Let us take a moment to celebrate the fact that the review count for this fic in now in the quadruple digits. In the words of London Tipton, YAY ME!
So, as those of you who actually read these A/Ns, the reviews and/or the TV Tropes page know, I am currently in a rivalry with Xomniac and by extension his beta's CV12Hornet and The Patient One. I thought it would be cute, the new kid on the block going up against what most hail as a masterpiece, but then they threw SO many curveballs at the conclusion of the Arabasta Arc that I am forced to acknowledge they are a worthy threat. And as such, it galls me that This Bites! has a quarter of my following. So, as the supplier of your creative nerd literary fix, I encourage you all to, if not give it a try, then just arbitrarily favorite it and spread the word. What's the harm, right?
Now, I've spent a great deal of time agonizing over the timeline of this fic. I made grand statements like '24 days' or 'three months', because of course the journey must be long if it's so action-packed. But then I actually tried to work it out and realized the events of most arcs occur IN ONE DAY. So now I'm juggling math and travel times trying to comply with what I've already said, and also working out what 'twists' would be feasible… Then I realized no one else is going to do the math and call me on it, or if they do they'll just be lost in the sea of praise for my 'ingenuity'. Still, I'm a man of my word, however much I strain it at times (Yes, I'm referring to the 'New Year' update incident). Therefore, expect some long breaks between islands that might not make sense.
On the subject of time, I realized in retrospect I made an error with the timing of Brook. See, I didn't remember the arc clearly, and I didn't have time to just rewatch it all, so I looked up Brook's history on the wiki and it said Brook confronted Ryuma "5 years ago." But evidently, it hadn't been edited to account for the timeskip. So, sorry for that little anachronism, and please forgive it.
And, to encourage people to look at the bold text instead of skipping right to the story, from now on I will finish them with an up-to-date count of the Armada crews and respective bounties. For record, the counts include all named captains and officers in the total. Exempli gratia:
Straw Hat: 9 (Laboon counts); 157,000,000 Beri
Buggy: 116 (Richie is here despite 'pet' status); 15,000,000 Beri
Black Cat: 97; 16,000,000 Beri
Don: 101; 17,000,000 Beri
Baratie: 30; ?
Pets: 21 (including Gaimon and Queen); 0 Beri
Total: 374; 205,000,000 Beri
P.S. To those who play City 2048, I recently reached level 17. Felt like bragging. To those who don't, that's the 262,144 tile. Boom.
The party really was something. Once the men had time to recover from the fact that, yes, they had technically been eaten, they realized that they were now in the Grand Line. All their training and preparations had come to fruition, and they were finally there. It was both a celebration of all that had led them to that point, and the kick-off for the start of a whole new journey.
Several things happened during that party.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Brook exclaimed. He ran over to Crocus's houseboat and emerged carrying a familiar black sheathe. "I grabbed this for you, Zoro-san! I remembered how much stronger you were once you got it."
Zoro grinned like a shark as he felt the heavy weight of Shusui in in hands. "Welcome back," he muttered. After thanking Brook, Zoro reached down to belt the sword only to realize his dilemma. "Huh. Right. Well, I suppose I could work on making a Yontouryu… no, it wouldn't be ready any time soon. So, one of you has to go it seems." Zoro thought about it a second. He would die before losing Wado, and Sandai Kitetsu was too dangerous for anyone but him. "Yubashiri it is. At least you didn't have to die this time."
Zoro used Observation for a second, and walked over to Kaya. "Oi. You want a decent sword instead of that mass-produced junk?"
Kaya's mouth twisted into a moue of annoyance. "My father commissioned this sword. The blade is folded steel, gold filigree is laid into the handle, and it's perfectly balanced since the tang is nearly the full width of the blade."
Zoro winced, but didn't start to fear for his life. This was 'Daisy', not 'Mistress'. He'd learned to tell the difference for the sake of survival. It was like dealing with that Cavendish person. "Sorry. What I meant is would you like Yubashiri?"
Kaya regarded the katana for a moment before shaking her head. "No, thank you. Not my style. If I must get a better sword at one point, I'd prefer it be that elephant Zoan that horrendous leader of CP9 has. Usopp-kun made it sound so cute."
"Fair enough." Moving to the next candidate, Zoro found him holding his own sword in his teeth while balancing on his unicycle to the cheers of a crowd. "Cabaji!"
In an instant, the swordsman of the Buggy crew was at attention and his sword sheathed, his unicycle falling to the side behind him. "Yes, Zoro-sensei!"
Zoro felt a twinge of annoyance. He wanted them to respect him as a teacher, but most of his students' abject worship was just plain bothersome. Still, that was what you get when you claimed the title of World's Strongest Swordsman before their very eyes. Zoro held out the lacquered ebony of his lightest blade's sheathe. "Brook brought me one of my old swords, so I have one extra. You want it?"
A hush seemed to fall over their part of the party.
"Are you serious?" Cabaji asked, his eyes almost popping out of his head. The group that had been watching his antics had their jaws around their waists.
Zoro shrugged. "You're my best student. You deserve a decent sword. What, you don't want it?"
"No, no! If you think I'm worthy of it, I'll gladly take it." Cabaji reached out and practically snatched it. He then looked down at it in reverential wonder, actually falling to his knees. "This blade has drawn the blood of Mihawk. The best swordsman in all the world held it in his hand. And he saw fit to bestow it upon me. This is an immeasurable honor. I shall treasure it all my life, as will my sons, and their sons, and God willing, their sons throughout the ages. This is my legacy."
One of the last beams of light from the setting sun seemed to fall upon the chief of staff. The men around him looked at him with awe, as if they were witnessing a miracle. They one and all bowed their heads, thanking their lucky stars that they were able to bask in this holiest of moments, this rare and priceless treasure, the realization of a Man's Romance.
Zoro's sweatdrop reached past his hair. "Riiiiiight. Where's the alcohol, again?"
Usopp adjusted the magnification on his goggles. "Okay, a little more to the left. You want it to be a gentle sweeping motion, alright, just a gentle sweep. Careful of the angle!"
Luffy huffed and side-eyed his sniper. "Do we really have to keep working on it? It's recognizable, that's good enough, right?"
"Hey, you're the one that wanted to make him our official Mascot! People will see this image and associate it forever in their minds with the Straw Hat Armada. That's not something you half-ass. Besides, we've already been doing this for two hours, what's a few more minutes?"
Luffy looked longingly at the table Sanji had set up. "But the girls are eating all that cool Elephant Tuna! There's not going to be any left for me at this rate! C'mon, I'm hungry!"
Usopp got an evil glint in his eye. "Okay, sure, you can leave it like that. Just know that you'd be leaving your Jolly Roger, the pride and heart of our crew, behind. Just know that you'd have forever marred the face of one of our cherished nakama by leaving your work unfinished. What would Shanks think of you doing something like that to a friend, I wonder?"
Luffy had gone very still.
Usopp smiled victoriously. "So which will it be, Luffy? Your heart… or your stomach?"
Hat shadowed his face. His whole body quivered as two of his most fundamental desires clashed. His internal war made Marineford look like a classroom debate.
"Well played, Gatsby. Well played," Luffy ground out.
The third mate frowned. "Don't call me that. Only Kaya-chan gets to call me that."
"I could call you some of the other things she does, but Nami told me they're 'not appropriate for civilized conversation', whatever that means. Say, what is a 'maso—"
"Wow, it's getting late, and our dinner's getting cold! What say we finish this up, huh?" Usopp interrupted, his soul all but floating out of his mouth as his captain almost asked him about that part of his life.
Laboon just hummed, waiting for them to finish so the paint could dry and he could go get some food.
Gaimon oh so softly tried to coax the Queen to drink from a bottle. She looked a little better already, but years of neglect couldn't be undone in half a day. She looked ready to drop, even though she'd barely done anything. She hadn't had to even move since they'd gotten her. Deciding that maybe rest would be for the best, Gaimon pulled back the water. The party was getting a little loud, so he leaned in close to sing a lullaby he'd used on all the animals at one point.
"If I had words to make a day for you~" he crooned. "I'd sing you a morning, golden and true~" He gently petted her head. "I would make this day last for all time~" Her eyes were already starting to close. "Give you a night deep in moonshine~"
"That was beautiful."
Gaimon jumped, turning to see the freaky skeleton that the captain liked so much. Gaimon felt it easier to think of it as some sort of exotic creature than a true-blue member of the undead. He coughed, and tried to hide his blush. "It was nothing."
"No, I'm serious. You have a very nice voice, such a sweet timbre. And something about that song just speaks to you, you know? I could practically hear the orchestra swell. Or maybe a bass guitar and jazz organ. Oh, where are my manners? I am Brook, the musician. And who might you be?"
Gaimon regarded the 'hand' held out to him warily before leaning to grab it with his own immobilized one. "Gaimon, the zookeeper."
Brook gave a simple shake before retreating a step. "I must confess, I was a little scared to come talk to you, but I couldn't resist the music."
Gaimon raised a corner of his unibrow. "I scared you?"
"Well, yes! I've never seen someone in a box. I keep waiting for you to jump out and attack or something!"
'Oh, the irony,' Gaimon thought.
A little ways away, Mohmoo was still shivering. He had the strongest reaction to being introduced to Laboon's digestive tract. He had sought out the Black Cat he'd been listening to earlier, who was currently patting his head.
"Hey, hey you guys! I think I'm his favorite!" Salem said to his buddies.
"I'll alert the media, Saberhagen," one of them deadpanned.
"IT'S PRONOUNCED 'MEED-YUH'!"
Meanwhile, the Kangaceros cub was in a bouncing contest with Tigephant beneath the watchful eye of his mother while the Bearpig ate honey between cowering at the tremors and the Rabowl tried to break up the foolishness in order to demonstrate the proper technique with the Donkpher watched morosely, making a whistling sound as it breathed through its gapped teeth.
In an alternate dimension, the sentient stuffed animals of a certain British schoolboy took a moment from playing in their hectare woodland to sneeze.
Nami finished the last bite of her filet. Say what you will about Sanji and his many, many flaws, but the man could cook. Besides, this was a prime ingredient in the first place. She could almost forgive Luffy for eating it all to the bones last time. Almost.
"Hey, aren't we going to get anything?" whined a certain undercover princess.
Nami glanced at 'Miss Wednesday'. She loved Vivi, she really did, but she sure could be a bitch while she was in character. "You have water and rice, don't you?"
"That's not food! That's barely a snack!"
Though the closest thing to a saint that Nami was ever likely to meet in her lifetime, it would seem Vivi hadn't gone through a royal upbringing without becoming a little spoiled. "Tough. That's all you're getting."
Though Sanji would probably whip up a five-course meal if she managed to ask him directly.
The Frontier Agent grit her teeth. "Cold, heartless bitch," she muttered.
"I'm not a cold, heartless bitch," Nami countered. "I'm the cold, heartless bitch."
Mr. 9 spoke up. "Look, we're really not that valuable to our organization. We're barely above the bottom, to tell the truth. It's highly doubtful that they'll shell out anything for us. And if you're planning on using us as shields or something, you should know that Baroque Works thinks nothing of disposing of members to fulfill the mission. So, really, you'd be better off if you just let us go."
Nami gave him a flat look. "You'd still keep the bullets off us if they fire. And I think you're more valuable than you think. I'm pretty sure I can get a billion Beri for your little partner alone."
The acrobatic baseball enthusiast felt his whole body turn white. What kind of woman was this? "There's a special spot in Hell reserved just for you," he hissed.
"Yes, there is. It's called a 'throne'."
"Nami-san?"
Nami looked away from her horrified captives to look at Kaya. She tried not to jump. She was the scariest girl on the crew. Not Kaya. Kaya was an amateur, a newcomer. She had no idea what Nami could dish out. She didn't bat an eye at the Monster Trio in a tantrum, she wasn't going to be cowed by some pampered slip of a girl.
De Nile ain't just a river in Arabasta.
"What is it?"
Kaya looked contrite. "Listen… I know that I've put you through a lot with my and Usopp-kun's, um, activities. And even though I paid you, it still feels like I've been taking advantage of you, and just being rude anyway. And now that Alvida-san has joined the crew, it just seems far too selfish of me to kick you all out for my sake. So I'd just like to inform you that I relinquish my, er, bedroom privileges. You will be able to go to bed whenever you want without fear or disgust. My sincerest apologies for all your discomfort up to this point."
"That's great!" Nami smiled, her tone grateful and bubbly. In the same voice, she asked "What's the real reason?"
Kaya's eyes slid closed with a smile, and her entire aura shifted. "I've decided to explore the thrills of exhibitionism and the fear of getting caught by defiling every other room and surface on MY ship. Once that wears off, I'll impose a ban so that we can only do it on islands. I figure if I deny my little boi and have him bottle it up, it will be even more fun when I allow him to let loose."
"Good for you," Nami replied, her face green but still smiling. 'I had to ask. I never would have pegged Usopp as that kind of guy. Maybe she just bullied him into it.'
"And just for the record, Nami-san, I want you to know that I am not a bully. I discipline because I care."
Nami felt her blood run cold. How the—This was the sniveling girl that couldn't bring herself to fire a gun at a man she thought had killed a friend and betrayed her?
"Love brings out the best in all of us, don't you think?" the former heiress said airily.
Well, that was all the confirmation she needed to never ever fall in love.
"In fact, a life without love is hardly worth living, I think."
Was that a threat?!
"But that's just my opinion." Taking pity on the navigator, Kaya turned to regard the hostages. "Are these two giving you any grief?"
Nami felt her mouth spread into a smile that would make the devil himself whimper like a puppy. Her schadenfreude senses were tingling. "Just a tad. And I'd much rather be enjoying the party. I really need to unwind."
"Oh, you poor dear. I'll take over for you. Go have fun. I know I will."
Taking one last look at the faces of the Baroque Works agents rapidly turning blue, Nami walked away. 'Sorry, Vivi. Better you than me.'
"Now then," Kaya said sweetly. "Let's review the proper etiquette for being taken prisoner by pirates, shall we?"
The screams could not be heard above the noise of the party.
Zeff brought the loaded cracker up to his nose and breathed deeply. That done, he brought it to his mouth, where his highly trained and sensitive palate was flooded with salty, savory flavor. He chewed slowly and with consideration, until his saliva began to interfere with the flavor. After swallowing, he stroked his mustache, mentally reviewing every iota of the sensory experience. Finally, he let out of huff of defeat. "Damn it. I still can't figure it out. What is that secret ingredient?"
Crocus smiled smugly. "That dies with me."
The two veterans were sitting to the side of all the hoopla, sharing a bowl of Crocus's special dip.
"So," Crocus spoke up. As the gatekeeper of the Grand Line, he met every pirate brave or foolish enough (or both) to tackle the world's most dangerous ocean. Some stuck out more than others. The captain who was also the cook that insisted on making him a feast as a show of respect had left a lasting good impression. "I was surprised to see you again. Piracy is a young man's game. What convinced you to come along on this cockamamie voyage?"
Zeff snorted. "Who you calling old? I've got another 100 years left in me at least. Besides, we're only as old as we feel, right?" Taking another bite of the exquisite spread, Zeff sighed. "In all seriousness, it was kind of decided for me. Brat managed to seduce all my men from under my nose. They probably would have jumped ship to follow him if I didn't agree to sail with him. And I figured between the three colors, a certain initial, mastery of the six powers and a Paramecia, enough bases were covered that it wouldn't be total suicide. Then I watched that green-haired one beat Dracule. Anyone who can make someone on that level defer to their will is probably worth following, don't you think?"
"You don't say," Crocus mused. He glanced at the drinking swordsman. "I thought that hat looked familiar. How'd someone like that wind up in East Blue with no one hearing of them?"
Zeff frowned. "Believe me, I wonder that myself. There's something off about them. I even started to notice it with my blonde brat. But they don't seem to mean any ill, so I let it slide."
"Now that you mention it, the brat back from the dead seemed to know they were coming. And for the life of me I can't imagine how they could have ever met." Crocus snorted. "Maybe they're all from the future where they were already a crew in the New World."
Zeff snorted. "Yeah, right. You're getting senile, flower-eggplant."
Crocus shrugged. "Stranger things have happened."
"Um, Crocus-san?"
The lighthouse keeper turned to see one of the pirates from this 'armada' looking at him with confusion. He was wearing a very odd hat, with animal ears. Seriously, the things these kids wore nowadays. "What is it?" he asked gruffly.
"Well… you see…" the kid sputtered (he was actually probably late twenties, but they were all brats as far as he was concerned). "Captain Buggy recognized you… and you said you remember him from when you were on a ship and he was young…"
"Yes?" he drawled. He saw where this was going, but he got his kicks from drawing people out on a limb.
"Ah… the thing is… Captain Buggy was only on one other ship before he founded our crew."
"That so?"
"Yes. And, if you both know each other from 'that' time… that would mean you were part of the crew on that ship too… right?"
"I guess it does."
Mohji gulped. "But then… wouldn't that mean… doesn't that make you…"
"Oh for the love of god, just spit it out you furry eggplant!" Zeff groaned.
A beat. "Were you part of Gold Roger's crew?"
Crocus… did not stare. "Yes, I was. Doctor. I just tagged along to find out what happened to Laboon's old crew, but that crazy bastard dragged me the rest of the way to the end of the Line."
Mohji nodded, a dazed expression on his face. Then all at once he seemed to reclaim himself and put his fingers in his mouth, giving a piercing whistle. "GUYS, IT'S TRUE!"
In an instant, the spectacled man was mobbed.
"WHAT DOES RAFTEL LOOK LIKE?"
"WERE YOU FRIENDS WITH THE 'DARK KING' RAYLEIGH?"
"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!"
"Help me!" Crocus called out desperately, sticking out one arm above the crowd before it was lost as the mob all but abducted him to move him to the rest of his newfound fans deeper in the party.
"I could… but I won't." Zeff dipped a finger into the bowl of dip and sucked off the ambrosial condiment. "That's what you get for calling me old."
Gin, Jango, and Buggy sat in a circle, empty plates before them and their crews drunk and dancing around them.
Gin coughed.
Jango fiddled with his sunglasses.
Buggy adjusted his hat.
The 'awkward' level was over 9,000.
"So…" Jango offered, only to trail off into silence.
"Mhmm," Buggy hummed.
"Great party," Gin commented.
"Sure, yeah."
"Mhmm."
"Kinda reminds me of another party,"
"Well, I mean, you been to one pirate party, you've been to them all, right?"
"Mhmm."
"Actually I was thinking it was a bit like that party… in Cocoyashi."
"… Really?"
"Mhmm?"
"Man that was a wild night, wasn't it?"
"Oh, yeah! Things sure got… weird."
"Mhmm!"
"Yeah…"
The air was deader than the poor soul that told Big Mom she should go on a diet.
Gin sighed. "Look, about what we did that night—"
"What part of 'never talk about it ever again' did you not understand?" Jango screamed at whisper volume.
"I'm not listening to this. Nope, nope," Buggy stated, detaching his ears and tucking them in his pocket.
Gin grit his teeth. "Look! We need to hash this out. We can't even look at each other. And that's only going to become a bigger and bigger problem from here on out. What happens if one of us is in danger and one of us can save them but we hesitate because of this damn elephant in the room? Let's just get our shit in order, okay? For the Armada."
Jango looked like he was being forced to eat a live goldfish, but he finally ground out "For the Armada," in reluctant agreement.
Buggy stood up. "I can't be here for this. Just talk into these." With that, the detachable man tossed them both one of his (living, still functioning) ears and vanished into the party.
Gin sighed and held the ear cupped in his hand while he spoke to Jango in hushed tones. "Look, we were all drunk. Let's just put that on the record, okay? We barely knew what we were doing."
Jango nodded. "Right, right! Booze makes you do weird stuff. And hell, I barely remember it!" The hypnotist had to hide a shiver, proving he was lying.
Gin decided to take pity on the clearly uncomfortable captain. "It's not like what we did was gay or anything. There was a girl there."
"That's right! That. Is. Right. There was a girl there. So it was all about her. We were just a couple of bros teaming up on a nice skank. That's all it was." Jango seemed to be searching for an open container.
"And even the parts where it… wasn't even her, that was just getting caught up in the moment. We were horny, we couldn't see straight, it was an accident."
"Yes, yes, it was an accident. So it doesn't count. And hey, she seemed to like it, so it was still just for the lady. Putting on a show, it meant nothing. Hehe, NOTHING!" Jango's face looked like a ripe cranberry.
"I HATE SHANKS!" they heard randomly from the crowd.
"Yes, Buggy, you didn't have a crush on that other guy. And that night doesn't make you any less of a man. And if it maybe felt a little good, well, that doesn't mean anything. It's supposed to. I mean, that's why guys who are like that do it."
"Yeah, yeah, it was an involuntary response. Simple biology. Just a weird, weird, weird physical reaction." Jango was staring at his crotch as if it had betrayed him.
Gin was starting to wish he'd never brought this up. "And, hey, it's not like it was a crime. And if it was, who cares? We're pirates. We're fucking degenerates. Just some depraved souls free to do whatever they want. We party every night because we know each one might be our last. Got to seize every moment for what it's worth. So there's nothing wrong with something if we all enjoyed it. And we DID enjoy… 'that', right?"
"Well… I guess… it wasn't torture or anything," Jango managed.
"LIFE IS SUCH A JOY!"
"Right. So there's nothing to be ashamed of. It was just another fun night, nothing wrong with that, and we should all be okay with that. Cause we're pirates, and pirates have fun. All kinds of fun. Even… 'that' kind of fun and it's okay. We never have to have it again if we don't want, because we don't have to do anything we don't want, since we're pirates!"
"Hear, hear!"
"IT'S A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME! SAVVY?"
Gin breathed out. "So, we're all good?"
Jango bit his cheek, glanced at Gin, then off into the crowd, before sighing and looking like he dropped fifty pounds as he did so. "Fine, yeah, we're good."
"WE'RE ALL FLASHY BASTARDS!"
Gin nodded, glad that the issue was finally put to rest.
A beat.
The Devil Man blushed.
"Hypothetically… if we did want to have 'that' kind of fun again someday…"
There was a crash somewhere, and some of the Buggy Pirates that still had their wits about them made sounds of distress.
Jango leaned away. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro. You do whatever you want, but I got a girlfriend, man."
There was a cackle from the same direction.
Gin gave his fellow captain a flat stare. "Is that what you call that poor girl you stalk? Seriously, if you want her to notice you, why don't you just hypnotize her or something?"
Jango adopted a wounded expression. "What do you take me for? I would never do that! It's unethical."
"Oh, but it's okay to give her amnesia so often you can set your watch to it?"
"… What she doesn't know won't hurt her?"
"Whatever, dude. So you're out. What about you, Buggy? Open to indulging in the hedonistic lifestyle of men at sea?"
Water spouted into the air, as if someone on their back gave a massive spit take.
Jango gaped. "Wait, you're serious? I mean, no judging, but I never would have thought you were… 'that'."
Gin sighed. "Look, I don't know that I am. I just know I got no shot with Nami, Kaya is taken, the new girl is an unknown, and you apparently have 'dibs' on Kadoo. So what does that leave me?"
Jango tilted his head. "… You do have a point there."
"And what's that old pirate adage? 'Take what you can'?"
"Give nothing back, yeah. But that's about slack on the lines when pulling a ship into port. It just happens to be worded so it also reflects our general attitude."
"Whatever, man. Forget I said anything."
Gin got up and walked away. Once he was far enough away, he brought up the ear still in his hand to his lips. "Buggy. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It's just that… well… that night was the best I ever had. And I sort of can't stop thinking about the possibilities the power to detach 'things' affords. So if you ever feel open to having a little, ahem, 'fun'… I'll be waiting."
The ear turned vermillion. Not the rose quartz of the slightly embarrassed, or the tomato red of the mildly abashed. Vermillion: the color of carnal shame.
Gin let it go, and it floated off into the distance.
Gin took a deep breath, wondering if the last ten minutes had really just happened, and looked up at the sky. 'Why do I get the sense that some unknowable, all-powerful being smoked crack when they decided to mess with my sex life?'
Because… Wooooow! Hey buddy, we gotta get outta here, let's go run. Let's go fucking run. Let's run like we're fucking LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS! WHOO!
(A/N: No drugs were actually used in the writing of this scene.)
The day dawned bright and early. Luffy had woken up the men, spread out between the ships and the shore, fresh as a daisy like always. Men who had tiredly begun to prepare for a hangover workout didn't know whether to be pleased or terrified when their captain said "No training today, boys! We're going to have our hands full just getting to the first island in one piece. Shishishishi!"
The captain took a moment to talk to Crocus before they set out. "Hey, you sure you don't want to come along? We're not getting our doctor for like, three weeks, and Laboon's coming with us you know."
Crocus rolled his eyes. "I promised to look after the whale until the Rumbar Pirates returned. And they did. That's my duty done. And I'm too old to keep up with all you whippersnappers." A shadow seemed to pass over him. "Besides, if I went with you, I'd have fanboys."
Luffy shrugged. "Oh well, if you're sure. See you, flower guy."
"Beware the fanboys. BEWARE!" shouted the possessed ex-pirate.
Luffy stretched over to his special seat and gave the command. "Alright, everyone! Set sail! For Whiskey Peak!"
"AYE AYE!"
Brook waved teary-eyed at a submerging Laboon. "See you tonight, Laboon! Just follow the music! You'll be safer underwater, and we don't want you to terrify everyone who sees us, but I'll still miss you! This isn't 'goodbye', it's just 'see you later'! Yohohoho, Yohohoho~!"
Sanji breathed deeply of his morning dose of nicotine. "I see serious separation anxiety in that shitty afro's future."
"Oh, so now you're psychic, you asymmetric chimney?" challenged Zoro.
"You want to get even uglier, scar face? Though I doubt it's even possible."
"Hmm, so you admit you're not strong enough to do it, dandelion hair?
"No, I'm saying you're so ass-backwards hideous the only wife you could possibly have would be blind. Probably deaf too, to deal with your shitty attitude, seaweed brain!"
"At least I'd have a wife, you philandering playboy. How many bastards do you have by now? Unless it's all an act and you're overcompensating to hide the fact you're a, what's the word, oh yeah, VIRGIN!"
"*Gasp* You take that back, sir!"
"Make me, VIRGIN!"
"That's rich coming from a guy who's never even LOOKED at a woman and whose most precious possessions are a trio of phallic instruments. One of which you carry in your MOUTH! How'd 'ya like that, huh? Guess you like 'swords' more than 'sheathes', huh?"
"See, I know you're trying to insult me, but all I hear is 'jealous virgin, jealous virgin'."
"You want to go, man, YOU WANT TO GO?!"
"Sure! I can take two minutes out of my day to KICK YOUR ASS!"
The two of them were chomping at the bit, ready to go at each other's throats.
A delicate cough was made into an elegant hand.
The pair froze.
"Zoro-san. I believe I told you two days ago that your injuries would not be fully healed for a week. You are under doctor's orders not to engage in any strenuous activity in that time. While you might think otherwise, engaging in an honor duel with Sanji-san is, in my opinion, the very definition of 'strenuous activity'. And I know you would not disrespect all the work I have done to aid your recovery by doing anything to exacerbate your wounds. Right?"
Zoro's hand twitched, aching to draw his blade. But after she tilted her head, he conceded defeat and took his hand off. "No, no I wouldn't."
The 'nurse' nodded. She turned to her fellow blonde. "And Sanji-san? I wonder at you for provoking him when you knew he was banned from fighting. I really do."
Sanji's face turned bluer than his shirt. "Um… Kaya-sama… the thing is…"
Her smile widened. "Didn't you have some dishes to dry?"
Seizing the out with glee, Sanji all but teleported into the kitchen.
Her work done, Kaya went back over to Usopp and watched with fascination over his shoulder as he mixed chemicals to create one of his stars.
Off the side, Nami had a bemused expression on her face. "I honestly don't know if I'm bothered that she did it before I could, or glad that there's someone else on board who can diffuse those two… What is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be the sane one."
Zoro yawned. "Well, if I don't get to fight the swirly-brow, I think I'll take a little nap."
The navigator's hand reached out with a mind of its own. Zoro's movement was halted by her grip on his shoulder, which was such that she could have snapped his collarbone with a flex. He looked back over his shoulder, mildly annoyed, only to see a very familiar orange aura around Nami.
"Oh, no you don't," she spat, a subsonic growl beneath each word. "Last time, you went into your stupid voluntary coma while the rest of us had to tackle New World level weather right out of the gate. You even had the gall to call us lazy when you woke up to see us exhausted on the deck, with no idea of what we had to go through. Dealing with the seasons changing within the same second, icebergs, tornadoes, everything short of a goddamn meteor shower or a rain of toads. Well, not this time. You are going to stay up and adjust the sails and run around like a decapitated chicken just like everybody else, or so help me I will raise your debt so high you'll be having yourself turned into the Marines for the bounty and having Luffy save you just so you can make a dent in your weekly payment. Do. I. Make. My. Self. Clear?"
Zoro would deny it to his dying breath, but in that moment Nami scared him.
"Yes."
Nami let go and was suddenly sunshine and roses. "Good! Get up in the crow's nest, you. We need to spot those icebergs, and you can just jump to the mast when you need to."
Zoro grumbled as he walked off. "Stupid, overreacting witch. How bad could it be?"
Nami watched him go, looked down at her hand bemusedly, before shrugging. "Eh, who am I kidding? My sanity was forfeit LONG ago."
Within minutes, the conflicting magnetic fields and climates of the first seven islands nearest Reverse Mountain showed themselves.
Pearl stuck out his tongue. "I can't believe it's snowing! I mean, just a minute ago it was all nice and warm."
Buggy was in the midst of a panic attack. "So it begins…" he hissed.
Myassa breathed deeply of the frosty air. "Ah. Reminds me of motherland."
"Blegh! What's so nice about snow? Don't you all realize that it's just frozen water? We're going to get wet! And cats hate getting wet!" Siam complained at the crew who were making snow angels.
"You're taking the costume thing a bit too seriously, man," complained an underling.
Moe was following Nami's orders to the letter. But as his crew indulged in wintertime fun, he began to wish he could join in. "Hey, Nami-sensei! Remind me again why I'm not allowed to look up!"
The sound of a bullhorn screeching as it turned on disrupted the cheery atmosphere. "BECAUSE COMMON SENSE HAS ABANDONED US ALL TO THE WHIMS OF CHAOS, THAT'S WHY! COMPASSES DON'T WORK HERE, AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO LANDMARKS AROUND. THE ONLY THING LETTING YOU KNOW YOUR SHIP HASN'T BEEN TURNED A FULL 180° IS THAT LITTLE NEEDLE IN THE ORB YOU'RE HOLDING. THE MOMENT YOU TAKE YOUR ATTENTION OFF IT IS THE MOMENT YOU, YOUR CREW, AND YOUR ENTIRE SHIP RUN SHIT OUT OF LUCK! THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU! I DON'T CARE IF IT STARTS RAINING CANDY OR A TOPLESS MERMAID WASHES UP ON DECK! YOU WILL KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE LOG POSE!"
"Yes, Nami-sensei!" called out her terrified students.
Kaya walked up next to Nami, whom despite the weather was still in her usual minimal attire. "Are you sure you aren't going a little overboard, Nami-san?" The heiress took a sip of her morning coffee, looking downright adorable in her earmuffs and puffy coat.
Nami eyed the warm beverage with envy. But she knew that she soon would have no spare time to make it, let alone drink it. "Ask me that again in ten minutes." Nami called out behind her. "Oi, butterfingers! Since you're so weak, you're only job is to work the helm. So don't mess it up, got it?"
"Got it, Nami-san," replied Alvida meekly. There had been an incident earlier that involved an overly helpful Alvida who hadn't gotten the hang of her powers and about 60% of the china onboard. Suffice to say her new nickname was well earned.
"Kaya-chan! Look upon the artwork of my soul! I call it 'Snow Queen'!" Usopp called, standing proud next to a sculpture of snow that was clearly modeled after someone close to the sniper's heart.
"Oh, Gatsby! It's beautiful!" gushed Kaya.
"Nami-swan! Are you sure you don't want me to do just a little Snow Shoveling of Love~?" crooned Sanji from within the galley.
"Yes, yes. It'll get washed off soon enough. Just keep making the snacks to get us through the next few hours while we have the time," she deadpanned.
"I'll make enough to feed two Luffy's by the time the wind changes, this I swear! Mellorine!"
"Man, this guy is whipped," Mr. 9 muttered.
"I'm cold. Don't they have any kind of heating system," complained Miss Wednesday.
Kaya turned to face them with the sound of a creaking door. "Did you two say something?"
"NO, MA'AM!" they both shouted, suddenly rigid in perfect posture.
"Remind me what you're doing in there again, please."
Mr. 9 was sweating bullets. "We are staying still and quiet and not making a fuss, as is proper for prisoners to do."
"And might I say just how generous and gracious wardens you all are!" tacked on Miss Wednesday, her eyes blank as if her life were flashing before her eyes.
Kaya giggled, and the sound sent chills down their spines. "I'm glad to hear you're being so polite, but you misunderstand. I meant why are you in there, when you could be outside doing work."
The two gulped.
"Because… we're hostages?" the redhead offered.
"And… hostages are supposed to stay put until told otherwise?" the undercover princess guessed.
"Ah, I see the problem. Those are the rules for when we're on land. When we're at sea, hostages have nowhere to run. So for all intents and purposes, they're part of the crew of the ship. And we have a rule on this ship." Kaya held up a finger, the motion filled with all the authority of fate itself. "Those who do not work… do not eat."
As if on cue, both their stomachs growled.
So fast they left an afterimage, the two vanished from the relative haven of the galley to appear on deck. They began to shovel as if their lives depended on it.
"Hey, watch it! You almost messed up 'Snow King'!"
"It looks fantastic, darling!" Kaya called out, once again just a charming young woman.
It had gone from funny to irritating to terrifying and back three or four times by now.
"No wall stands in the way of a true lady. Not even the fourth," Kaya whispered to the wind.
Gulp.
Brook sipped deeply from his cup of tea, seated at the same table the two had just vacated. The Baroque Works agents had been too 'polite' to react to the skeleton's presence. He sighed. "I miss Laboon."
Alvida glanced at him. "Um, hasn't it only been half an hour?"
It goes without saying that the look Brook sent her was empty. He had no eyeballs. "Your point being?"
Luffy paused from crafting Mr. Snowman 2.0 to look at the sky. His trademark grin split his face. "Break's over, everyone! The fun's about to start!"
The flash of lightning and crackle of thunder punctuated his statement.
As the sky began to experience static electricity's badass grandpa, the ships were suddenly hit with a fierce headwind.
"Damn, what's going on? This weather is insane," grumbled one of the pedalers on the Baratie.
Zeff snorted from his spot by the periscope. "This is the Grand Line. The wind, the sky, the waves, the clouds, you can't trust any of them on this ocean." He paused. "Makes for some nice evolutionary conditions. The fish here are some of the best in the world. If I didn't know it would tear, I'd be dragging a net behind us right now."
Jango was almost blinded as a worryingly close fork made the snow on deck flash blindingly. "Why do I get the feeling things are about to get very, very weird?"
Shemp eyed the huddled forms of the pets. "What's with them?"
"It's their instinct," said Gaimon, right in the middle with his precious nakama of twenty years.
"Instinct?" questioned Mohji, who was trying and failing to fend off Richie's attempts to cuddle him like a teddy bear.
"When animals sense bad weather coming, they sit."
Some of the Don crew were having pretty serious flashbacks. "Woge! You sure you can get us through this this time?"
The charitable pirate (and wasn't that just a contradiction in terms) shakily nodded. "Um, I think so. We have a Log Pose this time. Can't believe I never heard of those. Nami-sensei said she found them after looking for five minutes in Loguetown."
Gin grimaced. "Krieg didn't bother to do any research. He just charged in and trusted his guns and army of human shields would save him. Don Luffy won't ever make that mistake."
"Yeah! The Don would never charge blindly into a fight and risk the lives of his crew!" agreed one of the nearby extras.
Luffy sneezed. "Huh. I sense a disturbance in the Voice. As if the entire world laughed its ass off at once, and then bitter ironic silence. Hmm… must be a mystery."
Nami sighed as the sails buckled and the ship started to veer slightly from the sheer strength of the storm wind. "I'd say 'turn the braceyard', but why waste my breath?"
In that moment, the wind turned on a dime to come from the side. The storm clouds vanished as quickly as they arrived, the sun came out, and the temperature at least doubled.
"Ah, the first sign of spring," sighed Buggy cheerfully, retreating to his happy place.
Buchi felt his heart beat double-time as he desperately tried to calculate how to adjust to the wind without crashing into anyone. "Heave! Heave like you're being paid for it! Heave or I'll sit on you!"
Patty spotted something as he tried to keep the Baratie's foresail from tearing. "Owner! Pod of dolphins off the port bow! Should I fetch the harpoons?"
"Dude, you'd eat Flipper? What is the matter with you?" demanded Carne.
One of the Don Pirates, one of the oldest and proudest members of the fleet by the name of Frederick, panicked when he spotted something from the crow's nest. "Iceberg, dead ahead!"
Usopp gripped the rail as the waves suddenly tripled in height and made the ship rock. "Luffy, smash it! Or Zoro, slice it! Sanji, melt it! Someone do SOMETHING about the wall of steel-hard ice before we CRASH!"
"On it!" Luffy called, raising his leg high as he jumped into the air. "Gomu Gomu no Tempest Axe!" He brought down his leg with all the weight and recoil of his body, sending what wasn't so much a blade as a pillar of energy at the offending sea glacier, obliterating it to ice chips. Luffy landed, then looked up. "Huh, good that I did that quick. This fog is making it hard to see!"
Zoro felt his eye twitch as he watched the weather experience more shifts than an ADHD squirrel's focus. "Okay, maybe the witch had a point."
The Baratie shuddered as it collided with a submerged chunk of the iceberg that was still big. "BREACH!" shouted the pedalers, as they leaped to their feet to escape the water already up to their ankles.
"WHO SAID YOU COULD STOP PEDALING, YOU SHITTY BABY EGGPLANTS?!" roared Zeff as, without even looking away from the periscope, he hooked an iron plate from near his shoe up into the air and kicked it with such force that it embedded itself into the wall around the leak, effectively plugging it.
The chefs gulped and went back to their bikes. On second thought, drowning was a better way to go than being cooked alive as punishment.
The crew of the Bezan Black all fell to their feet as the ship shook. There was much creaking and groaning of wood as the Blitz was forced to bend around the ship, unable to plow through.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" screamed the indignant cats.
"GIVE US A BREAK! WE'RE BLIND IN THIS FOG!" shot back the harried yakuza.
Gale force winds came from nowhere to blow the fog away. Unfortunately, it also began to tear the sails.
"Take in canvass!" bellowed Nami. "Butterfingers, hard a-starboard!"
Alvida grunted as she focused all her strength into tilting the wooden lever only for it to slip from her hands and her to slide across the floor until her head hit the wall. "Are you kidding me?!" she cried out.
"I've got it!" Brook shouted, putting his full weight into shoving the helm. Unfortunately, as someone light enough to run on water, that wasn't saying much.
Miss Wednesday looked into the black horizon with hollow eyes. "It's coming," she whispered.
Cabaji clutched his new sword to his chest as he witnessed a class-4 cyclone form and touch down into the water barely a stone's throw in front of them. "What is wrong with this ocean?" he howled in terror.
"Do you want the list in alphabetical order OR BY FUCKING FLASHY CATEGORY?!" Buggy facetiously hollered, his head hovering over the crew as he coordinated his various parts to help around the ship.
Mohmoo seriously considered just swimming away. But what if the scary two-legs sent the BIG blue fish after him? So, crying silent tears of defeat, he kept pace with the ships.
The world dissolved into sweat and panic and adrenaline. The Armada sailed through a labyrinth of nautical nightmares, pushing themselves to the limit to keep up with the demands of survival lest they fall short and cross over into the great unknown. Food was a bite of onigiri before dropping it in the rush to the next crisis, drink whatever rain was caught in your mouth before it was washed down by seawater as a wave washed over the deck and nearly took you with it.
Every minute was an age, every second a burning agony as weary bodies cried out for relief. Many a man became convinced that they would die there, in that swirling chaos of wind and waves. And still they pushed on, driven by the weight of their nakama at their backs, and the undaunted laughter of their captain.
Nature threw everything it had at them. And they endured.
Until, at long last, it ended.
The five ships floated gently, bopping up and down through the calm water. Battered and bruised, but still standing. Seagulls flew serenely on the breeze.
The pirate coalition, to a man, were laid out flat on the decks. Bodies trembled as oxygen starved muscles refused to move but overstimulated nerves forced them to anyway. Blood stained the deck from countless blisters that had formed and burst on their hands and feet. Quite a few drooled, too exhausted even to swallow or close their jaws.
Zoro wiped sweat from his brow, trying to breathe through the pain of lactic acid setting his mending muscles aflame. "Damn. How the hell did I sleep through that last time?"
"If even you don't know, perhaps we're not meant to," moaned Usopp, his head pillowed on Kaya's chest. The heiress herself lay shell shocked, a thousand-yard stare looking up into the clear, blue sky. She didn't even seem aware he was there.
"Oh, my aching bones," groaned Brook, collapsed into a pile near the mast. "I think I pulled something in my soul."
"That doesn't make any sense," snarled Sanji, staring forlornly at the tip of the cigarette in his mouth. Short of spontaneous combustion, he wasn't going to enjoy it. It hurt too much to pull out his lighter.
Luffy frowned from his special seat down at the prone Frontier Agents. "It really is pretty mean of you guys to attack people right after they go through that. I mean, that's just not fair."
"So this is my lowest point," Vivi whispered to herself. "Getting a lecture on fairness from a pirate."
Mr. 9 was too busy watching the red spots to say anything.
The other crews were hardly better off. Worse, actually. They were in far inferior physical condition to three-fifths of the Going Merry's current population.
"Anyone have a nice clam I can crawl into?" panted Pearl. He had dumped his shields early on, figuring he couldn't afford to waste stamina lugging them around. His shirt had been lost in a rogue wave, so everyone could see the various claw marks crisscrossing his husky body, souvenirs of his time in the jungle.
"If you have the energy to make puns about your name, you didn't work as hard as the rest of us," barked Hustle.
Jango sighed. "You know, it's times like these when I regret not fucking off to an island somewhere, hypnotizing the locals into thinking I'm their god, and living carefree for the rest of my life."
"You know," spoke up Whiskers, "the Kumate Tribe of cannibals believe that any god that walks the earth must be trapped in mortal form. Thus it is their duty and honor to… 'release' them from their fleshy prison."
Jango gulped. "Never mind."
"If I never see a storm cloud again, it will be too soon," Larry whined piteously.
Buggy's hat shadowed his face. "You think that was bad? There's an island in the New World where it rains lightning."
Larry chuckled, thinking his captain was trying to distract him from his pain by making up a ridiculously worse thing to compare it too. "Right. And is there also an island where you can run on the wind?"
A blue mist seeped from Buggy's pores. "You think you're joking."
Kadoo's eyes hurt to blink. "Oh yeah, I'm definitely digging into my stash of kratom tonight."
In the bowels of the Baratie, a cook named Lance known for his strong arm in tenderizing meat was the only one still pedaling. "Hmm. I think I'm starting to like this cycling thing."
"What are you on, dope?" growled the other fifteen.
Zeff climbed the stairs to the restaurant level, to find the whole place in complete disarray. Shattered porcelain was strewn across the floor, and the chairs had somehow arranged themselves into a barricade at the door blocking the cooks on sail duty from coming back in. "I'm not paying for this," he muttered.
Nami felt the sudden urge to cut off the next mustache she saw.
Shaking her head at the random thought, she searched for the bullhorn. Finding it somehow in the heart of her tangerine grove, she called out to the rest of the Armada. "SOUND OFF! WHO'S NOT DEAD?"
Over three hundred groans sounded back.
"SHAKE IT OFF, BOYS! THE WORST IS OVER! THAT WAS SEVEN ISLANDS FIGHTING EACH OTHER. FROM HERE ON OUT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE TWO OR THREE!"
The majority of the exhausted men perked up at that.
"UNTIL THE SECOND HALF OF THE GRAND LINE, WHERE THE POWER AND RANGE OF EACH ISLAND IS EXPONENTIALLY GREATER AND WE MAY LITERALLY WIND UP SURFING A TSUNAMI IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A FLAMING WHIRLPOOL!"
The ripple caused by all the pirates slamming their heads against the deck actually generated a decent wave.
"BUT THAT'S NOT FOR A WHILE! AND IT STABILIZES AROUND EACH ISLAND. WHICH IS WHY WE'RE ALL ENJOYING A LOVELY SUMMER DAY. LAND HO, BOYS! SAY HELLO TO CACTUS ISLAND!"
The Armada staggered to their feet. They all looked at the horizon and were treated to their first glimpse of a Grand Line island.
"That's a funny looking island."
"What big cacti!"
"We might be here a while while the Log sets… don't you hate it when you have to use the same word twice in a row?"
"I don't know about that. But didn't Nami-sama mention those two that tried to attack Laboon were from here? If we're using them as hostages, that must mean the people there are pretty hostile."
"Can you imagine the kind of tequila you could make from those buggers?"
Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday eyed each other. As one, they sprung to their feet and dashed for the railing.
"Thanks for the ride, honey!" she called out.
"Bye-bye, babies!" he tacked on.
The two leaped, going into textbook diving position, their escape all but complete… only to be yanked out of the air by two rubbery limbs.
The Baroque Works agents found themselves jerked back into the crushing grip of something too strong to be called a hug.
"Why you trying to run, guys? Don't you wanna introduce us to your friends? You wouldn't want to miss the party we're going to have, right? Shishishishi!"
Transparent copies of themselves seemed to fly up and out of the two of them. See, they had forgotten one crucial fact.
Luffy was Kaya's captain.
They were dead. Like, so dead. Like OMG dead.
"Oh dear. It seems the lesson didn't take. We shall have to remedy that."
The pair turned the sickly grey of a corpse.
Correction. They were dead and buried.
"What's that I hear? My hostages tried to make a break for it before I could ransom them?"
A blue and an orange puddle seemed to ooze out of Luffy's arms onto the deck.
Further correction. They were dead, buried, decomposed, reincarnated as grass, that grass eaten by a cow, and about to be shat out as manure.
Some days, it just doesn't pay to attempt a jailbreak.
Yeah… I think I'll leave you there. It's been almost a month since my last update. And I just know that the reunion with Robin is going to be a bitch and a half to pull off, and I don't want to make you wait even longer as I wrestle it into submission.
Little announcement. I have decided, after all the overwhelmingly positive feedback I've gotten over the years for this and other fics, that I should take a stab at an actual original work. Of course this means the updates might get stretched out even more as the few times I manage to sit myself down to right, I will have to decide between this, my Harry Potter experiment, and the Voted-Most-Likely-To-Crash-And-Burn endeavor I am now committing to.
I have SUCH things planned for the future, twists you wouldn't believe. Please bear with me as I oh-so-slowly coax them out of my head and onto my screen.
Oh, and not that any of you have reason to care, but I actually have a date on my calendar. Yes, I am peeking my head out of my (steel-plated, razor-wire wrapped) turtle shell to actually interact with carbon-based lifeforms that aren't my family or paid to deal with me. Huzzah!
And now I shall await the tide of reviews mad at the base breaker that is my random Gin/Buggy pairing. Enjoy your day, good reader.