Dear all of those who called me a fuck wit, threatened to report me and said I should feel bad for inflicting my stories on the world I'm going to quote some Disney at your asses. If you can't say anything nice don't say nothing at all. Am I physically stood there with a gun forcing you to read my stories? No I am not. There is this magical thing called closing the story, if you don't like it don't read it. Simple as. I've tried to be polite and be the bigger person but it's getting to the point where I'm debating just abandoning all my stories just to get away from the unnecessary abuse I get. You have no right to make someone give up on something and while I realise it is just a fanfiction I am not the sort of person who can bounce back easily when people treat me like this. So just do me one favour if you are literally only here to read this to piss yourself off further and then bitch to me about it close the fucking story! Thanks

…

Another week had passed but Nitori felt like a background character in his own life. It was almost as if he were watching someone else take his place, screaming furiously, watching the character in front of him continued on regardless, as if he could not hear his protests.

He stared down at his English homework in confusion, he knew he couldn't do this and Rin knew too if the way he was poised and ready to offer his help. But then they both remembered that they weren't supposed to interact, that as of last week Nitori had effectively terminated their friendship.

It was a stupid decision and in every moment since then Nitori greatly regretted it. More than anything he wanted to throw his arms around Rin and beg for his forgiveness, beg him to take him back.

But he knew he never would, he knew it would only create more problems than it solved.

He tried to focus on his work but the words slowly began to blur in front of his eyes, jumbling together until all he could think about was last night.

Kai's breath had been hot against his neck, panting harshly as he forced his way inside. Lewd whispers into his ear, you like this don't you repeated over and over. Despite protests Kai never stopped, thrusting and thrusting until he roared and released inside him.

Why couldn't he make this work? Was he just not destined to be in a relationship? Be with someone else completely. He wanted to love Kai, he knew the other boy loved him, yet there was always something stopping him and no matter what Nitori did, he couldn't get past it.

He shifted awkwardly in his chair, wincing slightly as pain pulsed through him. His body ached, both physically and mentally, when he slept his mind was assaulted with everything he refused to think about during the day.

Abruptly, Nitori pushed himself away from his table, hissing as he stood up. He could see Rin itching to talk to him, to comfort him but he forced himself to stare forward, pretend that the blank wall in front of him was immensely fascinating.

Nitori opened his mouth to announce his departure before snapping his jaw closed, it didn't matter to Rin anymore. They didn't have that kind of relationship, they could come and go as they pleased without regard of the other.

Nitori bolted towards the door, running from the room without a second glance at Rin, pulling the door shut with force.

Rin jumped slightly as the bang echoed throughout the room. He was tempted to follow after him but he knew that was no longer his place. Nitori no longer needed him.

…

Nitori didn't know where he was running to but he knew he needed air, needed space, needed to think. He pumped his legs until he was alone, far from any of the other students that littered the campus.

With a gasp, he fell to his knees, vision blurred by the tears that threatened to fall. He dug his fingers into the mud before him, squeezing hard as he screamed.

Loud and long. Releasing everything that had built up inside him.

He hated himself, he didn't deserve to be here when everything he touched fell to pieces. Rin wanted nothing more to do with him. Kai would soon grow tired of him. Seijuro had even given up trying to force him to attend practice.

He moved his hands from the mud, gripping tightly at his own thighs so that his nails dug in deep.

Eventually, nobody would need him. Nobody would want him. And slowly he was beginning to feel that way towards himself. Who would care if he disappeared?

Bringing his hands up, he slowly dragged his nails across his wrists, watching with satisfaction as four red stripes bloomed on his pale skin.

When did this become his life? When did the feeling of pain become the only thing that proved he was alive? His days were long and numb but times like this he felt something, even if it wasn't a good something it was a feeling nonetheless.

…

Rin slowly grew tired of moping and waiting for Nitori to return. He decided to head out too. To do something that would take his mind off his roommate, the one person he cared for more than any other but in return they cast him aside like he didn't matter.

With a deep growl, he forced his feet into his running shoes, he needed to clear his head, he needed to get over Nitori. It was only going to end up hurting him more.

He calmly walked out the building, sighing in content as he felt the night air caress and nip at his skin. He loved the chill and the wind, it felt as if it washed away his problems, blowing at them until they no longer mattered. Least for a moment or two.

He set off running, taking his usual route down the darkened path, to the outskirts of the campus where very few students ventured.

As he ran, a strangled sob caused him to freeze in his tracks, a cry that he unfortunately knew too well.

He turned to walk towards Nitori but stopped himself. This wasn't his domain anymore, the boy would have to learn to survive alone.

Instead, he pushed himself until his thoughts ceased to exist and all he could hear was his beating heart, his rushing blood and his pounding feet.

…

Breathlessly, Rin walked back to his dorm. He had really overdone it this time and stupidly gone without a drink. He swallowed thickly when he noticed Nitori sat in the exact position he had left him in. Despite it having been over an hour he hadn't moved at all.

Against his better judgement, Rin walked over to him and softly sat beside him.

Nitori was shaking, his wrists red and raw, his cheeks stained and eyes sore. Rin reached over and gently uncurled his fists and brushed off the dry mud.

"Ai." Rin whispered.

That was all it took, after hearing Rin's voice again after one long week Nitori snapped. He threw himself forward, tightly wrapping his arms around Rin's neck and burying his head deep in his neck.

Nitori inhaled deeply as he felt arms tightening around his waist, he felt safe and content again. Sobs racked through his whole body as he clung desperately to Rin, never wanting to let go again.

"Sh, it's okay." Rin soothed, rubbing Nitori's back.

"It was meant to make it better." He cried.

"What was?" He asked.

"Not being with you anymore." He said, tightening his hold as if the reminder would cause Rin to push him away. "Things were meant to be okay but they aren't."

"Is he still hurting you?"

"He wasn't." Nitori shook his head, his hair tickling Rin's neck. "Not until last night."

"What happened?" Rin questioned, stiffening slightly at what was to come.

"We were in his room and he wanted to have sex and I didn't want to senpai, I really didn't want to." He wept.

Rin cradled Nitori's head as he felt tears seep into his clothes, last time this had happened he had been there to stop Kai. But he'd let his own pride get in the way and Nitori had fallen by the wayside, when he needed him the most he had left him.

"I'm sorry." Rin apologised. "I'm sorry I let this happen to you."

"It's not your fault." He reassured, pressing a soft kiss against Rin's neck.

He wasn't sure what made him do it, but judging by Rin's lack of response it hadn't been appreciated. Nitori wasn't sure what he expected or wanted in reply, did he want him to have cupped his face and passionately kiss him. Or did he want him to push him off and remind him exactly what he was worth to others?

"We should head back." Rin coughed.

"Okay." Nitori agreed, reluctantly letting go of the other boy.

Once they both stood up, Nitori latched on again, tightly wrapping himself around Rin's arm. As they got closer to the dorms a few people gave them strange looks but Nitori found he didn't care. He felt as if he couldn't stand on his own, his legs wobbled under his weight, he felt weak. Rin seemed unaffected too, letting Nitori soak up his warmth as cold fingers gripped at his skin.

…

Nitori sat alone on Rin's bed, his senpai having gone to get some food and drinks from the vending machines down the corridor. Originally he wanted to go with him but Rin had insisted he stay behind, wrapped up in the blanket Rin kept in the bottom of his cupboard.

He couldn't explain his sudden need to be close to Rin, he hated how clingy he was being, but there was a feeling inside himself that he only got around the other boy. He wanted to hold onto it because he knew this time tomorrow it would be gone again.

"Here you go," Rin said, arriving back in the room with his arms full.

Nitori smiled slightly as he saw the variety of chocolates and candies, he did always have a sweet tooth.

"I didn't know what you wanted so…"

"So you got me everything."" Nitori finished for him.

"Something like that." He admitted sheepishly.

"You don't have to do all these things for me. I'm not worth it." He said, dropping his gaze to his lap, nervously wringing out his fingers.

"Well that's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." Rin scoffed, sitting down next to him.

Silently, Nitori dug into a chocolate bar, losing himself in the nutty, creamy taste. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten something substantial, just quick snacks between classes and seeing Kai.

"We should probably head down for dinner at some point, it's been a while since I've seen you there." Rin said meaningfully.

He had doubted anyone else noticed his sudden lack of appetite but Rin proved him wrong again. Just when he thought he understood Rin, the other guy he floored him.

"I've been busy." He offered lamely, the pair falling into silence again.

It was strange. After a week of nothing you would have thought there was so much to share between them but nothing came. It was almost as if the weight of everything was so much, so strong that neither one could think of anything to say.

"I feel like we're going around in circles." Rin finally said.

"What do you mean?" Nitori asked.

"It's just this never ending cycle. He hurts you, you break, I comfort you, I fix you then you go back to him." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"Senpai, please don't." He shook his head, he knew it was pitiful but he didn't need to be reminded.

"No, you need to hear this. You need to understand how frustrating this is. I can't keep sitting back and watch this." He admitted, he knew it was nowhere near as hard as it was for Nitori but it was still driving him for the edge.

"You wouldn't understand." He defended. "You've never been in love."

"Yes I have, because I'm god damn in love with you!" Rin shouted, not caring how Nitori flinched slightly at the change in volume.

Nitori scanned Rin's face, looking for a hint of a lie, for a hint of a joke but he couldn't find any. All he saw was a boy, fully exposed and vulnerable.

For the second time that evening, Nitori threw himself forward and onto Rin, lips pressed together in a kiss. It was desperate, it was needy, hands grabbed at each other and bodies pressed so close together they couldn't tell where either person began.

"We've been here before senpai." Nitori panted against Rin's lips.

"I know." Rin whispered back.

Shaking his head, Nitori moved back, curling into the corner as he tried to organise his thoughts. He needed space. He couldn't think straight around Rin, he did stupid things around Rin. He had a boyfriend; it shouldn't matter if someone else claimed to love him he shouldn't kiss them.

If Kai found out Nitori broke the trust again he would be disgusted. He'd hate him to the point that they'd struggle to salvage their relationship, but for the first time in a long time that didn't seem so bad.

But that was wrong; Kai loved him, and how could you leave someone who loved you? Who needed you to survive?

"You confuse me, this whole situation confuses me," Nitori groaned, pulling on his silver hair. "I just don't know what to do anymore."

"It's alright, calm down." Rin tried to reassure.

"It's not alright," He shouted, pushing away Rin's hands. "I don't know what I feel anymore, about you, about Kai. And I don't even know how you feel."

"I told you how I feel." Rin said.

"Yes but you're always so vague with it. I don't know if you love me like a friend or more." He complained. "I don't want to throw everything away over someone who just sees me as a brother."

He didn't want to go back to being alone, he'd spent his whole life alone and it had been torture. He'd never had close friends, only acquaintances who didn't care what he did from day to day. He needed to feel wanted, what value did he have if nobody wanted him?

"What does it matter?" Rin asked. "It's not about me, this is about you."

Nitori curled in on himself as he heard the worlds over and over in his head. He noticed there was no confirmation of his feelings, just a simple brush off. He may have cared about him but it wasn't at the same intensity as his own.

"No, don't do that." Rin snapped, practically reading his thoughts, "Don't leave him for me, leave him for you."

"It's not that easy." He shook his head.

"I know." Rin agreed. "I've never been in a situation like yours but I know it's not right, you shouldn't have to deal with this.

"Senpai, I'm scared." Nitori admitted quietly. "I'm scared of Kai, I'm scared that it won't be the end and it will only get worse. I'm scared of being alone."

"You'll never be alone." He shook his head, crawling across the bed so he was by Nitori's side again.

"You can't know that." He disagreed, letting Rin wrap his arms around his waist.

"I can because I know no matter what happens, no matter what you decide to do I will always be here for you." He whispered into Nitori's hair.

Quietly, Nitori curled against Rin's side, letting his senpai gently rock and sooth him. He supposed it was slightly patronising but right now it was what he needed, the comfort to help him sort his thoughts.

Rin was right, it wasn't about him, it wasn't really about Kai, it was about his happiness. And currently he was lacking that in his own life. Would he be unhappier if he was on his own, he wouldn't know unless he tried.

But what if he found he missed Kai? Would he be willing to take him back a second time or would he lose him forever?

But as he thought about the bruises littering his skin, the cuts that had bled with his pain, the assault to his body as Kai lost himself to pleasure. Maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing to happen.

"Thank you senpai." He mumbled, squeezing Rin around the middle.

…

Beta:Crack .Alchemist