The Mountains and the Stars

Chapter 13: Only with the Heart

"So you never learned how to swim? Not even in Boston?" Sasha asked Ellie.

"Never did," Ellie said, as she unwrapped the blood pressure cuff from Sasha's arm, where she'd been practicing taking readings. "There wasn't really any place for us to learn. The only water was by the docks, and there wasn't really a beach there; just places for boats to tie up. When Joel and I came here, if we had to cross water, we improvised."

"What did you do?"

That brought a smile from Ellie. "We'd find a wooden pallet or something like that. I'd get on it and Joel would push me across."

"It's good that you'll learn. I know it sounds old, but it may very well save your life someday."

"Do you know how to swim?"

"I didn't learn until I came here. Chicago was like Boston. There weren't any bodies of water to learn. After the first winter, Tommy and Maria taught all of us how to swim. The ones of us who didn't know, that is." Sasha folded the blood pressure cuff and put it in a drawer, and then turned back to Ellie. "When you helped out the doctors in Boston, did you learn how to take a pulse?"

"Not really. Is that where you hold their wrist?"

"Sort of," Sasha said, holding out her hand. "Put your first two fingers right here," guiding Ellie's fingers to her arm just behind her wrist. "Tell me when you feel something."

Ellie moved her fingers slightly. "Is it a 'bump-bump'?"

"That's it." Sasha picked up a pocket watch from the table and handed it to Ellie.

"You have a watch that works? Pretty cool."

"It's Simon's. His father gave it to him. He thought the clinic could make more use of it than he could."

Ellie looked at the face. "So I count the number of beats per minute?"

"That's the most accurate way. Or, you could count the number in thirty seconds, or fifteen seconds, and multiply it by two or four. If you do it for a minute, though, then it's easier to tell if the heartbeat is irregular."

"And that's not good."

"Well, it's not normal. Usually the pulse is a steady rate. If there's an irregular heartbeat and other symptoms, then we can get concerned. That's something to learn further down the road."

"Okay, I'm going to start." Ellie said, watching the second hand. When a minute passed, she let go of Sasha's wrist. "I counted fifty-eight. That's normal, right?"

"There's a pretty big range for a normal pulse. Someone who is in good shape may have a pulse that's lower. A normal range is usually fifty to eighty beats per minute. When someone is injured, and not breathing, you'll want to check for a pulse. Another place to check is right here where the jawbone meets your neck," placing her fingers on the point to show Ellie.

"You mean the mandible?" Ellie asked.

"That's right." Sasha said. "You've already started reading the anatomy book?"

"Last night. The first chapter is on the skeleton. Joel helped me before I got tired and we went to sleep."

"What's this?" Sasha asked, tapping the middle of her chest.

"Sternum?" Ellie replied.

"Right. And this?" pointing to her thigh bone.

"Femur. It's the biggest bone in the body."

"What are these called?" Sasha asked, wiggling her fingers.

Ellie grimaced. "I can't remember."

"Phalanges."

"Right. I should have known that."

"You're doing fine, Ellie. You don't have to memorize the two hundred ten bones in one night."

"Dr. Sasha, aren't there two hundred six bones?"

Sasha just smiled. "You did that on purpose." Ellie said slyly.

"A good teacher shouldn't mind being questioned, and a good student should point out when they think a teacher is wrong." Sasha said.

Ellie was feeling her pulse point in her neck. "What if someone doesn't have a pulse? Is that when you do CPR?"

Sasha nodded. "Did you learn that in Boston?"

"No. I saw a doctor do it a couple of times, but I never learned."

"Before I teach you, I really should get a practice dummy. If you practice it on a person that doesn't need it, you could end up doing harm."

"And a doctor should do no harm, right?" Ellie asked.

"Right. I remember seeing practice dummies in the hospital in town, but I didn't think to bring them back. I guess I should have. Adam and the soldiers know CPR, but I should get the practice dummy so I can teach you and whoever else wants to learn. Or, you could teach them after you learn."

Sasha and Ellie heard footsteps on the porch followed by a knock on the door. Sasha opened the door to Joel.

Ellie came over beside him. "Are you finished?" She asked.

"Yep," Joel replied. "It didn't take long at all. If you two are still working, I can come back later."

"We're finished," Sasha said. "You two have fun."

Joel and Ellie arrived on horseback at a clear pond surrounded by rocky outcroppings. This was the pond where Tommy and Maria taught the others how to swim. Although it was within easy walking distance, Maria insisted they ride, just to be safe in case they ran into a bear or mountain lion.

They dismounted, tethered the horses and took off their shoes and socks. Ellie was wearing shorts and a sports bra, and Joel was wearing shorts that almost came down to his knees. Ellie giggled and tugged on the bottom hem.

"You couldn't find any that were longer? I mean, you really should cover up your knees." Ellie smirked.

"I guess that was the style then. It's either this or boxers, and I'm not sure how good plain underwear works as swimming clothes."

Ellie walked down to the edge and stuck her toe in. "It's freezing."

"We'll get used to it." Joel slowly stepped in the water and carefully waded out until the water was almost up to his waist. He slowly walked or swam over most of the area of the pond, determining the deepest parts. Then, satisfied he knew the pond's layout, went back to Ellie and held out his hand. She took it.

"Joel, I'm going to freeze to death." Ellie said, shivering.

"No, you're not. It just seems cold. Your body will get used to it, trust me."

Ellie waded out with Joel until the water was up past her waist. "Fuck, Joel, it's cold," she said, going to Joel and hugging him, waiting for her body to become acclimated. . "You're right. It's a little warmer. Only a little."

"We'll practice floating, first." Joel said. "Most people, even those that can swim, drown because they panic. If you ever find yourself in deep water, or disoriented or tired, the best thing to do is to stay calm and float while you get your bearings. There's a couple of different ways to float."

Ellie practiced floating on her back and stomach in the shallow water. At first, Joel held her up from below, and then slowly pulled his hands away until she was floating by herself. She practiced strokes in shallow water, and Joel held her hands while she practiced kicking, and then, when she felt confident enough, led her in deeper water, still holding her hands while she kicked. Before they finished for the day, Ellie was swimming short distances in the shallow end.

The midafternoon sun heated the rocks nicely as Joel and Ellie lay on a blanket on a large flat rock. The dry air, gentle breeze and sunshine quickly dried their clothes.

"Can we come back tomorrow?" Ellie asked.

"You bet. You did great."

"How long did it take for you to learn to swim?"

"I learned over a summer, when I was about twelve, I guess. Dad signed me and Tommy up for lessons. That was one way to give Mom some peace and quiet, I guess."

"Did you teach Sarah how to swim?"

Joel shook his head. "Her and her friends went to an athletic club close by. They had a pool and people who taught swimming. She liked to swim, but soccer was her first love."

Joel's stomach growled. "I heard that." Ellie said, smiling.

"I guess it's time to eat. Are you hungry?"

"Starved."

Joel brought the lunch they packed, which was flatbread sandwiches, tomatoes and huckleberries.

"It's warmed up nice, hasn't it?" Joel said. "It's hard to believe winter is just a couple of months away."

"Moose said we're going to start storing up hay for the horses." She scooted closer to Joel. "You know what my favorite part about winter is?"

"What?" Joel asked, wiping some tomato juice off her chin.

"Keeping warm with you, under the covers. Do you remember the first time we really got cozy and warm under the covers together?"

Joel paused for a second. It was the first night after I found her in the resort camp, after she killed that piece of shit cannibal."Ellie, that was - I don't want you to have to -"

"It's okay, Joel. I don't think about that other stuff. I remember the good things, like you coming to rescue me."

Joel could feel the heat from the burning restaurant as he and Ellie left the building, walking away from the hell she had just been through. Ellie leaned against Joel, walking on her own, but Joel could sense that it was sheer force of her will that kept her going. Joel glanced back once, and could barely see the buildings of the resort in the swirling snow. He thought he heard voices, and wondered, in a single terrible thought, if they would come after them. Let them come, he said to himself, feeling the fury in his soul. I'll rip their throats out with my own hands, for what they put Ellie through.

He glanced down at Ellie, and felt a slight tug as she stumbled. He stopped, and then picked her up in his arms. Her backpack was slung over one of his shoulders, as she put her arms around his neck and buried her head in his chest. Joel walked on, carrying Ellie, following a wide path through the trees that he hoped was a road. The trees served to shelter them somewhat from the blowing snow, as Joel walked and walked, finding the strength inside to carry this girl, this girl that he knew he loved more than anything, to safety.

A shape appeared out of the snow on the left, a house.

"I remember." Joel said. We walked forever until we found that house with the swing on the porch."

"You carried me for most of the way. I think that was when I knew I wanted to stay with you and never leave." Ellie said, leaning against Joel, who softly stroked her hair.

Joel carried Ellie up the steps on the porch and set her down, holding her up as she stood. "I'm okay. I can stand" she said. Joel tried the door. It was locked. He looked under the mat, and found nothing. Just as he was going to break the glass on the side of the door frame, Ellie said "Wait." She went to a large flower pot to one side of the door and lifted it up. Under it was a key, which she handed to Joel. He tried it in the lock, and it slowly turned. He opened the door and led Ellie in, closing the door behind them.

The house smelled stale and musty. Joel guided Ellie through the foyer to the large room. A fireplace was at one end, with a large couch in front of it. He led Ellie there and sat her down. "I'll check the house and find something to start a fire." He said. She nodded and sat back, staring straight ahead. After making sure the house was deserted, Joel searched closets until he found blankets. He picked several up and set them on the couch with Ellie. Unfolding one, he helped her take off her wet coat and wrapped the dry blanket around her. A hall at the end of the large room led to a utility room with wooden furniture. Joel broke the furniture into firewood-sized pieces, brought an armful in and set it next to the fireplace. Joel put some broken pieces on the rack in the fireplace, and then tore some pages out of a book on a shelf nearby, stuffing the pages under the wood. He checked the flue to make sure it was open, and then pulled a flint striker out of his backpack. After several strikes, the paper caught fire. The dry wood easily caught fire from the paper. Joel went to Ellie. "I want to help," she said, getting up. Ellie followed him in to a bedroom, where they pulled a mattress off of the bed and laid it in front of the fireplace. Joel went back to a bedroom and found two pairs of dry wool socks. He helped Ellie take off her boots and socks, and put the dry socks on her feet. Ellie smiled and gently touched his face, while Joel changed his wet boots and socks for the dry woolen pair. He laid out the wet clothes and boots by the fire to dry, and then helped Ellie lay down on the mattress, covering her with the blankets. "Joel-" Ellie said, reaching out her hand. "I'm coming." Joel replied, putting some more wood on the fire, and then burrowing under the blankets with Ellie. He held her close, feeling her press back against him. Ellie held his hand against her chest, and Joel could feel her heartbeat as they warmed up together under the blankets. The wind howled as a blizzard raged, while Joel and Ellie slept.

"We pulled a mattress in front of the fire and found lots of blankets and quilts, and then built a fire."

"You helped me take off my jacket and boots, and found me some dry socks." Ellie said. "Then, we got under the covers, held each other close and got warm. You gave me exactly what I needed."

"You mean, helping you get warm?"

"Not exactly. Well, I needed that, too. I needed you to just hold me close, just to know you cared for me, without asking me any questions about what happened. I didn't know if I could talk about it, and I was scared that you would ask me."

Joel took her hand. "Ellie, I knew you went through something horrible, something worse than all the stuff we've been through. I just wanted you to know that I was there, that I would always be there with you. Always." Joel paused. "The more I thought, as I was holding you, warming you up, the more I felt like you were more than a friend or companion; you were someone I wanted to hold close every night and share everything about our lives together."

Ellie spoke. "I was thinking about us, the night after you told me what really happened at the hospital, when we were walking home. There was a book Riley told me about, called 'The Little Prince'. After we first got to Jackson and were looking through the vacant houses, I found it. I want to read you something from it." Ellie reached for her backpack, took the book out and opened it up to a page she had marked. "The person telling the story meets the little prince, and other people and animals. He's trying to learn something from each one of them. One of the animals he meets is a fox. This is what the fox tells him." Ellie read from the book. "This is my secret. One sees clearly only with the heart; what is essential is invisible to the eye." Ellie closed the book and put it back. "What do you think that means?"

Joel paused, looking above the trees beyond the pond, at the puffy white clouds dotting the blue Wyoming sky. "I think it means, that for anything that makes a difference in your life, anything that you think is really important, you have to think how it makes you feel inside. It's hard to explain. I want to say that it's a feeling you get inside, warm and comforting if it is right for you, and if it isn't right for you, it'll be cold and detached, like your body wants to get rid of it."

Ellie nestled against Joel. "When we were walking home, that night, I remembered that line. I closed my eyes and asked myself how I felt about you, as someone to be together with. I looked for the answer with my heart. There never was a doubt. I knew, in my heart, that I wanted to be together with you, forever and ever. That's when I told you how I felt. I knew you felt that way, too. It just seemed I could see what your heart was thinking."

Joel nodded. "My heart, and me, we were thinking that I loved you more than anything in this world. I wanted to be with you, always."

Ellie kissed him softly. "You taste like huckleberries," she giggled.

"I'd like to read 'The Little Prince'." Joel said.

"I think you'd like it. I'll put it on the shelf."

"Riley sound like she was a wonderful person. Tell me more about her."

"I will, but only if you tell me about Sarah."

"It's a deal."

"I met Riley right after I came to Boston. She saved me from these asshole kids that wanted to steal my stuff. We'd leave the school at night, and she showed me around. She introduced me to Winston, the solder that taught me how to ride a horse, and we ran into Marlene and the Fireflies. One day she left for six weeks. She didn't say 'goodbye' and I didn't know if she was alive or dead. She went to join the Fireflies. Then, one night, she came back, like nothing had happened. I wanted so much to be angry with her, but I couldn't." Ellie paused.

"That's how you feel when you really like someone," Joel said.

"We went back to the abandoned mall. I heard that Winston died. The little tent where he lived was still there, and Princess' saddle, too."

"Princess was his horse? The horse you learned to ride on?"

Ellie nodded. "We don't know what happened to her. I'd like to think that she's in some pasture somewhere, away from everything." Ellie paused for a minute, and then continued. "The reason Riley came back was to tell me she was going away with the Fireflies. I told her 'don't go'." Ellie paused for several seconds. "Riley looked at me, and then she pulled her Firefly pendant off her neck and threw it down. She was going to leave the Fireflies and stay with me. That was when the runners came, and Riley and I were bitten."

Joel wiped a tear away that was slowly rolling down Ellie's cheek.

Ellie took Joel's hand and held it. "I knew that I loved her, that I would always love her and she would always love me. The next thing I knew, she was gone. I cried and I was angry, because no one would ever love me and care for me again. But then, I met you, and saw how you felt about me. When I told you how my heart felt when I realized I loved you and wanted to be with you forever, I'd like to think part of that good feeling was Riley - that she was happy for me."

"I think she was." Joel said. "I believe that people we love still watch over us, wherever they are."

"When she was gone for six weeks, now that I think about it, maybe it was a good thing - not because she was gone, because I really did miss her - but that was when I helped the doctors at the clinic. If I didn't do that, I may not ever have realized I wanted to be a doctor."

"I got something out of it, too. You saved my life." Joel said.

"You said you remember me, beside you, holding you, in the basement of that house." Ellie said. "Do you remember anything before?"

"I remember falling off Callus, and then I blacked out. Everything else, until I woke up and started looking for you, is fuzzy - like a dream."

"Do you want to know what happened in between?"

"Not if it means you having to think about all of the awful -"

"It's not. It happened, but you happened, too. Nothing scares me when I'm with you."

"Me, too." Joel said.

"Like you're scared of anything." Ellie said, smiling.

"I don't know. Scorpions scare the shit out of me."

"Yeah. They're creepy as fuck. Tell you what. If we see one, we'll get Maria to kill it."

"Sounds good to me."

Ellie continued. "After you fell off, I couldn't wake you up. So I cut some branches with the machete and used rope to make a sled. I got you on it, and went looking for shelter. I knew I needed to get you out of the cold, and the closest place by was this mall. I put you and Callus in this ice cream shop and went looking for a first aid kit. An army helicopter crashed in the mall, and when I checked it out, I found a first-aid kit with sutures. When I went to go back to you, some more of those sub-humans found my tracks and were looking for us."

Joel slowly shook his head. "I hope they suffered."

"Worse. Infected got most of them. I sneaked around and stayed quiet, and if I knew the infected were around, I'd throw a brick or bottle near those assholes, and draw the infected to them. Then I just sat back and let them kill each other."

"That was smart."

"After all of them were killed, I sewed you up. We left, and then I found the house where you woke up. I hunted and found some food, and was able to make soup for you. You were awake enough to swallow a little bit. The next time I went out, I killed a deer. That was when I met - them. They had antibiotics, so I traded the deer for antibiotics. They knew it was us at the university, and they just wanted you." Ellie paused for a minute. "I wasn't going to tell them where you were, and I left with the antibiotics. When I came back to give them to you, they must have followed my tracks. The next morning, I heard them in the street and left before they found you. I stayed hidden for a while, trying to circle back to get back to you. They found me, though. If they couldn't get you, they were going to kill me. I got away and ended up in that restaurant that was burning down. That was when you found me."

Joel hugged her close. "Oh, Ellie. That was - I don't know if there's a person that's ever lived that could have done the things you did, be as strong as you were."

Ellie hugged him back. "Just knowing that you would wake up, get better and be with me again, that kept me going."

They leaned back against a rock and kissed for a while. Ellie nestled against him and spoke. "Now tell me about Sarah."

"Sarah was born when I was a senior in high school. Her mother and I were both seventeen, and seniors. She died in a car crash when Sarah was three."

"Joel, I'm so sorry."

Joel paused. "I don't know if I ever really loved her, though. We were just out on a date when she got pregnant, and after Sarah was born, well, I didn't want to be one of those fathers who abandon their child. She understood it, too, and I don't know if she ever really loved me. We stayed together for Sarah's sake. I guess we'd figure it out somewhere along the way, but, it turns out we didn't have to. So, I raised Sarah with a lot of help from Tommy."

"So what was she like?"

"She was a handful for the first years after she learned to walk. It seems like that as soon as she learned to walk, she learned to run. When she was about four, I fussed at her for kicking a basketball in the house. Tommy said 'if she loves kicking things so much, why not see if she likes soccer.' Just a few years later, I remember her telling me she was going to be the youngest player ever on the U.S. Olympic soccer team."

"The Olympics? Is that where all the nations got together to play sports? I remember reading about that in history books."

Joel nodded. "She probably would have been good enough. When she was ten, the summer before the outbreak, the league made her play with the thirteen-to-fifteen year old girls, because she was so much better than girls her age. She won the most valuable player trophy over girls who were years older than her." Joel allowed himself a small smile, thinking of how proud he was of his daughter.

"Did she like anything else besides soccer?"

"She liked being with her friends. She was getting that age where she started hanging out with her friends, doing sleepovers, and things like that. One night, some of her friends had a sleepover at my house. About midnight, they decided to take turns playing her guitar. She was the only one that knew how to play, and she tried to teach them. I tried to sleep, but ended up going downstairs and sleeping on the couch."

"Why didn't you tell them to stop?"

"I probably should have. Tommy always said I was too lenient with her - that I needed to put my foot down more often and harder than I did. He didn't have any children, so he thought he'd give me tips. He was probably right. I like to think I did the best I could, being the only parent she had."

"It sounds like you did. You never thought about getting married again?"

"Not really. I was too busy. Sarah started school about a month before the outbreak, and she was telling me things like there was a cute teacher she had and that I should meet her. In fact that was the week before -" Joel paused.

Ellie hugged him close. "It's okay Joel. You don't have to tell me. I know what happened."

Joel looked at Ellie. "I never told anyone what happened that night. I thought if I never did, one day I wouldn't remember it anymore. I need to be strong and tell it. Ellie, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. You know what I see when I look into those eyes? I see someone brave and strong enough to tell me about things that happened to you that would break most people into a million pieces. I'd like to think I'm that strong, too." Joel picked up the canteen and offered it to Ellie, who drank. Joel drank after her, and then continued.

"The night of the outbreak, it was my birthday, September 27th. Sarah gave me this watch." Joel held up his wrist. "Later that evening, I woke up, hearing sirens and screaming. I went outside and found my neighbor, who was infected, and I had to kill him. Sarah woke up, and Tommy came to check on us, too. We left, but I don't know that we knew where we were going. Everything was chaos. Infected were pulling people out of the cars and everyone was panicking. A car slammed into us, and we just ran. Sarah hurt her leg in the wreck and I was carrying her. We ran into an army checkpoint. A soldier told us to stay where we were, then he raised his rifle and fired. He killed Sarah, and then went to kill me. Tommy shot him. We buried Sarah and made our way out of the city." Joel paused. "I never thought I'd feel anything for another human being ever again. That was why, the first time we came to Jackson, I asked Tommy to take you to the Fireflies. I saw Tommy, and the all the hurt came back, from losing Sarah. I realized, for the first time in twenty years, I did care for someone, really cared if they lived or died. If I was with you, and you died, I didn't know if I could bear that hurt again."

Ellie squeezed his hand. "Why did you change your mind?"

"Because of what you said in the ranch house. You said that the people in your life, the ones you thought you could count on, told you 'sorry, Ellie, I can't be bothered with you. I've got to leave'. You told me that I was the only person that stayed. You felt safe with me. I didn't know that. I didn't know how much faith you put in me. On the way back to Jackson, I was thinking. Do you remember, back in Pittsburgh, when we were running from the armored jeep with Henry and Sam?"

"I remember." Ellie said.

"It was ramming through the wall. Henry and Sam were up on the truck and I lifted you up to the ladder and you climbed up."

"The ladder broke when you went to climb up. Henry and Sam ditched us."

Joel stroked Ellie's hand. "You were up there with them, safe. Henry was a fighter. You knew that. He could have taken you to the Fireflies. Instead, you jumped down to me, put yourself back in danger, and said 'we stick together'. You didn't leave me, and when that moment came back to me, I realized I couldn't leave you. I love you, Ellie. I'll love you forever." Joel reached for Ellie and she embraced him in a hug.

"I love you, Joel. When the world ends in thirteen billion years, I'll still love you. That night, in Jackson, when you told me the truth about St. Mary's, and I left, I talked to Tommy. He told me something, and he wasn't the only one. He said he could see in your eyes how much you loved me. Other people have said the same thing. I hope that when Tommy and everyone else look into my eyes, they can see how much I love you."

They held each other and watched the clouds. Joel looked at Ellie. "We've been together, traveling, about a year, and I never asked about your birthday. Did you have one and I missed it?" Joel asked.

"I didn't know the exact day, so I just call September 21 my birthday."

"Is there something special about that date?"

"It's around the fall equinox. I liked reading about how people used to use the sun and the seasons to set their calendars."

"Like Stonehenge?" Joel asked.

"How do you know about Stonehenge?" Ellie asked.

"I might have read a book or two, maybe even paid attention in school."

"So we have birthdays close together." Ellie said. "But it doesn't seem right to celebrate them, because such an awful thing happened on yours."

"It's okay, Ellie. There are a lot of good memories, memories of Sarah, the things we did that I haven't thought about in a long time. It would be nice to share those."

"I think Sarah would like that." Ellie said.

The shadows lengthened as the sun moved lower in the sky. Joel and Ellie packed up their supplies and rode back to Jackson. After taking care of the horses, and as they waked home, Joel and Ellie saw something leaning against the porch of their small house. It was a pallet. A note was stuck to the top.

Ellie pulled it off and unfolded it. It read: Congratulations to our newest swimmer. No more pallets.

Ellie and Joel looked at each other and hugged.

"No more pallets indeed." Ellie said.

A/N: Quotation from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry (1943)