A/N: Ok ok, so this chapter is very much on the Humor side. I would make it bigger, but the things that are to come just don't fit with the rest of the chapter. Too gloomy and sad for this one, at least at some point. Alright, so the concept of this chapter, I tried to make as unique as possible. I sticked to some cliché scenes but tried to make them 'mine' as much as possible. The team arrangement was also a trouble, and after many makeovers I decided on the classic setting. It didn't turn as bad as I thought it would. The opposite, in fact. Now, I'm more than assured that most of you have seen these scenes over and over again in many fanfics… here, I tried to make a change. The scenes themselves are the same… the content is just a little different, at least as much as I could make it without making the reader lost.
Woot, long A/N =D Enjoy the chapter peeps.
The Ashbringer: Shinobi of the Light
Chapter 13: How to converse, with style.
It could be any regular day, really. Chirping birds, merchants running around preparing their goods, children having fun around the streets, people chattering the hour away… most would believe it was nothing special.
Most…
But not one Uzumaki Naruto. Grinning widely and prepared for anything, the young blonde walked towards the academy for maybe the last time. Today, he would get his team assignment, today, he would finally truly begin his career as a ninja of Konoha. It was a thrilling and scary idea altogether, but his excitement overwrote whatever worry dared appear.
Finally… after six years of hard work, he was finally here. How fast time seemed to pass. Those six years felt like yesterday. The time he had spent with Kiba and Hinata, all the things that had happened along the way, all the training he had done alongside Tirion and Kakashi alike…
He sighed, not really cheerful at the thought of Tirion as it was. The Paladin was only a flicker within his soul right now. Nothing more. He had no more time. He would be gone in a day or so maybe…
And what made his heart hurt even more was the idea that he was unable to meet him, at least for one last time. He hadn't seen him again since that last time that Tirion entrusted him with learning the spell of 'Redemption'…
But that was a summer dream now. And they both knew it. Without his guidance, Naruto was losing his path all the time, unable to put the pieces together, unable to comprehend what was truly needed.
He shook his head. It wasn't time for brainstorming. He would try and be cheerful. He would try and remember that old man with a smile on his face… always…
XxxxX
"What can I do for you today, my good sir?" asked a bald old man, wise eyes gazing at the newcomer. Said man simply sat down on a stool, occasionally glancing at the other patrons of the stand.
"One miso-soup…" he ordered.
"Please"
"Right away." The elder said with a smile. The younger man frowned under his cowl, examining the elderly carefully… as he did with the other patrons. Quite suspicious as his choice of wardrobe could be, none seemed to pay much attention. A pitch-black cloak like a starless night, a cowl that hid everything from view, even though one could probably see his eyes if he tried.
He also seemed to wear some kind of leather clothing… it was very likely that most would take him for a mercenary. Only they wore any kind of armor.
Oh, Samurai too, but that was another mater.
It didn't take long for his order to arrive, and he frowned even more at the food placed before him. The old man smiled again before leaving to attend to other customers.
The dark-dressed man simply stared his food down. After a few minutes of staring, and the food been grown a little cold, he leaned forward, taking in the odor…
"Ah… what a pity…" he said as he pushed the bowl aside.
Sitting up and exiting the store, he put his cloak aside to reveal a pair of identical swords…
Drawing them, runes embodied on the blade immediately began to shine with shimmering energy, a chilling aura seeping out of each sword…
He watched as one of the patrons within the stand started to grasp his head, as if an immense headache had stroke. The other patrons run to his aid, before they had a similar reaction…
Aiming one blade at the little stand, he let a sigh loose…
"Howling Blast" a mighty wind, colder than snow, stronger than ice, hit the store head on.
And there was nothing left, except for scattered frozen pieces of wood and flesh…
"I liked that store…" shame was evident in his voice. He didn't like what he was doing, but it was for the greater good, was it not?
They began to 'change' far faster than usual. When it usually took a couple of hours, now it was taking a mere half of it. He didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.
Seething his swords and hiding them from view, he made to leave the scene before someone took notice of him. Taking a piece of paper out of his pocket, he smoothly signed off the name of the area, preparing to head towards the next one…
Taking down all this damn infestation zones on his own was hard work. He really wished he had some of his knights with him…
Unhappy but compelled by his duty, Darion made his way for the next unlucky establishment…
XxxxX
"Oohhh, I really hope that blond… 'thing', doesn't end up in my team." Kiba commented, obviously pointing his words to none other than Ino, who yet once again for the last time, within the academy at least, fought with Sakura over who was going to sit next to the broody Uchiha. Sasuke, fan of neither of them, was saying nothing as usual.
Sadly, those two never seemed to notice that there where sits on both sides of the kid. Probably lack of brain cells. Yep.
"Who do you think you're gonna end up with, guys?" Kiba seemed pretty talkative today. Hinata and Naruto sat on either side of him, both looking at opposite directions. The Inuzukas' eye twitched… they had been like this for some time now, both shy and avoiding each other a little. No, he didn't smell anything weird… they where just nervous. A lot.
"Well, I'm most likely to end up in a powerhouse team." Naruto broke the momentary silence. "Most teams are like that, being a combo of either fighters, trackers, or jutsu specialists. I for one am a good fighter in close quarters. If they want a balanced team, we aren't likely to end up together…" he said these last words with regret, and both of his friend's could see the reason in that. Both Kiba and Hinata where more of a tracker, being Inuzuka and Hyuuga, and they were also mostly hand to hand fighters.
Very unlikely that they would end up in his team. Naruto would probably be put up with someone who can use offensive long-range jutsus and fight in melee at the same time, while the other member would take on more defensive duties, like scouting, healing, tracking etc. That was an efficient setup, at least in his mind.
Not that it pleased him. He really wanted to be with both Hinata and Kiba. A lot. They where his only friends… their cooperation would most likely be far better than how it would be if he had for example, Sasuke, a total prick, or say Sakura, a rabbit fan-girl, on his team.
By the time he made it out of his little world, Iruka had already entered the classroom and was preparing to distribute the students accordingly…
"Ok, ok, I know you've all been waiting for this. Through strife and hard work you have all managed today to bring forth a new generation of shinobi. Let us all hope that…" he kept talking and talking, most of it nonsense or prideful preaching about the virtues of a ninja. With a few words, nothing new.
"… and now that's out of the way, let me introduce you to your new teammates." By the time he had reached that point, Shikamaru had already fallen asleep. Lazy bastard, always doing nothing but snoozing around…
"Team 1 will be…" and so he began calling off names.
"… team 5, Sichi Sadako, Kyuuta Abimiya, Mitsuko Hieki…" weird names… oh well.
Naruto paid no heed to the call of team 6, his senses unfocused as he expected himself somewhere around team 9 or something.
"… Team 7, Uzumaki Naruto…" surprised at the slight irony of luck, he nevertheless turned to heed who else would be with him in the particular team. He hoped…
"Uchiha Sasuke" that made the blonde shiver in terror. He, with the stuck-up prick? The number-one brooder of all times? The Lord of Emos? Holy…
"Haruno Sakura." Naruto barely held himself from banging his head on the desk before him. Ok, he didn't expect to be put up with either Hinata nor Kiba, but this? Preposterous, insane!
And maybe a little sugar-coated, just to be on the safe side.
Arghh, what was he thinking?!
His near yells of protests where halted as Kiba put a hand on his shoulders
"Naruto… none of us is happy with this…" oh yeah, he could clearly see that teasing grin behind Kiba's words, just begging to come out.
"Team 8, Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Hinata, Aburame Shino."
"Someone's gonna die…" Naruto brooded to himself for maybe the first time in a long run. There where plenty of times that he was disappointed with many things in his life, but this was worth screeching for.
Sakura did indeed screech. Though it wasn't one of horror. It was one of delight.
"Hahaha! Eat that you pig!" she pointed an accusing finger to Ino, who could do nothing but glare death at her rival.
Naruto noticed though, that Sasuke didn't seem all that delighted about this situation either, much like him. Well, that wasn't something new. Sasuke never was delighted about anything. He tried imagining the Uchiha with a way too happy smile on his face, dancing around wearing a dress amidst a valley of flowers.
Everyone looked up towards the familiar trio's position as Naruto burst out laughing. Kiba and Hinata began to laugh alongside him, though none was sure why.
Needless to say, most thought that this was their first step inside insanity.
Maybe it was.
Finally composing himself, Naruto sighed and paid no attention to the bewildered stares. This wasn't like himself at all, laughing at someone, imagining weird things and the such.
Not that he didn't like it. Peace of mind was very much welcome… even if it was twisted, a little.
"And finally, Team 10 with Akamichi Chouji, Yamanaka Ino and Nara Shikamaru." He closed the small notebook and set it aside
"Now I want you all to wait here for your sensei's who are bound to arrive in a few minutes." He smiled at his students, one last smile of a proud teacher who was bidding the latest patch of troublemakers goodbye. He smirked at his own thoughts.
"Have a nice day." And he walked out of the classroom, allowing the first teacher that was there to enter and pick up his team.
Naruto dropped his head, all complaints for his new position falling on deaf ears… not that he voiced them in the first place, though.
Hinata and Kiba where there to comfort him, at least. Well, Hinata did. Kiba was taking advantage of the oh so rare opportunity in teasing him.
XxxxX
Somewhere between Fire and Lighting territories, in a small village called... wait, scratch the village.
"You insolent son of a bitch!" one of them yelled in clear anger, glaring death at the robed man.
"Usually people refer to me as 'Richard', but thank you very much, comment appreciated." The man called Richard smiled back under his hood.
"Why did you kill them? What had my sons or this village ever done to you?!" he shouted in despair. A battalion of soldiers was now rounding around Richard, ready to seize him at a moments notice. All that they waited for was their commander's order.
"I asked for directions. They didn't know. Simple." He replied evenly with a shrug of his shoulders, as if the mayhem he had caused was a summer breeze.
"And you slaughtered everyone for that?!"
"Well, one of them also touched me."
The man grinded his teeth. "Seize him! You bastard is going to answer before the court of law… then we're going to behead you!" his words dripped venom.
Richard nodded "Very well, I'll play along. But…" he pointed one finger
"Rule number one: Do. Not. Touch me." He said as he pointed the extended finger at everyone around him.
The obvious commander barely held himself from either crying in despair or howling in rage.
"Shut your trap and follow!" he said, grabbing the Warlock by the shoulders.
A few seconds and a "Fwoosh" later, the man was reduced to nothing but a pile of ashes, the soldiers around him gazing in horror.
Richard just shrugged "He forgot rule number one."
XxxxX
"Great… I'm sincerely amazed by the plain greatness of it all." Even a deaf man could hear the sarcasm in these words. Two hours… two freaking, boring, life-killing hours.
And their sensei was yet to be seen.
How typical of Kakashi.
Why did he have to be their sensei? That was the icing of the cake. Ok, so the man was fairly good at teaching, Naruto knew first hand, but a leading him and two, yes please mark it, two more idiots around?
Naruto just couldn't see that.
Kakashi was way too lazy for such stuff.
And here he was, sitting alone at the back of the class, waiting for said man to appear. No wait, he wasn't alone. There where too other 'things' in here as well.
Sakura, the rabbit fangirl. Please note that 'fangirls' aren't exactly humans. They lack the intelligence that's necessary for that category.
Sasuke, the Lord of Emos. If there was a 'Brooding' jutsu, Sasuke sure would be the master of it. Definitely.
He shook his head. His pupilage in the arts of the Light had taught him not to scorn or mock others, neither judge them so easily. But these too…
They just begged for it.
He was a Paladin, but he was a ninja too. He had the right to be a little out-of-the-way himself, right?
So… he was a paladin. So… he knew a few tricks that others did not. Why not make a little demonstration out of it…? To make Kakashi see just who he's dealing with exactly…
XxxxX
It was just like any other lousy day. And he didn't expect to accomplish much as it was. Maybe he would throw that 'black cat' excuse for starters… had Naruto heard that before? He couldn't remember.
The idea of him being a teacher bewildered him at some point. Then, after said point, it bored him to hell. Why?
Well, he wasn't a teacher yet, that is. All the teams that had tried, had also failed. None had passed the actual genin test. None had enough brain cells for it. He wondered if this team would be any different.
Opening the door, he kept in mind to check for chalk above him. Naruto had played that trick many times in the past…
Nope, all safe.
"Yo" he said simply as he walked inside, closing the door behind him and smiling at the room.
His single eye nearly bugged out at the image.
"Hello, Kakashi-sensei." Three voices said in a chorus. Kakashi rubbed his eye to make sure what he saw was real.
In the front row, Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto sat next to each other, having a way too retarded smile on their faces, eyes misty and unfocused and a body posture that just screamed seriousness to top it off. They sat erect with their hands joined, as if ready to pray or something.
"Wh…wh…" he tried to speak.
"We love you, Kakashi-sensei." They said in perfect unison, looking at him straight in the eye. It freaked him out…
He didn't know if it was the insanity of it all, or their words that made him sweat.
"S-Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, what's going on?" he managed to say. They all titled their heads in curiosity, their timing more than perfect.
"What do you mean? We love you so much Kakashi-sensei. We love your mum too. And the dog… yeah, the dog. Rope maybe…" Kakashi thought about revealing his Sharingan, in case this was an Illusion or something.
Frowning at a fleeting idea, Kakashi simply threw a trio of shuriken at the out-of-space students…
They all puffed in clouds of smoke when the weapons made contact.
There where times that the Hatake really regretted ever teaching Naruto the Kage Bunshin…
And the incontrollable laughing that came from upstairs, resonating down the corridors and maybe for around a hundred meters around the academy, was probably Naruto rolling on the floor as the memories returned to him.
With a sigh and a silent anger rising within him, Kakashi shunsihed to the roof…
XxxxX
"Oh god… oh god… hahahahahah" Sakura and Sasuke both stood aside, watching Naruto roll around on the floor again and again, his laughter uncontainable nor hindered.
"What's so funny, baka?" Sakura asked, keeping away from the blonde. She didn't expect him to hear her anyway.
A breeze swiveled around them and they all, except Naruto, turned to look at the otherwise empty railing that now stood a man with spiky silver hair, a mask covering his face and a Konoha headband hiding his right eye.
It was Hatake Kakashi.
And he was angry.
Not wasting a moment and taking advantage of Naruto's disorientation, Kakashi summoned a simple Shadow Clone…
And then made him turn into Hinata.
In a bikini…
When Naruto rose from his laughter, eyes watery and the such, still chuckling, he turned to look at his bugged eyed new teammates and then at where they where looking.
Well… when Naruto saw what he saw…
The rest is history.
XxxxX
"You didn't have to do that, old bastard…" Naruto mumbled to himself as he wiped his nose yet again. That was a damn lot of blood…
Kakashi's smile was clearly evident under his mask. How joyful it was to play on others weaknesses.
"You know you asked for it." He said.
"I fell down from the freaking railing! From the damn fifth floor!" thankfully, Kakashi was fast enough to catch him before he hit the ground.
"It's not my problem if you can't contain your urges." Kakashi's smile was gone as he simply shrugged. Naruto though could clearly see a wide grin hiding behind these damn words of his… he could also feel his cheeks heating up.
He sighed, dropping the mater. The day was even. One and one.
"Alright, now that that's out of the way…" Kakashi turned to look at the other two as well, who had been quietly observing the confrontation. Sakura was grinning and Sasuke was smirking evilly… what he saw today probably amused him to some end.
"I want you guys to introduce yourselves, dreams, likes-dislikes and all. Money is also welcome." He said with a smile.
"But you already know me, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said, brushing off the last comment.
"Your teammates don't. So why don't you start it off, Naruto?" Kakashi was really in the mood today. The blonde hated that.
He grunted. "My name's Uzumaki Naruto (duh), and I want to be an aspiring leader one day. My likes, well, Ramen, my friends Kiba and Hinata, making Kakashi's day a living hell (he smirked on that one) and… oh, being treated to ramen as well."
"I don't like Sasuke and Sakura. The rest of humanity, I think I can stand."
"Why don't you like your new teammates, Naruto?" Kakashi asked in wonder.
Naruto made a grimace "For starters, they lack IQ. A lot."
"Hey!" Sakura clenched her fists, but Sasuke seemed unaffected by the comment.
"What makes you believe you are smarter than them?" Kakashi pressed on.
"Well… I don't act like a fangirl over an asshole, and I'm not an asshole ignoring the world."
Kakashi could clearly see that things weren't that good here. Sakura was fuming in anger, but Sasuke's silent and impassive treatment of these comments seemed more dangerous than any rage Sakura could show. He had a lot of work to do here…
"You think Sasuke's an asshole… tell me, what brought you to that conclusion?" he asked again.
Naruto stared at him for a moment. "What are you? A Psychologist?"
"No, but that's what we're going to do for today. I want you to know your teammates and yourself better before we continue." He replied evenly.
The blonde could see the reason in that, even though he didn't like it.
"Sasuke… is always trying hard. I'll give him that. But he sees everyone else as inferior. Even though you Kakashi-sensei can kill him before he knows it, I think he sees you as a mere peasant as well only because he's an Uchiha. Sorry, let me rehearse. Dick is more likely a word for him."
Kakashi was bewildered for a moment at his choice of words. Naruto slimly let his mouth slip.
"Ok, enough from you for now. Sakura, your turn." He had read her file… this girl was a bookworm, not a ninja. He wondered what she was doing here in the first place… well, she was a woman, so he was more likely to have to teach her how to be agile. A female's natural agility was very handy, especially for medic nins. She had some potential in that field.
"Well, I'm Haruno Sakura (Naruto: Tell us something new)." She ignored him "My likes…" a meaningful glance at the boy next to her. He paid no mind whatsoever "my dislikes…" another glance at the blonde boy this time (Naruto: walk it off…) "My dreams…" yet another meaningful glance to the still uninterested onyx haired boy.
"Sasuke-Naruto-Sasuke… wow, what a combo." Kakashi said with a smile as the girl blushed wildly.
"Sasuke, your up." He wouldn't waste much time with Sakura now. She didn't give him much to work on anyway. He would have to work on that fangirlism of hers and turn to something useful…
Said Uchiha finally seemed to snap back in reality.
"I'm Uchiha Sasuke (Hail), my dreams… no, aspiration, is to kill a certain man (Who's the lucky fella?). I like nothing and dislike only things that get in my way (Like your brain?)" Naruto's whispered sarcastic comments went seemingly unnoticed, or at least Kakashi pretended not to hear them. Since when had Naruto began to speak in that way? Most of the time, the blonde would be silent and observant, not ready to throw a comment in.
Kakashi grunted as he tried to come up with a question for the boy.
"Ok, so Sasuke…"
XxxxX
"Are you sure that we should have let Richard loose out there?" Poll asked, worried to the bone. He was gazing outside the window, eyes unfocused to anything, not paying attention to the people that came and went in the street below.
"Worried about yer old friend?" Gorley said with a smirk. Poll sighed.
"I'm more worried about those that encounter him…"
"Relax. We'll go looking fer him tomorrow, just to make sure. I'm bored here anyway." Gorley said with another grin. The Naruto-Tirion case would have to wait. They had time…
"But how are we going to find him? This place isn't small…"
"Simple. Follow the corpses."
XxxxX
"… how do you know that?" Sakura was bewildered.
"Simple. If you think it this way…" Naruto explained.
Kakashi smiled under his mask yet again. These two where making some progress, unlike the always brooding one that sat between them. The dark aura he gave off was a definite contradiction to Naruto's bright presence.
"That's stupid…" her opinion didn't seem to affect him much. He just shrugged.
"Your opinion. Just don't say it out loud, he can hear you." He pointed a finger at the Uchiha. Sakura glared daggers at him in retaliation.
"Sasuke-kun is not stupid!" she defended.
"You're right. Sorry. The word stupid just doesn't touch the right caliber…" he pretended to think about what word would be more insulting.
"… will you knock it off…?" Sasuke finally commented after all his silence. For two hours now, he had endured Naruto's comments one after the other. And he had finally broken…
The triumphant grin on Naruto's face was proof of that.
"Your head? Gladly." He said, preparing a kick.
Sasuke simply leaned forward as the kick went right above his head. Neither Kakashi nor the boys took further action than that. All of them but Sakura knew that Naruto wasn't aiming to begin with.
"Watch your feet, you clumsy buffoon!"
"Shh! He doesn't like his real name." Naruto mocked yet once again.
And Sasuke really seemed ready to snap.
"Shut up, or I'll make you…" he threatened, back in his previous position.
"Oh yeah? How exactly?" the blonde grinned.
The Uchiha frowned at him. "Don't challenge me, dork."
"Because I have no chance of success against the all-mighty Uchiha? Ok then, Kakashi-sensei!" Kakashi turned his eye from his favored orange book to look at his pupil.
"You previously mentioned a genin test, right?" the man nodded. He had explained to them about the 'real thing' about an hour prior.
"Yosh! So tomorrow, if I do better than Sasuke, he will have to wear…" drum roll.
"PINK!" he shouted with a finger pointed to the sky and a fist to his heart. Everyone simply sweet dropped.
"… and if I win?" Sasuke looked more interested now. Hooked even. Kakashi's visible eyebrow rose as a realization downed on him.
"Then I, will keep Sakura off your back for a whole week." He said with pride.
Sasuke's face didn't show it, but his eyes shone with a definite satisfaction as he tasted the idea. A whole week, Sakura free. The girl, on the other hand had a far different opinion…
"Deal." He said, extending his hand. Naruto gladly took it and shook it vigorously.
"I never go back on my word, teme."
"Neither do I, dobe"
"At least we share something in common." Naruto said with a smile.
"Definitely not the brains." Sasuke commented with a smirk.
"Yep, yours aren't there to begin with." The blonde retorted easily, though Sasuke only smirked even more.
"Alright, alright, you three are dismissed for today. And remember, tomorrow at training ground 7, eight o'clock sharp. Don't be late… and don't eat breakfast."
The three had turned at him to listen to the reminder of his previous instructions.
"But, why no breakfast sensei?" Sakura asked with a pleading, innocent sad look on her face. It didn't work on Kakashi, though he did like it.
"Ah, you'll know when the time comes." He said and waved them off, disappearing in a whirl of leafs…
"Whatever" Sasuke simply said and began walking away, Sakura quickly in tow with him.
Naruto smirked at their fleeing backs. "You really are a little devil, Naruto." He heard Kakashi's voice from next to him. The blonde just nodded.
"Well, I'm glad it worked out." He said.
"Me too. Let's see how this goes." They stayed silent for a minute…
"Ramen?" the jounin suggested.
"It's one-one today." Naruto said.
Then the blonde felt that something was missing… something really important.
"Hey…" he looked down.
"What the!!" he screamed as a light flashed behind him. A clone of Kakashi threw a camera at the real one, then puffed in a cloud of smoke.
"That makes it two. Your treat." He smiled and vanished in a whirl of wind and leafs yet again.
"Hey! At least give me back my pants!"
XxxxX
It was late at night and Naruto finally made his way back home. This day was tiring, to say the least. Spending morning and noon talking with his new teammates and sensei, then going with said sensei for lunch (after finally finding his pants under a bush) and spending the rest of the day training or goofing around.
Ok, he felt a little worn out, but nothing big. He had seen worst.
Hey… wasn't that Sasuke?
Why was he running like that?
"Hey, teme! Where are you going at this time?!" he shouted.
Sasuke halted his movement to look back at the blonde.
"Haven't you heard? Baka… someone has stolen the scroll of sealing!" he replied, his voice hurried and his breath uneven.
"And that makes you run around why exactly…?" Naruto rubbed the back of his head.
"You fool, whomever manages to bring back this scroll is going to be praised for sure! I can finally prove them my worth by catching the thief!"
"And you think you can deal with a man who managed to steal such a thing under the noses of ANBU all by yourself? Heh, not even in your dreams." Naruto replied and began running towards him, then past him.
"What are you waiting for?! Come on! We got a thief to catch!" he yelled behind his shoulder. Sasuke stared for a moment, before he shook his head and hurried after the blonde.
Things where about to get wild…
XxxxX
A/N: It's 1:50 AM in Greece right now and I'm too tired to think jokes up… so I went to a website and copied the ones I deemed good enough to be here. Enjoy =)
Omake: Chuck Norris, Part 2
1.If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
2. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
3. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
4. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It's a Chucktatorship.
5. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
6. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris
7. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
8. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
9. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
10. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
11. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
12. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
13. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
14. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
15. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
16. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
17. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
19. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
20. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Note: For some reason, I really liked number 16 =D