A/N: I'm very pleased and proud (and just had to share my happiness with you, especially because many of the readers of this fic are also Artemis Fowl fans) that Orion Awards, an Artemis Fowl fansite has recently launched a fan zine and chosen me as their first ever Author of the Month. They interviewed me and wrote a longish article on me and my AF fanfics (even the Bartimaeus fandom got mentioned, as I'm currently posting a novel-length fic here...) I found the article really, really flattering, as no one has ever written one about me :) I put a link to the article into my ffnet bio, among the 'Artemis Fowl related links', in case you're interested in it :)))

The second thing I'm proud of is that my one-shot Barty fic, 'Nathaniel's Gift' tied for first place in the angst challenge on Bartiforums. com (I deliberately put a space there, or ffnet would have stripped it…)

This is pretty much a bridge chapter, I hope it won't bore you.

Review responses sent out as usual.

Also thanks to: Musica Diabolos, Soul-out-of-control, LandUnderWave, Saldaen farmgirl, Rebel Rose, Fredryck, uptowngirl48, Queen Dragon, pi-fan92, mewhoelse, Mistri, Tonks' Admirer, gremlin, Krzysztoffa, fikle, BobtheFrog, azimataiji, Starfire Gracen, Astrensi, Aiko Moonchild, siriuslycute613, Kiriu, XxBlackChaosxX, Rekhyt, Four Strings

Chapter 13

Jane Finds Out About Nat's Misfortune, Making Him Even More Unfortunate

(Why, What Else Did You Expect From Chapter Thirteen?)

Ever since I had moved into Nat's house, this was the first night they weren't going at it like a pair of rabbits. They weren't going at it at all. They spent the night in the same room, in the same bed, facing away from each other, both of them pretending to be asleep. However, you didn't need to be a genius to tell that they were wide awake, the cogwheels in their heads working overtime.

I suspected that Kitty was disappointed by Nathaniel's lack of enthusiasm about their baby; as for Nat, I was pretty much sure he was scared to death. Mind you, in his place I too would have been. Yes, even the bravest, most noble creatures can feel scared once in a while. And I'm not talking about the kid this time (I'm talking about myself. Just mentioning it, in case you didn't figure. Nat was by no means brave or noble).

I was also trying to suppress my guilt over having caused them so much trouble. Having caused Kitty trouble, that is. Why should I have been sorry for Nathaniel? He didn't deserve it, the jumped-up little wimp. No, honestly, he didn't deserve my sympathy. That's why I was wondering why I was still feeling sympathetic towards him. I think it was because I have a huge heart and noble character. And definitely not because I liked the kid in any way. The mere assumption is an insult! So, remember never to insinuate that I am fond of Nathaniel because I'm not. Period.

I was wondering how I could possibly avoid telling that tramp (that is to say, my mistress) about the pregnancy. It was a problem. A huge one. I could perhaps lie to her that nothing of importance happened with the lovebirds, but if I wanted to be released from her service, I needed to give her information that she could use against Nat. And this child was just the piece of information she had been waiting for.

Pangs of remorse surged up in me, but I fought them back. I was a djinni who longed for freedom, after all. It is only natural that I would seize any opportunity to be released from the Tramp's service. Don't frown like that! Would you have sacrificed your freedom to defend a whelp who had caused you more trouble than your previous masters put together? If your answer is 'no', then you're a sensible person. If 'yes', then I can only advise you to visit your psychiatrist, as soon as possible.

Suddenly I heard a sniff. As I looked closer, I saw tears running down Kitty's cheek. She wiped her face with the sleeve of her nightshirt. I would have sighed if I could. Seeing her misery, I despised myself for what I was about to do.

Apparently Kitty's sniff hadn't gone unnoticed by Nat, because he turned around and gently caught her arm. She rolled onto her back, no longer trying to stifle her sobs.

"Don't cry," the kid said, reaching out to wipe her tears. "Everything will be fine."

"But you don't want this child," she replied accusingly.

"I… I… It's just too shocking… I wasn't expecting this… and I don't know how to react." Yeah, of course. The dumbest moulder would have seen through his lies, but Kitty only heard what she wanted to hear.

"Will you be able to love it?" she asked.

Nat, admit that you won't.

"I… I will try. But you know we can never call it 'son' or 'daughter'. It may never find out we're its parents. It will be an apprentice, whom you can spoil to your heart's content, but I'm not in the position to show it much affection. In its own interest, I can only be its master, not its father."

"In its own interest?" Kitty replied, shrugging off his hand. "In your interest, you mean."

"Kitty, don't start this 'selfish magician' thing again," Nathaniel groaned.

Why not? – I asked myself. She was right, after all…

"Listen, I know I'm far from perfect…"

Well spotted, Nat.

"…but you seemed to have accepted me like this. I'm not a good person, Kitty. I don't think I've ever been. Yes, I care for my career and my position a lot, and most of the time I ignore others' needs and wishes, but this is how I am. I'm simply not a family man-type... But I promise you I will provide for our child as well as I can. It will never be in need, and I will support it in its career as well. It can't legally inherit my properties, but I will make sure it gets a well-paid job, and-"

Kitty's chuckle interrupted Nat's series of promises. Promises that, knowing him, he might not keep.

"Do you realise you're planning about twenty years ahead?" she said, her voice sounding amused.

"Well…"

Kitty sat up, smiling down at him. "What you've just said proved me that you'll be a good father, Nathaniel. You don't want to admit it to yourself that you're capable of it, but I believe in you."

"Good for you," the kid replied with a half-hearted smile. It was obvious to me that he didn't believe in himself being a good father. I didn't, either.

"Oh, and Nathaniel…"

"Yes?"

"Don't call our baby 'it'. It sounds so… impersonal. Almost rude."

"What shall we call it, then?"

"For now… he?"

Nathaniel shook his head. "She."

To tell you the truth, I was surprised. Nat didn't strike me as a guy who'd like to have a daughter. Snobs like him usually wanted a male heir, because they thought it was a much more macho thing.

Kitty bent, her nose almost touching his. "She?"

"I hope. I can't pass down my family name to our kid either way, so why would I be happier with a son when I could have a daughter as beautiful and dangerous as you?"

Kitty chuckled. "I love you, Nathaniel."

Phhh. I had been wrong. The 'going at it like rabbits' part hadn't been left out this night, it had only been delayed.

o o o O O O o o o

Nathaniel seemed to be in a better mood in the morning, and one would have thought he had accepted the cruel reality, but I, who had served all sorts of hypocrites and dissemblers through the ages, easily saw through his mask of pretended happiness. I wasn't sure that Kitty too did, though, as she wasn't in the condition to pay much attention to Nat's mood, because she was suffering from another horrible bout of morning sickness. The kid again helped her by pulling back her hair and even gave her an encouraging smile when handing her a towel, but it was all just a show.

Believe me, it was. Don't you believe me? Then answer me this: can you imagine Nathaniel of all people being suddenly overjoyed by the prospect of having to buy a house in the countryside, having to live separately from his wife for eight months (which entails a serious and lengthy sex-deprivation), then having to take a kid in as his apprentice when he absolutely hates children? Now admit that you can't. What makes you think he doesn't hate children? Just look at him! He's a longhaired dandy who loves comfort, beautiful women and ordering people and demons around. Not to mention that he's stuck-up, selfish and overall evil. Is this a typical family man? Is this your ideal father-material? If yes, then you really need to visit your psychiatrist. There, there, don't be upset, you might not be a lost cause if you seek help quick enough.

Once Kitty was finished with throwing up, they returned to the bedroom to dress. "You will need to buy maternity clothes, you know," the kid told her. As if it weren't obvious. "And the sooner the better. We have to arrange everything before you start showing. I'll buy a house and a smaller car to visit you over the weekends…"

Aha, visiting over the weekends! So he didn't intend to live completely without sex. How naive of me to think of that…

"…after all, no one in the village is supposed to find out that I'm a magician, and if I drive a limousine, it would give me away sooner or later. I too will buy a few simpler clothes…"

Jeans and t-shirt? I'd love to see you wearing stuff like that, Nat, I thought. It had been years since I had last seen him wearing anything less pompous than an Armani suit.

"…and you have to buy simple maternity dresses too. I doubt if I will be recognised by the village people in shabby clothes, and you surely won't – the commoners might have seen you on T.V., but you were wearing a fancy wedding dress then. If you wear everyday clothes, no one will recognise you as my wife. You might as well dye your hair, just to be safe. But you'd better shop in a cheaper part of London. Wear your old clothes and sunglasses. We don't want any magician to spot you shopping for maternity clothes. That's all for now."

Wow, that kid really loved organising things and ordering people around! At least this time it wasn't me whom he was ordering around. But Kitty didn't seem much happier about it than I had whenever Nat gave me new instructions. She was eyeing him questioningly.

"What?" Nathaniel frowned.

"Nothing," she replied.

"Okay. See you in the evening."

With that, he kissed her on the cheek and left.

Kitty dropped herself on the bed, sighing. "Why do you always have to be so darn pragmatic?" she whispered, and I knew what she meant. Nat hadn't for a second asked for her opinion. He hadn't asked whether she wanted to move to a village at the back of beyond, whether she wanted to dye her hair and whether she wanted any instructions from him at all. Apparently Nathaniel hadn't been used to anyone opposing him. That is to say, he must have already forgotten what it had been like to have me in his service. This made me want to grin evilly. And I would have, if I hadn't been in my spider form. To my great regret, spiders can't grin.

o o o O O O o o o

That day Nathaniel was less distracted than the previous day, but still distracted enough for Jane to notice.

"This is the second stack you've dropped within two days," she pointed out to him on the Parliament corridor when she found him trying to collect about a hundred papers from the floor.

Nathaniel looked up with a grim expression. "Everyone can have a tiring week."

"Funny," she said, amused. "Earlier when you had a tiring week, you came to me for a good shag. What, is your little wife no longer letting you into her bed?"

"My sexual life is none of your business, Miss Farrar. If you don't mind, I have work to do."

She stared after his receding figure, deciding that she needed to summon Bartimaeus. Something was going on with John and she wanted to find out as soon as possible.

o o o O O O o o o

I materialised in a summoning chamber as I had several times since the Tramp had decided to send me spy on the kid. Sometimes, mostly over the weekends, she summoned me at her home, but on weekdays she did it a summoning chamber, presumably at Whitehall. Every time she summoned me here, she put a shield around the room to make sure that no one would manage to eavesdrop on our conversations. I suspected she was afraid of Nat's influence and connections. The kid would manage to destroy her if it ever turned out that she was working against him. Jane Farrar was, after all, only a second level magician, and a minor MP, not even a minister without portfolio, while the kid was a fourth-level magician, a minister and the personal favourite of Deveraux's. Honestly, I would have been happy if once, just once, the Tramp had forgotten to put that shield around the room and someone had found out about her evil plans.

Yes, again, I was feeling compassion for the kid. He was a jerk, but still a bit nicer person than my current mistress.

I appeared in the pentacle in the form of a ballet dancer and pirouetted a bit. Swan Lake, my favourite. And no, I wasn't wearing a tutu. I was a male ballet dancer.

"Stop this idiocy this instant!" the Tramp snapped.

Oh well. Some people just can't appreciate art.

"Would you like the Nutcracker instead?" I asked with an innocent smile.

She didn't return my smile. Not that I had expected her to. She began speaking, her voice excited: "I've noticed that John is apprehensive about something. He has been distracted for days. Something must be really troubling him, and you will tell me what."

"Why do you think I know what's troubling him?" I replied, observing my fingernails.

"You know it," she said darkly. Her voice was filled with lust for knowledge. She made me sick, really. Most of the time I liked serving males better, because females could be crueller. The Tramp was no exception, and I hated her. But if I told her now what she wanted to know, she would set me free for sure. Sometimes a djinni has to swallow his pride and do nasty things for the greater good (his freedom).

"All right, I do." I made a pout, sleeking my shiny, blond hair. I was absolutely gorgeous in this form. It was a wonder that Miss Farrar hadn't fallen in love with me at first sight. (Ewww… I'll need to edit this out later.)

"So?" She asked, her arms akimbo.

"So… Kitty's pregnant."

"She's… WHAT?"

Yeah, I had been expecting a reaction like this. These magicians are really so dumb when it comes to reproduction. Why, Nat's reaction had been the same when Kitty told him she was late. 'But… but that's impossible! We were protected!' Oh, come on. Had these people never heard of failed contraceptive measures?

"Pregnant," I repeated. "Expecting. Knocked-up. Has a bun in the o-"

"I know what pregnant means!" Miss Farrar snapped.

"Okay, I was just trying to explain, as you didn't seem to have understood first time around…"

She rolled her eyes. "Are you sure about this?"

"Absolutely. Kitty's two weeks late, has been throwing up for days and even that stick she peed on turned blue." No kidding, I checked it in her bathroom after she began rubbing her stomach muttering about 'little Nat'. "And the reason why Johnnie boy is upset is that he never wanted this child and knows he has to hide it from the magicians as it's forbidden, and…"

"But… how could he impregnate her with the shield around the house?" My mistress interrupted. How rude of her. "Or… did they do it somewhere outside a protected area?"

"I can't talk about this," I replied with a dignified expression.

"Why not?" she growled.

"Because you, dear Mistress, forbade me to mention anything about that."

She heaved a sigh. "Okay, I withdraw that order. Talk."

I smirked at her. "All right, the statistics: total 64 times within four weeks, 33 of which took place in John's bedroom, 6 in Kitty's, 10 under the shower, 12 in the swimming pool and 3 in the kitchen. None outside the Mandrake estate. However, while they thought they were protected all along, they weren't."

The Tramp gave me a curious glance.

I made a grimace. "It was me. When I first arrived at the kid's house, I saw that the defence nexus and the contraceptive shield were interlocked – surely the work of a highly untalented djinni. I had to disable both to get into the house, and I sort of… forgot to restore them in time."

Miss Farrar gaped at me like a fish. At that moment she didn't look pretty in the least. Then, all of a sudden, an evil smile appeared on her face. In seconds, she was practically beaming. "That's perfect! Oh, Bartimaeus, I could kiss you!"

"I'd prefer if you didn't…" I grunted, taking a step backwards, as much as the pentacle would let me.

"John is trying to hide the pregnancy, huh? How is he planning to do it?"

I sighed. I was having a bad feeling about this. I didn't want to ruin Nat's life (okay, perhaps I wouldn't have minded ruining his life a bit, but Kitty's I really didn't want to), but I had to, in my own interest.

Magicians have always been so nasty – siccing djinn at each other… but this was the first time that a new master of mine sicced me at a former one. I was really getting pangs of remorse, but I had to finish what I started. Freedom above all!

"To put it in a nutshell: he plans to take Kitty to the countryside where she gives birth, they put the kid in the local orphanage and claim it as his apprentice when it turns five."

"Really?" The Tramp looked contemplative, the evil little smile never leaving her face. "Which village is he taking her to?"

"No idea, I don't think they've chosen a location yet."

"Then I want you to keep spying on them and deliver me the location. And better, spy on them until they give their child a name. I want to know the child's birth name. Just in case."

Uh-oh. This definitely wasn't good. Especially because it meant that I was bound to this world for another few months at least. "Do you realise that they might not name the kid before it's born?" I asked, politely trying to remind my mistress that I was getting really impatient with this job.

To my bad luck, she didn't seem to notice, or even if she did, she didn't care. "So what? You'll deliver me the name after the birth, then. The name of the kid and the location of the orphanage it's put into. That's all I want."

"But that's another eight months!" I burst out. To hell with politeness, I was getting desperate to leave this place! Normally I wasn't whiny, but certain situations definitely require some whining. This one was one of them.

My mistress gave me a withering glance. "You will keep an eye on John. I expect he will keep visiting his little wife in the countryside, and whenever he does, you go with him, unnoticed. Should anything else… anything of importance arise, you report to me. And I promise you to dismiss you as soon as you deliver me the baby's and the orphanage's name."

With a rather morose expression on my insanely handsome face, I extended a hand. "Deal."

She didn't take it. "Go now, and find out everything you can about our John's precious baby…" She let out a sharp laugh. "Oh my, just imagine John and a baby!"

At least we agreed on one thing: the kid having a kid was a ridiculous mental image. But I didn't feel like laughing at all. Guilt tore at my heart as I departed from the summoning chamber. I had betrayed Nat and Kitty for nothing – the Tramp hadn't released me, after all. I seriously hoped that she would keep her promise and set me free when I delivered her the information she asked for, or… I didn't know what I would do if she didn't. I'd be mad, that was clear.

Feeling horribly sorry for Nat, Kitty and their unborn child, I returned to the house of Mandrake.

o o o O O O o o o

A/N: reviews are most welcome. Next chapter will hold a bit of a surprise for you, so stay tuned :)