Hello Everyone. Sorry this update has taken a while. I was reading Dead Reckoning and sulking about, well those of you that have read it know why I am sulking.
Previously…
"Eric…" She whispered as if she was going to say or ask something significant. She could ask anything of me and I would do it without hesitation.
"Yes Sookie?" I replied eyeing her carefully, but still letting her know that she could tell me anything.
"Did you pick that song for a reason?" she asked intuitively. Her blue eyes boring deeply into mine as if she was hoping that my answer would be a resounding yes, which of course it was.
"That song was for you, my dear Sookie. I desperately need you to understand that I will always be there for you, if you'll allow me of course." I answered as I dipped my head down to her level giving her a chaste kiss on her cheek.
"Thank you Eric." She said earnestly as she pulled out of my embrace. The loss of contact affected me more than I ever thought possible. I found myself wanting to be near her always.
I went back to my throne, but from that moment on, I knew my world would never be the same. I would always yearn for her, need for her. No one else would ever come close to the level of intimacy that she and I shared and that was without any sexual contact.
I called Sookie over to let her know about Dr. Lasko and her appointment for tomorrow evening. She seemed relieved, but also a little scared at the prospect of professional help, but I reminded her that I would be there for her if she needed me.
The rest of the evening went by in a blur, none of the fangbangers or tourists or Sheriff duties seemed to matter to me anymore, all I cared about was that my two girls were happy and cared for.
Chapter 13- Sookie's POV
I was incredibly nervous about meeting Dr. Lasko for many reasons. The first of which was because I was afraid she was going to say that I was broken beyond repair. For another thing I was terrified about having to recount my ordeals. She would think of me as someone who allowed all these bad things to happen to me. She would regard me as weak.
When she walked into the house, I was immediately taken aback at how young she was. She looked no more than 21 or so, my age. She was also incredibly beautiful. She had green eyes and dark brown hair; she was tall but yet dainty in a very feminine way. I envied her.
"Miss Stackhouse, I am Dr. Lasko, but please call me Phoebe." She said in her very peppy sing song voice.
"Please call me Sookie. It is a pleasure to meet you." I said nervously as I twiddled my fingers.
Eric had asked if I wanted him to stay, but I told him that I would feel more comfortable doing this alone. Seeing Dr. Lasko, I was glad I asked Eric to go. She seemed like someone he would go for.
"Alright, let's get started." She said as we both made ourselves comfortable in the living room.
"Sookie, tell me why you decided to call me?" Technically I didn't call her, but I understood her question nonetheless.
"I'm just having a hard time dealing with some things that have happened to me." I said shortly. I barely knew her and I didn't feel entirely comfortable spilling all of my deep dark secrets to her.
"I can certainly understand that and I commend you for acknowledging that there are some things that you need help dealing with. You have already made the first step to healing yourself. Others in your position resort to violence, suicide or other self-destructive measures. " She said professionally. It wasn't as if I hadn't thought of ending myself, in fact when my maker was alive I wanted to kill myself so badly and I probably would have if my plan didn't work.
Also, it wasn't as If I could become addicted to drugs being a vampire and all. What was my other option? Start killing people? That would only make me hate myself more.
"Yeah well, I can't say I never thought of suicide." I said full of shame.
"So let's start at the beginning. The first step to healing is telling your story. So why don't we start there if that's okay with you." She said. I was glad she wasn't those types of psychiatrists that kept notes and wrote down everything I said. It was more like I was talking to a sister.
I didn't know where to start, so I thought I would tell her about Uncle Bartlett and my childhood. I hadn't even told Eric about this.
"Well. Alright my parents died when I was seven. They were caught in a flash flood and drowned. After that my brother and I were sent to live with my grandmother." I paused to build up the courage to tell her about Bartlett, but she interrupted my musings.
"I see. That must have been traumatic for you at such a young age. How did you handle their death?" She asked.
"Well to be honest, I was so young, I don't remember it all that well. I just remember my mother thinking that I was a freak of nature. I was closest to my father; he used to call me princess all the time and fawn over me. My mother resented me for that reason. So losing my father was really hard on me. He used to protect me from bullies." I told her. I hadn't thought of my parents in a long time. It's sad to say, but I didn't miss my mother, she treated me horribly, but my father's death definitely affected me in more ways than I was willing to admit.
"So I imagine it must have been hard not having a father figure around." She inquired.
"Yes, that was why, I guess, gran would invite my Uncle Bartlett over. You know, to have a strong male figure around for Jason and I."
"So your Uncle Bartlett was a father figure to you?" she asked. I gulped audibly thinking how incredibly fucked up what I was about to say must sound to her.
"No, not at all. My Uncle Bartlett was a sick man. He.." I paused while I tried to get a grip on the lingering anger and resentment I had for him. "He used to molest me. When gran would invite him over to babysit Jason and I while she went to run errands, he would tell me to go put on a pretty Sunday dress then he would make me sit on his lap while he touched me and shoved his erection into my little frame." I told her with shame in my eyes.
She just looked at me but she did not show any pity and for that I was thankful. I could see the wheels turning in her mind as she formulated a response to my revelation.
"And how long did this abuse last?" She asked. I could see the disgust she had for Bartlett.
"He would tell me that it was natural, and that I was being a good little girl, but I knew that what he was doing was not normal. It took me a year, until I found the courage to tell my grandmother about it."
"None of that was your fault. You know that right Sookie?" she told me sternly, as if she was willing me to believe that.
"In a way, I knew that what he did was not my fault, but I also know that I should have said something to my grandmother the first time that it happened. I guess I just thought that he might be right because of all the bad things that had happened to my family." I admitted. In my twisted mind, I thought that I had brought on the death of my parents and the abuse by my uncle on myself.
"You are only responsible for your own actions, and not those of the people around you. You can only react to thing happenings around you. What did your grandmother do to your uncle?" Dr. Lasko asked.
"She ordered him out of our lives under threat of death." I said smiling at the memory of my strong willed and highly protective grandmother. She was the only one, other than my father, who loved me unconditionally despite my quirk.
"How has the abuse by your uncle impacted your subsequent sexual relationships?" she asked. Boy was that was a loaded question.
"I have never had a consensual sexual relationship with anyone." I admitted sadly. That revelation in and of itself must make me the quintessential victim.
"I see." She said as she herself gulped. I knew that she was thinking of her next question.
"Have you been sexually abused by others?" She asked carefully.
"I was made a vampire against my will." I started, and I told her my story of how Bill had raped me, turned me and essentially made me his sex slave.
"Well Sookie, our time is over, but I would like to come back tomorrow night at the same time if that is alright with you." She said.
"I would really like that." I said, and that was the truth, she seemed to have an understanding of what I was going through and I really believed that she was the key to helping me.
We exchanged pleasantries and she left. I decided that it was still early enough in the evening that I should go make an appearance at Fangtasia.
I didn't want to teleport there because I didn't want to risk being caught and I didn't know if Eric would have anyone in his office, so I grabbed the keys to Eric's Escalade.
After meeting Dr. Lasko, I was eternally grateful to Eric that he had the foresight to seek that kind of guidance for me. I never would have done it for myself if he hadn't done it for me.
I parked next to Eric's Corvette and walked into the club. My senses immediately perked up and I sensed that there was something going on that I wasn't aware of. Eric's door was closed, but he was definitely in there. I put out my mental net to see if I could figure out who else was in his office. I caught the mental signature of a void, so I knew it was a vampire.
I walked into the main bar area to look for Pam. She was in her usual place, the door.
"Who is in Eric's office?" I asked her hoping that she wasn't going to say some sexy vampiress was in there banging Eric.
"A crazy bitch." Pam responded as if it was nothing and she went back to checking the ID's of the people in line.
What crazy bitch? I decided that if she was truly crazy, Eric wouldn't be in there screwing her brains out, so I decided to relax a little. I laughed at myself a little thinking of how jealous I had gotten at the prospect of Eric being in his office with a woman with the door closed. We weren't together, so I had no right to feel that way, but funny enough, I found myself feeling jealous more often than not. I made a note to talk to Dr. Lasko about that.
I went behind the bar and started filling the drink orders. Still, something about the vampire in his office felt oddly familiar to me. I made sure that I kept an eye on his office so that I could see who was there with Eric.
Twenty minutes or so passed, and then I heard the door open as she strolled out of Eric's office. I immediately became enraged and took a defensive stance.
She noticed me almost as soon as she walked out of his office. She looked at me with nothing but unadulterated hatred in her features. She had wanted me dead even when he was alive, so it stood to reason that now that I was responsible for his death, she was probably dead set on seeing me ended.
I focused on her as I she walked right up to me. I knew that she was going to try something I just didn't know what level of crazy she was going to try to unleash. Eric was following her as if he had come to the same conclusion as I had.
"You fucking whore. You have everyone believing that you are some pathetic victim, when I know the truth. He did nothing to you that you didn't want or ask for." She spewed hatefully. My cold dead blood boiled at her accusations.
"Lorena, that is not true and you know it. I should have had you ended for the shit you did to me too!" I yelled back at her. I noticed Eric tense when I said that. He hadn't known that she would sometimes partake in my abuse.
"Sookie, What did she do to you?" he demanded angrily.
I was exceedingly uncomfortable telling my secrets in a bar full of vampires and humans, all of which seemed to be focused on me.
"Not here." I said and I walked back to Eric's office. Pam, Eric and the bitch followed me. When we were all settled in his office and the door was closed. Eric looked at me expectantly waiting for my answer.
"She partook." Was all I could manage to say.
"And you fucking loved it. You begged for more. You dirty little whore, you wanted everything you got." Lorena continued to spread her disgusting lies.
"You think I wanted to be chained in silver as he fucked me with a fake silver cock! You think I liked hearing your fucking cackling ass. You are the one who told him to slice me up the way he did!" I felt naked admitting those tortures, and I hated myself for allowing her to bait me the way she did. I found my anger rising to the point that I couldn't control it any more. I lunged at her grabbing her by the neck.
Pam immediately grabbed her to make sure that she couldn't fight me off.
"Pam, take her to the basement. Chain her with silver." Eric ordered. Hearing his order, I released her neck, and Pam went to drag her to the basement.
"You're dead whore!" She spewed one last threat before Pam had her completely out of the office.
As soon as she was gone, I fell to the ground, burying my head in my hands in both indignity and anger. Eric bent to lift my head to meet his. His cerulean eyes met mine and I knew he could read every emotion that I felt. He didn't pity me though; he knew from experience that pity helped no one.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, not in anger, but more in sadness that I was carrying that kind of weight all by myself.
"It's not something to be proud of. I didn't want you to know, I didn't want you to look at me differently." I said as I looked away from him, praying that he would not think any less of me.
He pulled me into his body as he cradled me, letting me feel whatever emotions I needed to feel. He was there to provide comfort, not judgment. I felt that wholeheartedly.
"It's not true…what she said. I didn't ask for any of that." I whispered as he continued to hold me close.
"I know." He replied.
After a few minutes, I gathered myself off the ground. My sadness had turned to anger. I wanted to rip Lorena's head off, I wanted her to feel as much pain as her and her child had made me feel.
Eric must have sensed my anger and need to vengeance.
"We can't end her unless the Queen approves it, but we can punish her." He said, mainly to himself, but just the thought of punishing her made me smile sardonically.
Eric took my hand and led me down to the basement, where Pam was already inflicting her own brand of torture on the bitch.
"How does it feel whore?" Pam asked rhetorically as she whipped Lorena with a silver chain. Lorena's desperate cries made me smile. I took my torture a lot better than she was taking it now. Coward.
"This is for my sister!" Pam exclaimed and whipped her again. I swelled with pride in Pam's actions and the fact that she was defending me so fiercely. I loved that she referred to me as her sister. In that moment, I truly felt as if the three of us were a real family. I hadn't felt that way since gran died.
Lorena screamed and cried and made idol threats of revenge. Eric just looked on atmPam with pride as he rightfully should.
"Pam, please don't kill our guest. At least not yet." He smirked. "Have your fun, leave her chained until we can contact the Queen. Sookie and I are leaving; close up the bar when you are done." Eric finished giving his instructions to Pam.
We ended up leaving the Escalade at Fangtasia and I went home in Eric's Corvette.
"Was there anyone else involved in your torture?" Eric asked as we drove home. I understood what he really wanted to know. Was there anyone else who needed to die.
"No, not of their own volition anyway." I admitted cryptically.
"What do you mean?" He pressed me further.
I groaned at the memory of the humiliation I felt when Bill would order others to partake in his sick fantasies.
"He would glamour fangbangers to come to his house and have violent, angry, masochistic threesomes. Look Eric, any sick sexual fantasy you can think of, you can just assume that Bill thought of it too and made me perform it." I admitted shamefully. And it was true, Bill had a very sick imagination and nothing and I truly mean nothing was sacred.
He gripped my hand a little tighter at my admission.
"It's fine, Eric, I'm fine. Dr. Lasko is really helping me deal with these issues." I said mainly because I didn't want him to feel sorry for me.
"No one should have to go through that." He said in a low menacing voice.
"I know, but it happened. I can't change the past. I can only deal with the repercussions. " I said thinking of what Dr. Lasko said to me earlier in the night.
"Very pragmatic of you." Eric complimented. "You will be stronger as a result as I was." He encouraged.
"I know Eric, but it's a little deeper than that. It's not just the aftermath of Bill that I am dealing with. Dr. Lasko made me realize that my past has affected me more than I ever realized." I said feeling oddly comfortable talking about this with Eric.
"What do you mean?" Eric asked confused at my confession.
"I was repeatedly molested as a child. I realize that most all of my intimate experiences with men have resulted in rape or sexual abuse. I understand now that that was why I reacted to Callum the way that I did. I guess I just expected him to have his way with my body. I think, in a fucked up way, I just assume that of all men. That I have no say so, no control and that whatever a man wants from me, they will just take." I stated in a moment of mental clarity. Eric growled angrily at my confession, probably because I mentioned Callum.
"Is the monster who did that to you alive?" Eric demanded as he gripped the steering wheel. I thought he was going to break the damn thing.
"No, Bartlett is long dead." I said remembering the joy and relief I felt the day Sid Matt came to the house to let gran and I know that he died of a heart attack.
"Good." Eric said firmly. "An honorable man would never take a woman with their consent. A man who took a child was made to suffer for days before he was giving the reprieve of death."
"Yes, well neither men had any honor." I said quietly as we continued to drive home.
"Eric?" I said trying to think of how to frame my question.
"Yes, dear one?" He replied, and I loved that he called me that. It made me feel special and loved.
I smiled at his name for me as I said what was on my mind. "Would you like to go out with me?" I asked timidly.
"Sookie, are you asking me on a date?" he asked and the shocked expression on his face made me smile.
I laughed happily, "Yeah, I guess I am." I had never been on a real date and I couldn't think of a better first date than Eric.
He smiled, "Isn't it tradition that the male asks the female to accompany them on a date?" It was funny to hear him ask about human customs.
"Yeah, but I didn't think you would ever ask me on a date." I replied. And I noticed him stealing curious glances my way as he continued to drive home.
"Hmm. Well, I would love you go on a date with you Sookie, I just never thought you would be agreeable to it. Will you allow me to plan the date?" He asked. I had to seriously contain my silly smile. I don't think I could have been happier in that moment.
"Alright. I agree to that." I answered giddy as a teenager on prom night.
"I will pick you up at the house tomorrow night after your session with Dr. Lasko." He said and he picked up my hand and brought it to his lips kissing my hand lightly. I noticed his beautiful smile. His smile could light up a room, but being the stoic vampire that he was, he never smiled enough. It was all the more special that he reserved it for me.
When we got back to the house, we stayed up for a little while watching a movie and just talking about nothing and everything. His phone rang a few times. Pam had called letting us know that the bitch was resting manically in the basement. What a fool she was coming to Fangtasia to demand reparations from Eric. She never did strike me as intelligent though.
It was no wonder why Bill was the way that he was. With a maker like Lorena, she was a case study for psychologists in the study of nature versus nurture.
To think I could have turned out that way had I not gotten away from Bill. I would have killed myself before I ever allowed myself to become a monster like them. I told Eric that too, and he became angry at the prospect of me ending myself. In a way I could see his point. Suicide was a coward's way out, but in my case I thought of it more as an escape from a horrible fate rather than not being strong enough to overcome it.
A few minutes before dawn, Eric asked me if I wanted to join him in his chamber. I politely declined mainly because I wanted to do some reading and I didn't want to be stuck down there all day. Eric looked disappointed, but he understood.
I spent the next 12 hours reading and surfing the internet. Being awake during the daylight hours with no place to go was starting to take a toll on me. I needed to find something to keep myself busy. I thought about my dreams of going to college. It would be perfect to be able to spend the daytime working towards a degree.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to physically attend school, but I could take correspondence and online classes. I could pay for school all on my own thanks to the money I had been given from Bill's estate.
I would speak to Eric tonight about that, hopefully he would be supportive of my dream. Something told me that he would be, without a doubt.
I decided to go shower and ready myself for the evening before Eric woke. I didn't put on my date clothes, because I wanted it to be a surprise to Eric.
I had taken to online shopping and bought myself a really pretty deep purple mini dress with a low neckline. I had some silver pumps that I planned to wear with it. But for now I put on some yoga pants and a tank top.
I went downstairs, where I found Eric holding a bottle of Trublood for me, just like usual. He, however, was dressed for our date. He looked so handsome in his gray suit with a blue dress shirt.
My mouth dropped seeing his gorgeousness, and it was all for my benefit.
"Good evening Sookie." He greeted and smirked knowing that I visibly attracted to him.
"Um, hi Eric." I said trying to get a grip and stop ogling him.
"Dr. Lasko will be here shortly, so I will go to Fangtasia to get some work done, but I will be back in two hours to pick you up for our date." He said emphasizing the word date. He looked happier than I had ever seen him, and I hope he could see the same in me.
Eric kissed my cheek lightly and flew to Fangtasia, I guess he was going to drive the Escalade home. I hoped he wouldn't mess up his gorgeous hair, but something told me that even windblown, it would probably look gorgeous.
A few minutes later, Dr. Lasko knocked on the door. "Good evening Phoebe." I greeted her politely.
"Evening Sookie." She replied equally polite.
We settled ourselves in the living room and began our session. I found it hard to concentrate, though, I was too distracted thinking about my date tonight.
"You seem disinterested tonight Sookie, is there something wrong?" Phoebe asked. She was very perceptive; I guess that's partly why she was such a good doctor.
"I'm sorry. I am just thinking about something else." I admitted.
"Would you like to talk about it?" she asked. I thought about it for a few minutes, and I couldn't see any harm in telling her about my date.
"Well, I have a date tonight…with Eric." I said smiling at the thought of just him and me going out together. It was difficult to contain my excitement.
Phoebe, ever the insightful doctor, picked up on my glee.
"This is a good thing Sookie. You deserve happiness, and you trust Eric and know that he would not hurt you. " She advised. I knew that I deserved to be happy and I knew that Eric cared a great deal about me, but along that same line of thinking, I worried that if things took a sexual tone, how would I react? I hoped to god that I didn't react the same way I did with Callum.
"I know that, but I also worry that, if and when, we decide to take our relationship to the next level, you know sexually, I worry that I will react badly and push him away. I worry that I won't be able to be in the moment and I'll picture him as an abuser, like I did with Callum." I admitted sadly. All of a sudden my anxiety level rose to the point that I almost decided to call Eric to cancel the date.
"Calm down Sookie. Overcoming the abuse will not be easy, it will take a lot of work on your part, but I guarantee you both you and Eric will not take it there unless you are ready. Take it slowly; just remember that it is Eric. You trust him; he would never do anything that would make you uncomfortable." Phoebe said. It was true I trusted Eric more than anyone else in my life, but did I trust him utterly and completely? I relaxed a little at her words.
"Tell me Sookie, how do you feel about Eric?" she inquired. That was a good question, one that I never allowed myself to dwell on too much.
"I admire him for his strength of character, I envy his ability to overcome his own experiences, I care about him a lot, I don't want to see him get hurt. I get jealous of the women he has sex with, I feel safe with him, I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. I don't know if I could say that I loved him, because I don't know what it is to love a someone who wasn't a family member." I explained my view honestly.
"I understand your point Sookie. It can be difficult to understand the concept of love, but I will say that what you just described sounds like a very healthy relationship to me. It's normal to be jealous the way that you are, you desire him and to see others desiring him makes you feel possessive. He makes you feel safe, and I cannot tell you how valuable it is to have that feeling. If you can trust him with the things that you have told me, than I suspect that he is someone you need to keep near you." Phoebe said. It almost sounded as though she was giving Eric her Dr. Lasko stamp of approval.
"Promise me Sookie, that when you are with Eric, you will focus on the present. Do not regress to thinking of the past and your abusers. You know in your heart that Eric would never harm you." Phoebe said, and I agreed promising to live in the present sounded appealing to me.
"Good. Let's meet again tomorrow, same time." And with our next appointment set, we parted and I went upstairs to get ready for my date with Eric.