*Clarke*
"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."
- Jodi Picoult
They said it was suicide. That he must've stolen the pills from the facility. They said nothing could've been done. He was too far gone. Too sick.
It was such bullshit. All of it. Even two weeks after, I felt a mix of anger and guilt that had me unable to do...anything. He could've been helped. I could've helped. Right?
Bellamy didn't think so. Just like everyone else, he assured me that it wasn't my fault, that Finn decided and there was nothing we could do. And I wanted to believe him, I really did. Finn didn't though. His empty eyes from that day we dropped him off reminded me that I didn't do enough.
"You look nice." I told Bellamy from my bed as he stood in front of the mirror, straightening out his suit jacket.
"You too." He replied with a tight lipped smile. I hadn't had the courage to get dressed yet, so I still laid in bed in my pajamas, the black dress hanging ominously from my closet.
"I couldn't clean up Princess vomit in a dress." I shrugged, glaring pointedly at my cat who had thrown up early this morning, an event that was becoming more and more frequent.
"Of course not." Bellamy sighed, collapsing onto the bed beside me. I rolled onto my side and tugged at his tie, only so I wouldn't have to remember what he was all dressed up for. "We should take her to the vet. Maybe tomorrow."
"We could do it tonight."
Bellamy gave me a look that said he knew what I was doing and he wasn't buying it. "I don't think that's the best idea."
I sighed heavily and sat up, running a hand through my hair. I was about to put a boy I loved in the ground. As much as I pretended to be ok, I wasn't. Princess would have to wait.
"I should get dressed."
St. Patrick's church was like any other church I had been in. High ceilings, stained glass windows, and a vague sense of gloominess. I think it was candles. Or the occasion.
The service lasted about an hour but I didn't really listen. Not when the priest spoke about Finn as if he knew him or when Raven told some story I vaguely remembered from years ago. Really, I couldn't focus on anything. It was too hard when his smiling picture stood at the altar and snow drifted past the windows and the empty pews were quieter than if I was there by myself. The only thing that reminded me that I wasn't the dead one was Bellamy squeezing my hand every few minutes.
When it was over, we all trudged outside and stood on the freezing marble steps. Raven had to handle Finn's ashes, as it was too cold to dig any holes in the cemetery, so Bellamy, my mom, and I waited. We were the only ones there. No family or friends. I had a feeling Finn didn't imagine his funeral to be like this. I didn't either. And it made me wonder what mine would look like when it happened.
"I'm sad that I had to meet you this way, Bellamy." Mom said suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I wish I could've come down sooner but I've been so busy."
"Clarke tells me you're a doctor."
The two began chatting and I spaced out once more, staring out into the street. Cars passed, pedestrians walked, and I remained. For a second, I even thought I saw him, nestled in an alley looking right at me. I wanted to follow him. To try and save him.
"Clarke," Raven came up behind me and grabbed my hand, gesturing for Bellamy and Mom to head to their cars. "don't beat yourself up about this because I already know you are. It wasn't your fault. Not yours or mine or anybody's." She squeezed my hand tight "The only thing you're going to do is stick yourself in a bad place and Finn wouldn't want that."
I stared up at the clouds for a moment, contemplating her words. The entire sky was white and I imagined poking a hole through it and letting some sunlight through. That's what he would've wanted. For the first time in two weeks, I managed something that resembled a smile.
"We'll be ok." I hadn't said it yet like everyone else had but this time I meant it. It was true.