A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews. So glad you enjoyed the last chapter! My coconspirator (Little Miss Nicap) and I are thrilled that you're enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Chapter 13

The room was dark except for a dimly lit bedside lamp. Emily surveyed the mess that was her hotel room; balled up tissues scattered across the bed and tables, an empty wine bottle on the counter next to a newly opened bottle of whiskey. She glanced over at her phone and saw the multiple missed calls and messages, some from Janet but mostly from Rachel. She couldn't bring herself to listen to or read them because she knew in that moment she wouldn't be able to respond. The only contact with the outside world she'd had since arriving two days ago was when she went to the liquor store down the street, and the few words exchanged with hotel staff. She walked over to the counter and picked up the whisky and carried it back to bed with her, taking a drink before setting it on the bedside table. She climbed into bed and pulled the shirt she was wearing tighter around her. It belonged to Rachel and was one of the items of clothing the blonde had left at her house. She took another swig from the bottle, the burn doing nothing to ease her pain. She picked up the piece of paper she had read repeatedly over the last twenty four hours and her tears began to flow. She didn't think she had anymore tears but obviously she did. Emily buried her head in the pillow as she continued to cry.

Rachel aimlessly wiped the kitchen counter down after the kids were down for nap time. It was the brief quiet time they all looked forward to in the middle of their day. It was now Thursday afternoon and the last time she had spoken to Emily was Sunday night when the brunette left to go home. She had called repeatedly, left numerous voicemails and text messages but still no answer. After work the day before she went to the local police station and inquired about filing a missing person's report. The detective she talked to was nice and she seemed concerned but she also pointed out that it appeared Emily had left on her own after Rachel told her what the neighbor had saw. As much as Rachel wanted to tell her she was a detective and knew how the system worked she also knew the other woman was right. The detective assured her she would keep in contact and that if she had any new information to let her know. When she arrived home she considered calling Tyler and asking if there was anything he could do, but decided against it feeling that the US Marshals had more important things to worry about than her girlfriend who had taken off. Now she was starting to wonder if maybe she was the problem. She hadn't slept hardly at all since Monday and the night before all she could think was that maybe telling Emily she loved her did scare her off. Even though Emily said the words back, and Rachel felt sure she meant them, she wondered if maybe it was too soon. Maybe she just needed some space to sort out her feelings. But it that was the case why wouldn't she call? Rachel was slowly driving herself crazy with worry and what ifs.

"Are you okay?" Ina asked as she entered the kitchen seeing the blonde alone. Something had changed in the younger woman in the last few days and she was beginning to worry about her. Rachel shook her head as she began to tear up. "Oh sweetheart, what's the matter?" the older woman said as she pulled Rachel into her arms.

"Emily's gone." She whispered as she allowed the woman to comfort her.

"What?! Where did she go?"

"I don't know." Rachel said as she then relayed the events from Monday and the last couple days.

"And the police aren't doing anything?"

"There's really nothing they can do at the moment. It appears that she left by her own free will."

"What about family? Is there anyone you can contact?"

"No. She doesn't really have any family to speak of, and the ones she does she's not close too." She pulled back and grabbed a paper towel and began wiping her tears "I told her I love her on Sunday." She said with a sad smile. "And she said she loves me too."

Ina smiled but her heart was breaking for the woman in front of her. "Oh Rachel that's wonderful."

"Yeah, I tell her I love her and she runs off the next day. So much for that, huh?" her mind replayed all the past failed relationships, things her mother had said to her over the years "Maybe it's me. Maybe she said it as a reaction to me saying it." then tears starting again "Maybe I'm just not loveable."

Based on how she said it Ina was certain Rachel had heard that at some point in her life. She grabbed a dry towel and began to dab at Rachel's tears while taking her hand with her free one. "Don't ever say that. Don't ever think that. You are a wonderful person Rachel and anyone would be lucky to be loved by you." she pointed to the other room where the kids were sleeping. "Those kids in there love you so much. All I heard last week when you were gone was 'Where's Rachel?' And while we're at it I love you Rachel. You are one of the kindest, most warm people I've ever had the privilege to know."

Rachel smiled as more tears escaped. Here was a woman she'd known barely six months and in that time she'd shown her more love and affection than her own mother ever did. "I love you too, you've been so good to me."

They were both quiet for a minute as the regained their composure "Why don't you come over and have dinner with my husband and I tonight?"

"Thank you, but no. I was gonna drive around a bit and see if I can find her. I did that yesterday and the day before. I checked a few motels but no luck. I just don't get it. Why would she just disappear like that?"

"I don't know darlin, I don't know."

That evening Rachel drove further out of the city and checked motels in some of the surrounding towns. It was killing her not knowing where Emily was, if she was okay, what had made her leave. When she returned home she collapsed on the couch and picked up her phone to call her again but decided against it. She was afraid that if she was the reason Emily left that her repeated phone calls and messages could driver her further away. She briefly considered calling Elliot or Fin and asking if they could run a check on Emily's credit cards but decided against it. She definitely didn't want to blow her cover and have to leave not knowing where Emily was.

Friday passed the same as the last few days. Rachel checked her phone constantly to see if there was any word but of course there wasn't. When she left work she stopped at Emily's house to see if there were any signs of her coming home but there were none. When she arrived home she collapsed on the couch and decided to rest for a bit before going back out to check a few more motels.

When Rachel woke she took a moment to allow her eyes to adjust to the darkness of her living room. She switched on a lamp and looked at her watch, it was almost eight. She kicked herself for falling asleep but she hadn't slept all week and it had caught up with her. She looked at the empty wine bottle on the coffee table from the evening before. She had always resisted drinking when upset or worried as she wanted to avoid her mother's tendencies but she couldn't help herself this week. At least she had stuck to wine and avoided harder alcohol. She was about to go to the kitchen for another when she remembered that was her last bottle. She grabbed her keys and purse and started toward the door. She could at least get a couple bottles to get her through the weekend. When she opened the door she gasped at the sight in front of her.

"Hi." Emily said quietly.

Rachel opened and closed her mouth a couple times trying and failing to form words. She blinked as she tried to figure out if she was still asleep and dreaming. "Em…Emily?"

Emily nodded "I was wondering if I could talk to you?"

Rachel couldn't quite get a grip on what was going on. She turned and went back inside leaving the door open. Emily took that as an invitation to come in and followed her inside. Rachel took a few deep breaths as she paced her living room and tried to calm down. On one hand she was so excited to see Emily and she appeared to be okay, on the other she was so upset that Emily had just casually showed up at her house as if nothing had happened. She looked back and noticed Emily looked a little more pale than usual and her eyes were red.

Emily glanced around the living room and noticed the mail piled on the table, the wine glass and empty bottle on the coffee table, and the box of tissues next to it.

"Sorry for the mess." Rachel said as she picked the blanket up from the couch and folded it then took the wine bottle and glass to the kitchen.

"I don't mind." Emily said as she took a seat in a chair and waited for Rachel to return.

Rachel stayed in the kitchen for a minute and took a few deep breaths as she tried to calm down. She had been going crazy with worry over the last few days as to where the brunette was, what she was doing, whether or not it was her fault that she left. Now Emily was sitting in her living room after showing up like it was any other day. If Emily wasn't concerned then why should she be? She walked back in and took a seat on the couch as she struggled not to cry. "So what are you up to this evening?"

Emily was taken a little off guard. While she hadn't expected everything to be sunshine and roses she definitely didn't expect the response she was getting. While she could tell the blonde was upset Rachel appeared almost aloof and uncaring. It made her wonder exactly how much damage had been done to their relationship. "Um…well, uh…" she closed her eyes and sighed "Maybe I should just go."

Now Rachel was angry. She wanted to explode, to yell, and to ask what was going on but she just couldn't. "Whatever you want. I mean you're free to come and go as you please." based on the look on Emily's face the words had stung, and as much as she hated to admit it that's what Rachel wanted.

"Right." Emily said as she walked to the door. She turned and her heart broke at the look of hurt on Rachel's face. "I do love you."

"Yeah." Then almost as an afterthought "Love you too."

Emily walked out and climbed into the car, hitting her head against the back of the seat as her tears began to fall "I blew it. I really blew it."

Saturday morning Rachel woke later than she normally did. Even though she rested a bit easier after seeing Emily her mind was still racing as to why she left. She had finally passed out at a little after three that morning. When she got up she saw that there were a few missed calls and messages from Emily. She started to return them but decided against it 'Let her see how it feels.' She thought to herself.

Emily sat curled in a blanket on her couch staring at the phone. She didn't know why she was expecting her girlfriend to answer. 'If I can even still call her that.' she wondered. She pulled the blanket tighter as it smelled like the blonde and helped comfort her.

As the day passed there were a few more calls from Emily and finally that afternoon Rachel decided to answer. "Hello?"

"Hey."

Rachel sighed as she tried to hold back the tears. "Hey."

"Look I know you're mad at me and I don't blame you, but I really want to talk to you."

"Emily…"

"Please." she pleaded. "Rachel I really want to talk to you about this. Would you come over this evening? I'll make dinner for us."

At that Rachel chuckled causing Emily to grin "You'll make dinner huh?" she was quiet for a minute before speaking "Okay."

When Rachel arrived at Emily's the greeting was awkward and a little cool. There were no hugs, kisses or playful flirting like there usually was. They both stood for a moment wondering what they should do before Emily spoke "I just need to check on dinner. Make yourself at home."

Rachel took a seat in one of the chairs opposite the couch and waited for Emily to return. She tried to gather her thoughts and figure out what she wanted to say before Emily returned.

Emily took a seat on the couch and sighed "So…I'm sure you've got some questions."

"What the hell Emily? You just up and disappear with no warning, no nothing and then you show up on my doorstep like nothing happened. So yeah, I've got questions. One actually. Why?"

"It wasn't you Rachel, I promise."

"What was I supposed to think it was? I tell you I'm in love with you and the next day you disappear. So what was it?"

Emily grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her eyes as she could already feel the tears beginning. "I um…got a call Monday morning." She wiped her eyes again as she couldn't hold the tears back now "A woman I was very close to, she was…she was like a mother to me. She passed away unexpectedly." As the words left her mouth she broke down.

Rachel was out of her seat and next to the brunette in a heartbeat. While there was still a part of her that was angry that Emily hadn't called and let her know she was okay, her heart was breaking for her girlfriend. "Oh baby, I am so sorry." She said as she pulled Emily to her and held her close. She knew Emily had lost her mother when she was younger and to now lose the woman who was like a mother to her had to be unbearable. "Is that where you were?"

Emily nodded as she cleared her throat and went over her story in her head before speaking "I got the call and just threw some stuff in a bag and left. I went for the services. I'm sorry I didn't call you first but I was so upset."

"I understand but I would've been there for you. I would've come to you."

"I know and I'm sorry. I just…I just wanted to be alone. Do you understand?"

It still hurt that Emily didn't call her but Rachel understood. "I do. If something happens again though let me know. I'd do anything for you."

"I love you." Emily said as she leaned in for a light kiss. She then pulled back and rested her head on Rachel's shoulder.

Rachel settled back against the couch and began running her fingers through the brunette's hair "I love you too."

They sat in silence for a bit as they both replayed the last few days. Emily cried a few more times and Rachel would soothe her and hold her tight. Rachel felt bad for the way she treated Emily the night before now that she knew she had lost someone close to her but at the same time she was still slightly hurt that Emily hadn't called her. Everyone processed grief in their own way, maybe Emily did just need to be alone. She thought back to when her own mom died and how after the initial shock wore off she just wanted to work. She remembered coming into work after the funeral and the captain trying to send her home. Being home alone was the last thing she wanted, but maybe for Emily being alone was her way of coping. She looked down when she felt Emily starting to sit up. Rachel took Emily's hands in her own "I'm sorry for the way I acted last night and earlier."

"Don't apologize."

"No, I want to. I acted like I didn't care last night and that's not true. I care, a lot. I was scared and worried that something had happened or that it was because of me that you left. I'm just not used to feeling this way about someone. I'm not used to loving someone this much." She knew she was in love with Emily before this, but after the last few days it confirmed exactly how much she was in love with her.

"Apology accepted. I'm not used to being in a relationship like this either. I think we both have some learning to do." she then smiled, she was pretty sure it was the first time she'd smiled in almost a week. "And there's no one I'd rather learn it with than you."

Once Emily had settled down they moved to the kitchen for dinner. It was nothing fancy, just casserole and salad but Rachel voiced how impressed she was with how Emily's cooking skills were improving. "Are you up for dessert?" Emily asked as she began clearing the table.

"I think I could be convinced." Rachel said as she helped clean up.

Emily smiled "She always made bananas foster French toast for dessert. It was delicious!" she sighed "I'd love to try and make it for you." As she gathered the ingredients Rachel began making the French toast. Emily's mood was improving and Rachel was glad to see it. "She also used to make this and put it on pancakes. Talk about amazing, you would start your day with a sugar high!" Rachel had just taken the French toast from the pan and Emily grabbed the bottle of rum to finish off the desert. She poured it into the pan and began stirring. Just as she was about to move the pan from the burner Emily burnt her hand, dropping the pan back onto the stove top. As it hit the surface it tipped causing some liquid to spill out. In a split second a flame shot up from the alcohol in the pan hitting the burner. Emily froze but Rachel was already in motion, grabbing a lid and dropping it onto the flame putting it out.

Rachel took Emily's hand and pulled her to the sink and began running cool water over the burn. "It's not too bad." She dried her hand and lightly kissed it. She looked up expecting a grin or even an incredulous look, what she wasn't expecting was tears. "Does it hurt that bad?"

"She's gone and I can't even do something to remember her by!" Emily cried as she dropped her head to Rachel's shoulder.

"Come on." Rachel said as she began walking toward the stairs taking Emily with her. "You need to relax." Once upstairs she ran a bath and lit a few candles. She undressed the brunette and helped her into the tub. "Just relax for a bit and I'll clean up downstairs." She couldn't imagine what Emily was feeling. Yes she had been hurt and upset when Serena died but at the same time they hadn't been very close. She didn't understand what it felt like to lose someone she was very close too.

Emily had just stepped from the tub and was drying off when Rachel walked back into the room. The brunette wrapped her towel around her body and stepped into her bedroom. She smiled at the grin that was on Rachel's face "I take it you like what you see."

"Yes ma'am."

Emily wrapped her arms around the blonde "Thank you."

"For what?" Rachel asked as she held her tight.

"For being you. I'm sorry for the way I treated you this past week by not letting you know where I was or that I was okay."

"No apology necessary. I'm sorry for the way I acted last night when you came over to apologize."

Emily kissed her quickly "No apology necessary." She walked over to the dresser and pulled out a shirt and shorts to sleep in. "Are you staying tonight?" she placed her hand on the drawer where Rachel kept some clothes.

"I'd love to."

In the early morning hours Emily lay awake while Rachel slept soundly next to her. It was a little after two and she had hardly slept even with Rachel holding her. She quietly reached over and slid open the top drawer of her bedside table and pulled out a piece of paper. She turned the lamp onto the lowest setting and felt new tears begin as she stared at the paper in her hand. After receiving the phone call on Monday morning she'd jumped into the car and drove finally stopping a couple hours away and checking into a motel. When she took a seat in front of a computer in the motel's business center the next day she knew what she was doing was wrong but she didn't care. She did the one thing the Marshals had told her not to, seeking out information on her previous life. Emily now stared at the crumpled, tear stained paper in her hand, a printout from the Irvington Gazette. She felt her the pain in her chest return as she read the first few lines again, not that she'd ever forget them. 'Danielle Elizabeth Cabot, loving wife and mother, left this world unexpectedly on Sunday night.' It didn't matter how many times she read that line it hurt just as much as when Kelly, the Marshal handling her case, called her. A sudden and massive heart attack she said. Her Mom had always been so healthy and active, granted she wasn't a health nut but she stayed in shape. She'd never heard of heart disease in their family so that made her death even more of a shock. She hated that her Mom left this world thinking she was dead, that she never got to tell her goodbye or that she loved her one last time. She was also worried about her Dad, in less than a year he had lost his daughter and now his wife, he was now alone. She had debated calling him, to let him know she was alive but knew if she did she wouldn't be able to see him and on top of it she would be moved and she would lose Rachel. She'd just lost her Mom she couldn't lose her girlfriend as well. When she felt Rachel stirring next to her she quickly put the obituary back in the drawer and turned the light off. She settled down and pretended to be asleep but could tell by Rachel's movements she was still asleep as well.

Emily sighed when she felt Rachel wrap her arm around her and pull her close. "Emily." Rachel whispered in her sleep. She reached down and laced her fingers with Rachel's as their hands rested on her stomach. She loved when Rachel would whisper her name at night. She wondered what it would be like to hear her whisper 'Alex'. As she closed her eyes Emily hoped that one day she'd get that chance. She snuggled back into Rachel's embrace, grateful for the blonde and that she at least had someone and she wouldn't have to grieve alone.