Hey everyone! You guys have been so patient awesome; just thank you guys so much for the support! This chapter is a little darker. Just a warning. It's always darkest before the dawn. (I think I'm still in shock that The Office is actually over, maybe once I get my Season 9 DVD in the mail, I'll re live the ending we've all been fighting)
Chapter 12: Is There Really Light At The End Of The Tunnel?
"Jim" My voice makes room for no one. It was dark grey and black. No place for an artist. But I continue to let my footsteps lead me. Lead me to a place of unconventional things. Of darker things. "Jim?" I call again, hoping that his voice will be the light to my endless lifeless pathway. It was moments later and I still heard nothing. I was coming to the end of the road, a small light towards the end, pardon the metaphor, but it really was the light at the end of my tunnel. I was stepping on leaves and I kicked pebbles with the end of my shoes. What was happening? Why was I here? I heard a sound, almost like a large twig breaking in half. I looked up and I see it. I screamed.
A heavy noise woke me up from my nightmare, the image of the disturbed still rattled in my brain. I feel wetness on my cheek and realized that I had been crying. I wipe it off and look over to see Jim sleeping soundly behind me, arms faintly around me. I grab his hand cautiously, feeling the warmth spread through my fingertips. I slip out letting his hand fall. I close my eyes and the image comes back to me. I shake my head fighting tears opening my eyes to see him lying on the bed so graciously, you'd think he makes the word "home" feel like such an overestimated rumor. As I was fighting myself to climb back into the bed, the noise came again. I scrunch my eyebrows and find out it was the door that someone was behind. I walk out of the bedroom, closing the door lightly as I do, making my way to the front door. Into the peep hole there he was, Roy. I am quick to open it to stop the banging, but slow to recovery when I realized I had done so.
"Pam..." he voice filled with relief. "Roy" Pure professional manner, as if I hadn't spent the last nine years with him. He looks confused, but it is quick to vanish as he moves closer. "How are you? You haven't been returning my calls, I was worried." I look back at the closed door and decide to step outside. Roy moves back instantly. "I'm fine," trying to bring some step into my words. "Why haven't you answered the phone?" His calm gentle eyes rare to find, I step back and give us some air to breathe. "I've been busy." He takes a step forward. "I went upstairs to find you at work, but they said you had taken some leave time. And that you had fainted or something." I nod attempting to take everything in. "I was dehydrated." I complete my sentence with the last step towards the door, until his hand grabs me and pulls me close. "Baby, let me take care of you." In the corner of my eyes, I swore I saw the curtain move. I push away as the same image from before creeps back in. I shake my head. "Please stop Roy. We can't be together." I move inside. "Please Pam, it's you and me. It's us." It was a different feeling closing the door on something that you only knew for the last ten years of your life. I hear him right outside the door. Something that gave me chills. "Don't I deserve better than that?"
I closed my eyes and the image hit me again for the fourth time that morning. I'm crushed I fall to the floor in a heap. Roy's voice ricocheted in my head but all I could picture was Jim. You deserve better Jim.
A good ten minutes went by; by the time I got up, wiped my tears and found myself in my bedroom sitting on the corner of the bed, waiting as the faucet turned off in the bathroom. The door opens and the flash of light from the bathroom makes me think of the tunnel. I watch him stroll out as if he lived there. "Hey." Simple, elegant, so him. "Hi" Short, afraid, and to the point skipping details. So me. His smile lifted me into places I've never been to before. He walks over to me and sits beside me on the bed, warmth overtakes me. He rubs his hand across my back. "How are you?" His eyes seeping through my soul. It just wasn't fair that he could see through me in every possible way. "hmm fine" I nod, feeling his fingertips across my aching bones. For a moment, everything just felt good. I close my eyes and take it in. I can feel him watching me. I open my eyes and meet his beautiful green ones. It was breathtaking the way you felt under his eyes. Like for a brief second in your life, you are taking somewhere far away, somewhere where the water is pure and the people are friendly. Because that's what he represents; Life the way it could be lived. The way it should be lived. Before I know what I'm doing I'm on the island with him by my side and my lips press to his, so strongly. I feel in reality, not the water moving against our feet, but his fingertips resting against my cheek. With a smack of our lips we break and I can still hear the echo of it tapping my shoulder. He pulls me against him and hugs me. So warm. "What was that for?" his whisper only for my ears to hear. I just pull him closer and let it be.
It was a little after eleven, as I was sitting at the table, nibbling on my mini square toast, when I say it. "Roy came by today." His head pops up from his toast as he looks on, as if he's not sharing something he knows. He nods, dropping the baby toast. "Yeah?" I can tell by the distant response that maybe he was by a certain place by the window today. "Yeah." Another short, quick response. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I feel the nausea rise up but I push it away, dropping what's left of my toast on the plate. I look over at Jim, nibbling on his toast, thinking how pathetic this is that he is sitting here across from me, not even eating a decent breakfast. Don't I deserve better than that?
Tears lodge in my throat as I get up and move to sit on the couch clutching my hands into my hair. "Pam?" I hear his chair screeching across the floor, making me think of the twig breaking from my dreams. I clutch my hair harder. "Pam." I feel the cushion sinking in. "You have to leave." My words much harder to say than can possibly be described. I felt as though I tried to hit him with the way his I felt his body stiffen so harshly beside me. "What?" His voice barely reaching above an octave. "I need you to leave; I can't keep doing this to you anymore." "I'm not leaving you." His voice firm.
"It's time for you to leave, move on. Find happiness." I squeak out between my sobs. "I've already found it." I look up and meet his eyes. I can see the tears roaming around his eyes. "No." I say matter of fact, rising to my feet, hearing the scream resounding in my head. "No" I whisper again begging my subconscious to stop replaying my nightmare over and over again. He gets up and comes towards me. "Can't you see I'm here, I'm right here waiting for you. Always." Look at him you're killing him.
I move away from his hands and my back hits the opposite wall. "Just leave, Jim." My mind resting against that wall behind me. His eyes are filled with tears before he can say anything I stop him. "I don't want you here." I look down at the floor, knowing if I look up he will see all the lies, all my true pleas, all the air I need to breathe with him next to me, but I can't. I don't deserve his paradise eyes, or his warmth or love. Another woman does, a better woman. Not a broken woman. I sob out loud cringing to myself as I say those words in my head. He watches me for a moment then moves to the other side of the couch grabbing his keys and walking out the door. A hiccup escapes me as I watch the last of his broad shoulders find daylight. He was the light at the end of my tunnel.
I was stepping on leaves and I kicked pebbles with the end of my shoes. What was happening? Why was I here? I heard a sound, almost like a large twig breaking in half. I looked up and I see it. I screamed. I can see him so clearly. He was there, drenched in blood, hanging by a thread; and there I sat watching it break and his bones shatter to the ground. It was by far the most horrific sight I have ever encountered. I see a shadow towards the right. It was me, all dressed in black, hair slick with disgrace, she, I, was holding the end of a rope, the rope he was tied with. This can't be right. "What are you screaming about?" The voice of my dreadful self-came to me with a whiff of a scorching foul odor. I look over at her eyes, my eyes so dead, so evil. "Look at him, you killed him!" She screamed at me. I sobbed. "You killed him." She shoved the bloody rope in my face. I backed away, looking at Jim, broken on the ground; covered in dirt and pride and love, spilled all over the ground. "What have you done?!" I cry out. I watch as my shadow walks towards him, towards the edge of an unknown cliff, the moon sitting high, daunting on us. "What have I done?" she repeats twisting the rope in her hand, her fingers turning a bright red. She comes around to me again closer to my face. Ghostly white, stale teeth and a heart made of pure rot. "Just what you wanted." Her whisper even more chilling up close. It was then I see Jim's hand clutching the dirt, he starts to move, lifting his head, his eyes black, soulless, heartless. "Look what you've done to me Pam."
Whew! Okay, I know I got a little scary at the end there, but hey it's psychology. When the body is not getting enough of something, to me it goes into this mode. Scary and unpredictable. But anyway, I hope you guys aren't too peeved about taking Jim away again, don't worry I just wanted to make it interesting, soon fluff is going to come in so many doses you won't be able to handle it ;)
You guys are awesome! Thanks for reading!
Reviews are like Jim's look to the camera, if he stops doing it, how will my heart go on?
-Jamfan2000-