Chapter 13: A child is born

I had travelled back to Craigh Na dun as agreed, accompanied yet again by Murtagh and Fergus. The cattle had started to bulk up well once they were on Lallybroch pasture and after five weeks of being well fed they were healthy enough to join the other cattle in the bottom paddock. I had again left them in Ian's care, as I came to fulfil my promise and bring my wife home. We camped in our usual spot, arriving two days ahead of schedule it had been a long and anxious wait. My temper was short and I had scolded young Fergus more than once ashamedly. I felt sorry for the lad, he was just as anxious as I was.

As the sun rose the next morning, I leapt out of my blanket where I slept by the fire and raced to the top of the hill. I sat there for hours, first alone, then with Fergus by my side. We watched the stones, not knowing what to expect. Would she just appear? Would she fade in just like she had faded out? My mind pondered the possibilities as I waited. The hours passed slowly and as the light faded, and Murtagh came with some wild rabbit for supper, a darkness filled me to the core. She hadn't come. Why hadn't she come?

I tried touching the stones, to travel through time and bring her back myself, but as before nothing happened. I was helpless, all I could do was sit and wait. So I did. I watched that stone, not taking my eyes off of it all through the night and the next day. Fergus drifted off to sleep early that morning, and Murtagh stood nearby, I ken his thoughts well. After the second day, he had tried to get me to wait by the camp, so I could at least have the warmth of the fire. I had ordered Fergus to go with him, but I couldn't leave. Not wanting to light a fire of my own in case the English saw it from afar, I sat and I waited.

My bones were numb and my soul was heavy when he approached me on the afternoon of the fourth day. He had grabbed me by the shoulders and insisted that I join him at the camp, or he would march me there himself. I pushed him off, throwing him across the grounds. "My heart bleeds for you lad, but she wouldn't want you to starve yourself on her account." He had told me. How dare he imply she was gone.

"Do not speak of her that way." I warned him, "She's been delayed is all."
"I pray you are right, I do. But you must eat." He had gotten back up on his feet and now stood before me again, "If not for Claire, then for Brianna."
"Brianna?"
"Aye." He held out a hand, "Don't let her loose her father as well."

"It's all my fault." Brianna had lost her mother because I had given her another child. I should have known better, after Faith, after Brianna's dangerous birth. How could I have been so selfish. "I've killed her." I fell to my knees, "Oh my sweet mo nighean donn. How could you ever forgive me?" I screamed to the heavens. "I a so so sorry."

"CLAIRE!" I screamed out as I sat up cold in my bed. "Claire!" I cried into my hands as I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. Had it been a dream? A vision? A bad omen? It had been almost three weeks since I had left Claire at the stones, she could be due any day and I couldn't help but wonder if today was the day. My mind filled with thoughts of her, surrounded by strangers as she lay in pain, and me not there to comfort her. I had seen Jenny often enough in childbed to know just how painful and laborious it was and I often wondered why any woman would want to go through that more than once, let alone how any man could allow their beloved to go through it at all.

I was still shaking when Jenny came rushing into my chamber, she had taken one look at me and wrapped me in her arms. "Shh mi gradhe." She whispered, "It was only a dream." She soothed me, as our mother had done. I didn't fight it. I was filled with terror.

"God Jenny." I mumbled, "What am I going to do?" I asked her, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach as I tried to breathe through the pain that I was feeling.

"You're going to keep your faith is what you're going to do. She'll be all right, you ken she will. She as stubborn as the both of us."
"I should be with her." The pain was easing, but it was still there, I felt like I was being torn in two and in a way I had been.

"I know. I know my love." She rocked me gently, "Tis not an easy thing you're going through, but it will all turn out for the best. You'll see."

As my hands steadied and my heart found its natural rhythm Jenny sat by my bed, talking of odd things to help me pass the time. Once I was sufficiently recovered, I insisted that she go back to bed, while I took a walk outside to get rid of my nervous energy and calm my thoughts.

JAMMF

I felt sorry for the trouble I had caused as the reverend raced through the tiny streets of inverness in the early hours of the morning. Mrs Graham held my hand as we sat in the back, and no sooner had we arrived at the Inverness Hospital, I had been rushed into the operating room. A precaution I had been assured, on account of my high risk pregnancy. I looked around for a familiar face, but I found none. They had refused to let Mrs Graham inside and she was forced to wait with Reverend Wakefield. I said a silent prayer and tried to imagine myself back at Lallybroch with Jamie and Brianna. There was very little rest between contractions, and the sound of the nurses buzzing around heightened my anxiety. It wasn't eased when the doctor checked on my progress, the same look on his face I had used when I didn't want to alarm the patient.

"What's wrong?" I asked as the nurse handed him a sponge, and I felt something warm trickle down my legs. "Oh god not again." I cried. "Jamie." Where was he?

"Shh dear." The nurse took my hand, "I'm sure Jamie will be here soon. Just in time to hold his child." She comforted me, but it wasn't any comfort at all.

"How bad is the bleeding?" I asked again, "Please I'm a nurse." I begged.

"The haemorrhage is minor." The doctor finally spoke, coming to look at me as he described my condition to me so that I understood. "Normally I would do a c section." He began, "I can see you had one last time." He pointed towards my scar, as I had already been scolded about travelling so late in my pregnancy without my medical notes. If only they knew I thought.

"You must save the baby." I begged him, "Promise me."
"It hasn't come to that." He tried to calm me. "You are progressing quite fast and I think we can deliver this baby safely, without a c section, but I want to be prepared just in case."

"Do whatever you have to do" I ordered him. "Just save my child."

He hadn't been kidding me. In less than ten minutes, I found myself baring down as hard as I could, a kind nurse holding my hand as I tried my best not to pass out. I gathered what little strength I had left and I tried to focus my thoughts, if he couldn't be here in person he could at least be here in spirit. I imagined it was he who held my hand as I pushed down hard and screamed his name. "JAMIE!" I called out as our child tore through me and into the doctors waiting arms.

There had been some bleeding, as before, but the doctor had it under control in no time. I could hear my child crying, and I began to cry as well. Tears of joy, of relief. We were both alive. The nurse brought the child, wrapped tightly in a blanket over to me and held it so I could see, it was so pink and tiny, and it looked so much like it's sister. I touched its tiny hand to make sure it was real, it's fingers curled around mine as the nurse handed it to me. I cradled it in my arms, unable to convince myself that it wasn't a dream. "I am so very happy to meet you." I whispered as I imagined Jamie by my side, watching over us.

JAMMF

They had kept me in the hospital for a week, I had lost a little blood after the birth and they wanted to make sure I was fully recovered before I travelled back home, to America. Mrs Graham and the reverend looked after us for the next three weeks, helping with the early morning feeds and waiting on me hand and foot while I rested as much as I could. They didn't mind the sleepless nights, or the endless piles of washing. At least that's what they told me. Even young Roger helped out whenever he could. I was glad for the company and for the help, but I longed to get back to my home, to my family. The night before my pre planned departure, I found myself restless and unable to sleep. Mrs Graham had also found herself awake in the early hours of the morning and we had shared an early pot of tea while she nursed my child one last time and made sure that I had everything I needed for my return journey. I would never be able to repay her for all of her help, or for her friendship.

We swaddled the child up tight to protect it from the early morning cold outside and as I dressed myself in my eighteenth century attire, she bounced the child up and down, cradling it like her own grandchild. "I'll write to you often." I promised her, "And let you know how we are going."
"I know." She smiled at me knowingly, "And I'll look forward to reading them."

"I wish you could come with us. You would love Lallybroch." I assured her.

"I don't doubt it." She thought remorsefully, "But I'm an old woman and my place is here." She said, placing the child in a padded basket for the journey back to Craigh Na Dun. The journey was over before I knew it, and there was so much to say, but no words to say it.

"I'll miss you." I hugged her as we stood in front of the stones. Mrs Graham handed me the child and we used a thick large scarf to bind it tight to my chest, swaddling it like I had seen them do in Africa many years ago. I placed some old rags in its ears, to protect it from the sounds of the screams, as I had done with Brianna and we said our final goodbyes.

"And I'll miss you" She said as she kissed me goodbye, "Take care my child." She added as she stood back and watched as I made my journey home.

JAMMF

"Mind where you stand lad." Murtagh cursed, "You're wearing a hole in the ground." He teased me as I paced back and forth over and over again. The sun wasn't up yet, but my hands were sweating with anticipation as my heart threatened to leap from my chest.

"I can't help it." I bit back at him, "It's like my every nerve is on alert, ready to pounce."

"Then pounce the other way man. Go for a walk or something, you're making me nervous."

"Aye, well. You're in good company then." I teased him. "You're right though, I think I'll just go up and take a look. You never know." I winked at him as I set off in the darkness.

"Don't get lost." He called back after me. "Ye bloody clot head."

I don't know how long I waited, as I tried to tell myself that my reoccurring dream was not a vision, but born of my own fears. I watched and waited, my fingers twitched as the first bird started singing and the light of dawn started to rise over the nearby horizon. I checked the stone, over and over again, I still couldn't feel anything. I wore a fresh hole in the ground as I walked forwards and back, willing her to come.

"Murtagh sent me to give you this." Fergus interrupted my thoughts as he handed me a bowl of hot porridge. I took it from him gratefully, looking back down towards the camp as I blew the steam from the top of the bowl and took a bite.

"Thank you." I said to Fergus as he waited with me.

"She'll be alright, wont she milord?" Fergus asked me concerned, I stopped my pacing and looked him straight on.

"Aye lad, Milady will be back in no time." I promised him as I took another quick bite.

"Milord." Fergus turned white as a stone as he stood before me.

"What is it lad?" I asked as I turned to see what he was looking at. I froze. Dropping my bowl, I ran to her side. She was dressed just as I had last seen her as she lay on the ground. I placed the blanket I had brought with me over her and cradled her in my arms. "Claire." I whispered, "Claire?"

"Jamie." She mumbled as I held her tight against my chest. My god I thought to myself, she's alive, she's back. I brushed the hair from her face as she sat up.

"Careful." I urged her, "Take it easy."
"I'm all right." She insisted as she shook off the blanket, she held her stomach, rubbing it up and down and I cursed her for being so foolish as to come back before the child was born and that's when I realised. As she undid the fabric around her waist, a tiny pink hand wriggled in the morning breeze and a child's gurgling filled the air as it tried to speak. My eyes welled up with tears as I held that tiny hand in mine. Feeling the soft texture and the tiny bones just beneath the surface. With Claire still resting in my arms, she dropped the cloth and exposed the face of our child. Pink and healthy and staring up at me with such curiosity.

"James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser." She began, "I would like to introduce you to your daughter."

"It's a girl?" I couldn't believe it was real, I thought my heart was going to burst, "We have a daughter." I kissed her on the forehead, soft and sweet as all newborns are, and then with great joy and longing I kissed my wife, Claire Fraser. First on the forehead and then on the lips, so long and hard I forgot to let her breath.

"Are you happy?" she asked me, as we sat there, getting use to one another again.

"I am so happy there are no words." I told her, kissing her again. "Come." I picked her up off the ground and placed the blanket around her shoulders as she carried the infant carefully in her arms. I feared with every step that I might trip and cause them to fall with me as I traversed the hill back down to the camp. Fergus kept watch on her other side just in case.

As we made it to the camp, I sat her by the fire and watched her as she sat in its warm glow, our child resting in her arms safe and sound. She had done it. She had come back to me.

JAMMF

"Does she have a name yet?" Murtagh asked as he congratulated us on our newest addition.

"Not yet." I looked to Jamie who was standing proudly behind us, "But I have an idea."

"Whatever you decide." He smiled at me, I felt I could have asked to call her something ridiculous like porridge or Tinkerbell and he would have agreed, he was so enamoured with her.

"How do you like the name Elizabeth Ellen Mackenzie Fraser?" I asked him. "After your mother, and mine"

"I think it's a bonny name." He replied, reaching out to take her hand. "I am very pleased to meet you, Elizabeth Fraser."

"Ellen would be most honoured." Murtagh agreed. "But thank goodness this one looks more like you than Jamie." He teased, "Two red headed Scot's is more than enough to handle." He grinned, referencing Brianna's tendency to be just as stubborn and adventurous as her father.

"I don't know." I said, looking down at her wisps of brown hair and the curl of her lips. "She may have my hair, but she's definitely got her father's eyes."