Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Phoebe is sitting in the chair next to him.
Monica: I met this chef yesterday, and he said that every morning he did finger exercises to keep up his finger dexterity.
Joey holds up his index finger and begins bending it and unbending it.
Joey: You mean like this?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: What a dork.
Chandler walks his two fingers around like legs and makes them walk upwards.
Chandler: Hey, look, I'm doing the steps!
Chandler lowers his fingers slightly and makes them parallel to the coffee table.
Chandler: I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Chandler looks around.
Chandler: I'm a dork, too.
Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch, facing each other.
Joey: You're pregnant?
Phoebe: Yes!
Joey: And you don't want to tell Mike?
Phoebe: No, I will, I just want to make sure I tell him exactly right. You know how, when a guy proposes, he wants it to be at the right time in the right way?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Well, what about when you tell somebody you love them, and you do it in this really special way, with all this planning?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: When you ask someone on a date?
Joey: You know, you'd think I did a lot of planning, but still no.
Phoebe: Anyway, I want to tell him in the perfect way.
Joey: Wait, so I'm the only one who knows this?
Phoebe: Besides me.
Joey: Hey, we've got a secret now!
Phoebe: I know, isn't it fun?
Joey: Yeah, I- wait a second. No, I just remembered! Oh, no, Phoebe, I hate keeping secrets!
Phoebe: What are you talking about? You kept Chandler and Monica's secret when they started dating.
Joey: It was killing me, Phoebe, I hated it! I can't do this, I have to tell somebody!
Phoebe: No, Joey, you can be strong. You only have to wait until tonight. That's when I'm telling him.
Joey: Yeah, I guess.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe stands up and walks toward the door.
Joey: Wait! Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Can you get me a beer?
Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Rachel.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hi.
Ross and Rachel kiss.
Rachel: You will never guess who I ran into today.
Ross: The Naked Cowboy?
Rachel: No… Tag!
Ross: Who?
Rachel: Tag. My assistant that I was dating?
Ross: Oh! Yeah. How is he?
Rachel: He's great, he finally got back together with his ex-girlfriend, and they're engaged. We had lunch, and he is so grown-up now, Ross, you wouldn't believe it. Do you remember how he was on my thirtieth birthday?
Ross: Didn't he spend the whole time riding a scooter in the hall?
Rachel: Yeah. He's really mature now, though, I mean, it's surprising what a few years can change.
Ross: So, is he coming over tonight? Should we be expecting guests?
Rachel: No. I just thought it would be too weird inviting an ex over.
Ross (nervously): Oh, yeah, way too weird. I mean, too weird for us to handle. Just…out there, you know?
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Mm-hm?
Rachel: What's wrong?
Ross: Oh, nothing, you know.
A toilet flush is heard. Enter Mona from the bathroom.
Mona: Hi, Rachel!
Rachel raises her eyebrows at Ross. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's living room. Chandler is sitting on the couch, holding Jack. Enter Monica with a shopping bag.
Monica: Hi, honey. Guess what I bought?
Chandler: A Snuggie?
Monica: No, Chandler, will you let it go? It's just a backwards bathrobe!
Chandler: So, what did you get?
Monica: Beads!
A pause.
Chandler (confusedly): Oh?
Monica: They're to string over the doorway to our bedroom.
Chandler: You mean to use as a barrier between our room and the rest of the hall?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler (sarcastically): Well, that's good, because it's not like we have a door or something that could do that.
Monica: Come on! I like them, and I think they'll look good.
Chandler: Fine. But you have to put them up.
Monica: Yay! Decorating!
Monica exits. Chandler holds Jack up to his face.
Chandler: Mommy's crazy…
Monica reenters.
Monica: What?
Chandler (to Jack): Daddy's in trouble.
Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel is standing by the doorway. Ross is standing in front of her. Mona is standing by the window.
Rachel: Well, look who's here.
Ross (nervously): Rachel, you'll never believe who I saw today!
Mona: Yeah, I saw Ross at the coffee house.
Rachel: Really? Funny thing about the coffee house, isn't that where you two started dating?
Mona: You know what, you're right.
Rachel: Mm-hm, you know, I think Ross might just be coming down with a little allergy to that caffeine.
Ross coughs.
Ross: You know what, you're right, I should probably go lie down-
Ross begins to exit. Rachel points at him.
Rachel: You stay right there, Mister.
Mona: Ross and I were talking about Emma, I'm glad to see that all worked out.
Rachel: Yeah. We have a baby.
Mona: Yeah, maybe I should leave.
Rachel: Well, maybe you should.
Mona begins to exit.
Mona: I'm so glad things aren't all awkward. Bye!
Mona exits. The door is left open. Rachel turns to Ross.
Rachel: What was that?!
Ross: Anything but not awkward.
Rachel: I just said how awkward it would be for one of us to invite our ex up to the apartment.
Ross: I know, Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't know how you would react!
Rachel: Well, how would you react if I just started bringing my ex-boyfriends up to the apartment? Hey, Joey!
Joey opens his door and sticks his head out.
Joey: I don't know anything! Stop bothering me! There's nothing I can tell you!
Joey slams his door.
Rachel: What was that about?
Ross: I don't know…
Rachel: Okay, I'm going to go see what's up with Joey, but remember, I am still mad at you!
Rachel exits. Scene follows her to Joey's apartment, where she enters. Joey is sitting in his armchair, facing the door.
Rachel: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: What was that in the hallway?
Joey: What was what?
Rachel: You were acting all weird.
Joey: No, I wasn't.
Rachel: Actually, you were acting like you had a secret.
Joey stands up.
Joey: I don't have a secret!
Rachel: Okay-
Joey: Alright, alright, yes I do! I do have a secret!
Rachel: Okay, what is it?
Joey: Oh, I can't tell you.
Rachel: You can't tell me?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Okay, Joey, I'm not going to make you-
Joey: Phoebe's pregnant!
Rachel gasps.
Rachel: What? Really?
Joey: Yes, but I'm not supposed to tell anybody! You can't tell anybody either!
Rachel: Why not? This is great!
Joey: She doesn't want Mike to know yet, and if a lot of people know, he might find out!
Rachel: And she thought she could trust you with a secret?
Joey: Hey!
A pause.
Joey: Yeah, I don't know why she would either.
Rachel begins to exit.
Joey: Hey, you can't tell anybody!
Rachel: Okay, I won't.
Rachel exits. Scene follows her to her apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Rachel closes the door.
Ross: So, what was wrong with Joey?
Rachel: Phoebe's pregnant! I mean, I can't tell you.
Ross: Wha- Phoebe's pregnant?
Rachel: I didn't say that.
Ross: Yes you did.
Rachel: No I didn't.
Ross: But you just-
Rachel: Excuse me, Ross, but I have more important things to do than stand here discussing what I did or didn't say.
Rachel begins to exit.
Ross: Wait, what about our fight?
Rachel: You're sorry, you'll never do it again, I forgive you, hug, kiss, yadda, yadda, yadda. Okay, bye!
Rachel exits. Ross looks confused. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch.
Monica: Everyone's coming over tonight for dinner, and so I can show off our new beads!
Chandler: Seriously? You're making them drive an hour to see your new beads?
Monica: Seriously, Chandler, they hang out here every night.
Chandler: Well, yeah.
The doorbell rings. Monica answers the door. Enter Mike, Phoebe, Joey, Rachel and Ross.
Monica: Hi, guys!
Murmurs of greeting.
Chandler (from the other room): Who is it?
Monica (sarcastically): It's a barbershop quintet. Think, Chandler, who were we expecting?
Enter Chandler.
Chandler: Well, actually, I had called for a barbershop quintet…
Monica: Come on, dinner's almost ready, but first you have to see the beads!
Monica leads Chandler, Joey, Mike, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross into the hallway in front of the bedroom, where colored beads are hanging from the door frame.
Rachel: Monica, they're gorgeous. Oh, I want some.
Ross: Rachel, those things are really dangerous for young children.
Monica: Not these! Look, I baby-proofed them.
Monica points to a sign next to the door, taped to the wall. The camera zooms in on the sign. It reads, "STAY AWAY BABIES".
Chandler: Sure, Monica, they'll learn to read before they learn not to play with beaded strings.
Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Mike, Phoebe, and Joey enter the room.
Rachel: Oh, they look even more beautiful from this side.
Monica: I know!
A timer's ding is heard from the kitchen.
Monica: That's dinner. Come on.
Monica, Mike, Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey exit. Chandler tries to exit but gets tangled up in the beads. Monica, Mike, Rachel, and Ross enter the kitchen (unseen). Phoebe and Joey stand by the corner. Chandler struggles with the beads, unseen by Phoebe and Joey.
Joey: Have you told Mike yet?
Phoebe: No, I'm going to tell him when we get home.
Joey: Come on, Phoebe, it's killing me!
Chandler looks confused.
Phoebe: Fine, I'll try to tell him after dinner.
Joey: That's better. Man, I can't believe you're going to have a baby.
Chandler gapes.
Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!
Chandler fidgets frantically with the beads.
Phoebe: What's that noise?
Chandler: It's Chandler! Help!
Phoebe and Joey run to the beads.
Joey: You were listening the whole time?
Chandler: Kind of hard not to!
Joey: Why?
Chandler stares at Joey.
Chandler: Because I'm stuck.
Joey: Oh. And, uh- uh- we were just rehearsing a play…called "Phoebe's Pregnant And She Hasn't Told Mike". Which isn't based on anything in real life.
Chandler: Joey, I heard everything.
Joey: Aw, you did?
Chandler: Yeah, congratulations, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, thanks.
A pause. Chandler waves the beads around.
Chandler: Now, help me out!
Phoebe: Oh, right.
Phoebe and Joey begin to untangle Chandler from the beads. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's dining room. Monica is sitting at the head of the table. Chandler is sitting on her left and Phoebe is sitting on her right. Mike is next to Phoebe and Joey is next to Chandler. Rachel is next to Joey and Ross is next to Mike. All are eating.
Monica: So, Phoebe, Mike, what's going on with you guys?
Phoebe (nervously): Um…ah…Mike?
Mike: Oh, nothing much really, you know, still trying to have a baby.
Monica: Mm-hm, and how's that working for you?
Phoebe: Obviously not well, I mean, Monica, it's not like I'm pregnant.
Rachel: Yeah, Monica, she's not pregnant.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, I wasn't accusing her of being pregnant.
Joey: Oh, well, that's good, 'cause she's not.
Mike: Okay, what is going on?
Rachel: Nothing's going on.
Joey: Yeah, especially Phoebe having a baby. That's definitely not going on.
Mike: What?
Phoebe: Eh, what the heck? I'm pregnant, Mike.
Phoebe begins eating.
Mike: What?!
Monica: What?!
Joey: What?!
Rachel: Joey, you knew!
Mike: Wait, Joey knew before I did?
Rachel: Yeah, I knew too.
Ross: So did I.
Chandler: Me too.
Mike turns to Monica.
Monica: Don't look at me, nobody ever tells me anything!
Mike: Phoebe, why didn't you tell me?
Phoebe: I was going to tell you tonight, and I wanted to make it really special and perfect.
Mike: Oh, Phoebe…if I was pregnant-
Mike pause, realizing what he just said.
Mike: Yeah, If I was pregnant, I would want to tell you in a special way, too.
Phoebe: Mike, that's so sweet. Really weird, but sweet.
A pause.
Mike: I can't believe this! We're going to have a baby!
Phoebe: I know!
Mike and Phoebe kiss.
Mike: I love you.
Phoebe: I love you, too.
A pause.
Joey: Okay, I don't want to ruin the moment, but Monica, are there seconds?
Credits appear on the screen.
CREDITS SCENE:
Scene opens in the hallway outside of Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are standing in the hall.
Monica: Isn't it great that Phoebe and Mike are going to have a baby?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica kisses Chandler and enters the bedroom. Chandler tries to enter the bedroom but gets caught up in the beads.
Chandler: Aw, not again!
END OF SHOW