Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

~ Chapter Thirteen ~

~ "& even as my eyes fill with tears, I swear I won't cry." ~

I felt a lot better after that day, I was even starting to feel better about what had happened. I know it wasn't Will, I had always known that. I blamed the drink from the very beginning and now I was beginning to accept that. I missed him and that was that, even after what he had done. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone else. I could carry on wishing that I didn't, and as much as I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't... I still did. It was hard loving someone as much as I loved him, especially when everything was against us. It was hard enough loving someone but even harder when you know you shouldn't.

I finally got into my car, smiling. Maybe everything would be better when he gets out. I would take it slowly, but I had a good feeling about it. I sighed, looking up at the large building and could feel myself looking forward to my next visit. Everything was going to be okay after all.

When I got home Emily was there to question me, I smiled at her and nodding when it was required. I let her know that everything was okay,

"He is getting better, he's doing so well."

"Good... how was he?"

"Better than when I last saw him. He is obviously going through withdrawal at the moment but he still looks a lot better." I smiled, shrugging,

"I wasn't so scared of him towards the end."

"And that's a good thing?" Emily sounded uncertain, and I realized that none of them would be happy about us getting back together once he was okay again,

"I thought it would be horrible, but it felt okay. I knew he was trying to get better, you know?" She nodded,

"I am sure he will as well."

"We had to see his counsellor, his name was Simon. He told me about taking things slowly and when Will gets out, to act like it was the beginning of our relationship all over again."

"I think that's a good idea."

"I just want to see what he's like before I make any decisions." I could feel my eyes fill wiith tears as I spoke, falling down my face as Emily wrapped her arms around me,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know... it's just, I am so confused about what to do. I love him so much but I don't want to. I want him back Em, but I want the real Will, the one I fell in love with back. I don't want the raging alcoholic, I miss him so much." I sobbed into her shoulder,

"It's okay to love him, even after everything. I know how wrong it all was, but we both know that Will would never do that to you sober." Alcohol has different effects on people, it just happened to make him violent... very violent. I hate him for what he did to you and I don't want to see him again, but I would for you. I could forgive him but I am am always going to be here for you. If you think he is even having a tiny sip, then I expect you back here, straight away No nonsense this time, okay?" I nodded, pulling away to wipe my tears when I saw Henry heading our way,

"Mummy?" He shouted, running up to us and I smiled at him, he wrapped his arms around my neck as I lifted him up onto the counter.

"What's wrong?" He asked me, moving his hand to wipe away my tears,

"Nothing baby." I ruffled his hair,

"Is it daddy?" I looked at him confused as I looked him in the eye,

"If he hurted you again mummy, I would hurted him." He smiled at me, wrapping his arms around my neck again, I smiled,

"Thank you, and if anyone hurt you, I would do the same."

"Love you mummy." I rubbed his back,

"Love you too." I said as I put him back down so he could run off and play. Emily grinned at me,

"You're an amazing mother, he loves you so much." I shrugged, blushing at the compliment.

"He's an amazing boy... I have no idea what I would do without him."

~ .. ~

That evening we were watching a film when the phone rang, I looked as Emily handed it to me, confused, who would phone me?

"Hello?"

"Hello! I hope you don't mind me phoning you?" I grinned, running up the stairs once I knew who it was,

"No! It's fine."

"How are you?"

"Great thanks, and yourself?"I tried not to sound like a love struck teenager as I spoke,

"I am good, even better after seeing you today." I grinned just as wide as a Cheshire cat and then blushed,

"Yeah, it was good.|"

"I miss you." He sounded so sad,

"I miss you too.."

"I love you and today I realized how much I need and want you. I miss you so much I can hardly cope without you, and I know the only way to get you back is to stop all of this drinking, and believe me I will. I am never going to touch another drop ever again and if I ever did I would put myself straight back in here."

"Good, promise me you will take it slow?" I asked, laying back on my bed,

"Yes, I will come to Emily's and pretend that it's our first date." I could hear him laughing on the other end,

"Now that would be interesting.." I said, laughing as well,

"I would love to start all over again." I finally whispered, after a while.

"Me too." He sighed,

"I never meant any of it and I am going to make sure it never happens again."

"I hope not..." I trailed off as the thought of going through it all again went through my mind.

"I don't think I could do it all again Will." I sat back up, looking down at the floor,

"I really don't want to have to."

"I will do everything I can to make sure you don't have to. I don't think I could put you through that again, I hate myself for what I did."

"I hate you too..."

"I can understand that... do you hate me now?"

"I am starting to understand you." I whispered, biting my lip, not sure what else to say,

"I think I am starting to understand me as well, I know what makes me tick and I know what would make me go over the edge again. I just need to avoid those things."

"Well then, when you feel like that just tell me. I will always be here for you, I will always be here to talk to you, maybe I can help?"

"Yes, that would be great." I could almost hear the smile in his voice, and my heart melted a little. I wanted to tell him right there and then just how much I loved him, and how each day without him was getting harder and harder, how each day without him was so much more painful than the last.

"I should go now, there is a large queue." He laughed,

"Okay then bye."

"Bye baby." I put the phone down, wiping tears from my face, I couldn't tell him all of that because maybe then he would win. I didn't know what he would win,but I couldn't trust him yet. I didn't know what to do with my feelings for him, everything was so confusing and so hard.