Title: Welcome Home

Location: Queens New York, NY

Date: 3/12/2001

P O V: Jaz Khan

Helpless

Unable to defend myself or act without help, that's how I spent my whole childhood so why should today be any different? I could never count on my parents or my brothers a single day in my miserable life.

I've always managed till today just once I wish I could talk to my mother. I wish she would hold me kiss me or just talk to me, even hold my hand just so I would feel like she gave a damn, even for a few minutes.

You think any mother even a bad one would give anything to hold her child's hand when they were dying. There I said it. I'm 12 years old and I am dying.

I have to be there's no reason a kid could bleed for eight hours straight and not be on their death's door. So this is how death feels cold, shaky god I am so cold I had four blankets on my shivering body. I was wearing a sweatsuit plus a long sleeved shirt under it.

Painful my head was pounding my stomach ached all day I had been throwing up even now when it had been three hours since I last threw up my stomach still hurt, my back ached all over my legs ached, they cramped badly. Like I had been dancing across every skyscraper NYC had.

I wanted to tell my mom so many things my mouth felt dry sticky making it impossible to yell, movement seemed so hard but I had to try there was no way she'd hear me not over my music, for sure not over how loud my mom and brother were yelling at each other.

Slowly I swung my legs over the side of my bed not easy when my whole body hurt what would I say to her? How should I say it? I needed to plan this out, she'd chew me up otherwise.

Why couldn't she understand that just because we were different didn't mean we couldn't see eye to eye? She was old school traditional, submissive, quite. I was louder opinionated, I was diverse. Still I needed her, I always would, I needed that reassurance that no matter what I did or said I would be loved. I needed to know I would have someone to talk to. Someone I could pour my heart out to tell all my fears, secrets, without fear of judgment or opinions.

Washing out my mouth I brushed my teeth as I did I made a mental list of what I would say to her just like I did in school when preparing a report.

#1 Mom I know when I was born so in a way were you, I know you have your dreams for me, your values, I just want you to know that even though we have different visions, I love you & I respect you. Mom your beautiful to me.

#2 Mom I know being a mom is the highest paid job because it's pure love. That doesn't stop people from judging stay at home moms but I know you work harder than most people who have two jobs because you do it from the heart.

#3 Thank you Mom for all you do for me.

#4 I'm sorry for any inconvenience for every disobedience's any hurt I have ever caused you.

After cleaning myself up again I felt a wave of dizziness the bleeding was getting worse, I could see how pale I was, my face held no color, my eyes were bloodshot.

Coming into the living room slowly limping I hung onto the wall for support I saw my mom standing close to my little brother who's ten, Adib stood unfazed arms crossed eyes locked in a dead stare while our mom was in his face yelling. Adib had on his usual attire baggy jeans, boxers, baggy shirt and bandanna. I was too dizzy to comprehend what she was screaming about until she ripped his shirt off and I saw his back which now had a tattoo of a flying dragon on it.

So it was official now my little brother had passed his intonation into The Flying dragons one of the most deadliest street gangs in Queens. She was screaming while he stood glaring not hearing a word I should back up go back into my room and die peacefully forget this idea of talking to my mom. Nope I was never one to keep quite.

"Mom I need to talk to you"

"What is your problem Jasmine? Can't you hear? I am talking to your brother I don't need to talk to you nor do I want to talk to you, go back to your room and it better be clean!"

She grabbed my hand so hard I screamed in pain as she twisted it shoving me out of the living room, I lost my balance and fell flat on my face which just made her scream more.

"Clumsy and stupid why couldn't I be blessed with normal children? Ones I could be proud of not ashamed of!" Why God what did I do wrong?"

I pushed myself up rushing to my room tears clogging my chest slamming my door I locked it as I slide down hyperventilating. When would I ever find a home? Where would I find love? Acceptance support? Closing my eyes I let myself fall asleep, when I woke up it was darker. I felt sticker stiffer and dizzier.

Why did I feel so alone? So helpless? It's pretty messed up that a kid has to go through life like this. My heart was racing, was this death coming for me? Closing my eyes I was only out for a few minutes before my ringtone blared out.

This is the life

Everyone has to be somewhere

I am here

Testing a dream

The pressure of dreams is a killer

And it only gets harder"

Grabbing my cell took every last of my strength my vision was blurry with sleep and pain. Stephen was texting me.

"Yo Jaz R U AAK" ( Are you Alive and kicking?)

What should I say sorry I've been busy dying all day, or just tell him I am fine and let him hear about my death tomorrow like everyone else.

"ADL Boy" (All day Long) I sent back seconds later he replied "W2M? WAYN?" (Want to meet up? Where are you now?)

"Home U Stephen?"

"Same come over Jaz"

Standing my legs ached But I pushed myself up going to the window pulling the window open just as he came to his. Our buildings are so close we jump into each other's rooms all the time. Today the jump nearly killed me but he caught me his arms wrapped around my waist. I lid my head on his chest my body shaking.

"What's wrong Jaz?"

"Stephen I'm hemorrhaging"

"What?"

"How you were fine after we… I mean you said you were last night did you lie?"

Memories of last night instantly filed my brain as I closed my eyes feeling him stiffen.Last night we had been studying on his bed when he started kissing me I let him crawl on top of me wrapping my arms around his back as his fingers slide up my skirt and entered my private area I bit my lip from the pain, it hurt so bad but he promised me I would enjoy it.

"I was fine last night Stephen besides the pain, I didn't start to bleed until this morning"

"So it's not from?" He lifted my chin up with his fingers staring into my eyes which were leaking tears which he gently kissed away. I shock my head sinking into his arms. I could feel how scared he was to, he didn't want to get into trouble.

"I'm really scared Steve I don't know what to do or who to talk to"

"You need to be checked out Jaz"

"What no way!" My parents will flip out"

"This is serious Jaz"

"I know I'm the one bleeding"

He pulled away leaving me cold and scared as he raced out of the room, going over to his bed I pulled his fleece blanket over myself smelling his scent which helped ease me. He can't tell his parents his mom would call mine I would never be ungrounded.

"Jaz" I heard my name called lightly seeing Stephen's older sister Holly Jade standing over me she's sixteen three years older than Steve. My face flushed as I sat up she sat down next to me.

"Take a hike little bro this is girls stuff"

"Ew"

My face got redder as I pulled my hoodie up over my head I felt Holly touch my knee I always admired Holly she's beautiful, smart, super funny and talented, she's bold and unique. She marches to her own beat.

"Steve told me everything"

Everything? Dear god what kind of a slut did she think I am now? Hanging my head in shame I felt a few tears slide out. She brushed them away. When I looked up I saw she wasn't mad she was smiling a little amused.

"I'm sorry Holly I know we're too young I know we shouldn't have

I just I love him and he really wanted to"

"Jaz we will be having a serious talk about this after wards"

"I don't want to die Holly"

She laughed lightly I should be mad it wasn't funny I was in pain I was scared just because I am young doesn't make my pain any less serious than someone older.

"Your not dying babe your not even bleeding from what you did last night"

"Than why am I?"

"Babe your a women now you got your period"

"What?" She stroked my hair laughing "It happens to all of us at some point come here"

I followed her to the bathroom where my embarrassment kept rising as she showed me how to use a tampon and pad. How to keep track of my dates, than I got the talk and a handful of condoms with a be smart comment before she gave me aspirin and made me lie down.

Laying in Steve's arms that night I couldn't help but feel my whole life was changing, I couldn't stop it I was powerless helpless to stop my body from changing, my hormones from raging from the world from stopping to turn.

I knew even then I didn't do helpless or powerless well.