Episode 13- The Seven Years' War

In which Francois Bonnefoy and his wife Catherine protect their young son Mathieu in all their best efforts.

In 1720, there were three colonial families. A large family in Central and South America was the Fernandez family, consisting of Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, his four native wives, and his 18 children. Think of all the grocery bills!

Another family in what is now the central United States and Canada was the Bonnefoy family, consisting of Francois Bonnefoy, his Indian wife Catherine, and their son Mathieu. A doting family, wasn't it?

And a third family living along what is now the eastern coast of the United States was the Kirkland family, consisting of Arthur Kirkland, his Indian wife Rose, and their two sons, Eric and Alfred.

But, by that time, Arthur, having become the British Empire in 1707, was discontent with 13 measly colonies along the Atlantic coast and so had his eyes on Francois' young son Mathieu.

Now, as you know, neither Francois nor Catherine would allow Arthur to steal their son, so they decided to do something about it.

"Catherine, we cannot allow Arthur to steal our son," said Francois in fear.

Catherine sighed, "Good thing I married the right settler."

Francois then declared, "Catherine, we must protect our little boy Mathieu at all costs."

"It's a deal," said Catherine. And they shook hands in agreement.

The next night, outside the fort, Arthur snuck behind the bushes. "He-he-he-he-he!" he chuckled sinisterly. "France will never know what hit him until his little son is gone." And he tried to go into the fort. But then, who should he come across but two very protective and very angry parents?

"Uh-oh!" groaned Arthur, and he ran away very fast as Catherine shot arrows at him, while Francois fired his musket at him. Now Arthur knew that taking Mathieu away from his parents was no easy task.

He tried again the next night, only this time, he disguised himself as a lady, because he knew very well that Francois did not have the willpower to shoot a lady.

As Arthur snuck up to the couple in disguise, you can bet that Francois was obviously fooled. "Bon soir, mademoiselle," he said to the "lady" as he let "her" pass by.

But Catherine was suspicious that the "woman" who passed by her French husband was no lady.

It was only when the parents heard their son screaming did they go to action. There, in Mathieu's bedroom, they saw Arthur, in a woman's dress, trying to capture the little boy. So they shot Arthur out of home and house, causing him to drop the boy onto his bed and run off again.

After the battle was over, Mathieu showed his gratitude to his parents. "Merci, maman. Merci, papa," he said to his parents as they hugged him tightly.

Oh, how I would like to end the story this way, but alas, history can be cruel sometimes.

Meanwhile, in Austria, in the year 1740, an Austrian crowd was shouting, "Long live the Archduchess of Austria! LONG LIVE THE QUEEN! LONG LIVE THE ARCHDUCHESS OF AUSTRIA!" Yes, that archduchess was Maria Theresa!

She then came to a young Austrian named Roderich Edelstein and said to him, "From this day forward, you shall address me as 'Your Royal Highness' or 'Majesty'."

To which Roderich said, "Ja, swell." Just then, a little yellow bird flew into the window with a message in its beak.

Maria Theresa asked, "Is it a belated congratulations for me?"

As Roderich took the message out of the bird's beak, he answered, "It's from Gilbert Beilschmidt, but I'm not sure I call it a happy note."

The message read:

"Hello, little girl! I am Prussia und you are not! My awesomeness is exploding at an alarming rate even for someone as awesome as the great Prussia! Anyway, super-happy, la-la to you und your inauguration, but I'm afraid we consider it no more than dried squirrel poo. Perhaps we'll leave you alone if you give us Austria's Silesia region. It's pronounced "se-LEE-zhia", right? Otherwise, we'll attack you with awesomeness und let my fierce league destroy you! From Gilbert Beilschmidt, mit love. P.S. I'm AWESOME!"

The next day, Roderich, in a state of dismay, turned to his people and said, "My manly tract of land has been occupied by that demon Gilbert Beilschmidt. We'll gather soldiers und go take it back immediately!"

After a short silence, Maria Theresa asked her country, "Oh, do you have to be so vulgar?"

"Uh, excuse me, please," said one of the subjects. "You do realize that we are having a concert in March. This is fighting if it's interrupted."

Another one of the subjects said, "I refuse to live without the camaraderie of the choir."

"If you try to take my piano, I'll scratch out your eyes!" cried a third subject.

A fourth subject agreed, "Think straight. If we can't bring the orchestra with us, I won't go."

It seemed that the subjects were not fighters, but musicians. And with that, Roderich declared, "I can't argue mit that. You guys win."

But Maria Theresa ran up to him and cried, "Please don't tell them to give up! Go to war!"

And so, Roderich Edelstein somehow managed to go to war.

The next day, an Austrian lookout cried out, "EVERYONE! START FREAKING OUT! GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT IS HERE!"

And Gilbert shouted to Roderich, "Suck it, losers!" As it turned out, it was not just Gilbert. With him were two illustrious empires, Francois Bonnefoy and Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. The albino Prussian shouted, "The queen wants to fight no matter what, huh? Roderich will have to be content at being my snack before my world domination meal! This so-called 'army' that Austria has put together would make my grandmother laugh like this! KESESESESESE~! You've grown soft und now is the time for Prussia to rise like a magic jack-in-the-box for you, demon! Look at my soldiers und their mean faces! I taught them that face. I can't wait to see you weep like a little baby girl man-boy."

To put it simply, Europe at the time was in chaos. In order to crush Roderich, Gilbert had to get Francois and Antonio to go along with him. With these three countries together, they had a "Crush Austria" team that will forever be known as the "Bad Touch Trio". On the other side, however, the only one supporting Roderich was Arthur Kirkland, who was used to bad odds, bad teeth, bad food, and fighting against anyone allied with France.

One day, Roderich and Arthur were having a little picnic, Arthur telling Roderich an exaggerated version of the Battle of Crecy: "And so, I told Francois exactly what he could do with his baguette. I suppose then he got scared by my imperial powers! HA-HA!"

Roderich replied, "That is hard to believe."

"You say so? He's no match for me, and he knows it!"

Just then, the Austrian handed a sausage to Arthur and asked him, "By the way, would you like to have my sausage?"

Arthur was surprised. "Why, yes, sir," he said. "Thank you." And he took a bite out of the sausage. Apparently, he loved the taste of it because he remarked, "I SAY! 'TIS QUITE DELICIOUS! Tell me something, Roddy. Do you normally bring such luxuries into the field with you? Did a fancy chef make this?"

"No," said the Austrian. "I did. It's very common where I'm from."

Of course, Arthur became a bit down at this and muttered, "Why am I not surprised?"

Roderich then told the Englishman, "I worry about what you eat in your country."

But, one day, at the heat of the first battle, Roderich lost handily to Gilbert.

The albino cackled, "Big surprise! You are weak und I am not, loser!"

"You," gasped Roderich. "Take your hands away!"

Gilbert then turned to one of his men and ordered, "The painter! Bring him to me! We'll have him capture Roderich's face und taste for posterity."

"Yes, sir," said the soldier.

Just then, Roderich turned his head and read a note from Arthur Kirkland:

"Dear Roderich Edelstein, I just wanted to kick Francois Bonnefoy's derriere, so I am not taking sides. Regards, Arthur Kirkland."

"Oh, Arthur Kirkland," growled Roderich in anger. "In regards to your betrayal, I believe it has given me the right to talk bad about you behind your back."

Yes, it was then and there when the Austrian learned that Arthur Kirkland was a false friend.

The War of Austrian Succession ended with the Treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle in 1748. However, Silesia remained in Prussia's hands.

But it was around this time when Francois learned that his dear Indian wife, Catherine, was dying of illness. She was calling for him.

So Francois sailed back to the New World to see his wife and son again. There, in his fort, he saw his beautiful Catherine, now thin and dying. He could feel his heart breaking.

Catherine then called her husband, "Francois, come here." Her voice was faint, a far cry from her once-strong voice before the war.

Francois came to his dying mate with tears in his eyes. "Oh, Catherine," he sobbed. "Why you? I have not seen you or Mathieu for years."

"Shhh, don't cry," said Catherine. "I'll be fine. Just promise me that you will care for our boy and protect him from Arthur Kirkland."

The weeping Frenchman, now knowing that protecting Mathieu would be his task and his alone, then replied, "I promise, mon amour."

"Francois," sighed Catherine. "Je t'aime." And she closed her eyes, never to open them again.

Catherine Bonnefoy had died in her French husband's arms in January of 1749. Francois then took his now-motherless son into his arms and embraced him.

"Come, mon petit ours," he said to his young son, and he took his dead wife to the churchyard to have her buried and given a Christian funeral. While she was alive, Catherine had called Mathieu "Little Bear" because she had loved him like a mother bear would her cubs, and now, it was Francois' turn to call him that.

Francois tried in all his best efforts to protect Mathieu after Catherine died, but he learned all too quickly that protecting your kids alone is no easy task, especially if your hungry, hungry little brother is after your kids. So, in 1756, the Seven Years' War began.

During the war, Francois was allied with Roderich, Antonio, and a Russian guy named Ivan Braginski, while Arthur was allied with Gilbert.

The war climaxed in 1759 with the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland squared off opposite each other, as though finding a good position to fight.

"So, you want my son, eh, Arthur?" sneered Francois as he whipped out his sword. "Then you shall have to go through me first!"

Arthur was furious, and he, whipping out his own sword, ordered his men, "FIRE!"

And they fired. Francois ordered his men to fire back. In the heat of battle, both countries' generals were killed. But in the end, Arthur won the battle, and with it, the Seven Years' War altogether.

Thanks to the Treaty of Paris of 1763, Arthur Kirkland received the right to take Mathieu Bonnefoy away from his father.

That night, a battle-weary Francois came up to his little son.

"Oh, papa, you are hurt," said Mathieu. "Did you win?"

Francois could not respond, but breathed a sad sigh.

Mathieu was shocked. "Papa," he asked. "Tell me, tell me you won."

"Je suis tres desole, mon petit ours," he said in a low voice as tears ran down his face. "I can no longer be your father."

Mathieu gasped, "You mean…you lost?"

Francois sighed and nodded. With that, he hugged his crying boy for a minute, until he heard and angry English voice shouting, "ALRIGHT! HAND OVER THE BOY, OR I SHALL HAVE TO USE FORCE!"

And with that, he swiped Mathieu from his real father's embrace. "Papa! PAPA!" he screamed.

"Mathieu!" screamed Francois. But before he could chase after Arthur, he heard the Englishman say to the boy, "Your father never really cared for you. He was much happier before you were born, dear boy."

Mathieu was heartbroken, but he continued crying out for his papa.

Feeling defeated and now believing that his son might not forgive him for giving him up, Francois fell to his knees in despair.

"Come on, Francey-pants!" shouted one of his politicians. "Let's go home! The kid's not worth it anymore!"

Francois, although still unhappy, decided that going home was all he could do now, considering that he was no longer allowed to see his beloved son Mathieu Bonnefoy, who from that point onward would be called Matthew William Kirkland.

So he trudged to the ship home and off he went back to France, where Arthur would feel he belonged.

Later that night, at a tavern, Francois had gotten himself totally drunk on Bordeaux wine. He sobbed, "Blasted Voltaire…*hic*…blasted politicians…*hic*…blasted anyone who dares call my dear son 'a few…*hic*…acres of snow'."

Just then, his older half-brother and dear friend, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, went up to the crying Frenchman and said, "¡Hola, Francisco!" Then he noticed his little brother, sobbing. He asked with compassion, "What is wrong, mi hermano?"

Francois then spit out, "I am a terrible father.*hic*"

"¿Que dijiste?" asked Antonio.

As he dried his tears, Francois explained, "The Treaty of Paris that our politicians signed,*hic* it meant that I would have to give up my son,*hic* my only son Mathieu, to that…*hic*…that monster Arthur Kirkland*hic*. That is what makes me a terrible father!*hic*"

Antonio then reassured Francois, "There, there, mi amigo. Don't judge yourself too harshly. You taught your son a great deal about your customs and language. More than once, you took him to Paris to see the Sun-King! And you did your best to protect him."

"But that did not stop that jerk Voltaire…*hic*…from calling him 'a few acres of snow',*hic*" said the Frenchman. "Oh, I fail at parenthood*hic*."

"Now, now, Francois, don't fret," said the Spaniard. "You can make up for losing your son. One day, Arthur's own sons will want independence from their father."

"You think so, Antonio?" asked Francois.

"Hermano, I know so," Antonio replied. "And we will side with the boys when we know that God is on their side."

Coming up next, Francois reads Rousseau and helps Alfred win his independence.