Disclaimer: I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N: Look! An update in less that 6 months! Yay! This chapter was actually kind of fun for me to write. It was one of the scenes that had been in my head since I first started planning this story. I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 13: The First Secret: Part II - The First Fight
Thursday. Lunchtime. Double Herbology outside in the afternoon. It wasn't the prospect of spending the rest of the day freezing her extremities off one by one that had Lily in a snippy mood and it wasn't the fact that McGonagall had assigned her so much homework that any plans she had for the weekend would have to be cancelled. It wasn't that ever since Sirius broke up with Rosalyn the concept of sleep had become a mere memory because of her earsplitting wails at all hours of the night. No, each of these things were certainly a contributor, but not the main reason.
The real reason Lily was meticulously crushing her baked potato into a mashed potato was because she had not had a single moment alone with James since Sunday at midnight. They couldn't study alone together because all of the seventh years were so bogged down with work that the mere suggestion of running to the library had at least two others offering to go along as well. Their midnight meetings didn't happen either because all of the seventh year Gryffindors were up until at least one each night trying to get their work finished. Even patrolling didn't give them any time alone. Alyson McKenzie, the fifth year Gryffindor prefect, got caught snogging a Hufflepuff prefect during their duty the previous week and had been sentenced to duty with James and Lily while she was on probation.
James was somehow handling it much better than she and looked on smirking as her mashed potato became the consistency of a paste.
He cleared his throat and leaned down closer to her. "You know, Evans, if you're done eating, I drew up some ideas for the pep rally. They're up in the tower if you want to come with me to get them."
Lily scowled at her destroyed potato and her barely touched vegetables. "I couldn't eat now even if I wanted to. I'm too stressed out," she grumbled before pushing away from the table and stalking toward the doors of the Great Hall. She didn't slow down at all even though she could hear James's scurrying footsteps as he attempted to catch up to her.
"You forgot your bag," James chuckled as he held it out for her though making sure to keep the appropriate amount of distance between them as there were still stragglers in the corridors. Some were still making their way to lunch and others were seventh years who were skipping lunch in lieu of finishing an essay or learning the latest complicated spell.
"Thank you," Lily muttered though there wasn't a hint of gratitude in her voice.
"You know, you're pretty funny when you're this upset." She flashed a glare his way which only made him grin wider. "Why so sour?"
"James, we haven't had a moment alone in four days!" Lily barked in hushed tones, exasperated. "Why aren't you upset?"
James just chuckled at her outburst which only caused her to be more irritated. "We're alone now," he pointed out as he reached for her hand as they turned the corner and entered a less traveled corridor.
"Yeah, but we're also going to do work so it doesn't really count, does it?" she complained. He stopped suddenly, pulling her back toward him and then gently pushing her against the wall. He placed one arm on either side of her head and leaned down so that he was eye level with her. "What are you doing?" she asked, still trying to sound irritated even though the way he was looking at her now made her heart leap up and start pounding in her throat.
"I'm flattered that you have so overestimated my work ethic, but there are no plans in my dormitory."
"What are you talking about?" she asked, her eyebrows pulling together as she tried to duck under his arm. He brought one hand down and placed it on her waist, holding her in place.
"I lied about having pep rally plans so we could have some alone time," he explained, a satisfied smile on his face. "Do you understand now?"
She narrowed her eyes momentarily and then smiled in relief, her head falling forward to rest on his chest. "Thank goodness," she breathed her tense shoulders relaxing for the first time in days. "I was gearing up to yell at you for trying to put more work on my plate."
He chuckled as she looked up at him. "Yeah, even if there were plans, I know better than to try and talk to you when you're in a mood like that." She narrowed her eyes at him but he took a step toward her, filling the already miniscule space between them. "Now, aren't you glad I lied," he murmured, his lips brushing feather-like against hers.
She only had time to "mmhmm" before he was pressed against her, pushing her up against the cool stone wall. The kiss was slow and hesitant at first, his hand soft on her cheek, her hands resting motionless on his hips. It was sweet and tender and she felt the relief of just being able to be with James wash over her. The other concerns of her day were far removed so that all there was room for was the gentle way his lips slowly moved over hers and the way they dropped to deliver a line of kisses along her jaw line.
"Mmm…I've missed you," Lily murmured as he snaked an arm around her back, pulling her tightly against himself. He chuckled appreciatively but then returned his attention to her lips.
Suddenly she was feeling the absence of this for the past five days and needed him closer. She ran her hands up his chest and into his hair, grasping onto it and pulling him toward herself, arching her back into his body. James didn't miss a beat, his kisses becoming more frenzied along with hers. He was everywhere. His scent, his strength, his passion. She hated thinking that they only had minutes before it was time to go back to Herbology. The only thing she wanted right now was James and the idea of giving this up to study about plants she didn't care about was pure agony.
But something else provided a distraction suddenly. She distinctly heard a portrait swing open in the corridor they had just come from.
With a wild gasp she pushed James roughly away from her. "Someone's coming," she whispered frantically and quickly began trying to smooth down her hair and straighten her shirt. She hoped they didn't look too suspicious just standing in the middle of a random corridor. Her mind began racing through excuses in case whoever it was questioned what they were doing.
Within a few seconds, none other than Sirius Black came strutting around the corner. Lily breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Sirius! You just about gave me a heart attack," she told him, leaning back against the wall behind her.
Sirius stopped at the sound of her voice, took one look at the two of them and then began smirking smugly. "You two have a lot of work to do on this secret business. All I need is one look at Lily's bruised lips and Prongs' face – you look like you're getting denied something really nice right now – to know what you two were up to. You're lucky it's me and not anyone else at this school." He continued walking past them, noticing James' extremely disgruntled look and Lily's blushing cheeks. "Don't mind me…carry on."
Lily waited until Sirius was no longer in ear shot and then turned to James. "You heard what the man said. Carry on," she repeated, playfully tugging on his arm.
She was surprised when he yanked it out of her grasp.
"What are we doing?" he demanded quietly, his voice hard.
"Well…we were kissing. Now we're just standing," Lily replied, a smile on her lips but her voice tight.
"Dammit Lily, I'm not kidding!" he roared causing her to jump and stare at him wide-eyed. "What are we sneaking around for? We have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. And yet, you pushed me away like we were doing something wrong when Sirius showed up."
"I wouldn't have pushed you away if I'd known it was Sirius," she said timidly, almost afraid to meet his eyes.
He sighed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "That's not the point! We shouldn't have to meet in secret so that we can be together." He paused and turned to face her, ducking his head so that she felt the full effect of the anger within those deep, hazel depths. "I've been trying to wrap my mind around why we're doing this," he said in a dangerously quiet voice, "and the only conclusion I could come to…the only reason that makes any sense at all is that…that you're embarrassed to be dating me."
Lily opened her mouth to protest, but the pain that replaced the anger in his eyes stole the breath right out of her chest. He stood motionless, waiting for her denial, begging with his mind for her to tell him he was wrong. But she didn't say anything. She didn't do anything. She just stood there, staring at him with a dumbstruck look on her face. He clenched his jaw and muttered, "Whatever. If that's how you feel then fine. But I'm done." And before she could do anything to stop him, he'd gestured defeat with his arms, picked up his bag and was walking away from her.
"James!" she called, a plea in her voice, but he didn't stop. She watched his figure slinking away from her. He hit the wall violently with his fist as he turned the corner and then he was out of sight. She hated herself; hated that she had caused that pain and hurt in his eyes, hated that she hadn't been able to explain herself, hated that she couldn't just give him what he wanted.
She just stood there in the hallway, dejected and with no idea what to do next. She didn't move until Sirius walked back through the corridor.
"Where's Prongs?" he asked, snapping Lily back to reality. She picked up her bag and matched his stride though her eyes stayed focused on the floor beneath her feet.
"He already left for Herbology," she murmured. "What were you doing?" She wanted to turn the conversation away from James. Her stomach was already constricting into tight knots at the mere mention of him.
Sirius hesitated, sensing Lily's drastic mood shift, but decided not to push it. "In my hurry to get out of the tower before Rosalyn came downstairs this morning, I left my gloves in my trunk. I considered just skipping class but Moony said he wouldn't let me see his notes if I did that and Prongs doesn't take notes so…I decided to do the responsible thing."
"For once," Lily joked, though she didn't look at him and the corners of her mouth didn't even attempt to turn up in a smile.
They made their way down the front lawn to the greenhouses where the rest of the Gryffindors were already waiting, split up into groups of three. Sirius left her then to join James and Remus while Lily gravitated to the pot that Mary and Jenna were standing by. She attempted to focus her attention on the directions that Professor Sprout was giving them, but she was too distracted and her mind kept drifting.
"He's not really mad at me," she thought desperately as she sneaked a look over to where he was working. "He was just being a typical boy who was upset because the kissing was over," she reasoned. "He'll be back to normal by this evening." And yet, even as she tried to convince herself of this fact, she didn't really believe it. His mouth was set in a hard line and his jaw was clenched. He had not looked up at her with a warm smile or a wink since she'd walked into the greenhouse.
"OUCH! LILY!" Jenna shrieked as one of the sharp leaves Lily was supposed to be holding back jabbed at Jenna in the arm. "I don't know where your mind is right now, but can you please focus for a few minutes. I'd like to get the job done without this stupid tentacular plant thing groping me!"
"Sorry," Lily mumbled apologetically, chancing another glance in James's direction again. He had looked up (like most of the class) when Jenna had shouted but as his eyes met hers, they turned stone cold and he looked back to his plant. She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned her attention back to getting a firmer grip on the vine. Jenna turned her head away and got back to work, still clearly exasperated. Mary on the other hand was watching Lily with a look of concern.
"Hey," she said softly, nudging Lily with her shoulder as she struggled to hang onto her own vine. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Lily lied as the vine lurched away from her, pulling her a few inches along the paved floor.
"Does it have to do with you-know-who?" she asked quietly, signaling with her eyes precisely the you-know-who she meant. Jenna was watching now, listening carefully and paying less attention to the pods she was supposed to be pruning.
"No, of course not," Lily answered too quickly. Jenna was about to retort her disbelief when the subject of their conversation walked up.
"Jenna, can we use your clamp? Sirius broke ours," James asked, clearly addressing only Jenna and carefully keeping his eyes off of Lily. His voice was hard and strictly business. Lily could practically feel the hostility rolling off of him. Jenna handed him their clamp, wide-eyed. "Thanks," he muttered. He turned and walked back to his friends (who were also watching curiously) all the while careful not to bump into her in his anger.
Lily closed her eyes and tried to take a calming breath. When she opened them again, Mary was watching her with a raised eyebrow and Jenna was still staring, shocked by what she'd just seen.
"Okay…I lied. Maybe it does have something to do with him," Lily conceded.
"What happened?" Jenna questioned eagerly, her eyes alight with the prospect of some good gossip. "Did he ask you out and you turned him down again? Oooh, did you tell him you love him and then he told you that you were too late and that he'd moved on?"
Lily tried to look disinterested and annoyed with her questions, though she was astounded by how very close she was to the truth.
"Lily, did he get you pregnant and now he's upset because you decided to keep it?" Jenna asked, her tone one of mock seriousness while she stepped forward and put her gloved hand on Lily's stomach as though she were feeling for a baby's kick.
"I'm not even dignifying that last one with an answer," Lily grumbled, swatting Jenna's hand away, though she was grateful for the lightened mood.
"So, what's really going on?" Mary asked, genuine concern in her voice.
Lily sighed. She wanted to tell the truth. She needed the help of her friends. She needed their advice. Of course, if she could tell them about her fight with James, they wouldn't have had the argument in the first place. "Well, you know that we went to the tower to look at his plans for the pep rally which I'm still not convinced isn't a stupid idea. Anyway, I already wasn't in the best mood and I - in way too many words – told him I thought his ideas were stupid."
"So, you wounded his pride. He's a big boy. He can handle it," Jenna remarked in an off-hand manner.
"Well, I didn't really go about telling him what I thought in the nicest way."
"He'll be fine. He's had a rough week too. It might take him a few hours but he'll be over it soon enough," Mary assured her.
"I hope you're right. I don't think you are, but I hope so."
As it turned out, Mary wasn't right. James was still mad after Herbology and walked far ahead of the girls with Sirius and Remus. When Jenna asked him what the rush was, he replied that they had to meet Peter after his Muggle Studies class.
"Is this the first time all year that they've realized Peter isn't in Herbology with us?" Jenna asked snidely under her breath. Lily felt gratitude toward her friend for so blindly taking her side even though she believed that their fight was a ridiculously small argument that James and Lily would forget about rather than resolve.
James continued to avoid her at dinner, sitting with Bill, Emmett and Mary further down the table claiming he needed to talk about a Quidditch scheduling conflict.
"I think this is the first time in six years he hasn't sat with us," Sirius observed, a look of shock evident on his handsome features. "Even when he had girlfriends, he expected them to come sit with us rather than the other way around."
"Try to hold back the tears," Jenna teased overdramatically. Sirius grimaced at her before turning back to his dinner.
"You must have really pissed him off, Evans," Peter chirped causing Mary to raise her eyebrows at him and making Sirius and Remus roll their eyes.
"Very tactful, Wormtail," Remus chided. "Besides, if that's the real reason he's not sitting with us then he is severely overreacting. Whatever you said about his plans couldn't have been that bad…or that far off the mark. I didn't even see him working on them so it's not like you insulted his best work." Lily knew that Remus was trying to be comforting, but his words only made her squirm guiltily. Sirius caught her gaze and with one brief look managed to make her feel even more ashamed of herself than she already was.
"Can we just change the subject?" she suggested warily. But even the light discussion of her friends about Peter's hatred of Muggle Studies couldn't distract her from the deafening silence from the other end of the table.
The rest of the group made their way back to the tower, mentally preparing themselves for another late night of studying. James however still sat at the table taking much more time than usual to finish his meal.
Lily settled down in the common room, her back against a sofa and her Charms books spread out around her. Mary was working on the same essay and so she sat next to her. Even Sirius, who managed to finish more of his work by doing nothing, had his nose buried in an Arithmancy book. No one except Lily even looked up when James entered the common room and headed straight to the stairs for his dormitory. Her stomach plummeted. It seemed he was still angry with her. But as he returned a few minutes later, her heart began thumping hopefully. He walked over to where everyone sat, careful to keep his eyes guarded and away from Lily.
He stood behind the chair that Peter lounged in. "I'm going to the library," he announced stoically.
"I'll go with you," Lily offered eagerly, pushing her books aside and preparing to stand up. "I need to get a Transfiguration book."
"NO!" James exclaimed, holding his hands up. For an instant that seemed to last an eternity, his eyes locked with hers. They were void of emotion, completely ambivalent to her. "It's just that I really need to study for Potions and I'm afraid that if you come with me we'll talk rather than do our work." He now seemed to be looking at a spot just beyond her rather than actually at her.
"Yeah, sure…I understand," Lily choked out settling back into her spot. "I need to do my Charms essay anyway."
"What book do you need? I'll go ahead and get it for you," he offered in a mechanical but polite voice.
"Um…that's okay. I can just get it tomorrow, I guess. Thanks though."
"Sure thing." And then he was gone. She ignored the way everyone was staring at her and pretended like her Charms homework was much more interesting than it was until she was sure all of the prying eyes had focused back on their own work. That was when she allowed a bit of the panic loose on her body. His words kept running through her mind. You're embarrassed to be dating me. I'm done. The pain in his voice, the cold mask on his face, the emotionless eyes; they haunted her, giving her the chills.
The whole group went up to bed earlier than usual. The promise of the weekend meant that everyone was putting off anything that wasn't due the next day in exchange for a night of more than five hours of sleep. Lily lay in her bed and listened as the other four girls drifted off to sleep quickly. She envied them that. She was determined to stay awake so that she could talk to James at midnight, but even if she didn't have to she wouldn't have been able to fall asleep anyway. There was too much running through her mind, too many frenzied thoughts screaming for her attention to be able to close her eyes and relax. The minutes ticked by slowly and with each movement of the hands on her watch her anxiety level grew.
Finally, at 11:45 she rolled out of bed, unable to lie still any longer. When she reached the common room it was completely empty. Her heart sank when she didn't see James but she reminded herself that she was fifteen minutes early so he still had plenty of time. She crossed the room and sat close to the dwindling fire, wrapping her dressing gown tightly around her body. The wind whistled menacingly outside the windows and made the common room drafty.
The minutes ticked by slowly. Her ears were hyper-sensitive to any noise in the quiet tower. She was straining to hear a door opening or the gentle padding of feet down a staircase but she heard nothing but the crackling of golden embers in the grate.
As time passed and he still didn't emerge from the boys' staircase, she began growing anxious. In all of their fights prior to this one, he was always the one to calm down first, always the one able to shake off their disagreement and continue as if nothing had happened. She was the one who held grudges and couldn't let anything go. She was the one who apologized last (on the few occasions that she had actually felt compelled to apologize). His behavior was unprecedented and left her feeling hopeless as the minute hand on her watched passed midnight, then 12:30 and then got closer and closer to one. She kept trying to convince herself that he'd fallen asleep or forgotten, futilely attempting to persuade herself that the reason he wasn't there had nothing to do with the fact that he was mad. She refused to go upstairs, knowing that if she got up and left that she would just miss him. And so she fell asleep, her legs tucked up under her body and her head tilting awkwardly on the arm of the couch.
-&-&-&-
"Evans…wake up," she heard a quiet male voice saying, drifting into her dream. She groaned but kept her eyes closed, too tired to put forth the effort to open them. "Good lord, you're stubborn," the voice muttered. Then she felt a tapping on her forehead. She scrunched her face up, irritated that whoever it was, was so determined to wake her up. "Lily, at least go sleep in your own bed. People are staring." It was at that point that she heard the dull smattering of conversations around her. She wrenched her eyes open, the brightness of the sudden daylight making her wince. James was squatting a few feet away from her with the same cold, emotionless look on his face. "Good," he said and then stood up.
She stood up too and grabbed his arm to keep him from walking away. She teetered on the spot, the blood rushing to her head. He reached out to steady her, concern flashing momentarily in his eyes. Once she regained her balance though he dropped his hand and again seemed to be looking past her rather than at her.
She swallowed, aware that there were quite a few people around and that she was drawing attention to them for having slept on the couch, but if he was going to keep himself away from her, she would have to take advantage of any chance she could to talk to him.
"Where were you last night?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I told you, I was in the library," he stated matter-of-factly, his voice passive.
"All night?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"Oh…" he paused and sighed. She knew that he had known the true intention of her question the first time and was slightly irritated with him for his evasive answer. But now he looked into her eyes, his were empty and though he was looking at her, it didn't make her feel any better. Her stomach twisted again nervously. "I fell asleep," he answered, before looking down at the ground.
Lily stared at him for a moment, a tiny crease forming between her eyes. "Why are you lying to me?" Her voice was soft, but James felt the magnitude of the betrayal in her voice. He didn't know how to answer her. Why had he lied?
Thankfully, he was saved from having to come up with an answer because at that moment Jenna and Mary toppled out of the girls' staircase. Their smiling eyes landed on Lily, who immediately dropped her hand from James's arm, causing him to clinch his fists at his side.
"What in the world are you doing?" Mary asked laughing, her eyes sweeping over Lily's pajama clad frame and wildly knotted red hair.
"Did you sleep down here?" Jenna wondered, barely suppressing giggles.
"Um…I'm not really sure," Lily answered. She turned to look at James as if asking for help in an explanation but figured out quickly from his vaguely curious expression that helping her lie to her friends was the last thing he intended to do. "Maybe I'm sleepwalking again..."
Jenna, who looked like she wasn't fully buying her story shrugged and said, "Well, go get dressed so that we can go get breakfast. I'm hungry! And…you might consider running a brush through your hair too."
"See you later," James mumbled and walked off leaving Lily watching and feeling just as hopeless as she had the night before.
The rest of the day didn't go much differently. He acted completely normal around everyone else except for the fact that he was a bit quieter than usual but Lily may as well have not even been there. He only talked to her if she directly addressed him (which she stopped doing around lunch time because each time he answered her quickly and then went back to ignoring her, it pushed her closer and closer to tears). He sat next to her in Transfiguration as usual but took notes more diligently than she had thought was possible for him.
The only thing that kept her going after dinner was the knowledge that Alyson had finished her probation earlier in the week and so she would at least have three hours patrolling that night to try and talk things through without any interruptions or ways that he could possibly deflect her questions.
The whole group sat in front of the fire that evening relaxing. All except for Mary who was already working hard on her Care of Magical Creatures essay for the next week.
"You laugh now, but I'll be the one laughing Sunday night when you're all scrambling to get your stuff finished," she'd retorted when Sirius and Jenna started making fun of her.
James sat quietly on the floor watching Remus and Jenna play a particularly violent and aggressive game of chess. His eyes were unfocused and it was obvious that his mind was far from what he was watching but everyone else was so exhausted that they didn't really notice.
"James, are you ready?" Lily asked as she hoisted herself off of the comfortable armchair and walked over to him.
He blinked as he was snapped out of his trance and then gave her an extremely confused look. "For what?" he finally asked slowly.
"Patrolling," Lily sputtered, though his obvious confusion caused her to second guess herself.
"Oh right! I guess I forgot to tell you, but I asked Alyson to trade a shift with me. So, I'm going to take her Monday night shift and she's going to go with you tonight," he explained, his expression vacant.
"Why?" Lily asked feeling crestfallen. She knew that her disappointment was written all over her face but she didn't care. She was frustrated and she was torn between wanting to yell and him and wanting to cry in his arms and beg him to forgive her.
"I'm really tired. I didn't sleep very well last night," he admitted as he turned his focus back to the game.
Lily just stood where she was for a moment, feeling like she was helpless to do anything except watch as he pulled further and further away from her. He seemed oblivious to her still form and used every ounce of willpower he had to keep from turning and watching her walk out of the common room with Alyson McKenzie chattering on happily next to her.
"You could give her a break, you know," Jenna noted and it was only then that James realized she was staring right at him. She didn't have the normally pleasant smile on her face but was looking at him with intense disappointment with something resembling hostility in her eyes. "I don't know exactly what she said to you about your pep rally plans, but I'm sure that it wasn't that bad."
James just glared back at her. "Jenna, don't talk about things you don't understand," he bit out in an unforgiving and harsh voice. His jaw was clenched. She had no right to stick her nose into their business. She didn't even know what was going on.
Jenna however did not seem intimidated by him at all. She glared right back at him, a challenge in her eyes. Sensing a further conflict, Mary chimed in. "She feels really bad, James. That's all. We just don't like seeing her so upset."
James's carefully composed mask faltered briefly before falling back into place. "That's sweet, but you two need to butt out. It's none of your business," he snapped.
Mary shook her head and mouthed "okay" before turning her attention back to her books. Jenna looked ready to continue arguing but Remus interjected. "Your move, Jenna." So she let it drop, occasionally shooting James a look of pure venom but not bringing it up again.
-&-&-&-
"Oh my gawd, Lily, you are so incredibly lucky!" Alyson prattled on. She had not stopped talking since they had left the common room more than two hours earlier. In fact, the only silences that Lily could remember at all were when Alyson had to take a breath. Luckily for Alyson, Lily was too distracted to really be annoyed by it. On the contrary, she almost enjoyed the constant babble. It gave her something besides James's silence to think about.
"How's that?" Lily queried, feigning interest though she was sure that whatever Alyson said would be some shallow perk in her life that she didn't really care too much about. She wouldn't have been surprised if "you have floral scented shampoo" or "you have two pairs of pink stockings" was the next thing out of her mouth.
"You get to work one on one all the time with James Potter!" she squealed. Lily gave her a look that clearly questioned why that qualified her as 'lucky' and Alyson wasted no time giving her an excited explanation. "He is so hot! I mean, he's no Sirius Black but I always imagined that he had really nice muscles underneath his robes. And his messy hair is so adorable! How can you stand it? If I had to work as closely with him as you do I don't even think I'd be able to string coherent sentences together."
Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head, but it was nothing she hadn't heard before. For years, girls had been fawning over James and asking her how she, the one girl James seemed truly interested in, could possibly not reciprocate his feelings. "James and I are just friends," Lily responded mechanically, though as she said it she found herself thinking that that statement was debatable based on his behavior the past few days.
"That's right. I don't know how you can possibly resist him though. He's so charming and funny and smooth. I would just be making up all kinds of things that we needed to do to spend some alone time together," she chattered dreamily.
"You're overestimating his work ethic," Lily said, repeating James' own comment from the day before, a sad smile on her lips.
Alyson gave her an exasperated look. "I just don't understand you at all, Lily Evans. He is everything that a man should be. He's sexy, smart, funny, loyal…"
"He can also be arrogant, stubborn, stuck up and rude," Lily interjected, though even she recognized that these characteristics seemed to have been left in previous years. She hadn't seen much of that James Potter this year. Part of her was relieved, but another part of her was just waiting for him to resurface. She didn't want to believe it, but a small, cynical part of her brain kept telling her that he had obviously tried to change in order to get her to go out with him and now that he had succeeded, it was only a matter of time before the James she hated showed up again.
"Oh, come on, Lily! Nobody's perfect. And the good things about James Potter seriously outweigh the bad. It makes him almost irresistible," she debated.
"It's easier to resist when he spends six years doing everything in his power to drive you crazy."
Alyson sighed. "I suppose it's just as well anyway. Isn't he dating that Lexi girl from Ravenclaw now?" she wondered aloud, not noticing the way Lily's eyes bulged and her entire body tensed up.
"Um…I think that they are just friends, too," Lily blurted out quickly in a strangled voice.
"Are you sure?" Alyson asked, looking at Lily with doubtful eyes. "He looks at her the same way that he looks at you. And she looks at him the way I'm sure he always wished you would. And they make such a cute couple! Did you see them together at the Halloween dance? I mean, is there anything cuter than Cinderella and Prince Charming? And she's really pretty too. They are a good match as far as attractiveness goes. They have an equal attractiveness, you know what I mean?" Lily couldn't take any more of that and started intentionally blocking out Alyson's chatter, offering up the occasional "yeah" and "oh, really?" whenever she heard a lull in the noise.
Alyson didn't seem to notice.
Lily instead replayed her last real conversation with James over and over in her head and tried desperately to come up with a plan of getting him alone. A plan that he wouldn't be able to weasel his way out of.
But as they found themselves back in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady with their time up, a frightening thought suddenly hit Lily. His last words to her reverberated around in her head. "I'm done." She'd thought that when he'd said that he'd meant that he was done with the argument. But what if she was wrong? What if that's not what he meant at all? She was starting to believe that maybe he'd really meant that he was done with her. Done with their relationship. All of a sudden, the careful control she'd maintained since their argument broke down. Her chest felt tight, compressed and she felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes.
She muttered the password to the Fat Lady and scampered across the room heading for the staircase before her tears could overtake her. She didn't dare a glance toward James knowing that one look at that cold exterior would push her over the edge and she didn't want to cry in front of him. Little did she know that he had instinctively looked over whenever she had entered the common room and noticed a glistening tear on her cheek. He tried to ignore it, but no matter what he did he couldn't get the image out of his head. It was like it was burned into his memory.
The rest of the evening was a blur. He didn't talk to anyone else or participate in any of the games they were playing. As he lay in his bed staring at his curtain rings and listening to Sirius's incredible snores he couldn't even recall what anyone had said. He was so distracted by whatever was going on between him and Lily.
He rolled over and sighed loudly. His eyelids were begging to be closed. His whole body was wrought with exhaustion but when he closed his eyes and attempted to fall asleep he couldn't get his mind to shut up. He didn't know what to do. Was he letting pride dictate his decision? Wasn't having Lily in secret better than not having her at all? But then again, just because it was Lily and just because he'd waiting so long to be with her didn't mean that he should just accept the fact that she was embarrassed by him. What kind of future did they really have if she didn't want other people to know about them?
With a loud groan he flipped over and violently kicked his covers off. Whatever he did, he knew that he couldn't continue to just ignore her. He was just getting more and more upset as time went on. The longer he just sat and brooded about it the angrier he got. And angry as he was, he hated the thought that he had hurt her. Whatever ended up playing out, it had to be better than the painful silence that had defined their relationship lately.
He jumped out of bed, determined to do something and hurried out of the room, making more noise than was strictly necessary but not waking anyone up. He practically ran down the stairs, his invisibility cloak tucked into the back of his pajamas in case the common room was occupied and he and Lily needed to sneak out. He entered the room and satisfied that it was deserted, James slouched down onto the couch opposite the fire, his heart aching at the possible outcome of their meeting.
Lily had spent the evening dreading the approach of midnight. She hated the thought of his absence again tonight. She'd regained control of her emotions up in the dormitory but feared the return of the threatening flood of tears if James stood her up again.
She didn't go down early this time. She waited until she heart the chime of Jenna's watch indicating that it was twelve o'clock. She grabbed her dressing gown off of the end of her bed but didn't put it on. She had long ago decided that if he wasn't already down there she was turning right around and going to bed. Her hopes weren't high. She had seen no change in his demeanor that indicated that she should expect to see him in the common room.
That's why she was so surprised when her eyes fell on him. She stopped in shock and heard the door to the staircase click closed behind her. He stood up and gave her a crooked, unsure smile. She was so relieved that he was there, that he was looking at her and that it was her James looking at her instead of the cold, emotionless James she'd become used to. She was so relieved that she rushed forward and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. He was taken aback and chuckled in spite of himself, allowing himself to enjoy this moment. He wrapped his arms around her, gently stroking her hair as he inhaled the floral scent emanating from it.
He didn't want to let go, content to stay like this forever, but knew that this discussion needed to happen. So after a long moment he stepped away from her and sat back down on the couch, his eyes not leaving her face. The relief that was evident there was disarming. She was looking at him as if she were afraid that she'd never be able to look at him again. He had to swallow hard and remind himself of why he was upset when she sat down next to him and snuggled up against him, resting her head in the crook of his neck.
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled. "I never meant to hurt you…that was never my intention. But I couldn't stand this." Wrapping an arm around his middle, she briefly closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of his rising and falling chest beneath her. "I don't know how I lasted six years without you when I can barely go two days now." She looked up at him expecting to see his amused eyes glittering or a smirk on his face. Instead he seemed to be contemplating something very seriously. His eyebrows were pulled together and his hazel eyes were penetrating. Lily, her sense of relief dwindling a bit, continued teasing in the hope that he would join in. "I thought maybe you'd decided to dump me without telling me." She grinned, though it didn't reach her eyes. She watched in horror as he looked guiltily down at his hands. His silence was louder and clearer than anything he could have said at that moment. She stared at him for a long time and then shoved away from him, pushing him hard on the shoulder. "You are breaking up with me, aren't you?" she nearly yelled at him.
He didn't say anything right away; he just continued to look at her sadly. "What else can I do, Lily?" he pleaded.
"You could not break up with me…that would be a great start!" she said, anger flaring up and licking at her insides.
He lifted a hand to her mouth and covered it up. "Just listen…please. I need you to understand where I'm coming from." She glared at him but nodded her concession and waited as he lowered his hand. She could see the genuineness in his eyes and she could tell by the look on his face that this wasn't easy for him to do. "I don't want to break up with you. I like you and I like being with you. So much that I want everyone to know and I hate that I only get to be your boyfriend when other people aren't around." His voice was gruff and she could tell that he was fighting with himself, desperate to find a way to ignore his own convictions.
He ran a hand through his hair and ruffled it in frustration. Then he turned his body toward her and locked his eyes on hers. "I've wanted this for so long – wanted you for so long. And when we are together it's better than anything I ever imagined. But, this isn't just a…a fling for me. And if you're embarrassed to be with me now, then I don't really see how we have a future. I don't want to be just the guy you hung out with while you were bored in school." His words were deliberate, his voice passionate. "You exceed any standard I ever set for a girl I wanted to date and I can't stand the thought that I am so far below yours that you don't even want other people to know about me."
And then he went quiet. The sadness in his eyes and the way he slumped dejectedly against the arm of the couch was like a knife twisting in Lily's stomach.
"Can I talk now?" she asked timidly, earning her a half-hearted grin from James and a slight nod. She didn't say anything until he finally looked up and met her eyes. "I'm not embarrassed to be with you. I'm not ashamed to be dating you and I am so sorry that I made you think that."
James looked confused. The crease between his eyebrows was well defined as he scrutinized her. "Then why do you want us to be a secret?"
Lily sighed and felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment. "For a couple of really stupid reasons."
"Which would be?" James prompted.
"Well, for one…I really don't like it when people gossip about me…" Lily admitted sheepishly.
"Lily…no one likes being gossiped about."
"I know!" she retorted defensively. "I just…I don't like people who don't know me talking about me and making assumptions and acting like they care about what's happening in my life when they don't. And all the stuff with my parents hasn't even completely died down yet." James looked at her critically for a moment. "It just bothers me, okay. And for whatever reason people at this school are obsessed with you and me. Everyone thinks it's up to them to decide if we should be dating or not."
James was quiet for a minute. "Is that the only reason you want to keep us a secret then?"
"No…but the other reason sounds worse. I'm not really sure how you're going to take it."
James cocked an eyebrow, confused and with no idea what she was about to say. "Out with it then. Whatever it is it can't be worse than me thinking you're ashamed of me."
"I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out," she whispered slowly. "This kind of peaceful ease that we have created between us…how long can it last?" she asked with a shrug. "I mean, we hated each other for six years! Even when you liked me you still couldn't resist driving me crazy. We fought all the time. And then this year the friendship thing worked for a while and then we couldn't do that anymore. And then we started dating and that lasted, what? Two weeks before I'm having to sit here and talk you out of breaking up with me?"
"But Lily," James interjected, "you wouldn't have to do that if we weren't keeping it a secret."
"True, but how much longer do you honestly think we could go before we have a huge fight? It wouldn't be that much longer before something else happened," she argued. "If it's only going to last a few weeks, why bother telling everyone about it and then having to deal with the fallout of a break up? Think about it…if we do break up tonight, it'll be so much easier to only have to deal with you and I knowing about us than if the whole school knows."
James reached forward and took her hands in his, gently stroking them to soothe her. "That's not going to happen to us. All people in relationships have fights and disagreements but that's healthy. It would be boring if we agreed about everything always. We'll have our fights like everyone else but we'll work through them."
"How do you know?" Lily challenged. "James, there have been times over the last six years when I didn't even want to see your face. How is that 'healthy' for a relationship? You and I are just too explosive. All it's going to take is one huge fight and then it'll be over. I'm too stubborn and you're too prideful."
"Well then why not just break up now and get it over with!" James sputtered, his voice rising, though he immediately regretted it when he saw a look of hurt flash across Lily's face. He sighed and apologized. "I didn't mean that...but you could make that argument for any relationship, especially early on. 'Why bother going through the song and dance if we're both ultimately going to get hurt?' But the thing is, all relationships are doomed to fail until you're with the right person. All of your relationships are going to end until you're in the one that doesn't. But you'll never be in the one that doesn't if you're not willing to try…if you're not willing to take a chance." He took her face in his hands and looked intently into her eyes. "I want this to be the right one…I want us to be the couple that makes it. I can't tell you for sure that we will, but I can assure you we won't if you keep expecting every fight we have to be the big one.
"Maybe you're right," he continued after a brief pause, "Maybe our personalities are so different that we'll fight more than 'normal' couples do. But then again, maybe you're wrong. I've changed a lot in six years and so have you. Maybe I'm less prideful than you think. And maybe as you've matured you've become less stubborn." Lily laughed at this. "I promise you that I won't give up on us…that I will fight for you and for us until either I die or you tell me you want out. But I won't keep us a secret. I can't fight unless you're willing to fight too."
Lily felt the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes at the surge of emotion she was feeling for him at that moment. How had she been so blind for so long? She wanted to say okay. She wanted to tell him to go wake up the entire house and let them know. But instead she heard different words coming out of her mouth. "I'm scared," she mouthed, barely able to access her voice. "I just need a little bit of time."
"I know," he replied. She could see the disappointment in his eyes but finally the sadness and the hurt was gone. "If there's anything I know for sure about you, it's that you need a little bit of time." He smiled and lifted one of her hands to his lips. "I'm okay with that. But can we put a time limit on it?"
"Like what?"
"Like if you haven't told anyone by a certain date we agree to tell them then," he explained.
"Do you have a specific date in mind?" she asked skeptically.
"Christmas?" he suggested lightly.
She shook her head. "That's in like, a week! Too soon. How about Valentine's Day?"
"Too far," he retorted. "How about your birthday? January 30."
Lily was silent for a moment. "Fine," she muttered. James seemed satisfied by that and if having a deadline made him happy, she was happy too. He pulled her into him, kissing her briefly and then holding her as she smiled, her heart feeling light for the first time in days. "So, just to clarify, we're not broken up?"
James laughed, his chest shaking beneath her. "No, we're not."
"Good," she muttered.
A/N-I hope you enjoyed this. I really had a lot of fun writing their various encounters. I think I'm making James a little bit too perfect...but it's a story right? If there's ever a place where the lead man should be perfect it's in stories.
I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas/holiday season and a very Happy New Year! The perfect gift you could give me: a review! :) I've already started outlining the next chapter so it should be up soonish!