Thanks to Jenjoremy for beta'ing this. Also thanks to SandraEngstrom2 and Gredelina1 for all their help.

Chapter Thirteen

'He's been imprisoned since the dawn of time. Gadreel was the sentry who allowed Lucifer into the garden.'

As fast as Sam was pushed back, he was pulled forward again. One moment he was in the bunker, shouting to be out and wondering what was happening to his body, and the next he was shoved forward to awareness again. There was pain and confusion and sticky wetness coating his arm but what caught his attention was the woman on the ground in front of him.

He dropped to his knees, blood soaking through his jeans, and searched her for a sign of life. There were none, and he knew she was gone the moment he looked at her properly. There was a deep gash in her throat and she was slick with blood. Her blue eyes were open, wide and staring and empty. Sam brushed a hand over her face, closing her eyes. She was pretty, with wavy blonde hair. Standing up she wouldn't have come to his shoulder. She was young. Sam guessed around eighteen or nineteen, an adult by law alone. Her arms were sprawled at her sides, and Sam picked up her right hand and held it. He didn't know what he was feeling, other than immense sadness at the way she had died and the fact it had been his hands that had done it. She was an angel, he could see the traces of ashy wings on the ground, but that didn't necessarily make her bad. And her vessel, she was sweet and innocent looking, pure almost. She should never have been dragged into this fight.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

A flashlight played upon him and Sam's head snapped up. Someone was coming, jogging towards him.

"Sam?" a familiar voice called.

Sam lurched to his feet and took off running. He stumbled at first as lightheadedness swept through him, but he felt a surge of something, grace or adrenaline, and he pushed himself on.

He heard Jody calling to him as he fled, but he didn't, couldn't, stop. He didn't know what Gadreel would do if they were caught, but he didn't want to risk Jody's life because of him.

When he got to the bike, he threw his leg over and gunned the engine in quick succession. He roared away from the sidewalk and set out blindly, not knowing where to go but knowing he had to flee.

He was just on the Iowa state border when he stopped again at a Gas-n-Sip. It was an old place, and the restroom was located in the back, so he parked the bike at the side. He grabbed a clean shirt from the duffel, silently thanking the fates that it was a mild night and he'd not been wearing his jacket. The restroom door was locked, as he had suspected it would be, but with a few twists of his lockpick, the cheap mechanism clicked open, and he slid inside.

The blood had soaked through his sleeve, and it squelched against his skin as he pulled it off. He doused the clean side in water from the faucet and used it to mop up his arm. When the blood was gone, he got a look at the skin beneath. There was a red line, but it looked weeks old, almost completely gone to scar rather than wound.

"Thanks," he muttered.

'That is why I am here," Gadreel replied.

"Yeah," Sam said. "What about dumping me into consciousness next to your kill? Is that why you're here?"

'I am… sorry for that. I was overwhelmed.'

Sam scoffed. "You were overwhelmed by one kill? What kind of angel are you?"

'It was my first.'

Sam stared at his reflection in the grimy mirror above the basin. He looked as stunned as he felt.

"What do you mean it was your first?"

'Not here. Finish cleaning yourself up and then take us somewhere safe. We can talk then.'

"How do I know you're not just going to stuff me back in the bunker as soon as we're somewhere safe?"

'You will have to trust me, Sam.'

Sam sighed and pulled on his clean shirt, balling up the damp and dirty one. He went outside again and dropped the ruined shirt into a trashcan.

"Fine, but I want answers."

'And I will give them to you. It has been a long time for me.'

"A long time since what?"

'Since someone wanted to hear my story.'

They were in a mom and pop motel in Rock Rapid, Iowa before Sam was satisfied they were far enough from Sioux Falls for Jody to give up looking for them, if she even had. He knew that Dean would know that she had seen him by now, and he would know about the angel being killed. What would he think? Would be blame Sam or Gadreel? Would he even care? Dean hated most angels on principal. Still, he wasn't hunting them for sport. Not that Sam and Gadreel had been either. That angel had happened upon them, or they had happened upon it, Sam wasn't sure which. However it had happened, an angel had been killed at Sam's hands, and surely Castiel at least would care about that.

Sam let them into the room they'd paid for and slid the chain across behind him. He dropped his duffel down on the end of the bed and then sat on the rickety chair set in front of the small TV.

"So… uh… you ready to talk?" he asked.

Gadreel did not respond in words, but Sam felt himself being tugged back into his mind. Instead of arriving in the bunker, Sam was in a park exactly like the one they'd recently left, only it was lit by the sun now rather than the moon. It was a nice change from the empty bunker, but Sam felt exposed.

"I thought you would prefer this," Gadreel said, and Sam turned to see him walking towards him across the grass. "Shall we sit?"

A bench appeared behind them and Sam sat down. He rested his palms on his knees and looked at Gadreel. "You said you were going to explain," he said, making it sound like an accusation.

"I will," Gadreel said heavily. "I want to, I just…it's hard to know where to start."

"Start with the dead angel. Why did she attack us?"

Gadreel looked away. "She didn't. She wasn't even aware that we were there until it was too late. She was so lost in the place that she missed the signs."

"Then why is she dead?" Sam asked.

"Because it was us or her, and I chose us. I told you, Sam, that we were marked men. It was better that I attack first than allow her to gain the upper-hand."

"But why would she attack at all? Who are you, and why are the angels hunting you?"

Gadreel sighed. "I told you once that was a story for another time."

"This is another time," Sam said. "C'mon, you've got my whole head to sift through. Every memory, every thought. You know me more completely than anyone does, so give me something in return. Tell me who you are."

Gadreel was silent for a long time, so long Sam was almost sure he wasn't going to answer, and then he spoke, sounding as though every word cost him something. "Close your eyes, Sam, just for a moment."

Sam did as he was bidden, waiting impatiently with his hands clasped between his knees.

"Now stand and see."

Sam opened his eyes and gasped. Falls Park had been replaced by… It had to be Heaven. It had to be the angels' own place in Heaven. Nowhere on Earth was this perfect. He was in an endless meadow of long grass that rippled in the slight breeze. The air was fresh and clean, and had, Sam was sure, never been touched by exhaust fumes or chemicals of any sort. He wanted to hold his breath to keep himself from tainting the place.

"It's beautiful," he whispered.

Gadreel nodded. "It is not Heaven, though, Sam. This is the Earth as it was when I first knew it." He seemed to steel himself. "Now, turn around."

Sam did and the breath he had been reluctant to expel left him in a rush. He had thought the meadow was beautiful, but it was nothing compared to this place. A ring of trees bordered it, oak, ash, palm and fir. Trees that should never share a climate were gathered together and flourishing. The air was not too warm or too cool, it just was, a soft play on his face, making his skin tingle. The scent was heady but not overwhelming, flowers and green leaves and freshness combined. Somewhere nearby there was water rushing, creating a babble that sounded like a song. There was more noise, soft laughter and voices.

Sam looked around for the source of the sound, wanting to see, but there was no one.

"You will not see them," Gadreel said regretfully. "They are not for your eyes, and this is just a memory."

"A memory of what?" Sam asked. "Is this Heaven? 'Cause if it is, I'm filing a complaint. What was the deal with showing us the bargain basement version of memories when this was on offer?"

"This is not Heaven," Gadreel said. "This is the Garden of Eden, or rather my memory of it."

Sam dragged his eyes reluctantly from the vision in front of him and turned to the angel. "This is incredible."

"Yes." A flash of pain crossed Gadreel's face. "It truly was."

Sam could feel the garden drawing his eyes again, but he forced himself to keep looking at Gadreel. "Why are you showing me this?"

"Because this is where it started and ended for me. Have you seen enough?"

Sam didn't think he would ever be able to see enough, but he nodded and looked back at the meadow.

"My name is Gadreel, and I was the sentry for the Garden Eden."

Sam exhaled slowly. "Wow. VIP Angel. That's, uh, wow."

Gadreel smiled slightly, sadly. "I was a VIP. I was one of God's brightest, and as such I was given the task of protecting his greatest creation. For a long time I stood guard here, protecting them and keeping evil from entering, but as you have seen, it is hard to keep your wits when faced with that level of perfection."

Sam stayed silent, even though his mind was reeling.

"I spent a long time looking out at the meadow, always alert for anything that would threaten Adam and Eve, but nothing came. Time had no meaning to us, and together we enjoyed God's creation. They had the garden and I had the meadow. And then they started to speak. I would hear their voices and their laughter, and I coveted what they had. I was accustomed to spending my time among a multitude of angels and God Himself. I was alone, and I struggled. One…I suppose you would call it a day… I was tempted too far. I turned from the meadow and saw the garden for the first time. That was my failure. I was entranced, Sam. I had never imagined such beauty; I couldn't look away. I told myself that it was okay; I was still doing my duty, just in a different way. Surely I could observe better by looking in."

"But…" Sam cleared his throat. "Lucifer got in, didn't he?"

Gadreel bowed his head. "I was lax in my duty. I spent too long looking in at them, and I didn't see him coming. The next thing I knew, the serpent was there with Eve and the fruit had been tasted. I tried to stop her, I swear I tried, but it was too late."

Sam looked out at the meadow. Though it was beautiful, he could feel the pull of the garden at his back, drawing him in. He wanted to look again, just to catch another glimpse. He could easily understand why Gadreel had failed.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I know you are aware of the punishment for Adam and Eve. My own punishment was very different. You know, there wasn't even a prison within Heaven before my failure. There was no need of one. I was the first to fail and not fall. Prison was created for me, and for a long time I was the only occupant."

"You were locked away?" Sam asked. "But…"

"Mine was a terrible crime, Sam," Gadreel said.

"You made a mistake. You couldn't know what would happen."

Gadreel smiled. "And yet I did it anyway. You of all people should understand. You did not know what would happen when you killed Lilith, and yet you still carry the guilt of that now. Perhaps it is not as potent as it once was, you have paid some of your debt during your time in Hell, but in those moments that you are alone, or are faced with the result of your actions, such as when you met that young hunter, Tracy, you feel immeasurable guilt. Can you not understand why I might feel the same?"

Sam shook his head dolefully. "So, God put you in jail. For how long?"

Gadreel looked pained. "I was expelled from Heaven with the other angels by Metatron's spell. I was never granted reprieve."

Sam's eyes widened. "You're telling me you were in prison from the time of Adam and Eve till six months ago? That's just… unbelievable."

"Perhaps, but it is true nonetheless. I spent many millennia wondering whether the punishment fit the crime, and I never came to a decision. When I was in jail, it seemed grossly unfair, but when I came to earth and saw what had become of humanity, I thought perhaps it wasn't enough. Because of me, my Father's wonderful creation has been tainted, His divine children corrupted and ruined. I don't think there truly is a punishment fitting for me."

Sam was overwhelmed with regret for the angel's fate and incredulity that he was even feeling anything like it. This was the angel that had stolen peace from him, the angel that was going to betray them to Metatron had he not had a change of heart. The angel that had not known family or affection in millennia.

"You feel pity for me," Gadreel said with a quirked eyebrow. "That's unexpected."

"No kidding," Sam said. "I just can't believe… When I used to pray, when I thought God was still running the switches upstairs, I thought He was this magnificent being, capable of endless forgiveness."

"No, Sam, that is just a lie people tell themselves. God is not forgiving."

"Yeah, I get that. Believe me, I do. It's just… Even when He refused to step up to the plate to stop the apocalypse, I thought of all the incredible things He'd done before, and thought maybe He wasn't so bad. But it turns out He was a deadbeat all along."

"No," Gadreel said thoughtfully. "Not a deadbeat. Just a being with limits for compassion."

"You're defending Him?" Sam asked.

"Do you not still defend your father, despite his failings?" Gadreel asked. "You were expelled for wanting an education. That is not a crime."

"The worst my father did was tell me not to come back," Sam said.

"No, Sam. The worst your father did was drive you away from your brother. You lost everything as surely as I did. The difference is that my crime was deserving of punishment. Yours was not."

Sam shook his head. He understood what the angel was saying but he didn't agree. Four years at college without his brother didn't equate to millennia of prison, even though it had sometimes felt like it. It had ultimately been his choice to walk away from them both. John Winchester had given Sam a choice that God hadn't given Gadreel.

"We should return to the motel," Gadreel said. "It is draining to maintain the illusion of my memories, and I am weakened from the fight still."

"Okay," Sam said, taking one last look at longing at the meadow. He chewed his lip for a moment. "Gadreel."

"Yes, Sam," the angel said, a smile curving his lips.

"Thank you," he said, "for showing me this."

Gadreel smiled. "You're welcome.

As the meadow rippled and was replaced by the bunker, Sam smiled too. He thought perhaps he understood the angel better now, understood why he had taken Sam over. If Sam had been locked away for as long as Gadreel, he would seize any opportunity for freedom, too, even if it came as the cost of someone else's.

So… We got Gadreel's side of the sad story at last. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I did writing it. It was intimidating as hell to tackle the subject but very rewarding.

Until next time…

Clowns or Midgets xxx