Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera.
I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.
Yeah, random. I KNOW. But what did you expect after weed popped it's head in this story in four different chapters? And I'm not saying the Hardy family has no boundaries, or that Jeff's this odd, or anything about Kevin Nash. Don't know them. Wish I did; but don't.
Sometime at the End of July: To Smuckers or Not to Smuckers
Dave was almost one million percent positive that he would never make a bitch out of Matt. What was he supposed to think? For the while in between Night of Champions and Matt's doctor's appointment, Matt made it abundantly clear that there was only one dom in their relationship, and it wasn't the one doing the fucking.
Maybe I should just accept my shortcomings and just be happy that I'm with Matt at all, Dave thought. After all, he did love him, and his dominating presence exhilarated Dave. But why should Matt get to be in control all the time without being the pitcher.
Dave was craving at least one victory over Matt in the bedroom. Just one. Was it so much to ask? He didn't think so.
The day of Matt's physical, Dave pondered the issue while they drove. He wondered if giving Matt a blow job in the middle of the intersection would work, but decided against it. He couldn't do something so intimate outside. He could hardly kiss Matt when they're outside, much less suck his dick.
But what if he got him tied up... oh right, he tried that, and Matt ended up being the dominant one there too. And he still had no idea how Matt managed that one. Well, dry humping was involved, but he still didn't completely understand how Matt went from being his tied up, helpless little victim to being completely in control.
Thinking too much about it would hurt Dave's brain, so he gave up.
When Matt went into the doctor's office, his phone rang from inside his jacket. Matt looked back at Dave and said, "Um... just tell whoever that is I'll call them back later, okay?"
Matt went inside, and Dave picked up his phone. "Hello?"
"You're not my brother," he heard the caller, Jeff, accuse, "What did you do with Mattie?"
"Jeff, it's me. Dave," he said.
"Oh, HEY CHEENEY!" Dave rolled his eyes, pretty sure that it was done purposely to annoy him. "So, how's life as Matt's bitch?" Jeff was being sarcastic, joking about Matt's comment from when they last saw each other, but Dave took it seriously. When he didn't answer, Jeff said, "Oh God no. I know your big as shit ass is not being fucked... is it?"
"Jeff, I'm not talking about my sex life with you..."
"IS THAT A YES? OH GOD, DAVE, NO! You're like, fucking ginormous! You're supposed to be pounding Matt through the mattress!"
"Good God Jeff, will you keep it quiet?" Dave whispered urgently, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Dave? You're bigger than God, for chrissake! Why aren't you pounding Matt through the mattress?"
"Will you stop saying that?" Dave snapped, "For your information, I am on top, okay? Now shut up and just tell me why you called!"
There was a silence, and then Jeff said, "You do know that being on top and being on top are two different things, right? Which one are you?"
"Jeff, I'm so not talking about this with you..."
"So you are my brother's bitch boy, is that it?" Jeff asked.
"I'm hanging up..."
"You are!" Jeff shouted, "Okay, look, you need help. I will help you, because oh God Dave, you cannot, and I mean, you cannot let Matt own you like this! You are the Animal, not the damn bitch boy!"
"Okay, Jeff," Dave said, rubbing his head, "I want you full aware of this. We are talking about me ravaging your brother."
"I'm not a retard, Dave, I know what we were talking about," Jeff said, "And it was more like you not ravaging my brother."
"And you're fine telling me to pretty much brutally have sex with Matt?"
"It's your destiny to brutally fuck your significant other, Dave."
Dave paused, unable to believe the audacity, and then said, "YOU, Jeffrey Nero Hardy, are telling me to dominate Matthew Moore Hardy, YOUR brother, and you have NO problem with that?"
"Oh, don't be such a prude," Jeff answered, "I don't actually want to see it happen, I just think you should be doing it, you being big as shit and all."
Damn the Hardys. Have they no boundaries? Dave shook his head in disgust and said, "Look, let's just end the conversation..."
"Not until we've got you a sure fire plan to make my brother submit to you," Jeff said. "Hmm... oh! Let's ask an expert!"
"Jeff, don't you dare add another person to this insanity..." Too late. The phone began to ring and Dave was kind of curious on what expert Jeff was bringing in. This was wrong on every level, but Dave was almost used to his jump-down-the-rabbit-hole-and-see-where-it-goes life.
"Hello?"
"Hi Kevin!" Dave's face went white. Jeff did not call Kevin Nash. Oh God, why hadn't he hanged up the phone already?
"Do I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly! It's me, Jeff Hardy! And Dave is also on the line."
"Dave?"
"Batista," Jeff confirmed.
"Hey?" Dave asked, more nervous than ever. Jeff called Kevin Nash, of all people. Someone who used to have sex with his boyfriend. Oh, this was not good.
"How did you get my number?" Kevin asked, sounding a little irritated.
"I stole it from Jay," Jeff answered.
"Oh... wait, how did Reso get my number?"
"Stole it from AJ, probably," Jeff replied, "So, how you been, Big Sexy?"
"Sleeping. You two better have a good reason..."
"We don't, so..."
"Dave, stop being shy!" Jeff scolded, "Kevin, Dave's dating Matt, and he needs pointers on how to make my bro submit."
Complete, almost horrible silence followed. Dave wondered if Kevin hung up, like he should have... but they got an answer. "Jeff, I haven't done that with Matt since... Um... when was that time he came to visit you and we all went out for wings with Scott, Jarrett, and AJ?"
"It was in late 2004, I think... wait, you fucked him after we got the wings?"
"Yep, but that's not the point..."
"I thought you two broke up when you left the WWF!" Dave said, wondering how long the relationship actually went.
"Yeah, but what's a break up to stop two friends from having some fun?" Kevin asked, "So, um, yeah, what did you want again?"
"You're going senile, old fart," Jeff snorted.
"Just tell me!"
"Dave wants pointers on how to make Matt submit," Jeff answered.
"I never said that!" Dave snapped. "Look, this call is dumb, immature, and really, really wrong. I'm sorry he bothered you, but we won't be needing that answer..."
"Smuckers. Caramel."
Dave stopped. "What?"
"You totally have to go with Smuckers caramel. Spread some on his body and he's yours to command." Kevin yawned. "He's a total sucker for Smuckers."
"Smuckers," Dave said, intrigued despite himself.
"That's right, but remember, caramel's best. He'll melt instantly." Kevin chuckled. "How is the firecracker, anyway?"
"He's doing fine, he's getting a physical now... Smuckers?"
"Yes, Smuckers. Well, I got to go. Jeff, never call me again at this hour."
"It's four in the afternoon!"
"THAT'S TOO EARLY!" Kevin hung up, and Jeff said, "Poor senior citizen. Doesn't have it like he us..."
"Got to go," Dave said, seeing the door open. He hung up the phone and pushed it into his jacket as Matt came out.
"Hey, guess what?" Matt said, smiling, "I've been cleared! All I need to do is call Vince, and we can schedule my return!"
"Cool," Dave said, forcing a smile, "I'm happy for you." What if he knows what I know, and that I let Jeff and Kevin pull me into that crazy conversation? Oh God, what if he knows what I'm thinking... wait, I'm being paranoid. He's not that slick. Or is he? Oh God, I'm going to kill myself at this rate.
"Knowing Vince, I'm probably going to have to wait a week or two... are you okay, Dave?" Matt asked.
HE KNOWS! "Yeah, why do you ask?" Dave asked.
Matt stared at him, and then he wrapped his arms around Dave. "Look, it won't be so bad. You'll be cleared soon enough, so we won't be away from each other for so long. Besides, we'd still have, like, two weeks or so."
Oh, he thinks... wait, yeah, Matt being cleared means Matt will soon leave me. I forgot about that. Dave smiled and lifted Matt's chin, making him look at him. "I really am happy that you've been cleared," Dave whispered, "I... I know that you love wrestling, so how could I be resentful that you can go back?"
Matt smiled and kissed Dave on the cheek. "We'll make the most of our time, okay?"
Dave nodded, and wondered then if making the most of their time should include using caramel Smuckers. It would be wrong to use it; he heard that information from an old flame, and it couldn't be right to use it for his own gains. He shouldn't have even been talking to Jeff, of all people, about his and Matt's sex life, much less Kevin Nash. On the other hand, the idea of dominating things at least one was very, very tempting.
The dilemma: to Smuckers or not to Smuckers?
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