Two by Two by Two, Part 5d
Inara avoids comfort, and takes refuge in anger.
Rating: Please read the rating note on Chapter 1.
This section rated T.
It had been two days since Inara's fight with the Captain, and she had been avoiding everyone else aboard Serenity, not just Mal. Kaylee tapped cautiously on Inara's shuttle door.
"Go away, Mal."
"'Nara, it's me," she called softly.
"Kaylee?" Inara's voice came through the door.
"We need ta talk."
"If you're coming to plead the Captain's case—" Inara began.
"It's not about him." Yes, it is. About him and you. Kaylee gathered her courage. Inara hadn't left the shuttle for a couple of days now, except for a few quick trips to the dining room to grab some protein bars and retrieve her tea. She'd timed them carefully for when nobody was about, and even though Kaylee had hustled in there to try to talk, Inara had managed to get away afore she could catch up to her. "It's about me," Kaylee claimed, and it was partially true. You're my role model, Inara, when it comes to understanding men-folk. And when you're so off-kilter, it scares me some. "And you." It's definitely about you. You and the Captain. 'Cause when you two are at odds, it affects everyone on this boat. It weren't just the fight. Everbody had heard the hollerin' and the sound of Inara throwin' things, and although at first everyone had rather enjoyed the fireworks, it weren't long before they realized this was more serious than the couple's usual spats. "Could use your counsel." And you could use mine. Not that I'm any kind of qualified counselor, or nothin', but sometimes folk just need ta see things from another viewpoint. Cap'n had gone by Inara's locked shuttle door repeatedly, Kaylee knew. She'd seen him apologizing, refuting, sweet-talking, even begging and pleading, in front of Inara's locked door. It weren't like Inara not even to listen. Maybe I can help. And I gotta try at least. "Will you let me in?"
There was some scuffling noise. The door opened.
"Missed you today, Inara."
Inara made no reply, but gave Kaylee a look, and led the way in. Kaylee noticed that Inara's eyes were red-rimmed behind her make-up, but her voice was perfectly composed. "Would you like a cup of tea?" she offered, courteously seating Kaylee on the sofa.
"No thanks, 姐姐 jiějie," Kaylee replied. 哦天啊 Ò tiān ā, this was awkward. Inara was politely offering tea, like a Companion, not a friend. Whatever it was that was goin' on between her and the Captain was straining their friendship, too. "Sit down. We need ta talk." She looked up anxiously at Inara, and something in the older woman seemed to change of a sudden, like flipping a switch.
"Oh! Of course, Kaylee." Inara sat down, and looked at Kaylee, all sympathy now. And that, more than anything, brought home to Kaylee just how…unnatural Inara was acting. Not like herself. The regular Inara didn't need to remind herself to be friends with her Serenity family. Didn't need to turn off the Companion charm and remember to be real. The regular Inara was honestly more at ease, not pretending to be at ease. Something was really wrong.
Kaylee sat there for moment thinking about the last time she and Inara had a private conversation. It was only a couple days ago—just after she found out she was pregnant, and just before Inara had that big blow-up with the Captain.
Running over their talk in her mind now, Kaylee was appalled at herself. She'd been chirping away happily about babies and marriage, so caught up in herself, that she hadn't really been paying attention to Inara's reactions. And now, as she played the scene back in her mind, she noticed that her friend had been unusually, uncharacteristically cool on the subject. Almost silent. Kaylee was upset with herself for not noticing. Clearly babies and marriage were sensitive subjects. Kaylee had stepped in it. She thought back further, to the conversation about kids they'd all had on the way to Beylix. Captain jumped right in and said he wanted a large family—four or five kids. And Inara had been silent then, too. Dang. She should have noticed. She should have noticed something was wrong. Captain wanted kids, and Inara didn't. Or wouldn't. Or couldn't. And she wasn't sayin'. And, Kaylee was guessing now, she hadn't told Cap'n either. Or she had, but she hadn't told him why. And that was why they were at odds, or at least part of the underlying reason. And now Kaylee had another realization. Marriage. Inara and the Cap'n were at odds over marriage. Kaylee guessed this one easily. Cap'n wanted to marry Inara. And Inara, for some reason or other, didn't want to marry the Cap'n. Shoot. And she had ta go open her big mouth, and talk marriage and babies with her best friend. She'd probably hit every raw nerve there was. No wonder the explosion, when it came, had been so tremendous.
She recollected the stunned feeling of every crew member as they listened to Inara accuse the Captain of being unfaithful to her. "Betraying son of a 青蛙的乱伦的猴子qīngwāde luànlún de hóuzi…烂鱼臭Làn yú chòu traitor….Get out, Malcolm Reynolds, you two-timing妓女的儿子jìnǚ de érzi!" Inara seemed to think the Cap'n was havin' an affair with another woman. Now that was just plain crazy. There was, however, something she could do about it, Kaylee reflected. She thought she could help.
"Inara," she ventured. "Cap'n ain't seein' no one else."
"Kaylee," Inara interjected, warningly, "I told you I'm not interested in hearing you plead his case."
"He ain't that kind of man," Kaylee continued, passionately. "I been on this boat for nearly five years now, Inara, and you know how many women I seen him pursue in that time?" Inara gave her one significant glance, and looked away, silent. "One." She shot Inara a serious look. You. She thought Inara understood what she meant.
"I know you're trying to be helpful, Kaylee," Inara said in a controlled voice, "but I know what I saw and what I heard." Kaylee's eyes grew big. "Yes," Inara continued, noting Kaylee's shock and meeting her eyes. "I saw. I heard. I'm not relying on anything other than the evidence of my own senses." It took all of Inara's training not to erupt into another impassioned outburst, such were the seething emotions she was feeling just thinking about it again. It took all her control not to scream. I thought he loved me! She wanted to break down and cry on Kaylee's shoulder. Or yell and throw things. But it wouldn't do. She tried to keep her voice calm, tried to sound steely and resolute. "I'm afraid it's all too true." She turned away. "Would you please…leave me alone?"
. . .
She was angry. Angrier than she'd been in years, and that was saying something, because Mal had a natural talent for antagonizing her and she'd been angry with him time and again ever since she first set foot on Serenity.
Everything had seemed to be going so right, and now it was all wrong. That was the problem. Things were seldom as they seemed. He'd seemed sincere in his offer of marriage. He'd acted pleased with her answer. He'd treated their anniversary as something special, and she would have sworn he felt the same as she did about their love. But he hadn't sworn it.
And who paid attention to Zoe—forlorn, widowed, pregnant Zoe? Mal. Of course. They had been laughing together on the bridge. Just what had Mal been saying—or doing—to make Zoe laugh? Even Kaylee's attempt to advocate for him only made things worse. "I been on this boat for nearly five years now, Inara, and you know how many women I seen him pursue in that time? One." Zoe. Of course, Inara reflected bitterly. Because she hadn't been on board for that long.
It was maddening how he played the innocent. "I got no idea what I did to make you angry." Yeah, right. How could he be so clueless? No one could be so clueless. It was an act, and he was a better actor than she had given him credit for. How could she have been so deceived? She had studied so long how to read people. She had practiced reading people, professionally, for years. She was a Companion, for Buddha's sake, a first-class Companion, and reading people was part of her job. But it had always been difficult to read Mal.
She'd had nothing but complaints from him about her profession. Was she supposed to give it all up—for him? That was a pile of 马屎 mǎ shǐ. No, she had read up on it. Companions who took lovers required those lovers to comply with the Guild's rules on non-transactional relationships, or they risked losing their good standing with the Guild. The rules were complicated—as she'd once told Kaylee, when she asked about Companions "dating"—but anyone who truly loved would see they were necessary. Why couldn't Mal see?
Why wouldn't he let her work? He never asked her not to work—not outright. Nothing so straightforward as that. He simply made it impossible for her to do so. She recognized his passive-aggressive tendencies.
And what did he offer her in return for asking such a sacrifice of her? She had thought he offered her his heart, his whole, unswerving, unshakeable fidelity. Unused as she was to such an offering, she had recognized nonetheless the value of such sincere devotion. Well, apparently not. If he could carry on with Zoe, right under her nose, not two weeks after making her an offer of marriage, then his fidelity didn't mean a damn thing. None of it meant a damn thing.
. . .
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glossary
姐姐 jiějie [older sister]
哦天啊 Ò tiān ā [Gosh]
青蛙的 乱伦 的 猴子 qīngwā de luànlún de hóuzi [frog-humping monkey]
烂鱼臭 Làn yú chòu [Rotten fish-stinking]
妓女的儿子 jìnǚ de érzi [son of a whore]
马屎 mǎ shǐ [horseshit]
A/N: 'None of it means a damn thing.' Inara, can you really believe that? Rest assured, dear readers, we'll be moving on from this focus on Inara-angst soon. Get ready for the build-up to the action-packed second half of the story. I wouldn't mind having some feedback in the meantime. :-)