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Regina was still reeling hours later from her picnic-turned-outdoor tryst with David earlier. She'd avoided contact with everyone, needing space to sort through her panicked thoughts. Without thinking she had transported herself from David's lap and into her Mifflin Street mansion, not being able to do anything but bolt at the time. Her mayoral manor was the only place she felt she could truly be alone; most of her family resided in her castle or nearby and it was not the place she could be if she wanted solace.
She had tried to busy herself with paperwork but had been unable to truly focus on it. Reading had been a failed attempt and she couldn't bring herself to turn on the television for she knew it would be the same result. Her mind wouldn't allow her to quit over-analyzing her day with David, reflecting on every detail replaying like a broken movie reel. Anxiety coursed throughout her body, driving her to snap a glass of bourbon into existence and sit down on the sofa to prevent pacing holes in the wood floors.
How could she of let herself become so out of control when it came to this man? Not even a day before their afternoon, she had convinced herself she was shutting down her feelings for him. She thought she had started to accept the fact that this was not something she should pursue. Her mistake had been allowing him to continue his pursuit of her after his declaration at the wedding. It was something she should have squelched before their dance was even over. She had just been so goddamn taken by seeing the old David again that she was curious how determined he was. And boy did she find out.
Feeling out of control was something that she hated more than anything. Control was how she had functioned for years. When she was younger it was riding horses that made her feel she still had some reign over her life while under the thumb of her mother. During her Evil Queen years she manipulated people and situations because she was emotionally out of control. When her years as Mayor finally came she had managed to arrange things the way she wanted them, playing puppeteer over her town, making her content as she could be at the time.
She initially blamed her reaction at sleeping with David on her utter disdain for losing her faculties. That had to of been it. Why else would the simple action of having sex, with David Nolan of all people, shake her emotionally? They were consenting adults, free of commitment to anyone else, and there was nothing wrong with it. Yet thinking about how she acted made her feel ashamed in a way she never had before and that confused her even more. It was satisfying sex, but the aftermath left her feeling almost embarrassed. She felt like she did when she was the Evil Queen, summoning the Hunstman to bed or whatever guard she had her eye on at the time.
Her life had changed greatly since that time but casual sex was still just that. She had never punished herself for giving into her sexual needs before. Why was unplanned sex with David such a big deal? She felt a gnawing in her stomach that she tried to will away. It nagged at her in a way that told her she knew why this tie with David felt different. Dread clawed at her insides as she debated whether or not she was going to be honest with herself about the situation.
An aggravated growl escaped her throat and she lifted her glass up, downing the rest of her bourbon before making it refill again. She stared blankly at the fireplace as she felt the liquid hit her stomach and burn just slightly as the alcohol entered her bloodstream. It had been foolish to think that just because she was crowned the Good Queen and lived a life free of the darkness she once had that suddenly all of her past demons would evaporate. She managed so far to keep them at bay as nothing in her day-to-day life triggered them anymore. The United Realms had known peace and so had her personal life up until this moment.
Giving into David so quickly, feeling guilty because of it, bolting as soon as it was over - it meant something. It wasn't because she had indulged herself sexually. It wasn't because she had lost control. It was the fact that he had the ability to look at her in a way that made her lose her judgment. She wanted him so much that she ignored all logic and reasoning. She quieted every thought inside of her that screamed it was a bad idea to jump into a sexual relationship with him because she craved him. He had power over her.
Regina ruled her life by her logic because she knew her emotions could overwhelm her if she let them. She'd learned during her time as a ruler that it paid to always think one step ahead of everyone else, especially those that could hurt her. There wasn't an outcome to anything she hadn't considered, no matter the situation. She learned her lesson the hard way what happened when she allowed others to control her destiny or affect her emotions. Because of it she had closely guarded herself, keeping most at a distance that was of no threat to her. Cora's mantra of "love is weakness" still haunted her, no matter how much she hated it.
There were only a select few people in Regina's life that had ever had the ability to make her ignore reason and succumb to her feelings like David had. The first had been Daniel and her relationship with him was the catalyst for the dark years that came after. The heartbreak of losing him caused her to isolate herself emotionally and become an expert at building walls. She had spent years closed off to anyone until she adopted Henry, who soon became the one who ruled her heart. It wasn't until Robin that she entertained the idea of letting anyone else in and even that had been a slow, difficult process.
Aside from her son, the people she had truly let in had only caused her pain. Daniel's death had ruined her and turned her into someone she didn't even recognize. She was still working to heal the damage she'd done during those years. Her second attempt at having a partner of her own had ended just as tragically. Losing Robin felt like a punishment for all of the terrible things she'd done since Daniel and no matter how hard she tried not to, she blamed herself for putting him in danger.
Regina swirled the drink in her glass and bit down on her bottom lip, trying anything to distract herself from the pressure in her chest. It could only mean one thing that David Nolan had the same power over her that Daniel and Robin did. She loved him.
Yes, she had loved him like family for years now, but this, this was different. She loved him, but now she was falling in love with him. Having sex with him had made her feel ashamed because deep down she had wanted her first time with him to be special, not a heated spur-of-the-moment romp. She had never really had the traditional build up to intimacy with someone; getting to know someone and letting feelings grow before added sex to the mix. Her past experiences had either been casual sex or heated moments. Even with Robin they had been sneaking around behind his wife's back and life after that held little time for dating.
Charming awakened something inside of her that made her ignore reason and act on impulse. She hadn't allowed herself to behave so freely since she was just a girl with Daniel, falling for the first time. Her response to David only proved that he was someone she was capable of falling madly for and it terrified her like nothing had in a very long time.
She thought that she had evolved to the point that Cora's influence held no power over her, but she couldn't shake the feeling of disgust at the the thought of being vulnerable again. Vulnerable in the way required to truly fall in love with someone and have a partner. Vulnerable in the way she had allowed herself to be when she and David discussed their pasts and losses. Vulnerable in the way of giving herself to him so freely and allowing him to pleasure her.
Her past was behind her, Cora was gone, and Regina had grown so much since she'd made peace with herself, but the darkness found it's way back. In the way she had bolted from David earlier, in the way she had secluded herself and in how she tried to ignore for fear that history might repeat itself. Her heart pounded in her ears as she faced the harsh truth and tried to figure out what to do with it.
Should she play it safe - keep her life the way it was before she had entertained the idea of David Nolan? She was content enough before this had started with running the realms and spending time with her family. It was a safe option with less heartbreak. She wouldn't have to constantly worry when he would leave or how he would be taken from her. Then again, had her past taught her nothing? Should she take a chance at having someone of her own who claimed to want to be with her?
"I've been looking for you everywhere!" David's voice startled her so much she dropped her glass of wine on the carpet, looking up with wide eyes at the sudden intrusion. The sleeves of his flannel were bunched up his forearms and his hair was disheveled, looking as if he'd dressed in a hurry. He was a little winded, likely having run from his truck up the path and steps to her door.
"What were you thinking, leaving like that?" A frown creased his brow and he stood in the archway before taking a few steps in. "Speak to me, Regina!" His eyes widened and he snapped, clearly at the end of his rope after his search for her.
"I was thinking I needed time to think!" She snapped back at his tone before she could help it, feeling on edge as she looked up at him from her seat on the sofa. His sudden interruption when she had been in such a critical thought process felt like she had been ripped from the womb, suddenly forced to face reality. "What are you doing here?" She clenched her jaw slightly, the words coming out defensively.
"What am I doing here-" He sputtered and looked at her in disbelief, a hint of anger in his expression, "Are you serious? Regina, my god, you just up and left! Without a word, after -" He motioned with his hands between them, "Do you have any idea the thoughts that have been running through my mind?!"
"No but I'm sure you're going to enlighten me," She snarled and stood from the sofa, moving past him to walk across the foyer into the kitchen. She was running away again, but it didn't even feel like a conscious effort. Her feet seemed to be taking her before her brain even told them to.
"Regina, don't walk away from me," David said firmly but she kept her back to him and made her way into the kitchen. She only turned back to face him after grabbing a bottle of wine from the wine rack and a glass for herself. The look on his face made it hard for her to continue to be defiant. It wasn't her intent to hurt him but she couldn't seem to stop lashing out when she felt she was backed into a corner.
David seemed to go through a series of emotions. Frustration flickered across his features, maybe a hint of anger, confusion and then what appeared to be pain before he finally spoke again.
"Regina, did I...take advantage? Did I do something wrong?" He asked hesitantly, as if he were scared she would tell him yes. He frowned and ran a hand over the back of his neck, looking away from her slightly, "I know it was...sudden and you, you deserve better than that. It wasn't my intent, I really did just want to have an afternoon with you I didn't take you there to-"
"Oh so this is my fault?" Her guilt and shame crept up in her again and the words came out before she could stifle them, "Because you certainly were a willing participant."
"Of course I was, I didn't mean it was your fault-" He frowned at her as if he were bewildered by her sudden bite, "I'm just telling you it wasn't my intent to sleep with you today! And I'm sorry if I crossed a line-"
"Are you saying you regret it now?" Regina raised a brow, feeling the need to antagonize him. Her inner darkness knew that if she picked a fight with him and ruined this now, she could likely save herself a lot of heartbreak.
"Are you testing me?" David clocked her with an intent look, seemingly looking right through her at this point. He was more perceptive than she gave him credit for.
"What are you talking about?" She scoffed and averted her gaze to pour herself the glass of wine. She didn't need anymore to drink, but it was something to focus on and avoid the heat of his stare.
"You're pushing me away to see how much I'll take," David looked at her, seeming confident in what he was saying now. She rolled her eyes at how smug he must feel to think he had her figured out. It only ate away at her more, made her want to be nastier. The emotional turmoil inside of her twisted and bubbled and her self destructiveness seeped out, giving him no good option. If he kept pushing her while she felt so unsteady she was only going to respond venomously. If he walked away then he only validated her fear and gave her a reason to blame him even though she was the one that sabotaged it.
"Don't flatter yourself," She frowned and took a sip of her wine, "What do you want from me David?"
"I want you to talk to me! We've been playing this childish back and forth for months now and I get that it's mostly my fault, but I thought we had made headway-" David threw up his hands and shook his head from his spot at the opposite side of the kitchen island, "And now you just clam up on me and run away!"
"I could see where you'd get confused, running away is typically your move in this mess between us," She gave a simple shrug and looked up at him, schooling her expression. He was pushing her further and further into a corner by demanding that she speak to him about what had happened when she hadn't even finished processing it herself. His mere presence made her feel like she was suffocating.
His face dropped slightly and he frowned, nodding once, "I know I deserve that...I've been in and out of this, I've been a mess-"
"That's the understatement of the year," She retorted and immediately hated herself for the way he looked like he'd been punched in the gut by her words. It was working and she knew she had to keep going if she really wanted to push him. "You turned your back on the community, you were constantly horrible to me and everyone who tried to take care of you, you abandoned your kids and now you want to blame me because you got hung up on your feelings after a simple fuck?! I'm not your wife, David."
He physically recoiled, taking a step back as he looked at her and shook his head in disbelief as he processed, "Has this all been an act? Have you even changed at all?" He looked at her like he was seeing the Evil Queen all over again and it made her stomach sink.
"Looks like you've seen a ghost," She smiled fakely at him, her insides churning with the way he was looking at her, "You think because my evil counterpart is outside of me now that I don't still have darkness? You think that suddenly now that I've been crowned the 'Good Queen' that I'm as pure as your Mary Margaret?" She shook her head bitterly, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I'm nothing like her and I never will be. At least you're dodging a bullet and finding it out now, yeah?"
"Regina," David shook his head as if he didn't want to believe what he was hearing, confusion marring his features, "This isn't you anymore, you don't have to do this. I know I've given you some reasons to resent me but I'm trying here - I didn't mean to overstep today and I know it's triggered something in you but I'm just trying to figure out what it is-"
She was reeling now, getting angrier that he kept trying and fighting to get her to speak to him. Her self loathing grew exponentially by the minute and with each rebuttal he made, seeing the care in his expression. It wasn't something she deserved. "My god, Charming! Just because I showed you a little kindness when Snow died doesn't mean I want to be with you."
"What are you talking about?! I didn't just make these past months up, Regina-" David shook his head in bewilderment, "You wanted this just as much as I did!"
"When did I ever say that?" She gave an exasperated laugh, her eyes widening at the accusation, "Look we both know this isn't going to work, David. You'll never be over your dead wife and you're just looking to fill the void-"
"Don't you dare try to turn this around and blame it on Snow!" David snapped, angry now, "You're just looking for reasons to run away from this!"
"I'm looking at this logically!" She yelled back at him now, hands pressed against the counter top of the kitchen island between them, "We don't work, David! Today was a mistake, this whole thing has been a mistake. I'm sorry, but whatever feelings you think you have for me aren't reciprocated. I thought it was clear that we were just two adults filling a void for one another-"
"That's bullshit and you know it!" He glared at her now and she knew she was filling his head with doubts. It physically pained her but she couldn't stop herself. Soon he would walk away and her heart would be safe again. "What are you so afraid of? It's like you're a different person right now, what's going on in your head? Just talk to me!"
"I don't want to talk to you, David!" She laughed bitterly, "I promised Snow I would get you through the grief and I have. I took pity on you and what a mess you were, but I can't keep holding your hand through everything."
"Took pity on me, huh?" David's face was expressionless now and he nodded once, seeming to be internally debating if he should keep fighting or leave. She had hurt his feelings and his pride at this point.
"It's getting late," Regina felt her throat swelling with emotion and desperately wanted him to leave before she broke down, "Neal will be expecting his bedtime story. You've missed enough of those already, don't you think?" The words felt like acid on her tongue.
"Yeah, you're right," He responded numbly and a stabbing pain slivered through her chest with the knowledge that she had finally pushed him too far. He would be done with her now but instead of the relief she expected to feel, it was only soul crushing pain. She couldn't speak for swallowing the knot in her throat as she watched him turn for the door.
David looked out at the road ahead as he drove the winding highway towards Storybrooke with Neal in the passenger seat, absorbed in a game on his phone. He glanced up in the rear-view mirror to make sure their suitcases and belongings in the truck bed were all staying put how he'd packed them. They appeared to be secure enough so he returned his gaze ahead and allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts during the quiet ride.
It had been a week and Regina hadn't returned to the castle. She'd informed the rest of the family that she was working in Storybrooke and would be staying at her mansion for a few days. They didn't seem to question it and only he knew the truth. He was torn on how to handle it for he still didn't know what had happened between them and what the proper response would be.
He had waited for her to come home, hoping that she would be calmer and maybe they could have a normal conversation. Things between he and Regina had a history of turning volatile, even before the added tension of whatever was happening between them. His doubts grew when she didn't return and he began to realize that he was likely the reason. She wasn't coming back to her home at the castle because he was there.
The hardest part of his decision had been trying to act casual and happy about the move to the rest of the family, as if it hadn't stemmed from something horrible. He didn't want anyone to connect it with things between he and Regina, knowing it would only make the situation worse. The one thing for certain was that he couldn't stay. He didn't want to be the reason she felt she couldn't come to her own home and his pride wouldn't allow him to remain there unwanted.
On the bright side, Neal was excited to move back to the Charming farmhouse they'd occupied briefly with his mother before moving to the castle. It was an adventure to his son and probably the best thing for both of them. They could have some normalcy there and David could focus on being a good father again. Not to mention they'd be closer to Emma's house and spending time together as a family would be easier now.
Regina's rejection seemed to hurt more with each passing day. He hadn't heard from her and he was starting to feel pathetic for even thinking about it as much as he did. In the beginning he hadn't been angry at her, convinced she was testing him to see if he would walk away. He knew she was bound to have issues from her past that clouded her judgement, but the things she said became so personal. Day after day, they played on a loop in the back of his mind, slowly turning his hurt into bitterness.
He expected he only had himself to blame for jumping into something, like sex, that their fragile relationship wasn't ready for. She had still needed him to prove himself to her and didn't fully trust him at the time. It sent her spinning and he knew it could be overwhelming, but he didn't understand her reaction. He hadn't been with anyone other than Snow in years and knew it wasn't something to be taken lightly, yet he'd never imagine acting that way towards Regina over it. That's why he tried to talk to her and find out what she was thinking, but the more he pushed the subject the harder she ran.
The more time passed the deeper he got into his own head about the situation. His doubts and insecurities clouded his judgement to the point he actually started to question if he had read more into this thing between them than there actually was. Regina had been kind and caring to him because she had promised Snow she'd look out for him. It was possible that he had been lonely and wishing for more from Regina than what was reciprocated. Maybe she had pitied him and didn't know how to shut him down when he pursued her. Did she even want to have sex with him or had she felt obligated? Is that why she was so angry with him afterwards?
He shook his head of those thoughts as he pulled the truck up into the driveway at the farmhouse and took a deep breath. Being back here was going to take some getting used to. It was exactly the same as he and Snow had left it and the last time he'd been here his wife had been alive and his son had been much smaller.
"We're here!" Neal proclaimed, looking up from David's phone in his small hands when he felt the vehicle halt motion.
"Yeah buddy, now we get to unpack," David forced a smile as he unbuckled his seat-belt and shoved the safety brake in with his boot. "Sit tight," He nodded and got out of the drivers side, rounding the truck and pulling open his son's door to help him down.
"Can we get a horse?" Neal asked as he jumped down out of the passenger side and ran to the tailgate, waiting for David to come open it.
"A horse?" He raised an eyebrow at his son's sudden interest as he made his way down the bed of the truck.
"A farm has all kinds of animals!" Neal said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "And we'll need more than one horse because Regina will want to ride, too," Neal nodded quickly, "When is she coming to visit?"
David felt like he'd taken a slugger to the chest as his son looked up at him awaiting his answer, "Uh, I'm not sure buddy. We'll have to get unpacked and settled in before we have company," He nodded, not wanting to give Neal false hope.
His son's question brought home the fact that it wasn't just he and Regina to consider. Despite their relationship, they needed to be cordial for Neal. Regina had been like a surrogate mother to him and he wouldn't have that relationship ruined because he and Regina couldn't get along. For now, he'd let the dust settle and hopefully she would reach to Neal. If not, they were going to have to have a conversation.