Meredith opened her eyes to the sunlight streaming through the window. She hated the sun. She knew that sounded absurd, no one hated the sun shine, but since she had returned from Europe she did. Because she didn't want to be in Boston with the sun shine, she much preferred the rainy streets of England. She was supposed to be in Europe. Not here.

Meredith rolled over and buried her head in the pillow, wincing as a sharp pain ripped through her head. She silently admitted that maybe her new hatred of the sun had something to do with her new love of tequila.

And then she felt someone beside her.

"Shit…" she murmured under her breath, turning to look at the man beside her. She slightly remembered his blonde curls from the night before. And she may have remembered kissing him and just maybe inviting him home. "Shit."

She rolled out of bed, taking one of the blankets with her and gently knocked the guy's shoulder. "Get up," she quietly urged him. "Get up."

He groaned in response.

"You have to get up," Meredith urged, louder this time.

"Come back to bed…" the nameless blonde man moaned into the pillow his head rested on.

"What? No!" Meredith shook her head quickly. "There will be no getting back to bed. You…you…you have to get out of bed."

"It's early," nameless man groaned.

"Exactly," Meredith nodded. "You need to get out."

"No," nameless man shook his head. "Come back to bed. We can finish what we started last night. Come on."

"No, we're not finishing anything. Nothing," Meredith shook her head.

"Come on, we had fun last night," nameless man argued.

"I was drunk last night," Meredith groaned. "I'm not drunk now, and you most definitely have to get out of here."

"I'm still tired. And I have a hangover," nameless man murmured.

"Not my problem," Meredith shrugged as she pulled a pair of jeans and shirt out of her clean laundry hamper. She couldn't believe she had done this again. Last time was supposed to be the last time. She wasn't this girl, this wasn't supposed to happen. She swore it wasn't going to happen again. And yet here she was, kicking another man out of her bed.

"Just give me another hour to sleep?" nameless man tried to bargain with her.

Meredith shook her head quickly. "I'm going to go take a shower, and when I get back…when I get back you won't be here."

Meredith didn't wait for a response, she just turned around and left the room, trusting that he would be gone. They always were after she pulled her trademark line. Meredith groaned quietly at the fact she had a trademark line. This wasn't the life she had imagined for herself. This was definitely not the life she would have chosen for herself. That life was…

In New York. Or here in Boston.

Anywhere where she could be with him.

Derek.

She tried not to think of him. Ever. Because she had come back from Europe and she hadn't called. She had promised him she would and then she hadn't. She couldn't. And he would understand. Because things had happened, lots of bad things. If Derek knew he would get it. He knew her and he always understood her. If she called he would entirely understand it. Everything. He was Derek.

So she didn't call. She couldn't call.

And she tried not to think about him. Ever.

Although every morning she woke up beside another man her mind immediately went to him. She didn't try to think of him, but on these mornings she couldn't. He filled her thoughts and she always found herself fighting the need to call him. She didn't even know why. It just happened. Other men made her crave the one she wanted.

Not that she could have him.

She stood under the water, trying to keep Derek from her thoughts. She wasn't going to call him. She was probably never going to see him again. It was over. She had other things she should be worrying about.

Like the fact her world was falling apart.

That was a lot better than thinking about Derek. Okay, not really, but at least it was something else. It was something tangible. Something that she had done something about. Her world was falling apart, nothing was going as planned but at least she wasn't in limbo. Thinking about what had dragged her back to America was better than thinking of the man she was in love with and couldn't be with.

Shit. Derek again.

He was probably married, she figured as she towel dried her hair. Any time she had a one night stand this was always the point of reasoning that she had hit by the point. She would always dry her hair and remind herself that she hadn't spoken to Derek in nearly a year. And by now he was probably happily married and forgotten all about her.

And then she would blink back some tears. Because somehow she had managed to loose something she had never had, and yet had meant more to her than anything else ever had.

"What are you still doing here?" Meredith yelled at nameless man as she walked back into her room. Her room was usually empty at this point in the post one night stand ritual. Actually it was always empty. But not today. Today nameless man was still laying in her bed.

"I was thinking we could go out for breakfast, spend the day together. You can rent paddle boats at the…" he started.

"Seriously? Seriously?" Meredith said, moving to pull the blankets away from him, causing him to scramble to get his clothes.

"I was just…" he started.

"You were just nothing," Meredith groaned. "I picked you up in a bar. I don't even know your name. Did you really expect white picket fences and happily ever after?"

"But..." nameless guy began to speak but Meredith just shook her head and pointed towards the door. "But…"

"I'm in love with someone else, you don't want me," Meredith explained in a huff.

"Then…" he started.

"Out. Out now," Meredith demanded.

And then he was gone. And Meredith was alone. Alone with the multitude of thoughts running through her head. These mornings made her think far too much. She had to stop them. That was it, that was her last one night stand. She couldn't do this anymore.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far, did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

So welcome to Meredith's life. She was dragged back to America for some mysterious reason that we don't know and now she's all dark and twisty, getting drunk and sleeping around and trying her best not to think about the one she's not with and failing miserably at it. She's not happy, this isn't the life she wanted at all and yes...that's that.

Will probably update this again tonight.

Read. Love. Review.