My deep thanks to Kelcat to beta-ing this thing.
Love and gratitude to my readers, especially those who are re-reading the revisions!
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"The point of this appearance was to show that the Howes and the Wardens can be friends. It undermines the message if you look completely miserable in my company."
Nate looked up from the same pea he had been pushing around his plate for five minutes. "What?" Aleesa raised a brow in irritation. "Oh. Sorry. I'm...distracted."
"I know. And it's affecting your duties, so as Commander I get to butt in." Her irritation softened into concern. "Today, the two of you went up to your room grinning like small children with candy. What in the Maker's name happened?"
"I don't know if telling you will make it worse, if he'll be angry." What did it matter? Anders had moved on already. He was on the prowl back at their inn even as the nobles sat and talked. And what was there to move on from, anyway? It had ended before it started.
"If you were worried about making him angry, mocking him for his lowly social status was probably not a great move," Aleesa said.
Nate prickled. He did not need Aleesa to point out his mistakes to him. "I know. It was a stupid thing to say. I was just...angry."
"You were hurt. And you wanted him to be too," Aleesa interpreted.
"No. I wanted to think that I was able to hurt him, that he even cares." Nate briefly thought about the way Anders' smile had faltered, but shoved the thought away before it could give rise to more false hope.
"Will you tell me what happened?" His friend looked genuinely concerned.
Nate was bothered by her prying; then he laughed bitterly. "I want to say that it doesn't matter and I don't want to talk about it, but that's exactly what he said that upset me in the first place."
"Didn't want to talk about what?" she pushed.
Nate finally related the conversation. "I thought we were closer now...that he'd talk to me."
Aleesa nodded sympathetically. "Well I can answer the question he won't, but that's only half the solution."
Nate was surprised, and it must have shown on his face. Aleesa laughed. "I married a trained Templar. I know how they hunt mages." She explained about phylacteries, complete with a snide remark about Templar hypocrisy in using what is essentially blood magic.
"Also," she went on, "Anders said that they always sent the same Templar. I assume he meant Rylock. It would take more than a costume change for her not to recognize him."
They sat in silence while Nate tried to imagine someone being able to use his own blood to find him anywhere in Thedas. He thought about Rylock and how cruel she had seemed. He could not imagine that woman having control over him. To say that he would hate it would be a gross understatement.
"Do you remember Wynne?" Aleesa's voice interrupted his thoughts again. "The mage I used to travel with? We ran into her outside the Chantry some time back when she wanted us to find her plant-loving friend."
"I remember her."
"I sent the rest of you off on some task, so I could speak to her in private. I asked her about Anders. She hadn't been at the Tower in a while, but she knew who he was. She provided some insight." She paused to ensure Nathaniel was listening. He gave a little nod.
"He was known as a playboy," she began. Nate gave a bitter laugh, and Aleesa glared at him for the interruption.
"But despite being sexually popular, he had few real friends. He was viewed as a troublemaker who made things harder for the other mages. She said outside exercise was permanently cancelled after Anders dove into the lake and swam away. Many mages resented him for things like that, or they simply avoided him for fear the Templars would consider them trouble as well."
"Guilt by association." His tone was gentler now. Anders' constant references to his trysts in the Tower had fooled Nate into assuming the mage was well-liked in general.
"Exactly."
Nate processed her words. He realised that Anders was much the same way at Vigil's Keep. The servants and soldiers were more than happy to visit the mage for a good time, but Nate doubted that Anders actually confided in any of them.
Anders was friendly with his fellow Wardens, but Nate knew full well that those conversations were kept light-hearted. "His closest friend is that sodding cat!" he realised. "Of course Anders would choose a confidant who cannot challenge or pry."
"Or judge." he had to add. He thought of some of the things he had said to Anders and felt ashamed.
Nate then thought about his letters and visits with his sister, and conversations like this one with Aleesa. He could not imagine living without anyone to whom he could reveal his thoughts. He looked up at his friend's face and saw indecision and hesitation.
"Just tell me, Aleesa."
"Wynne also talked about solitary confinement. She said that after his third escape, they started sending him to solitary. He told me once that he did a year after his sixth escape."
"A year? He was locked away by himself for a year?" Nate thought about the few days he had spent in the cell at Vigil's Keep before his conscription. He could not imagine an entire year of being trapped and confined.
"I'm not sure if the 'by himself' part is the worst of it..." Aleesa was looking nervous as she continued.
"Wynne kind of talked around it. She hates speaking ill of the Circle. But she said something about the kinds of Templars who signed up for shifts in solitary. I got the feeling that some of the Templars may have...abused their power."
Nate's stomach began to feel uneasy as she spoke.
"Apparently there is little oversight down there. It's just some cells in the basement and there is usually only one mage at a time. Maybe I'm being morbid, maybe it's nothing, but I really hate the thought of a lone mage being left to the mercy of a Templar guard with no oversight."
Nate's imagination began to conjure images, and he felt nauseated. The mere possibility of Anders suffering such injustices made his blood boil such that he knew his cheeks were flushed under his pale skin. And then he remembered the way he himself had treated Anders only a couple of hours before, and he was suddenly cold.
"Sometimes we don't want to talk about things," Aleesa said gently, "because we don't want to remember them. It may have nothing to do with whether he trusts or cares for you."
Nate had plenty to think about as they finished their meal in silence. He forced himself to eat, although he had no appetite.
o o o
As they neared The Crown and Lion, Nate's pace slowed until he had stopped just in sight of the door. Aleesa raised an eyebrow in question.
"Remember how I told Anders to find someone else and use the room?"
"Which is not at all what you really want."
"I know, I know," he said testily. He had regret enough without her nagging. "But that doesn't mean it's not what he wants. I'm just... it's still early...what if he's in the stage before the room?"
"You don't want to walk in and see it."
He flinched.
"I'll be right back." She walked to the door and stepped inside. She was gone for several minutes, and his mind filled with multiple scenarios. Most of them started with her walking in to find Anders in the passionate embrace of a handsome man.
Aleesa reappeared in the dark street and walked over to him. As she neared, he saw that she was smiling.
"I just wanted to say 'goodnight'." She gave him a hug and a warm smile before turning to walk back to the tavern.
"Wait! What -?"
"Just come inside, and watch what you say this time," she said casually over her shoulder.
He was annoyed by the feeling that she was amused by his situation. He stepped into the inn and saw the flick of Aleesa's skirt as she retreated to her room on the floor above. He took in the entire room, including the familiar form of Anders sitting at a small table by the stairs.
He was alone!
Their eyes met, and they shared an awkward smile. It was all the invitation Nate needed. He sat down across from the mage and struggled to find a starting point.
"Did Aleesa talk to you?" he finally asked.
"She said, 'He's sorry, he cares about you, and neither of you will ever find a better man, so don't fuck this up.'" Anders' tone was dry. "It's such a shame that Mother Hen will never have chicks of her own."
Nate barked a laugh. "But she does have her own chicks. And with each Joining, she gets more."
The mage rolled his eyes, before Nate continued softly.
"It's true though. I am sorry, for prying, for getting angry, and for the stupid, mean things I said."
Anders gave a little smile. Then his impossibly soft hands picked up one of Nate's calloused ones, and he gently kissed the back.
"I was furious when you left," Anders started with a weary voice and a warning in his eyes, "and determined to follow your suggestion. I went straight to the bar and was excited when one of those guards started flirting with me."
He nodded toward a group of city guards sitting near the bar, but Nate did not need to look. He had already noticed the guard with short brown hair and bright blue eyes who rarely took his eyes from the mage. Nate had also noticed that the man was strikingly handsome. Jealousy rose in his chest, but he reminded himself that Anders was sitting with him and not the guard.
"He is quite a looker," Anders mused with an impish grin and a glance at the guard. Nate felt his stomach twist. "But..." Anders smiled faltered, "I kept thinking how his hair should be darker...longer; his eyes should be...greyer; his voice should..." Anders seemed to run out of words.
The mage sighed. "I thought about how you would feel when you found out. I thought maybe you wouldn't care, or maybe you'd get angry and call me names..."
Nate winced at the reference to his prior insults. He was not proud of himself.
"But then I thought maybe...you'd be...hurt."
The bowman nodded his head, barely breathing as he waited for the mage to continue.
"I realised that I was angry with you, but...I didn't really want to hurt you..."
Nate's eyes pricked with emotion. He lifted one of Anders' hands to his lips and kissed the back, just as the mage had done for him.
"Thank you," he managed, although the two words felt inadequate.
Relief flooded his chest as the haunting images of Anders with someone else faded away. He was still surprised at the intensity of his own jealousy. And he was scared by it, given the mage's history.
"So I ordered some of their sodding terrible tea," Anders continued, "and sat to wait for you. I wanted you to see that I am sober and alone. I'm not used to those things mattering, but I can tell they matter to you."
Nate nodded, gratitude in his eyes.
"And I'll even tell you how the blighted Templars find me."
Nate shook his head. "Aleesa explained. She told me...a lot of things. I'd never considered that you might be avoiding my questions because you didn't want to think about it. I'd always just thought that you didn't trust me."
"Sometimes it's not wanting to think about it," Anders agreed. "Sometimes it's having trouble believing that you, that anyone, would really care." He paused before giving a friendly glare and adding: "It's not easy for me to talk like this, so I hope you bloody appreciate it."
"I do," Nate said with a dry smile.
"I figured I'd give it a try." The mage's playful vitality was returning to his face and voice. "If I'd just told you about the blighted Templars when you asked, we would have had a much more...invigorating afternoon." He gave a flirty grin and winked.
"I missed you at dinner. I kept thinking about -" Soft fingertips at his lips cut Nate off.
"Let's say all is forgiven and move along. We've done more than enough talking and I've waited all day to have my way with you."
Anders took the other man by the hand and led him to their room.
o o o
As Nate turned the key to lock their door, he felt hot breath and firm kisses on the back of his neck. Anders' hands travelled from his shoulders to his hips and then around his waist. Nate rotated in the mage's arms, lifted his chin, and examined his features. He could not believe that this handsome man had chosen him. Even when Nate had shoved him away with hurtful words, the mage had waited for him. Perhaps all of his hopes were not so false after all. His chest and stomach filled with warmth.
He kissed Anders firmly on the lips, and when the mage's lips parted, the bowman plundered his mouth with his tongue. His hands ran through silky blond hair, which he pulled loose of its tie. He caressed the mage's ears and neck and jaw, smiling against Anders' lips as he savoured each sensation.
Anders' hands were unlacing Nate's breeches.
The mage kissed his way up Nate's jawline and tugged on his earlobe with his teeth. Nate pulled back to look at the amber-brown eyes that warmed his stomach, but Anders suddenly dropped to his knees in front of him.
Smooth, long fingers slipped into Nate's loosened breeches and freed his growing erection. He felt Anders' hands on his hips before a clever tongue ran along his length. The tongue teased and swirled along his tip, and then he felt himself enveloped in a warm, wet mouth. He groaned at the sensation of being sucked on so eagerly, and his fingers tightened amongst the mage's soft hair.
Nate looked down at his lover, willing a glance up, a glimpse of those amber eyes. But Anders did not look up. Nate stroked blond hair back and could see Anders frowning in concentration.
"Anders," he called softly.
The mage continued with his task.
Nate's body was torn between the heat in his groin and a gnawing feeling growing in his stomach. He was enjoying how Anders was making him feel, but he needed it to be something they were sharing. He wanted to see his mage, to press against him and feel the heat of his body. He wanted to make Anders moan with pleasure, to share his pleasure.
"Anders," he gasped, "I want...I want you..." He could not make his mind form a sentence while at the mercy of the other man's mouth.
Nate felt Anders flick his tongue along his erection as he slowly released it from his mouth. Then the mage looked up and gave him the glimpse of amber eyes he so desperately craved. Nate smiled.
Instead of standing, Anders turned in place onto hands and knees. He lowered his head to his hands and lifted his hips high in the air. He flipped up his own robes, and they slid up his back until they covered most of his head.
Nate pressed back against the wall, unnerved. All that was visible of the mage was smooth back, slim hips, and firm buttocks. He could be anyone, man or woman. He was an offering of submission, a body for whom the user could imagine any face, or none at all. The mage was silent and trembled slightly in anticipation.
Was this what Anders wanted: to be a faceless arse, fucked on the floor, by an equally-faceless cock? Or was this what he thought Nate wanted? Did he think Nate was some monster who wanted nothing more than to spill his seed as quickly as possible? His stomach twisted at the possibility that Anders might think such of him.
No, not after that afternoon. Anders knew Nate wanted more than a quick fuck. But, then why was he offering himself like a whore?
"Perhaps this is all he knows."
Unbidden came the thought of Templars without supervision. Nate imagined Anders alone in a cell, poised as he was, with a Templar approaching like a wolf. He forced himself from those thoughts before the Templar could act out the stories he had heard soldiers tell with cruel pride about their more vicious exploits with prisoners and whores.
His face was flushed with anger and his breathing grew ragged. Anders either did not notice or mistook the change in breathing for arousal.
"Stretch me first...please." The mage's voice was soft, but Nate heard the edge of pleading. "A plea not always heeded. One he is hesitant to even make..."
The anger and pain swelled within Nate until his eyes began to tear and his stomach fought with what he had forced himself to eat at dinner. His legs grew weak and he slid down the wall behind him to the floor. All arousal had left his body.
Anders sat back on his heels and looked over his shoulder.
"Nate! What's wrong? What did I do?"
Nate shook his head sadly. "You didn't do anything. Please. Please come here."
Anders crawled over and Nate engulfed him in strong, protective arms. He settled the mage into his lap and began stroking his hair softly with one hand. The other arm kept Anders pressed to his chest. He felt the mage nuzzle him comfortingly, and he kissed him gently on the head.
"You will never go back," he growled, speaking as much to himself as to Anders. "They will never touch you again." His voice was cold gravel.
Anders pulled away enough to look up at him. Large amber eyes were full of question and concern, and the sight of them filled Nate with a torrent of emotion. He kissed the mage gently on the brow.
"Remember when you wanted to kiss my troubles away?" Nate asked in a choked voice. "Now it's my turn."
Anders kissed him lightly on the lips.
"What troubles?" the mage asked with a reassuring smile. Nate did his best to return it.
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