Another short chapter fuelled by stubbornness and stubbornness alone... It's kinda sad... I remember so clearly the good old days when the words for this story just came to my and my fingers raced across the keyboard... sigh...

I hope you enjoy. The story is finally getting a bit of a move on, preparing to the complete 180 I am intending. Though I don't think the things I have planned will come as a complete surprise...

Never mind my rambling, just read and review!

Gundampilot03: Thanks for the review, I hope I can keep you interested even though there won't be much Trowa-action in it (from your name I assume he is your fav ;))

Airezi: Yeah he ain't the pick of the litter, but we love him no matter what, right? Glad you like. Mucho grazie for not one but TWO reviews!

Snowdragonct: Geez, I didn't want you to hate him, but I didn't intend for you guys to like him either! Man this is tough ;). Thanks for your very flattering review (you make me blush) even though I beg to differ: 'genius' goes a little (that is code for 'way too') far ;). So no ideas huh? Guess I'm on my own then... still, if anything comes to mind, please: help me! 8)

Pikeebo: don't worry, things aren't all what they seem. Please keep reading, you might be pleasantly surprised (we can only hope, ne?)

Goddess of Ravens Blood: Why, thank you ;) I certainly intend to ('keep up the good work')

No beta's no re-reads. I don't leave it like that because I hate you, quite contrary. For some reason I find nothing as boring as reading the very words I wrote myself. Atleast not for a fortyeight hour period and I figure it'd be unfair to keep you waiting for so long (I refuse to even consider the third option: forcing myself to beta it. Yes, I guess I'm just selfish like that ;)). All I can advise you is to read the chapter sentence by sentence, not letter by letter ;)

ADOPTING DUO

Chapter twelve

I am a proud person.

After the life I've led, there is not much left for me. Everything fate handed to me I have shattered in my hands, which were too rough and broke the fragile fortunes handed to me.

I've lost my friends.

I've lost my wife.

I've lost my daughter.

I've lost my house.

I've lost my life.

I've lost my happiness.

I've lost my strength.

I've lost my sanity.

But what I did not lose, and now frantically hold on to, is my pride. Though I fear that this too will break if I clutch it too tightly in my calloused hands. But it's all I've got left and I can't risk letting it slip away. I can't risk breaking it myself, or have someone else break it. Pride is all I've got left. When pride is gone, what am I? What am I but an empty shell?

So, with one hand balled into a fist, keeping a tight hold on my last shreds of pride I use my other hand to roughly push Heero away, despite the fact that he had just been trying to help me. But he wasn't helping. He rubbing my back in soothing circles, wasn't soothing. Him speaking soft kind words to me, wasn't kind. His hands, equally rough as mine were gripping at my pride. Gripping and pulling. He was so strong, there was nothing I could do but let go.

I leaned forward and emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet seat I was crouched in front of and had been for several moments, with my balled fist pressed against my sore, nauseous, churning stomach.

Heero didn't try to touch me again, but he didn't leave either. He just watched, in silence. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. There is just soemthing about him that makes him... unhateble. Even when he is quietly glaring at you as you retch and hurl and make yourself a disgusting sight to see. And Heero just watched. Like he always did. He always just looked at me, during the moments I wanted most to be unseen. My moments of weakness...

There used to be so few.

Now there are so many.

'Take a picture.' I groand out and sit back, flushing the toilet. 'It'll last longer.' Or so I hoped. I waited a few moments, sitting quietly on the white tiles. Certain there was nothing left to rise up through my throat I crawled to the wall and leaned my back and head against it and placed my hands on the cool tiles.

Finally, I dare to crack my eyes open, just a little bit, but enough to confirm what I suspected. Heero was still standing there, glaring at me. Unlike before, there was no sympathy, just anger and judgement.

'Did you drink?'

Ah... I was wondering when he'd finally found the appropriate moment to pop the question he hadbeen dying to ask ever since my face turned pale during dinner.

I can't verbally answer him, so I settle for shaking my head.

Heero sighs and looks away. 'I don't believe you.'

I nod. I understood what he meant. I didn't exactly have a reputation that commanded trust. 'I'm just sick. I didn't drink.' I was telling the truth, but there was no way to make him believe it. It hurt me, but I had no right to act perturbed. I've called this apon myself. I was as much responsible for the way people saw me as I am for the way my life turned out. 100.

Heero doesn't ask more questions, because he doesn't expect honest answer. He just walks over to the sink and pours a glass of water, which he hands to me.

I accept gratefully and with a crooked smile. I must be looking like hell right now. Pale face, blue lips, black rings under the eyes, but still Heero didn't seem to be looking at me any differently, as if he was blind to what time has done to my face. It was this blindness to how much he had changed, that would cost him dearly some day. I didn't know how, or when, but it was a feeling in my gut and my gut was never wrong.

To my surprise, he sists down next to me on the floor, leaning his head back, looking up at the ceiling. His legs spread out in front of him, taking up more space than you'd imagine such a short person could.

I put the glass away. I had only taken a sip or two, but I knew more would not do my nausea any good. 'I didn't drink Heero, I swear.'

'I know...'

I smile. I hadn't gone out to buy alcohol and all the bottles in the cabinet in the study were accounted for. He knew that, I knew that. That didn't make his former statement any less untrue though. He just couldn't deny the facts. He would most likelt never take my word for it. And he shouldn't.

'I'm sorry I ruined dinner.'

Heero shake shis head and rises. 'Dinner was already ruined.' He states and then leaves the bathroom.

I listen as he walks downstairs and hear him going outside through the double backdoor.

I knew what he referred to. Ben had been called right before dinner was served, which I had cooked together with Heero. Not because I wanted to. Not because he wanted to. It just felt like soemthing I had to do, make myself more useful and less of a leach. Anyway, Ben was called to fill in again. I didn't know why he was called so often and why he always accepted, but I figured Heero would tell me when the time was right. That, or I will know.

It never even crossed my mind that Ben was cheating on Heero. It was simply impossible. He knew better than that. He was smart enough to know what a good thing he had going on here.

After a while I follow Heero downstairs. I dodn't know why. I certainly didn't really want to talk or even be in his presence. I guess it was just another thing I had to do. To ease my concience. I figured while I was hear, I may as well fic some mistakes made in the past. To start I would get Heero's forgiveness. I didn't deserve it, but I had to have it in order to live on. Heero didn't think there was anything for him to forgive, that was something I had to fix too.

Outside it was freezing. The sun had long set and Joliet was covered with a blanket of cold air that had crept in quickly as soon as the last rays of sunshine disappeared behind the infinite horizon. My footsteps sounded hollow on the large back porch that looked out over the beautiful garden, complete with a pond full of fish. When I lay in bed at night I could hear them splashing around, as well as frogs calling out and the wind rustling the trees. Other than that, this town was quiet, much to my surprise. The large roads were too far off for the traffic to be heard and in a quiet neighbourhead like this there were no loud, drunking people roaming the sidewalks and no speeding cars rushing through the streets.

It was too dark to see the garden now, to see the beautiful variation of many flowers planted to look natural, unlike most 'designer gardens' nowadays with straight lines and sharp corners that could all be analysed in a mathemetical formula.

I hate math.

The only lights burning is the one on the outer wall next to the double door and a few submerged lights in the pond, but it was enough for me to see Heero, standing clearly in the light, leaning against the wall, one leg bent at the knee, his foot pressed against the wall.

I frowned as I saw smoke coming from his righthand, that was obscured from my sight by Heero's torso. When he brought his hand up to his face, it made me frown even deeper.

Heero took the cigarette into his mouth and inhaled lengthily, then, he let his arm drop by his side once more, hiding the cigarette from view.

'That stuff will kill ya, ta know.'

He slowly turned his head to look at me and said dead serious: 'So will drinking.'

His remark was like acid biting my skin, but I deserved it and so much more. 'I guess you and I both are guilty to succumbing to the forbidden pleasures.' I lean against the wall next to him. Without asking I grab the cigarette from his hand and bring it to my own lips. He doesn't object. 'Did you know WuFei smokes?' I breathe out, along with a cloud of nicotine smoke.

'He did.'

'He stopped? When?'

'During my coma.'

I fall silent. This is the first time he has mentioned it. And I sure as hell haven't broight it up either. It was like we were playing the game 'forbidden word' and we had been avoiding the use of many words. "Coma", "Death", "Marriage", "War" and "We" or "Us" were just a few examples. So many words were forbidden, it was no wonder we had yet to have a decent conversation, even though today was my three week aniversary here with the Kennards. I had been feeling pretty sick and neauseous for the past two of them, but I refused to see a docter and Heero didn't force me to. We both knew what the problem was. My body had grown so used to alcohol, it needed it and now that it wasn't supplied with what it was needed, it was showing withdrawl syndroms. It made staying clean even harder, but I was somewhat determined. I had no problem hurting myself or disappointing myself. I didn't even care it could become the detah of me. But giving in to the temptation would hurt and disappoint Heero more than I and I just couldn't that. Not again. For as long as I could, I'd do my best to protect him from myself.

'Give that back.' Heero says, breaking the silence, as he reaches for the cigarette I had yet to return to him.

I stretch my arm and hold it high into the air. 'Uh uh.'

Being the adult one, Heero doesn't jump up or anything to try and fight my height. Instead he simply reached into the pocket of his jacket and took out a package of cigarette's, taking one out, slipping it in between his lips and lighting it, cupping the flame with his other hand. Once he had the lit cigarette in between his lips he turns and faces me with a stubborn, defiant look.

I couldn't help but laugh. It started out as a soft chuckle, but then burst into laughter.

Heero returned with a smile and leaned back against the wall, inhaling the smoke. It really appeared to have a great effect on him.

'Does Ben know?'

'I'm sure he does. I can't imagine he doesn't smell it.'

When he lies next to you in bed.

'Or doesn't taste it.'

When he kisses you.

I was no longer in the mood for laughters. The corners of my mouth curled downward again.

Though Heero was right and Ben probably knew about his husband smoking, he essentially admitted that he had never verbally told him so. Does that count as keeping it a secret? Just like Ben had asked me to keep my attempted getaway a secret?

I look at Heero, who stares up into the night. For a couple that seems so perfect, I muse, they sure have a lot of secrets...

'What happened to Hilde?'

"Hilde" another one of the forbidden words. 'It's cold. I'm going back inside.' I pushed the cigarette out against the wall, but didn't throw it onto the ground. Instead, I took the butt in with me and threw it in the garbage bag.

I headed back upstairs. Heero followed me and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. I didn't look back, but answered his casually asked question: 'Is she okay?'

I shrug and respond: 'She's fine. Doing better than me at least.' I disappear into my room. Heero and I wouldn't be speaking for the rest of the night.

The next morning came to soon, but atleast my stomach felt better, but I did feel a bit dizzy. I was still sweating like a pig though. No matter how cold the nights were, the back of my shirt my drenched.

Luckily the stench of my own sweat could easily be washed off with a long hot shower and a nice cologne would cover up the scent I'd be giving off for the rest of the day.

It wasn't till I re-entered the bedroom part of my quarters when I saw it was only eight o'clock. Up till know I had always woken up at around eleven, so when I woke up today I hadn't even bothered to check the time. The early hour surprised me and I was tempted to crawl back into bed, but there was no reason to now. I was wide awake, the shower had made sure of that and since I was already dressed, I might as wel make the best of the day.

And what a long day would it be...

Today was June the twentieth.

I don't really have anything to say...

That's a first.

Love,

Crimson.