Chapter 13

She should probably go inside, Amber thought as she looked up at the night sky above her. There were barely any stars visible, because the lights of the city were too bright, but the moon hung over her like a nightlight, which she found absurdly reassuring. She was a long way from home, but the moon was the same everywhere.

She should really go inside though. She was sitting on a bench in the hospital's ambulance bay and she probably wasn't even allowed to be out here. Half an hour ago a doctor had passed her, the one with the red hair who Amber knew to be the Chief of the hospital and who always looked kind of pissed. Walking past her he'd thrown an angry glance in her direction, presumably to indicate she wasn't supposed to sit out here, and the only reason why he hadn't chased her away was probably because she had been crying. Amber didn't care either way, it was the first relatively quiet place she had found in this hospital and she desperately needed some alone-time.

She felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for having made a scene in front of Dr. Grey and Jo. Embarrassed for freaking out over an innocuous sentence like "We're all basically like family". It was that sentence which had cut Amber to the core. To her it sounded as if Alex had gotten rid of his old, shoddy family to find a new and better one. She felt stupid for being such a drama queen, for letting it get to her like that, but she couldn't help it.

It started to rain. Again. She'd only been in Seattle two days and to her it seemed as if there was a downpour every other hour.

Amber crossed her arms and tucked her hands under her armpits to warm them. She should have brought her jacket out with her. The canopy above her protected her from the rain, but it couldn't protect her from the cold.

Why couldn't she just be happy for Alex? Happy he had found a place where he felt at home? Happy he had friends he was so close with?

Back home he'd never had friends. Girls yes, but not friends. He'd always been an acquired taste, at least to people who didn't know him. Not to mention Alex had had a way of making sure people didn't get to know him, not the real him anyways. He never trusted people easily, but he obviously trusted the people in this place. Which was a good thing, Amber reminded herself. It was petty and childish to begrudge her brother his new life when his old one had been so hard.

For Amber, her childhood home had always been filled with love, which was why her broken, little family had been enough. But the home she's had wasn't quite the same Alex had had, she knew that. He'd grown up with a mother who had been unable to mother and a violent and drunk father only to be shipped between foster homes.

Picturing it was hard enough, how hard must it have been for Alex to live through? That wasn't even taking into account all the responsibility he'd been shouldering. And in contrast to her, Alex never had two dedicated older siblings, who made up for the lack of parental guidance as best as they could.

Nobody ever looked out for Alex.

Considering the circumstances could she really blame him for leaving? No, she couldn't. If she was entirely honest, she had felt the urge to pack her bag and leave all the craziness behind plenty of times herself in the last five years. Wanting to take a break from all the responsibility and obligations was something she could relate to.

So it wasn't like Amber couldn't see where her brother was coming from.

But what was it then? Why couldn't she find it in her to forgive him?

Suddenly, seemingly without a noise, Alex appeared in front of her. "The Chief sent me to get you. Visitors are not allowed in this area."

"I'll be gone in a minute," Amber replied, tight-lipped.

Alex nodded and went back inside, but he came back out almost immediately, holding out a jacket for her.

There was no simple answer. Alex had had every right to leave and live his own life for a while. But did it excuse the fact he never came back, not even to pay them a visit? Did it excuse cutting his family out of his life completely? Did it excuse how he missed half of Amber's life?

She studied the jacket he'd dropped on her lap. It was blue and had the hospital logo embroidered at the front.

Deep inside she knew Alex's attempts to reconnect with her as well as their mother were genuine, but that didn't change the fact that he had not been there for them in 12 years. He was the person she had always looked up to, and thinking about how easy it had been for him to walk out of their lives - her life, still pained her. So what if she let him back into her life now and he disappeared again? What if he hurt her again?

The jacket was way too big for her, but at least she wouldn't be cold anymore. She grabbed it and put it on without saying a word, which Alex took as his cue to go.

Hating him was the easy thing to do. She could choose to be angry at him forever and spare herself from the very real chance of him letting her down again.

Or... or she could choose to take a risk and start to forgive.

"I do understand it," Alex heard Amber shout behind him.

He turned around, his forehead crinkled into a frown. "What?"

"What you said today," she explained, "About being sick of all the responsibility and just wanting to get away from it. The truth is, I've felt that way a lot myself lately."

"Okay," he said carefully as he sat down beside her, glad she finally seemed willing to talk reasonably.

"You have no idea how many times I thought about packing a suitcase and just disappearing. Mom is... I love her, but sometimes it's so hard... and then Aaron got sick too and things got even harder." She fixed her gaze on a spot in the distance. "I hate myself for thinking like that, but sometimes I just wanna leave all the painful shit behind me, take off and backpack through Europe or something."

He tried to reassure her. "Amber, you don't have to feel bad for-"

"No, let me say this please, before I change my mind," she interrupted him. "My point is that I understand why you had to leave. And it wasn't why I was angry at you. In fact I wasn't angry at you most of the time. I was just sad and I missed you. It was when Aaron came home after he got his hernia fixed and told me that you got married and were about to get a divorce that my sadness turned into anger. Because that's when I realised that you've completely moved on from us. Your life was happening without us and ours without you and you didn't care."

"But that's not true. I did care," Alex protested.

"Then why did you never visit us? Or why did you never invite us to Seattle?" Amber asked.

Alex took a deep breath. "I don't know Amber. The truth is I don't have a good answer for you. Like I said, I needed a break from everything for a while, but I never planned to stay away forever. I really didn't. It's just that life was happening so fast and one year turned into three and suddenly it was seven years and I felt like I was past ever going home. I guess I was afraid of this here," he gestured at them both. "I thought you'd hate me and so would Aaron and Mom wouldn't recognize me anymore. I figured taking care of you guys from a distance would be enough. It didn't occur to me you could miss me that much."

Amber shook her head disbelievingly. "God, you're a real moron."

"I've heard that before," Alex said with a self-deprecating smirk.

For a while they sat in silence. Amber was probably contemplating whether his feeble attempts of explaining his stupidity were valid enough to forgive him.

The rain had stopped and the air was filled with that pleasant post rain smell, when Amber started speaking again. "One thing I don't understand is why you kept Dad's guitar and yet there's not a single picture of Mom or Aaron or me in your house?"

The fact Amber knew about the guitar meant she had been snooping around in his room. Alex was not delighted about it but instead of reprimanding her for it he decided to answer her question. "I kept the guitar because to me it was not so much Dad's as it was ours. On the back there are still the Hello Kitty stickers you put on it, when you were little, and I used to play music on it for Mom when she was going through a bad patch. Do you remember that?

"Billy Joel," Amber mumbled.

"Exactly. As for the pictures, I still have some - framed ones even - somewhere in the attic. I used to have them on a shelf in my old place, but they always made me feel guilty for walking out on you guys, so I never even unpacked them, when Meredith offered to let me move into the house."

Amber acknowledged his explanation with a silent nod.

"But that doesn't mean that I didn't miss you guys or that I stopped loving you," he asserted.

He put his hand on her arm to make her look at him as he went on. "I'm sorry if I ever- no, I'm sorry that I ever made you feel like you're not part of my life or my family anymore, I never meant to hurt you and you gotta know you'll always be my baby sister and I will always love you."

"See, that's the problem, though. Who you missed and who you... love is the little girl with the braids, but that's not me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. So how can you say you love me, when you don't even know me? The truth is, I don't know you and you don't know me."

She had a point, but Alex wasn't willing to give up so easily. "Then let's change that, okay? Let's get to know each other again. How about we play a game? I tell you something and you tell me something. What do you want to know? Really, just ask and I'll tell you everything. Anything."

Amber pondered his suggestion for a moment, while she stared at the shimmering reflection of one of the streetlights lining the ambulance bay driveway on the wet concrete. "Any question?"

"Any question," he confirmed. "But it goes both ways, alright? You'll have to be honest with me too, when it's my turn."

Amber glanced at him hesitatingly, but eventually she posed her first question. "How... how bad was it really when you got shot?"

Alex sighed. First try and she was already picking the sensitive topics. "It was pretty bad to be honest. I came close to... you know. Awfully close."

"God Alex, why didn't you call us?" She looked at him with sad eyes, which contradicted the reproachful tone of her voice.

His hands on his lap clenched up into fists as his thoughts went back to that day. The excruciating pain as the bullet hit him - like an explosion in his chest. How the pain faded as he got closer to the other side and how it got so much worse as Sloan and Lexie tried to save his life without the benefit of anaesthesia.

"I don't know, Amber. I wanted to, I did. While I was lying in that elevator in an ever growing puddle of my own blood, slowly losing consciousness, I thought about all the things I screwed up in my life, like letting my wife go, abandoning my family. And I thought if I would only get another chance I would fix it all."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because I'm a coward? Because it was easier to fall back into old habits? Because I thought why worry you guys when everything was going to be fine?"

Suddenly Amber put her hand over the knot his right hand had turned into. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have asked. I didn't want to open up old wounds. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

Alex smiled at her, both surprised and touched by the gesture, then he opened his fist and she let her small hand slip into his.

"My turn?" he asked and Amber nodded. "Why didn't you go to college?"

Now it was Amber's turn to sigh. "I did go to college, for a while. It just didn't work out, you know... Mom... and Aaron. I... I couldn't make it work. Unlike you, unlike Aaron, I didn't have any more backup left." She smiled sadly, "I ran out of Karev siblings to hand the torch over to."

Alex didn't ask why she hadn't asked him for help, when things had started to overwhelm her. He knew the answer. She had been too proud. Besides, he could hardly expect her to call the guy who had left her to fend for herself after some one - her own brother - had tried to kill her. He looked at her ruefully. "I'm sorry."

Between his cowardice and her pride they'd missed countless opportunities to reconnect. This was their first real conversation in years and they had a lot of catching up to do. As they were cautiously rebuilding a bridge between both their lives, they even allowed themselves to not think about their mother for some time.

Alex asked Amber about Aaron and she told him he was doing relatively fine. He handled his illness responsibly and managed to keep it in check thanks to meds and regular visits at the psychiatrist's office. He had changed though. He had become quieter, more introverted. Alex's heart grew heavy when he heard that. Aaron had always been such an out-going guy, tough but optimistic. He hated the thought his mental illness had dimmed his spirit.

"We live in the same house," Amber elaborated, "but he is avoiding me. I know it's because of what happened five years ago." Almost involuntarily Amber's hand rose to the scar on her forehead. "I've never blamed him for attacking me, but I think he just can't forgive himself. So we live our lives side by side, but we barely talk and I don't know how I can make him realise he needs to forgive himself. He thinks it's best for me, if he just keeps his distance. But what I need is my brother. We were always so close." Disheartened she looked up at Alex. "We were like allies, the ones who got left behind. And I miss how it was before everything went to crap."

Comfortingly Alex patted her arm. "You'll figure out a way to get through to him eventually."

To take her mind off Aaron, Alex asked her about her job at the bar. As it turned out Amber was much more than a regular bartender. She was handling deliveries of beverages and supplies alike and Tony Solano had taught her how to do the books. More than anything else she was the old man's right hand. Since he didn't have any family left he had even offered to sign the bar over to her when he was ready to retire.

Alex swallowed hard, when she told him that. She deserved so much better than some old bar, even if it was going to be hers. "Are you... are you taking his offer?" he asked anxiously.

"I don't know," Amber conceded. "I like it there, I know the people and the people know me. And Uncle Tony has been a real support to us. I don't wanna let him down."

"Look, I think it's great you're so loyal to him, but I want you to remember it's alright to put yourself first sometimes too, okay? The man isn't even your real uncle."

Amber rolled her eyes at him. "Are you not Uncle Alex to your friends' kids? To Sofia for example? And you're not related to her either."

"You've got a point," Alex admitted "Look, I just don't want you to do it because you feel obligated to, or because you don't think you have any other options?"

"I appreciate your concern. It's a big decision, I know that. I definitely never pictured myself as a bar owner," she chuckled. Then her tone got serious, wistful almost. "I was going to go into Information Technology. It was my major at college before I dropped out."

"IT? Don't tell me you're a hacker."

Amber grinned, "I wouldn't say hacker, but I'm good at finding information when a simple Google search won't do."

"Jeez, You better be careful with that stuff, otherwise the FBI or Homeland Security might turn up at your door one day," Alex said, shaking his head in amusement. "No, but in all seriousness Amber, if this is what you're good at, if this is what you're passionate about, you should pursue it. You should go back to college if that's what you want. We'll find a way to make it work."

Amber nodded vaguely. "Yeah maybe... we'll see. It's definitely my passion, but first we're gonna get rid of Mom's cancer."

"Right," Alex slapped his thighs and got up. "Shall we go inside to check on her?"

Amber hesitated. When Alex caught her gaze, he noticed a painful vulnerability in her features. "Alex? I was wondering... are you ever afraid you'll get sick? Like Mom? Not the cancer, but-"

"You mean the schizophrenia?" He sat down again. "No, I'm not too afraid. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind, in my 20s more than now, because that was the age when Mom got sick. But probability to get schizophrenia decreases with age, so I'm not thinking about it too much anymore. And you shouldn't do that either, Amber. You have no control about this whatsoever, so don't torture yourself by overthinking it."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just… people always say I look just like her. I know it's true, I see it every morning when I look in the mirror," she said, her eyes brimming with tears. "And then I wonder, is this the day I finally snap? I mean, it happened to Mom, it happened to Aaron, what if I'm next?"

Alex felt a familiar stab in his chest - guilt for having left his sister alone to deal with their mess of a family. She shared a house with two family members suffering from a mental illness, of course that would get to her, of course she would be exceedingly frightened to end up like them.

He wrapped his arm around his sister's shoulders and pulled her close. "Hey, don't even think that, okay? You're not gonna snap, it's not gonna happen, I promise."

"Didn't they teach you not to make promises you can't keep, Dr. Karev?", Amber sniffled.

"Yeah, but you're not one of my patients, you're my sister," he pointed out as he planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Besides, you're not all Mom. You totally have my nose."

His lame attempt to cheer her up produced a weak laugh. Amber sat up, wiped her eyes and freed herself from his embrace so she could look into his eyes. "Alex? If I go crazy after all, will you play something on the guitar for me to bring me back to reality?"

It was a silly request, they both knew it. Music was not some magic cure for schizophrenia. It just so happened to work as a stress relief for their mother, to keep her occupied and shut the voices out for a while. What Amber was asking, what Alex knew she was asking was Will you be there for me, when I need you?

"I got this covered. I think I still know some Billy Joel songs."

"Oh God, no! Please, no Billy Joel. That is so not my kind of music," Amber groaned, "No, I like Oasis. Don't Look Back In Anger."

Alex perked an eyebrow at her. "That's kind of ironic, don't you think? Can I take the title literally?"

Amber raised her arms in a defensive manner. "What can I say, it's one of the best songs in the history of music. And yeah, I guess you can take the title literally," she snickered, then her expression got serious again. "Just give me some time. Twelve years is a long time but I'm trying, okay?"

His lips curled into a smile. "Okay."

Author's Notes: There's no Jo in this chapter, but I can assure you it's the last chapter where she doesn't play a major role. If you're wondering why Alex and Amber didn't talk about her, I promise it's coming. I just thought the chapter was long enough already.