Chapter 13. On love: Silence
After rinsing the shampoo from his hair and the soap from his body, basically finished showering, Otabek stood there for a while, eyes closed, letting the hot water wash away his hesitation. The sound of the water rushed in his ears and on his skull, just like the thoughts rushing inside. He didn't want to face Yuri after what had happened. He didn't want to explain why he had been so immature, why he had run away even if it was only to the bathroom, postponing the following encounter, postponing the questions. He wondered himself why he had fled from the beautiful green eyes he had loved so much for what felt like all his life, when they had widened in surprise. He probably just didn't want to let Yuri see how weak he was and how much he was struggling to keep his feelings insides, much less let him witness that he obviously wasn't even capable of that anymore. He couldn't answer the questions that would without a doubt be uttered. In all honesty, he could, but he didn't want to.
After some time he felt guilty. Yuri had wanted to take a shower to make the pain if not go away than at least become easier to endure. It was selfish to occupy the bathroom for so long. Yuri's pain was of a whole different quality than his own, this was not the time to whine.
He sighed and stopped the water. The towel draped over the edge of the shower cabinet had become wet at one tip and he wrung it out with one hand, before not very thoroughly drying first his hair and his skin afterwards.
When he stepped out of the steamy shower, rubbing the towel over his lower arms, he froze.
"I'm sorry."
His heart skipped a beat. Two maybe.
Yuri sat on the toilet lid, his shoulders hunched, his hands convulsed in his lap. The blonde hair was once more messy and the sunlight falling through the small window made it sparkle like gold thread. Pale and with apologetic eyes Yuri looked at him. "I'm sorry, Otabek. I hurt you, again, although I promised you to never do that again. Please… forgive me."
Otabek just stood there, unable to move. The black shirt was too big on Yuri, making him look even more vulnerable than usual. The silence was heavy. He saw the muscles of Yuri's jaw twitching as if he grit his teeth but after a moment it was gone again. Wasn't Yuri going to ask? What's wrong with you? Why did you cry? Why did you run away? What the hell is wrong with you?
He tensed up, when Yuri's lips parted again and his voice was to be heard but it still was not what Otabek expected.
"Can you… accept my apology?"
The questions just didn't come.
"Yes", he said after one more moment. He didn't recognize his voice. It sounded so steady.
Yuri's lips formed into a smile instantly. "Thanks."
With a nod, Otabek wrapped the towel around his waist. "The shower is yours", he said and Yuri thanked him with a slight bow of his head, the smile still there, even when Otabek left the bathroom, his clothes in his hands.
Maybe he had misjudged Yuri, had underestimated his empathy. He had once heard Victor say that skaters' hearts were as fragile as glass, and he might have been right there. But that meant not only that they could easily be broken. It also meant that they were able to make sense of other hearts much more easily than other people. Yuri had without a doubt known why Otabek had hidden under the water. The blonde boy had never been shy or avoiding bringing things out in the open. His confession from earlier was proof of that. And if it had been someone else, he probably would have asked for an explanation. But somehow he had known that Otabek couldn't talk. And he had adapted. His apology had been sudden. But he had stopped at the right point. He'd most likely never mention that he had seen Otabek's tears ever again. And Otabek was glad.
Absentmindedly smiling he dressed and made his way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Just then he caught a glance of the lit up screen of Yuri's smartphone on the mattress. Even from the distance Otabek could recognize the green receiver symbol and the name.
Yuliya calling
With a frown Otabek stepped closer. Of course he wouldn't touch Yuri's phone. But whoever that Yuliya person was, she was really persistent. After some seconds the call ended and the phone automatically listed the calls. It were thirtyseven. 37 missed calls from Yuliya. It was creeping Otabek out. Yuri hadn't answered any of them, coming in from what the time stamp said was a frequency of 15 to 30 minutes all the way back to half past nine when Otabek had noticed for the first time, and then from 10 p.m. last night. The list didn't show more entries than the eight visible, and Otabek wouldn't dare to check, but it gave him a really bad feeling. Who was that person? Was she molesting Yuri? Maybe some kind of stalker? But in that case Yuri would have blocked out the number for sure, wouldn't he? He certainly knew her, why else had he saved her number with her name. If she was someone dangerous it would have suited him to save the number under that-nag-again or don't-pick-up.
The screen went black and it woke the Kazakh from his rigidity. Maybe it was the best idea to wait until he witnessed another call and ask Yuri about it then. There was no point in speculating.
With a sigh he finally went to the kitchen.
The tea was ready when Yuri entered the kitchen, bare feet with tight black-and-gray leopard jerseys and black stand-up collar shirt. He had pinned up his moist hair and looked more like from a fashion magazine than ever before.
"Sorry for keeping you waiting", he said with a light smile and when Otabek gestured towards the chair he obediently sat down.
Otabek poured them tea and Yuri wrapped his fingers around the mug. The ring made a clicking sound on the porcelain.
"Do you feel better?", Otabek inquired and added some milk to his tea. He had noticed that Yuri never had his tea with milk. Maybe it wasn't common in Russia.
"A lot better", the blonde skater replied and reached out for the sliced pineapple Otabek had prepared. "My head still hurts though." He shrugged and picked up a slice with pointy fingers. "By the way, I hadn't realized earlier, but you said you already went shopping. I didn't know the shops are open on sundays. They aren't in Russia."
Otabek sipped on his tea. "Some are open", he then answered and watched Yuri eating the fruit, then licking the juice off his fingers. How could one single boy be so adorable and beautiful and alluring? "In rural areas they are most likely closed but this was the capital after all, so they meet the customers' needs."
Yuri nodded. "Thank God, I'm very excited about the both of us cooking." He smiled brightly. "I'm not very skilled when it comes to housework, but I really enjoyed it whenever I had the opportunity to help my grampa cooking." At the mention of his grandfather, the smile became a little sad.
"You miss him a lot, don't you?", Otabek asked, not sure if it was a good idea to bring up the topic. He didn't want to remind Yuri of it. But then again it was probably always on his mind.
As expected Yuri nodded. "It's still so weird to think that he's gone and will never be back again. It feels like I lost everything but at the same time my life goes on without changing too much. It doesn't fit together. It's like there are two realities coexisting, one in which I want to only cry and never stop and one in which I get up in the morning and live a normal life and go to bed in the evening." He picked up another piece of pineapple and broke it into two halves. "It doesn't feel like it's been almost a month either. I still hear his voice calling my name when he picks me up from the rink. I still see him on the sofa. Not to mention the sofa is gone now as well." He chuckled. "I can handle that though. It was so worn-out." He ate the pineapple and looked at Otabek again who had kept silent. "I do. I miss him", he then murmured. "More than words can say. But he wouldn't want me to be all devastated I guess. So I try to enjoy the moments when I'm happy and when I'm sad I allow myself to be sad, but I won't let the grief rule my life. You help me a lot actually. I hope you don't feel too depressed because of me. I just can't control how I feel sometimes. It's getting better though. Most people can't tell obviously, but despite your stern expression and all the meaningful silence you are quite enjoyable company to be honest." He laughed and Otabek grinned as well.
"I do my best", he said and spread ewe's cheese on his bread. "I'm never quite sure how to handle people, especially if they are important to me. I always think I might do something wrong or stupid or inappropriate and therefore I often don't do anything at all, but then I find that's maybe even worse. But I try do be the best I can for you." He took a bite and kept his gaze lowered. It was strange to talk about his innermost thoughts. But he owed Yuri that much honesty. Friends tell each other.
"You are actually pretty awesome already", Yuri said and when Otabek looked up, Yuri's smile was so lovely and bright that it made him blush.
"I really enjoy tidying the kitchen after cooking", he mumbled.
Yuri laughed. "I correct myself, you are perfect!"
Otabek hid his darkening blush behind his mug.
"Before I forget,", Yuri interrupted the accelerated beating of the Kazakh heart, "what's The Forced Oscillations? It was on the T-Shirt I woke up with."
"A band", Otabek answered smiling. "Still not your type of music though."
"What do you mean 'still'?" Yuri picked up a slice of bread and ripped it into pieces before stuffing the fluffy flocks in his mouth.
"You asked me the exact same thing last night when I gave you the shirt."
Yuri chuckled. "You can't be sure I don't like it", he supposed. "I've liked other stuff you listen to, right?"
"Right." Yuri didn't remember, but Otabek did and it made him grin.
"Will you show me later?"
Otabek nodded and decided on having some of his favorites playing while preparing the piroshkis. As if he'd ever deny any of Yuri's wishes.
They spent some time on the couch, Otabek reading and Yuri who was once more nestling up to him watching videos on his smartphone, holding out the device to show his friend videos of cats once in a while. It was peaceful and Otabek enjoyed the silence, the golden light of the afternoon fading into a pleasant evening's darkness, the barely visible but constant smile on the Russian's lips.
When Yuri's stomach growled Otabek closed his book. "Let' get to work, Maestro", he suggested with a smile and Yuri got up excitedly.
It turned out that although preferring post-hardcore most of the time, Yuri was actually fine with a little electro and darkwave here and there. While they were cooking Otabek had his favorite non-classical mix-tape playing and Yuri, whose headache finally had disappeared, was dancing around the flour-powdered table. The kitchen was a mess within minutes but it was okay for Otabek as long as Yuri was having fun. When he recognized a song by The Cure he even tried to sing along but only managed to babble something that sounded a little like Korean with only the ending of the lines being recognizable as the English lyrics.
When the piroshkis were in the oven at last Yuri sat down in front of it to watch the dough become golden through the shaded glass, bobbing his head with the rhythm of Sisters Of Mercy. Otabek started cleaning the kitchen in the meantime.
"Those look exactly like grampa's", he stated after some time, "and they smell like it too."
"Because of the cloves", Otabek assumed. "The aroma is really outstanding. I've never used them for piroshki, but maybe that's what makes the recipe different from others."
"Awesome", the boy on the kitchen floor commented dreamily. There was a piece of onion skin tangled in his hair; when Otabek plucked it from the golden strands Yuri looked up to him and he was so beautiful that it made Otabek's heart hurt. He held out the brownish onion skin like it was an excuse.
"Thanks." Yuri's smile was beyond gorgeous.
After some more cleaning and quiet admiration the piroshkis were done and they sat down on the sofa again, the TV showing a programme about cougars.
"The shape is a disaster", Yuri said after a few bites. "But they taste really like I wanted them to."
Otabek could only agree. For the first attempt he found the shape was okay as well, but there sure was some room for improvement. "It was fun, too", he replied.
Yuri flashed him a smile. "Yeah, right?" He looked at Otabek for a long, awkward moment, with glittering eyes and an angelic smile. "Thank you."
Otabek didn't know what to say and before he could come up with something Yuri already went on, his smile becoming a wide grin:
"Especially for cleaning behind me."
t.b.c.
BGM: The Forced Oscillations – Garlics (what title is that for an album XD)