Chaos herself's note:

Uh, yeah...so this chapter is finally more to the (more serious) angsty/hurting side than humour. I thought, it's about time this story slowly lives up to the M rating. ^^; Thus, chapter 13 is full of my share on Hidan's insanity...

Hopefully, you enjoy this, also! :)

Chaos

...

Hidan was confused. What the fuck had gone wrong? As he was lying flat on the bloody wooden porch as if it was an Andrew's cross, he wondered.

One moment seemed like everything was perfectly fine, he even felt as if he was finally in heaven being able to stay so close to his God, his sins forgiven, the most holy blessing granted to him – the Lord had even allowed and encouraged him to touch Him, showed him He was real and within reach and He was fucking there to care unlike any other deity… and the other He suddenly slipped out of Hidan's grasp and was gone within the blink of an eye!

He had read the signs correctly this time, hadn't he? He had been careful not to overstep the boundaries of that fragile moment, even though the excitement had made him feel dizzy… So, why? Why the fucking bloody hell did Lord Shikamaru abandon him nonetheless, right when he felt the happiest in his life ever? What was this divine punishment out of the blue for?

The deity was strict about His commandments, but still Hidan did not estimate Him to be randomly cruel towards His follower.

The Shikamaruist groaned. Pure agony was flowing through his veins, cramping his heart and making his head swim in despair. The loneliness of abandonment struck him harder than he imagined and he was bleeding from inside out. This was no test or whatsoever, it was torture. And it was driving him nuts the longer he had to endure.

He knew that cursed feeling. A long time ago he suffered this very agony, which made him turn insane, until he learned how to fucking cope with it: Jashin taught him. First, Hidan would divert from his shrewd agony by creating a new, physical pain. He would bleed praying until the pain washed his anguish away letting it go numb; the warm crimson liquid was pooling around his body and his mind blissfully suffered from the blood loss as he was slipping in and out of consciousness. But that wasn't enough, it was never enough – neither to Jashin nor to erase the agony in his heart and soul!

Then, he learned how to share pain. He studied the rite, followed the ceremony and took his first sacrifice. Finally, the pain of his dying victim was great enough to veneer the crying of his heart for a brief moment! Hidan soon became addicted to sacrificing up to the point he relished the pain he felt with each death. Only much later, after thousands of deaths by his hands, he realized that the ceremony had extended his lifespan until he became practically immortal by the fatal curse. If he could not escape life anymore, he was damned to constantly numb his psychological agony by sharing physical pain and thus prolonged his torture even more. He was caught in a vicious circle. This awareness took the last bit of his fucking sanity that day.

Instinctively, his body had reacted according to his longtime routine as soon as the anguish of despair kicked in after Lord Shikamaru had left him. So, Hidan was lying there in the open, his bare body still moist from the shower, the big kitchen knife loosely in his grip, while he was waiting for the cuts to subside his raging agony.

He hadn't done that in a long time, there hadn't been much need to: the enlightenment on that fateful day had planted a fragile seed of hope inside, that had kept him strong enough to withstand until he dug himself up to follow his obscure God. His heart was pounding rapidly and his breath came out in sharp gasps. Hidan's vision started to blur due to blood and oxygen loss, but he knew he wouldn't die from that, even though he had turned his back on Jashin to convert to Shikamaruism. A slight sad chuckle escaped his lips as he knew he soon would hallucinate.

But the hoped-for ease of pain did not take effect like it should have.

Then it suddenly dawned on him, why the Lord exposed him to his most dreaded anguish of mind: he still had to atone for his sins he had committed in the name of a different god! Lord Shikamaru was still bringing down His vengeance for him killing that bearded dickhead years ago!

The soft chuckle bursting from his lips evolved into roars of insane laughter, bouncing from the walls and shaking his blood oozing body hard, until his eyes watered and his lungs were burning. Gasping bitterly for air Hidan still couldn't stop laughing, although hot tears were flowing down his cheeks like torrents. The sounds erupting from his scarred throat could not be distinct anymore: there were pained uncontrollable gasps, remorseful anguished groans, desperate roaring shouts, helpless manic conniptions, lonesome convulsive sobbing…

He hurt so much!

"Lord Shikamaru! Please, don't leave me…don't fucking do this to me anymore! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…oh, Lord! Make it go away…", Hidan whispered a bitter prayer in his delirious state, repeatedly banging his fists to the ground pleadingly. He couldn't bear it. He needed release, and he needed it now. Somehow, he managed to heave is protesting body up and dragged it along - where to, he didn't know, much less cared…

His mind was blank, numb with emotional pain, and his heavy step was sloppy from blood drainage. There was a weight in his hand and his blurred sight made it out to be something sharp and shiny, he could use…to kill the pain with. Instinctively, he located the sounds and movements of a living being close by. Repeated countless times' moves brought him closer, had him lift his aching blood dripping arm with the knife clenched tightly in his grip and throw himself at whoever crossed his path without thinking.

However, he did not recall if he actually hit his target, for his weakened body gave out beforehand, so he simply collapsed losing conscious as soon as he hit the floor.