Chapter 13

-Awakening-

I looked like a monster. Beside my torn and bloody robes, I was covered in mud. I had to laugh about myself. How could I think about this now?

One of the enchantments of the Potters house was that it recognized welcomed visitors. It was no problem for me to enter the ground.

Wistful, I had to think about the last time I had been here, it had been Harry's first birthday. Now the garden appeared cold and gloomy to me though everything was in full bloom. My brain simply refused to accept what it had just witnessed.

The house was completely illuminated, though the curtains were closed. Approaching the living-room window I heard distant voices of a lot of people. I peeked through the curtain, I was able to see the outlines of people due to the light. James and Remus sat on the couch, their faces contorted in pent-up tension. Sirius sat on the floor in front of James, his back leaning against the couch, his face buried in his lap. My heart filled with warmth at the sight of him. But I would have never even thought that something might have happened to him. He knew his business. At least, he knew it better than any of them. Dumbledore stood in the middle of the room, he was talking to Moody, Peter, three men and a woman, I didn't know. Hello, Order of the Phoenix, I thought sarcastically. So finally we meet.

I teetered to the kitchen door and not wanting to break another window, I knocked. After a few seconds James appeared, his wand at the ready. One of the men I didn't know was on his heels. James looked at me like I was a ghost. I started to fidget. Just let me in! James opened the door, his mouth wide open, too.

"Hello." I really had no idea of anything else to say.

James started screaming: "Padfoot! Padfoot!"

The strange man gave me a glass of water I drowned. I didn't realize that I had been so thirsty. The scratches of the branches suddenly started burning fiercely, I felt every bone in my body ache.

Sirius flew around the corner in the kitchen and his face became the same expression James' still had.

My knees were shaking; I had the feeling I would be collapsing any second. Sirius had recovered and with a scream he grabbed me and drew me into his arms.

I saw that he had been crying, something I never saw before. As I felt the warmth from his body flooding mine, my knees gave way and I started crying horribly.

Sirius just picked me up, carried me to the living-room and laid me on the couch. He covered me with his cloak and sank on the floor next to me, one of his hands holding mine, the other stroking my hair, murmuring words I couldn't understand.

Dumbledore instantly bend down to me, x-raying me with his gaze.

"What has happened to you?"

I shook my head no.

"What happened to you, Miss Burke? Where is Dorcas?" His voice was stern.

I cried harder than ever, images started to return.

"Albus, leave her alone!" Sirius snarled, turning towards him.

The old men simply looked at him. James gave me a Firewhisky. Now this was exactly what I needed! I drowned it and took a second one. Sirius and Dumbledore were still glaring at each other relentlessly. I took a third glass. Now I felt calmer.

"She is dead." Both their heads turned to me. Faltering I told them everything that had happened to me that night. I always had to interrupt myself, because the memories were too horrible.

„So what do you think, Albus?" Moody asked later when he and Dumbledore were alone in the kitchen together.

„Dorcas didn't betray us. She was a brave woman."

„I was referring to Sadra."

„I don't know."

"Not many escaped the Headquarter of Voldemort to tell the tale."

"Lily and James nearly did, too."

"How about the leak in the Order?"

"She doesn't know about the Order."

"Are you sure? Sirius is too much of a spitfire for my taste. He could have told her things."

"I know. But these marks she told us about. That's how they communicate. Don't you think that this information would be too much of a giveaway for a spy?"

Moody shrugged. "And how did he know about Dorcas' membership at all?"

"That must be due to our leak. Though I wonder why doesn't already know the rest of us. Obviously we are sold out one at a time. But I don't believe it is Sirius. I will go to Hogwarts now. I will fetch my Pensive and collect Sadra's memories of tonight before she will be able to manipulate them, just in case."

I woke with a start. It was dark, it had to be night again. Sirius, who was sleeping next to my couch on the floor, woke up immediately and took my hand.

"Sirius, why didn't you tell me about the Order?"

He didn't answer.

"Why?" I pushed.

"I was not allowed to. We had to make sure that you are trustworthy."

"You didn't trust me? After all?" My voice sounded shrill in my ears.

"I am not the only member of the Order."

"You should have told me." I repeated.

"I wanted to tell you, but Dumbledore refused to give me permission. We can't tell everyone about it. Voldemort is hunting us. We don't even know which Aurors we can still trust."

"Am I really everyone?" I asked ignoring the rest of the sentence.

"No, you are not. But remember when I met you? You were always surrounded by some Death Eaters. Do remember what I told you back then? You could have been a spy for them."

"Me? What kind of spy would I have been? Being your girl for nearly two years, hoping that one day you might tell me something that could interest the Death Eaters?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"You are well aware that other people did even worse things."

I shook my head.

"I don't believe that you didn't trust me the whole time."

He crawled on the couch to me, pulling me close.

"I did trust you. I wanted to tell you, but Dumbledore…"

"Does he make your decisions lately?" I snapped.

"Sadra, without him the whole fight would be useless. He is the only one Voldemort fears. I respect his decisions, even if don't like them. It wouldn't work any other way."

I remained silent. I felt betrayed, even if I heard the truth behind his words. Yes, this was what he had talked about when wanted me to go back home. Should have gone. If I had known this! I would have left! Now leaving wouldn't be possible anymore.

He embraced me, whispering:

"I love you. Please understand me."

I shook him off. "Leave me alone."

Dumbledore woke me up as the sky turned from black to grey. I saw the outline of Sirius' in front of the window. He was tense. But why? My head was spinning. Dumbledore was talking to me, half of his words didn't reach my mind. But I gave my memories more than willingly to him, I felt released. Still everything seemed to be unreal. I laid back on the couch, my head aching, all the noises around me sounded like I was underwater.

The men crowded around the Pensieve and dived into my memories two at a time. If I hadn't been too dizzy to think at all, I would have laughed, because it looked so funny to see all the men diving into the stone basin and coming out ghostly white. For Sirius it was worst. He had to endure all the accusations Voldemort had made and had to witness my humiliation- lying naked on the floor in front of thirty or more men.

Dumbledore nodded gravely. For tempering with the memories there had been no time. He turned to Sirius.

"Well, what do you have to say?"

He shook his head. "None of this is true."

"How did he know about the baby you want?" I asked puffed. This was so embarrassing.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. I…I love you, I mean…I wanted to have a baby….with you for love's sake, to…come on, you know how I feel about this!"

The others looked at him.

Dumbledore jumped to his aid. "We all know that Voldemort is a very accomplished Legilimes. No accusations. We need to talk about this. But I want to discuss this with Moody, first. Alastor- a word, please."

He shot a side-glance towards Moody, who nodded.

Both of them left for the kitchen, Sirius started to pace the room. He was furious, muttering things under his breath. The other members of the Order left the room one by one because of his unnerving behavior until only Sirius and me were left.

I wanted to sleep, but Sirius kept pacing the room.

"I have to kill him. Merlin, he is going to pay for this."

"Sirius, please. I have to sleep." I moaned, my head was aching now like it never did before.

He sat next to me, trying to enclose me in his arms, bit I couldn't stand being touched.

"Leave me alone, please. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need rest."

He swirled around. "You believe this, don't you? You believe I am a Death Eater! You believe I slept with Dorcas and you believe I need you for pure-blood breeding!"

"No, no, none." I groaned.

"Why did you ask this question then? Hell, I love you! I didn't even think of touching other women since I know you, look what I put you through! Would a Death Eater do this to his heir's mother?!" He was beside himself, I think he was highly charged, too.

"Sirius, please." I started crying again. I hated myself for being this weak, I didn't want to do this all the time. But my nerves were on the edge.

He put his head against a cool window. His knuckles went white from gripping the windowsill.

"Oh, I can't." He turned and left the room. I had no idea where he went to when I heard the door slamming, but I couldn't care. I took sleeping potion and slept for two and a half days.