to see that that was the last thing he wanted to discuss. Wally lightly kicked the leg closest to his feet on the bed, gaining Dick's attention.
"I seem to recall a promise about this never happening again, and another one a year later after I kept your secret against my better judgment."
Dick's face was mutinous.
"It didn't happen again. The only time was a-" Dick's eyes looked away. "A mistake," he finished. "The incident after Jason was not the same."
"Still a mistake though," Wally finished, dropping the familiar argument.
The Romani nodded.
"Nightwing doesn't make the same mistake twice," Wally stated. "Explain to me why this has happened again."
Dick refused to look at the speedster and the two sat in silence way longer than Wally appreciated, but sometimes you had to wait Nightwing out.
"Do you hate me?" His best friend asked quietly.
Wally sat up so quickly he nearly gave himself vertigo.
"No!" He gasped for breath. "Why would you ever think that?"
The teenager was playing with thread of the blanket again, still refusing to look at Wally.
"I brought Artemis back into crime fighting," he said and then added in a whisper, "I got you killed."
"You didn't get me killed." Dick was trying to protest, but Wally continued speaking, cutting Dick off. "I made a choice to help Flash and Impulse save the world."
"But I should have done better. If I handled the invasion better, if I hadn't-"
"You're not God, Dick. You can't control everything."
The acrobat mumbled, "You don't believe in God."
Wally shrugged. He hadn't believed in God. Probably still didn't. But if hell existed, did that mean heaven did? He'd think about those implications later.
"Missing the point," he said as he nudged Dick's foot again. "I am furious with you." And terrified you're going to get yourself killed. "But I don't hate you."
Dick didn't say anything, just went back to staring at his hands. Fear won out over anger.
There was a question he needed to ask, but he really didn't want to. Really didn't.
He sighed. Took a deep breath and jumped off the deep end.
"Dick, do you want to be alive?"
Scared blue eyes shot up at Wally. There was a hesitation before –
"Of course, I do."
But the lie was too late. They both knew it.
"I'm going to have to tell Bruce."
Somehow Dick's eyes widened even further. His mouth opened, and he shook his head back and forth.
"You can't! You promised," Dick cried.
Anger raced through Wally's veins again.
"Yeah well, you promised this wouldn't happen again!"
Dick's next reply was cut off by a voice behind Wally.
"Tell me what?" Batman asked.
Bruce Wayne's son panicked in a way Wally had never seen before. Dick was pushing into the mattress, scrambling away. Batman ignored the speedster, and moved to his son's side. He calmed Dick in a way only Bruce could, but the dark knight was still looking expectedly at Wally. The dark-haired man still protested, but the objections were weaker.
Right.
The redhead gulped.
He should have done this years ago, but staring into that cowl Wally couldn't find the words.
"Um," Wally started successfully. His lightning fast tongue felt like lead in his mouth. "Dick's attempted." He tried to force the word out, but he couldn't. Looking at Dick who seemed to be torn from his desire to run away and his desire to cling to the dark vigilante for life, Wally couldn't do this. He settled for repeating himself. "Dick's attempted before."
Batman seemed to understand him though because he collapsed. Well, his knees buckled, and he sat in the chair next to Dick's bed, letting go of his son's hand in the process.
The loss of physical contact seemed to rattle something in Dick's brain because he tried to move further from both of them again.
"I didn't," he cried. "It was a mistake. It hadn't happened. Just ignore him, Bruce."
Batman ignored Dick and turned his gaze on Wally.
"When?" His voice sounded more like a sob than a question.
That broke something in Wally. Batman shouldn't sound like that. Wally West broke Batman. This was bad. Very bad. Maybe he should have kept his stupid mouth shut.
"When?" Batman repeated more in control this time.
But Wally still heard it, and he was pretty sure he'd never unhear it.
He rubbed the back of his neck.
"Three years ago."
"What happened?"
Green eyes flicked back to Dick, who appeared to just stop. He wasn't moving. He wasn't running. He just looked defeated. Wally hated it. This wasn't what he wanted. He was just trying to help.
Batman growled, "Wallace, what happened?"
It was too late now.
"I found him on the Brooklyn Bridge. He was going to jump."
"Why wasn't I informed?"
Because the whole damn thing had been your fault, you ass.
At least Wally was smart enough not to say that part aloud.
"I thought it was handled. Dick promised it wouldn't happen again."
Batman finally turned to his son, who still wasn't moving. Wally was getting more terrified by the second that he had somehow shattered Nightwing forever.
The older man seemed to come to sort of a decision.
"Wallace, you need to inform your parents that you are alive. Then you need to reassure your aunt and uncle that you are okay before I end up with more speedsters in my cave."
Wally stuttered. He wasn't sure he should leave right now because he was fairly certain he had just decimated the original dynamic duo.
Dick's defeated voice decided him.
"Just go, Wally."
The original Kid Flash ran out of the cave.
Author's Note: I stand by my previous word. This fic is not going to be about a suicide attempt. Dick will not intentionally attempt suicide during this fic. However, his actions are borderline suicidal because he has been trying to get himself killed. I say this because suicide contagions are a real issue. I will not be portraying suicide as glorious, an escape, or a justifiable means of handling an issue. Next chapter, even Dick will tell you his previous actions were a mistake. Dick is dealing with depression and he struggles with wanting to be alive, but he won't make another attempt on his life. I'll explain more next chapter, but I thought that was important to clear up.
I was kinda surprised at how difficult it was for me to get into Wally's head. The poor kid is dealing with a lot and his emotions and thoughts are rattled because of his month long trip into speed force hell. At least, he has Artemis because she is the best.
Any guesses on why Wally blames Bruce for Dick's attempt? (And no, it's not because Dick was fired from Robin or kicked out. I'm rejecting those as not a part of the YJ timeline.)
Like Dick, you probably have a lot more people who care about you than you realize. If you need to talk to someone, I can listen, but there are trained counselors available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.