Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.

This is the second time today I posted this chapter. A reader let me know that the chapter wasn't visible although an e-mail was sent to my account that is was published. Hopefully, you can see (and read) it now?

Love, McJinx

Chapter 13

Meredith's POV

I just sat on my sofa, staring at Derek, my eyes getting wider and wider. I lowered my head but that caused a severe dizzy spell so I quickly looked up again. Derek sat next to me smiling, trying to look relaxed although I knew he probably wasn't.

He sure was asking a lot from me; to marry him! He knew I'd planned to become a Neurosurgeon just like he was. To me, my medical career had always come first, last and always; at least, it had, before yesterday. Things were completely different now. But if I was honest to myself then 'yes'; Derek was definitely the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Marry. Maybe have children someday, if we were lucky; if I survived my brain tumor.

I took in a deep — not really necessary breath — choosing my answer very carefully, 'If you get me through this then…yes, I'll marry you…any time, and any place you choose…'

Derek's mouth curled up in a broad smile and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him but I freed myself from his embrace and continued. 'But…if this goes wrong, I want you to walk away and forget about me.'

Derek's smile quickly faded from his face and a painful shadow seemed to cross his handsome features, 'No…no, Meredith…I can't do that.'

'Yes, you can! Derek, I'm a medical student and my parents both are surgeons. I know the risks. I've got a four per cent chance of dying on your table. I know you're an excellent Neurosurgeon but when my brain tumor is malignant or you nick an artery during my operation, I'm a goner. I know you'll be careful and I truly think, I'm gonna be fine…,' I paused, '…but if I'm not…if I do have a stroke or need chemo, I need you to walk away. Right now…I want you to take care of me but when I need long-time care with chemo or radiation therapy, you'll start to resent me. Your guilt will play up and slowly, what you feel for me, won't be love anymore. It'll be pity.'

Derek raked a hand through his black curls, looking slightly distraught, 'No, it won't be like that.'

I knew I was being harsh and straight to the point and somehow I hated myself for it. But Derek had to be realistic about my brain tumor; see the situation for what it was.

'Derek, I'm twenty-seven. We're talking about the rest of my life. That's hopefully a hell of a long time.'

Derek flinched and I could read his thoughts from his face. He just looked stunned…shocked. I lifted my hand and stroked his jaw, 'Believe me when I say, I love you Derek. With all my heart but you need to promise me this!'

Derek's POV

For several minutes, I was unable to speak. I pulled Meredith closer, my face resting against her hair. I wasn't dreaming. She'd said she wanted to become my wife…at least on her terms.

'We're going to get through this, Derek,' Meredith said softly. 'You're going to operate and one day…I'm going to be an excellent Neurosurgeon. And life's going to be just as it was…just as it was before we knew about my brain tumor.'

My heart contracted sharply. I didn't want her to make plans yet, not to jinx the operation…just in case.

'And…we're going to get married. We're going to have it all,' she whispered.

'I'd settle for getting you safely through this week,' I whispered, pulling slightly back and kissing her forehead.

Meredith smiled, nodding.

'You know, you're going to have to tell your fellow residents,' I warned. 'You can't just let them find out about it when you turn up on the OR board by the end of this week.'

Meredith sighed, 'I'll tell them tomorrow. But if anyone is feeling sorry for me or starts treating me like a delicate flower…'

I grinned, 'They wouldn't dare…oh well, April might…but people care about you Meredith.'

'Mmm.'

…

Meredith's POV

'Mer? What are you doing? Come on. We're gonna be late.' Cristina complained, loudly knocking on my front door, the next morning. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, trying to stop my bloody nose.

'Meredith?' I heard Cristina yell again. I sighed as a pushed a handkerchief against my nose.

'Can I let her in?' Derek poked his head around the bathroom door. I nodded and started cleaning the mess on the bathroom counter.

'What's McDreary doing at your apartment?' Cristina asked, her expression showing apparent curiosity as she entered my bathroom.

'Derek's my…,' I couldn't finish my sentence because Cristina rushed to my side and helped me sit down on the edge of the bathtub.

'Mer…what's going on? Why is Shepherd here? Are you sick?' Cristina's voice was low, her eyes filled with worry.

'I…I have a brain tumor,' I blurted out, not knowing how else to break the bad news to her.

'Please, tell me this is a joke,' Cristina whispered while she sank down on the edge of the tub next to me. I swallowed the lump that grew in my throat and slowly shook my head, 'I'm afraid it's not.'

'What are you gonna do about it?' Cristina snapped at Derek who entered the bathroom. I saw how he clenched his jaw because her remark got to him but then he sighed because he knew she was only worried about me.

'I'm operating on Miss Webber this Friday,' Derek said softly while he carefully removed my handkerchief, checking if my bloody nose had stopped.

'Good…I take it you know what you're doing but you have to promise, you won't kill her,' Cristina smirked after regaining her composure. Derek turned to her in anger but as soon as he saw her frightened face, his expression turned into honesty and a hint of concern. 'I promise, I'll do the best I can Miss Yang.'

Biting my bottom lip, I wasn't really sure what to do. Telling Cristina the truth about Derek's presence was hard but I wanted…needed her trust, 'Perhaps, you should give me and Cristina a moment,' I suggested softly. Derek nodded but tenderly stroked my hair before he left the bathroom.

'Mer?'

I smiled and nodded. 'Well…yes, you may have noticed Derek's more than just my doctor. We're together!'

Cristina's eyes went wide and her mouth formed a perfect 'O' in surprise. I saw how she pondered the thought for a moment but then her mouth curled up in a smile, 'I'm happy if you are,' she whispered. For a long moment, we gazed at each other but then she got up and walked to the door, 'Promise me, you won't die?'

I smiled and nodded, 'I'll try.'

And then it was the day before the operation.

Derek had booked me for a cerebral angiography. 'It's not risk-free,' he reminded me softly when I signed the consent form. 'You might feel a bit dizzy and experience some headache when the dye goes in, but then you'll be fine.'

I rolled my eyes and sighed. 'You don't need to talk me through this. I've booked in at least fifty patients for these myself. I know how it works and I know the risks.'

Derek smiled and leaned over to kiss me. 'Miss Webber? You're definitely no patient material…much too smart.'

'Well, at least I'll be unconscious during the surgery so I won't be able to comment,' I grumbled. But deep in my heart, I was glad Derek came down to the X-ray department with me. He held my hand when the local anesthetic was put in and the catheter was threaded into my groin. The contrast dye was injected through the catheter and the radiographer took several X-rays.

And then, after a few hours, I was back in Derek's office together with my parents.

My dad wheeled my hospital bed against the wall so I could watch the scans. Derek smiled encouragingly when he pinned the films up against the light box to review them.

'Good news Meredith,' he said after a while. 'Your tumor hasn't grown and I'm almost sure I can remove it completely.'

'Which sort of incision are you doing?' My mom asked.

'Pterional incision…it's shorter and there's less trauma to the temporalis muscle, and the bone flap is smaller,' Derek explained professionally.

'Excellent,' my mom nodded approvingly. She turned to me and to my surprise, her eyes were a bit teary but she smiled through them. 'You should get some sleep honey. Tomorrow's a big day...' She paused but then leaned forward, kissing my forehead. '…You're gonna be fine. Derek's an excellent Neurosurgeon!'

I looked at my mom a bit overwhelmed by her tenderness and then nodded. She pushed her chair back when my dad leaned over me and stroked my hair, 'We'll see you tomorrow sweetie.'

…

But then, when I was alone with Derek in his office, a dam suddenly burst within me and tears started streaming down my face. My body shook with sobs I could no longer control because I was scared, petrified, realizing I could die tomorrow.

I needed to get away from here…needed to run…escape. I couldn't do this.

I jumped from the bed, uncaring that my gown had an open back. I ran to the door, my tears blinding my vision, but before I reached the door handle, Derek grabbed hold of my hand. I yelped and tried to pry his hand away but he was holding me tightly.

'Please…,' I whimpered. '…let go of me…I'm scared.'

'Shhh,' Derek soothed while he enveloped me in his arms, his scent washing over me. His fingers brushed my waist as his arms held me tighter to him. My face was pressed in the crook of his neck, smearing his skin with wet tears. I fisted his scrub shirt, uncertain of whether I was pushing him away…or pulling him even closer.

'Finally…,' he whispered. 'It's OK…just let it all out.'

I screamed and cried until my throat was raw while Derek held me close and rubbed soothing circles on my back. When my sobs finally turned into hiccups, I looked up at him. He smiled and tenderly brushed a few strands of hair from my face.

'Feeling better now?'

'I'm scared,' I whispered.

'I know, 'Derek soothed me while he wrapped his arms tighter around me, rocking me back and forth like a baby.

'I'm glad…,'I mumbled, my mind fading in and out of consciousness, '…you're my surgeon.' And when I slowly drifted off to sleep, I thought of the next day. Who would I be? A third-year resident or a cancer patient? Derek's fiancé…or the woman I wanted him to leave behind?

…

And then it was Friday…

The anesthesiologist came in my room to talk me through the risks of anesthesia and to make sure I hadn't eaten or drunk anything since midnight.

'Nothing since nine PM last night,' I assured him, signing his consent form.

'OK…miss Webber,' he nodded friendly. '…we'll see you in an hour.'

Derek's POV

I was scrubbing in when Richard and Ellis walked into the scrub room, dressed in their scrubs.

'Derek.' Ellis smiled at me, but I could see the strain in her face. 'Would you mind if Richard and I observed the operation?'

'Of course not.'

'It isn't that we don't trust you, Richard added quickly.

I smiled. 'I would've done the same if I were you. And I think it's better for Meredith that you're there.'

Richard smiled and encouragingly patted my shoulder. 'We're not going to comment,' he said. 'Just forget we're up there.'

Meredith was already under general anesthesia when I walked into the OR room, her head held in position by three pins.

This was gonna be the hardest operation of my career…but I had no other choice.

I took a deep breath and stepped towards the table. First I prepped the incision area and inserted a lumbar drain into Meredith's lower back.

'This takes out some of the cerebrospinal fluid and lets her brain relax during surgery,' I explained softly. 'I've put a local anesthesia into her skin to decrease bleeding—the scalp is known always to bleed profusely and it would interfere with my surgery.'

I knew that Ellis and Richard knew all the information I was sharing but since I was treating this as a teaching operation, I might as well go through the whole thing. Plus, it also helped me to get calmer, stay detached. I just had to remember not to look at Meredith's face.

'Ten blade please.' The scrub nurse handed me the blade and without further thought, I made the pterional incision. I exposed the skull, carefully lifted the skin flap and muscles off the bones and folded them back.

'Now that I can see what I'm doing, I'm making burr-holes into the scalp so I can cut out a window of bone.'

After the bur-holes, I lifted the flap and let in drop into a sterile bowl for later.

'OK, I'm opening the dura mater now. I'll fold it back to expose the brain, and then I'll use retractors to open up a corridor between brain and skull.'

As I started to work with the microscope, I felt I began to relax. I'd done this before and I knew what I was doing. Everything was going to be fine.

'I'm opening the corridor now and tracing the arteries to the tumor.' For a moment, I held my breath when I spotted the tumor but then my heart started beating a bit faster in my chest. It looked benign and I was certain, it had not invaded surrounding tissues.'

'Are her vitals OK,' I checked with the anesthesiologist. He nodded and for a single moment, I glanced up at the gallery, nodding to Meredith's parents.

'The meningioma is held tight by connective tissue, so I need to free it. I'm isolating it from the other structures in the brain.'

Everything was going according to plan and I worked swiftly but very accurate to remove the tumor completely but suddenly the high pitched beeping from the monitors sounded through the OR room.

'Her pressure's dropping…fast,' the anesthesiologist warned me. 'You need to get out of there Shep.'

My hand trembled and for a brief moment, I closed my eyes while the anesthesiologist's voice seemed to come from very far.

To be continued in the next chapter...

Please don't hate me for the ending ;-) I'll try to update as soon as possible!