Author's Note:

Thanks to everyone who is still reading! It may not have been all that quick of an update but I think this is one of the longest chapter I've ever managed to write. I think I have the whole story outlined. I'm fairly certain that there will be two more chapters in the story. It's really a lot of fun to write this. I would certainly love to write another though with my history of infrequent updates I'm thinking of just sticking to one-shots with each one focusing on a different character. Would anyone be interested in reading something like that? Anyway I hope everyone enjoys the new chapters. Please review!

Chapter #13:

Frodo continued on with his story while the elves tried to guess who Frodo was talking about.

The two elves were hugging each other and crying from the fear and the pain. Their high pitched screeches were ear splitting, hurting even the ringwraiths and the Mary Sues. Pathetic tears ran down their faces creating a puddle at their feet. It just went to show how weak elves were. They may be immortal, but they really were not good at all at doing anything other than writing poetry, singing, and making boring speeches.

Frodo continued on this theme of the horrible defects of elves for fifteen minutes. This had an unsettling effect on the elves in the room.

Elrond had begun shouting at Frodo in elvish. Those in the room who could understand it winced at the words, though even those who did not understand what he was saying got the general idea of the speech. Elrond waved his arms around as he yelled causing the sleeves of his robes to flap like wings.

Arwen was attempting to tackle Frodo. This very out of character behavior had left those near her to gape in shock. The only reason that Arwen was not having success in her attempts to do physical harm to Frodo was the fact that Aragorn was holding her back and attempting to reason with her. It was not working.

"I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here. I'm not here." Legolas repeated over and over again with his hands over his eyes. Legolas had decided to hide, thinking wildly that the old saying, "Out of sight, out of mind" might just apply to this situation. He was underneath the kitchen table, trying to conceal himself behind the legs of a chair. It was not a great attempt at hiding, and was mocked by Merry and Pippin.

On the other side of the room Glorfindel was being beaten with a frying pan, wielded by Rosie. In Glorfindel's mad attempt to get away he had begun trying to smash through the wall using Gimli's helmet. Glorfindel dropped the helmet as he shielded his head from the blows and Gimli picked it up and joined Rosie in hitting Glorfindel. After a couple of minutes Sam managed to drag Rosie away while Gandalf forced Gimli to back off. Glorfindel remained sprawled on the ground with a dopey expression on his face.

"I think you broke him," Sam said to his wife.

"He was trying to destroy my house," Rosie defended herself.

"And he stole my helmet," Gimli added, "a despicable crime."

Finally a relative calm descended over the room. Elrond ran out of breath and threw himself onto a sofa breathing heavily. Arwen sat down next to him, still angry, but once again in control of herself. Legolas was dragged out of his hiding place by Merry and Pippin. Finally Glorfindel was helped over into a chair.

"Happy Birthday," he muttered vaguely to Gandalf.

The hero Frodo did not allow the high pitched shrieking or the disgusting puddle of tears stop him from going to the rescue of the two elves. To make the battle last longer, and be more evenly matched, Frodo defeated the army of Mary Sues and the Ringwraiths using a spork-

"Using a what?" Aragorn asked looking confused.

"It is a sort of half spoon half fork hybrid," Bilbo explained. "I have always been fascinated by them. I even thought about including a chapter about them in my book, but in the end left it out because it caused the plot to drag."

"They are useful," Pippin added, "because it saves time when you are eating. Rather than having to stop and switch utensils when you go from eating a piece of chicken to eating some delicious mushroom soup. And, as I'm sure you all know, those extra few seconds are very important. You can squeeze a lot of food into a few seconds."

"Hobbits," Gandalf muttered under his breath.

- a spork which he had been given in Bree for his incredibleness. However, even with the spork as his only weapon Frodo was still able to win the battle in half a minute.

"Oh please," Sam snorted, "if Frodo was capable of moving that fast our journey to destroy the ring would have been over in time for dinner."

With the armies defeated Frodo proceeded to heal the two elves using his Magic-Healing-Touch.

"Frodo if you really have a Magic-Healing-Touch then how about healing Glorfindel here," Gandalf said pointing at the still woozy elf.

"I'm a birdie," Glorfindel announced.

"All right," Elrond snapped standing up, "which one of you morons managed to cause Glorfindel- the guy that once slayed a Balrog- to suffer a severe head trauma?"

Rosie pointed at Gimli and Gimli pointed at Rosie. Elrond glared at them, making a growling noise, before turning and walking over to Glorfindel.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" He asked holding out three fingers.

"Worms!" Glorfindel cried trying to grab Elrond's fingers.

"I hate so much more about my life than I ever thought possible," Elrond sighed.

Once the elves were healed they immediately began to praise Frodo.

"Clearly they are still delirious," Merry laughed.

As it turns out they had been out in the woods trying to find Frodo, whose help they desperately needed.

"Oh glorious Frodo," the first elf said, "my name is Arwen."

"Damn it!" Arwen shouted pounding her fist down in anger. She missed the arm of the sofa and hit Aragorn's hand. Aragorn snatched his hand up with a cry of pain.

"And I am Glorfindel," the second elf said with a low bow.

"What's a Glorfindel?" Glorfindel asked.

Arwen muttered something under her breath. Pippin wondered vaguely what "Lucky custard" had to do with anything.

Since the two elves were still extremely weak Frodo offered to carry them both back to Rivendell. Aragorn, Sam, Merry, and Pippin followed feeling incredibly jealous of the two elves. They all secretly wished that they had been injured so Frodo would carry them too.

"Yeah right," Merry snorted.

Aragorn opened his mouth.

"You wouldn't be about to make fun of me would you?" Arwen asked before he could say anything.

"… No…" Aragorn said after a long pause.

"Good," Arwen said.

When Frodo arrived in Rivendell he found that the entire place was prepared to welcome him. There were banners and flowers and food and singing and countless other things designed to honor Frodo.

X

Just then Frodo caught sight of an ugly, old, decrepit looking elf. He tottered over to Frodo, trembling with excitement.

"That's my father Elrond," Arwen told Frodo, "he has been waiting his whole life just for a chance to gaze upon you oh most wonderful Frodo."

The great elf Lord's face had become a deep shade of red. He took a deep breath and everyone in the room covered their ears. However even though Elrond's mouth began moving, no words came out. His intense anger had caused him to lose his voice. The group let out a sigh of relief that came out as a single breath.

"I have prepared a poem to welcome you with," Elrond announced.

No one in the group was able to hear whatever horrible poetry Frodo had written for his story since it was at that moment that Elrond regained his voice. His yelling drowned Frodo's voice out. When he finally stopped there was an odd ringing in the ears of everyone in the house.

"Remind me never to make Elrond angry," Pippin said to Merry.

"What? Merry yelled over the ringing.

"Never mind," Pippin said with a shrug, "I'm sure I'll remember."

"Come with me magnificent Frodo," Elrond said motioning Frodo out into a courtyard, "I would like to introduce you to some of the other visitors who are also here. If they see that you are friends with me then I just know they will think I'm cool."

"Oh Elrond," Gimli chuckled, "are you worried about not fitting in? Afraid of being teased by the other kids in school?"

"Go dig a cave," Elrond snapped.

Elrond led the group into the courtyard tottering and stumbling around as he went. There was a figure standing near the entrance of the courtyard. As they neared the figure Aragorn drew his sword suddenly.

"An orc in Rivendell!" He shouted pointing wildly.

"No, no," Elrond chuckled, "that is just an elf named Legolas."

"He's hideous!" Sam gasped.

"What is wrong with his face?" Merry asked.

"I think it fell off," Pippin mused.

Legolas ran away balling his eyes out, which really did nothing to help his disgusting appearance.

"What the-! How could-? But I-! Who would-?" Legolas stammered. His normally expressionless face was becoming splotchy and red.

"He's going to blow!" Bilbo shouted as Legolas continued to splutter incomprehensibly. Many of the listeners had already ducked behind furniture long before Bilbo's warning.

"I'm telling my father about this!" Legolas cried in a shrill voice once he could speak again.

The house shook with laughter at this statement. Legolas resumed his inarticulate stuttering adding wild gestures which made him appear even more comical. There was no room on the floor to stand because so many of the listeners were rolling around on it.

"Thranduil is going to get a big kick out of this," Elrond predicted to Gandalf.

"I can not wait to tell him," Gandalf nodded.

Elrond continued to lead them through the courtyard, with Legolas following them. Sam suddenly fell in a heap to the ground.

"I think I tripped over something," he said as Frodo helped him to his feet, "it must have been something really tiny."

"Oh that is just Gimli," Elrond said pointing down at the ground, "he's a dwarf."

"You smug arrogant lunatic!" Gimli roared. "Hobbits do not tower over dwarves! You have no right to call me tiny!"

"But I can call you tiny all I want," Legolas grinned.

"I did not say that you pointy-eared idiot!" Gimli shouted.

"The sky is blue," the ugly elf Legolas announced out of the blue.

"Shut up Legolas," Elrond snapped, "nobody cares."

"It is easy to tell how insane this story is," Legolas began, "based on the lack of respect that-"

"Shut up Legolas," the real Elrond snapped, "nobody cares."

"Uh-oh," Rosie said, "if Frodo's story is actually realistic in some way then that can not be a good sign."

"It probably just means that the sky is about to fall," Sam shrugged.

"We have faced worse," Gimli added. "Remember Aragorn's Christmas story?"

"Thanks for reminding me," Merry sighed, "I was having such success suppressing the memory."

"You were having success suppressing something?" Elrond asked. "How?"

"It involves drinking and denial."

Just at that moment a ghostly figure burst through the door.

"Everything's going to be all right," he announced to the group, "I'm here now."

"Oh look," Aragorn sneered, "it's Boromir the coward of Gondor."

"For your information it's Boromir the coward of wherever the hell I want to be thank you very much. Also if I am a coward then you are super smelly."

Aragorn lunged at Boromir, trying to strangle him but not succeeding because his hands went right through the ghost's incorporeal neck. Grumbling the King of Gondor sat back down. Boromir stuck out his tongue.

"Welcome back Boromir," Rosie said in a falsely polite voice through what was surely gritted teeth, "always a pleasure to have Sam's friends here."

"Do not fear gentle lady," Boromir said with a bow, "I am here to rescue you all."

The laughter that sounded from everyone in the room including Frodo ruined this grand statement. Several people in the room were tearing up with laughter, while Gimli had fallen off of his chair. Boromir decided to pretend that he had not heard the laughter and continue.

"In order to do so I have brought someone to help me," he said. Looking back and seeing the no one had followed him into the room Boromir stuck his hand outside of the door and waved at someone on the other side.

Through the door stepped another ghost.

"Hey look," Pippin said waving to the newcomer, "it's Gandalf's twin brother who died!"

"You fool!" The new figure spoke in a deeply insulted tone.

"That is not my twin brother," Gandalf roared at Pippin, "I do not have a twin brother. That is Saruman!"

"The dead and evil white wizard," Merry explained to Pippin.

"Gandalf's cousin," Pippin nodded.

"I knew this was a mistake," Saruman muttered.