I'm sorry for the delay in updating, basically summer happened.
It's been a good few days after coming clean with Amy, she's teased me a bit, well a lot but she's dead supportive too. I feel like a weight has been lifted, I'm starting to accept and understand who I am and what I want.
I want Brendan. Properly, I've never been so sure of anything.
I haven't seen much of him since the whole awkward dinner with Mitzeee. I was worried at first because in situations like this he gets distant, he can be callous, cruel even. But he's just been dead busy and stressed out with the whole gay night, it probably has nothing to do with Mitzeee finding out.
I want to cheer him up, so I pop into Il Gnosh before my shift to pick up his lunch. Jam sandwich and a sugary tea. Tony complains, his 'up scale bistro doesn't sell jam butties' but I eventually get him to give in.
From the doorway of Il Gnosh I watch as Brendan storms out of the club, slamming the door behind him. He looks furious, jaw clenched and hands run through his hair. John Paul comes running out a few seconds later, he catches up to Brendan and desperately grabs hold of his arm.
Brendan pushes him away and carries on walking down the fire escape stairs. John Paul looks angry when he reaches him again in the courtyard. I can't hear what's being said from here, they seem to be shouting at each other in whispers. Getting the final word Brendan walks away, John Paul flips him off and heads back up.
I'm not sure what to do, follow Brendan to his place or just go to work? I also don't know what to think. What was all that about? I've never seen him like that before, sure Brendan gets angry, frightening so sometime but that was like disappointment or something.
Brendan will want some space and he won't be in the mood for talking. He's never in the mood for talk, he'll have a few glasses of whiskey and come back later with a clear head.
I go to work.
That priest who's way too friendly speeds past me on his way out of the club, almost running straight into me. He doesn't even stop to apologise, I thought his lot were meant to be dead polite.
"Oi, watch it will ya?" I yell at his back.
He apologises meekly before hurrying away.
I can tell John Paul is still in a mood when I get up there, aggressively looking through his records, with a right face on him. He barely even looks up at me, but for once I actually want to talk to him. Find out what's going on.
"Alright?" I ask.
"What's it to you?" He frowns, looking me over incredulously.
"Just making conversation, being nice and that." I smile tightly.
"Well don't, I'm not in the mood to be dealing with you today." He rages. "Shouldn't you been stacking shelves or mopping the floor or whatever it is you do around here?"
"You ain't the boss of me." I know it's childish as soon as it leaves my mouth, but I get so mad around him.
"This is my night, Brendan's left me in charge so actually I am your boss. I'm not Brendan right, you being 'nice and that' has no effect on me so you'll actually have to do some hard work for once."
"What do you know about hard work? You spend all night spinning discs and drinking Brendan's stock, for free I might add." I argue back.
"Are we really going start talking about who's taking advantage of Brendan?"
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing at all." He laughs, shaking his head. "Just stock the bar, yeah?"
"Yeah, after I've eaten me lunch."
I sit on one of the sofas and bite into the jam sandwich I had originally bought for Brendan. Soon after the rest of the staff shows up and everyone's buzzing, making it easy to stay out of John Paul's way. I can't figure out what he meant, all the stuff he said about Brendan and me. But I'm not going to get it from him, I'll have to wait for Brendan to get back.
{~}
I have to give it to John-Paul, the music is ace and everyone is having a great time. The night's proper banging, way better than that gay club I went to in town that one time. Brendan comes in eventually, but his mood doesn't seem to have improved any. He gives us a hand behind the bar, it's mental how busy we are. We brush past each over while moving around and make eye contact but there isn't a second to stop and talk.
But he has plenty of time for John Paul.
They sneak off to the balcony together, Brendan coming back in after a few minutes, John Paul not long after that. I can't figure out the expression on Brendan's face before he locks himself in the office but when John Paul heads back in he looks miserable.
I imagine my face sometimes looking exactly the same. Like after I've had an argument with Brendan, or after he's said something that makes me realise that I'm in this way deeper than he is. I can't help think about what's going on between the two of them. Two arguments in the space of a few hours, John Paul obviously miserable, what the hell is going on?
Brendan has made it clear so many times that this is not a relationship, no matter how much I may want it to be. So if he were sleeping with John Paul why would he lie? He'd have no reason to, I think.
I have to trust him so I throw myself back into work. I shake it off easily enough, the more I think about it the more I realise he has no reason to lie to me. Anyway we're so busy and I'm having such a laugh I don't even have the time to dwell on it.
"Beer please?" The next customer asks.
"Here'ya."
"Come here a lot?" The dark skin man inquires while taking a swig from his beer.
"Yeah, I work here." I tell him confused.
"I know." He laughs. "Just making conversation. I was trying to be funny, obviously failed."
"No, I'm just dead slow, me." I admit, feeling self-conscious.
"I doubt that. Noah by the way." He says, holding out his hand for me to shake.
"Ste."
"Well Ste, it's nice to meet you."
"Same. I've not seen you around before, you just here for the club night?"
"No, actually I've just moved into the village from Manchester."
"I'm originally from Manchester." I note.
"Well it's nice meeting another Manc."
"How you finding it leaving in such a small village?" I remember how weird I found it, difficult to fit in.
"It's… different." He muses, finally finding the right word. "Everyone's been very welcoming, which is nice. I like the sense of community, on the other hand you can't make a move without everyone knowing your business."
"Frankie Osborne, Cindy and Myra Mcqueen." I list the names off on my fingers.
"Huh?"
"Local gossips, don't want the whole village knowing make sure they're out of ear shot."
"That could be difficult as I work for Cindy."
"Hmm, bad luck."
"She's a laugh really."
I leave for a wile to serve other customers, eventually coming back to him when his bottle is empty.
"Two double vodkas barman, let's toast to my new life."
"I'm not really supposed to be drinking."
"Oh come on, you telling me everyone doesn't have a drink now and again?"
"All right then, just the one."
I pour out a couple of drinks, we toast: 'to new beginnings and new friends' and then chug them back. I feel the liquor burning a path down the back of my throat, the tingle makes me cough and my eyes water. As my gag reflex kicks in and I splutter some back up, I feel dead embarrassed and I can't help but laugh, which leads to more coughing.
"Light weight."
"No I ain't!" I deny, croaking.
"Why don't the two of us go for a drink sometime?" He invites. "You can welcome me into the village and show me them drinking skills of yours?"
"I don't pay you to stand around talking to customers, drinking my stock." I recognise Brendan's fuming voice from behind me.
"Sorry my fault, I brought Ste a cheeky drink. A thank you for his hospitality." Luckily Noah stands up for me because for once in my life I've nothing to say. "Best barman I've ever had the pleasure of having."
"Steven my office, now." Brendan demands.
"Wha-" Brendan's already walking away. "I should go." I indicate towards the office door.
"I'll still be here, waiting."
{~}
'What? But I'm working.' Is what I was going to say, before Brendan so rudely walked off. I'm used to sneaking away in the middle of my shift for a quick one – down in the cellar or the office – but never when it's this busy. Then again, I've not had anytime with him for days now, if the boss lets me skive off to get off, who am I to complain?
"What's up?" I ask casually, knowing full well what's on his mind.
"What was that?" He demands, ignoring my question.
Looking at him, properly, I can see that something is bothering him and maybe the whole strict boss thing wasn't an act just to get me alone.
"What was what?"
"Out there, you and that guy."
Is this just about me drinking on the job? I know he doesn't like the staff getting legless, but it was only one shot. This I can deal with. The night's been a great success and everyone loves it so he can't stay mad at me for very long.
"Oh, the drinking I know I shouldn't." I say innocently, gliding my hands down his waist, trying to butter him up. "But I'm having a banging night, me."
"Don't you think you're being, I don't know? Overly friendly?" He asks, taking my hands off of him.
"Maybe, but I'm raking in the tips." I've made more money in tips tonight than I'd normally make in a month. "Just in time for Christmas, eh?"
"I think you're giving out the wrong impression."
Wrong impression?
I'm just doing my job.
"I'm just being nice to Noah, making sure he has a good time. You know, repeat business and all that."
I throw in a business term I've heard Mitzeee say, to make it sound proper professional. It just seems to make him angrier.
"Noah is it?" He spits, tick in his cheek going off like crazy. "You know all the punters by name? Or jus the ones that flirt with you."
Flirt with? What is he going on about? I look back towards the bar for answers, even though the door is closed. Wait, flirting with Noah? It hits me, he's jealous of that guy from the bar. It makes me laugh, because the idea is ridiculous. I've never seen Brendan like this, all twitchy and unsure, insecure even. I never thought I'd see him so… I don't know, like he cares?
"Now that I think about it, he is kinda cute." I know I shouldn't but I can't help but mess with him, for all the times I've felt jealous.
"Yeah if you're into bald headed, gaped toothed, muscle Marys." He digs.
"I was thinking more, clean cut, distinguished and buff." I counter. "As well as tall, with lush dark skin like chocolate, well fit."
"Are you trying to wind me up?"
Yes.
"Are you jealous?" I can't even hide the smile on my face any longer, because he's so obviously is.
"Jealous, of him? Have you seen my face?"
Uh, he's so cocky, but still jealous.
"You are jealous." I confirm.
"No, I'm not. It's just that he was all over you."
"Hardly." This is the problem with Brendan, he doesn't understand a simple act of kindness. "Do you not trust me?" I don't even need an answer, I can see it on his face. I've chosen to trust him today and I've taken his word when he's asked, why is this such a problem? "Right. You know what, when it comes to distrust, you don't have a monopoly."
"What?"
"John Paul?"
Fucking John Paul.
"Really this, again?" He asks, clearly bored of he topic.
"Yes this. I saw the two of you, earlier having it out in the courtyard. Then before huddled out on the balcony. Talking all private like." I let out all the things that have been building up today.
"We're mates. He's the resident DJ at my club. We jog together most morning. And he did organise this entire night. Funny that we have things to talk about."
I hate when he gets sarcastic like this, like he's showing how much cleverer he is than me. He really still trying to push the whole 'just mates' thing, after everything I've seen. Brendan can't stand most people, yet John Paul he just can't stay away from?
"It looked a little more heavy than club business or a friendly chat." I argue back, sardonically.
"You've been watching me?"
He make's me sound like some kind of bunny boiler or paranoid housewife or worse some stalker that can't take no for an answer.
"No. I just wanna know, I need to know what's going on between the two of you."
He doesn't say anything for a long time, just stares at me with this angry gaze and it's unnerving. After a while of nothing but the semi-muted sound of music through the door his expression softens. I finally think he's going to come out and say it, admit it.
"Steven, honestly we are just friends. That's the last time I'm going to say it." He's normally expressionless, hard to read but it's like he's begging me to believe him.
For what it's worth I do.
"Okay. I believe you, but you know he fancies you, right?" Just because I believe him doesn't mean I trust John Paul.
"No, he doesn't."
"Yeah he does." I laugh out because it's so obvious. "That morning after you let him spend the night at your's and I came to get the keys, he made it seem like you'd spent the night together."
He just laughs like its no big deal, but I know what John Paul is like. With Craig Dean, he didn't care if the guy was 'straight' or in a relationship, just went for what he wanted.
"He would have just been trying to wind you up." He reasons, blowing it off.
"But why?" I ask because it doesn't make any sense, even if he does have a thing for Brendan why make the effort of making me think there is something going on between them, unless... "Wait, does he know?"
"Yeah, he figured it out." He admits calmly, which is weird.
"Right." He knows Brendan is gay, how does that make this any better? "So he knows you're gay, he's always hanging around but you don't think he's trying to get into you pants."
"No." Brendan answers without pause, sure of himself.
"I thought you were the smart one here."
"He knows about us, so you don't need to worry."
"Yeah, well he knew his last best mate had a girlfriend an'all, didn't stop him jumping in bed with him."
Why is he blind to this?
"If you must know he's seeing someone. He's really not a problem."
"He is, who?" I ask with intrigue, feeling like one of the gossips Noah and I were talking about just a few minuets ago.
"I can't say."
"That bad is it?" I ask, my mind starting to wonder. "Another straight guy? This one married? Wife and kids hidden away somewhere?" He simply shakes his head. "Come on, just give me a clue."
"Sorry, not my secrete to tell."
"You said he knows about us right? Well people in relationships share everything, he'll know that." I debate still trying to get the dirt on John Paul.
"Good thing this isn't a relationship then." He snipes.
This again, when will the denial end? He can't even be honest when it's just the two of us. I'm not asking for a marriage proposal or even to be boyfriends, just some acknowledgment that this is real, that there's more than just sex between us.
"Right, so let me get this straight. John Paul who sleeps around with whoever he likes, not a care in the world who he might hurt, him you keep secrets for and defend. But for me you can't even admit what this really is."
He lets out this animalistic roar, like nothing I've ever seen before. "This, this isn't anything."
"Yeah, I'm starting to see that." I'm finally getting it into my thick head that he's never going to commitment, not even a little. "I'm going back to work. Get back to Noah."
{~}
He did wait, Noah, he's seated on the exact same stool that I left him on.
"More shots I think." I suggest, enthusiastically with a big smile on my face.
"That's the spirit."
I turn to get the drinks, but I have to stops because my hands are shaking from anger. I breathe through it. Inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth while counting to ten, like I learnt in anger management. When I turn back to Noah the strained smile returns, I don't think he's noticed, happily slamming back the drink.
"Another?"
"Why don't we slow down a bit?"
"Yeah, sorry. Just not having a great night."
"The boss?"
"How'd you guess?"
Noah tilts his head, indicating to the end of the bar where Brendan is standing. He's giving us a death stare, with a bottle of whisky in his left hand and a glass in the right.
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
"More like every morning." I reply bitterly. "Enough about him, tell me about you?"
{~}
The night goes pretty fast after that, it's a blur. It could just be how busy we are, Noah kindly keeping me company or the large amount of alcohol I've consumed. We stay open two hours later than the normal closing time, Noah being the last person to leave. Thirty minuets after that most of the staff have gone, leaving me, John Paul and Brendan.
Awkward.
I escape to the ground floor, distractedly wiping down the bar top. I can hear their muffled voices from up stairs, so I stop what I'm doing and creep half way up the stairs.
"- what you said before and I think I understand why you reacted the way you did." It's John Paul.
"You do?" Brendan sceptically inquires.
"Yes."
"So you're going to end it?"
"You asked me if he is worth it and the answer is yes. No wait, let me finish okay? I never thought I would feel like this, that I'd find some else that made me feel safe and loved and like I'm worthwhile."
Is he talking about Brendan or this mystery man he's supposedly seeing?
"As long as you're sure."
"I am. So we're good?"
"Great."
"Good. I'm going to get off, thanks for the beer."
I realise that's my queue to move because John Paul will be walking down the stairs any second. I run down on my tiptoes, as quietly as I can picking up the rag and continue wiping down the bar.
After locking the door behind John Paul I go up to see Brendan and he looks as drunk as I feel. Miserable too. I stay stood at the top of the stairs, lips scrunch to the side of my face, looking down at my fidgeting fingers. I don't know what to say and he isn't talking either, if one of us doesn't say something soon I'm going to be stood here all night.
"We need to talk." I tell him, walking to the bar.
"We do?"
"Yeah, about everything that went on tonight."
"You mean you with that pillock?"
"Can you just stop drinking?" I cry, prying the glass out of his hand. Neither of us needs to get any drunker, it won't help. "And this has nothing to do with that guy. This is a bout you and-"
"God help me, if you mention John Paul one more time, I'm going to lose my mind." He spits. "I get it, I'm the only guy you've ever been with but it-"
"No you're not." I smugly inform him.
"I'm not what?"
"Your not the only one." I smirk, spitefully.
"You're lying." But he looks unsure.
"No, I ain't."
"You said I was your first."
"You were." And technically only. "It was after that."
"So I've been putting up with all this grief over John Paul when you're the one that's been sleeping around?" He laughs to himself. "You know what I'm not even surprised."
"What does that mean?"
"Well you pretend to be this family man, bad kid turned good. But look at you, the show you put on for that Noah tonight. You're always gagging for it."
"Don't talk to me like that!" I shout, getting into his face.
"I've put up with you long enough I think I've earned it. What was it, sweaty one night stands in club toilets?"
I lose my shit, seeing punch him, my knuckles throbbing from the impact. Brendan just laughs wiping the blood from his split lip.
"There he is, the real Ste Hay." He hisses.
I can't believe how much it hurts, a little thing like him calling me Ste. The way he said it: Ste Hay, like I'm insignificant. Just a council rat in a tracksuit.
"Don't act like you didn't deserved that." I don't back down.
"What for?"
"You basically called me a slut."
"Your words."
I go for another punch, but he sees it coming this time and grabs my wrist before I can make contact. Time stops and we're just staring at one and other, the room filled with our heavy, angry breaths. Brendan still has a tight grip on my wrist, he's moving in closer until his lips are hungry pressed against mine but I pull away, cutting it short.
"It wasn't an insult." He says, looking me in the eye. "I like that you love dick, that you love my dick."
He kisses me again, pulling at my bottom lip to draw me in. Again I push him away.
"No, I'm still angry with you."
"You telling me you're not hard right now?" He ask, smugly.
Brendan steps into me, so we're groin to groin and he's right, I am hard. Embarrassingly so, my erect length pushing against him, making him smirk.
"Like I said." He gloats. "You love my dick. You love sucking on it."
He unbuttons my jeans.
"You love having my come slide down you throat."
Then pulls down the zipper.
"Most of all, you love having it buried deep inside of you, stretching you wide and making you scream. The noises you make."
His lips are on mine again, hand on the back of my head holding me firm while his tongue explores my mouth, ravenous. For a third time I stop him, but make no attempt to escape his hold.
"You're an arrogant fuck." I spit.
This time it's me that goes for the kiss. Its uncoordinated and desperate, too much teeth and saliva while tongues battle. Brendan spins us around and walks us back till my back hits a wall. The harsh impact producing an 'ouch' from me, but it's ignored by us both, too busy fighting to get the other man's clothes off with out breaking the kiss.
I grab hold of the lapels of Brendan's jacket, skimming it over his shoulders and down his arms. Brendan pulls away long enough to remove my t-shirt, whist keeping us connected by grinding his groin into my throbbing cock. The friction created is so delicious pre-come leaks from my slit.
"Oh god!" I cry.
I clumsily grasp at his shirt, pulling it out of his trousers and pawing at the skin I can get to on his lower back. I want more, need more exposed skin and so start to undo the buttons. I continue to grind against him, my lips now pressed into the base of his neck, into that beautiful curve down to his back.
I can hear him ripping open a condom rapper, the time has came for me to pull those absurdly tight trousers down. A wet patch of pre-come is revealed, it marks the head of his dick, straining for release from his tight boxers. I pull down the boxers, gliding over and squeezing his firm bum cheeks while he rolls the condom onto himself.
I hurriedly kick off my trainers, pulling down my jeans and briefs simultaneously. We're kissing again, Brendan's palms cup my bum and he tugs me up so I can wrap my legs around him. I slide two fingers into his mouth while we maintain intense eye contact, he suck on them hard, slicking them up. I slide both fingers into myself, fingering myself as Brendan reclaims my mouth.
I'm not loose enough when I position the head of Brendan's cock at my entrance, but I can't wait. He looks at me to make sure I can take it, his eyes uncertain. The kiss I give him must be reassurance enough, the head of his cock finally penetrated my tight muscle.
The feeling I get from penetration is indescribable, like my soul as well as my entire being is opening up for him. I can feel my muscles working to pull him in, as if in sync with my lustful mind. He drives into me with one thrust, our moans echoing loudly throughout the room.
"Sweet, sweets screams." He croons.
His thrusts are hard, his pace and rhythm are fast and erratic and I love it. It's carnal, me clawing at every piece of expose skin I can reach, him biting and sucking at me. It's rough and desperate, both of us taking what we need from the other's body – needing the other's body. Brendan takes hold of my dick, pumping it erratically as he is fucking me and I can tell this isn't going to last for much longer. Both of us too drunk for stamina and frantically trying to reach release.
The room is spinning, the combination of pain and pleasure driving me over the edge. I close my eyes and enjoy the sensation of being stretched and filled to the limit, as he continues to work his cock against my prostate.
"Open you eyes for me."
I do as I'm told. He's eyes are black, pupils completely blown. Brendan is beyond the point of arousal, he's lost, has come apart for me, because of me and it is this thought that finally pushes me over the edge. We peak almost simultaneously, an orgasm ripping through each of us, gasping and panting into each other's mouths.
We stay like this, him still buried inside of me with his head tucked under my chin, my arms and legs wrapped around him tightly, in post - earth shattering - orgasmic bliss.