A/N: Now that we've survived the apocalypse, have a chapter.
FYI, Monday and Tuesday there will be no updates. I'm heading up to New England to find an apartment and will not have my laptop with me. I'll post two chapters tomorrow night to make up for it and two on Wednesday. Promise.

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Chapter 12: Babies

Shepard stepped into the Normandy's hold, happy to find the ground team already waiting for her. Half of them looked confused; equally, the other half looked annoyed that they'd been disturbed. Samara and Thane, as usual, didn't look much of anything.

"I have news," she said. "Some of you are aware that the Illusive Prick contacted me recently and we promptly changed course. This is because he picked up a turian distress call reporting a skirmish with an enormous, unidentified ship. They disabled it before they were destroyed. He believes this is a Collector ship." A small murmur ran through those who knew what that meant – Samara and Thane were quickly filled in. "Our job is to investigate and, if it is indeed a Collector vessel, infiltrate the ship and its databanks. We're to gather information – that is all.

"Now, of course, this brings up the fact that we are getting close to the point of no return in our mission. It's come to my attention – and, by that, I mean that I've noticed – some issues with proficiencies amongst this team. Because of this, I have taken the liberty of breaking the team into specific sections based on proficiencies, and will give you assignments to work on." Shepard looked down at the datapad in her hand. "Biotics – including you, Thane – will group together. I require all of you to be proficient in at least two different weapons – your choice – and advanced hand-to-hand. Thane, if you would take control of hand-to-hand instruction –" The drell nodded. "And Jacob and K—Alenko, if you would take weapons proficiency. Techies – that'd be Tali and Mordin and, for lack of better options, Garrus and Kasumi – you're in another group. Your focus is weapon proficiency – Garrus, you'll oversee that. That leaves Zaeed and Grunt." She paused, a small smile ghosting across her face. "Initially, I thought about making the two of you participate in team-building exercises –"

"Hell no," Zaeed immediately protested. "I don't get paid enough for that shit."

She held up her hand. "But then I remembered who I was dealing with, and that they're a waste of time anyway. So you two are, instead, going to work on staying in cover and not running across open areas with guns blaring. Because the best way to avoid getting shot is to not present a target. Am I understood?"

Grunt scoffed. "So what? We're supposed to hide behind crates for the next two hours?"

"Yes. Or I let the biotics use you as target practice." She paused. "That's actually a good idea, except that Chakwas would kill me. Break into your groups. Today, biotics, focus on hand-to-hand. And you two." She pointed at Zaeed and Grunt. "Cover. Or else."

#

Heavy footsteps pounded the corridor behind him. Joker was busy plotting the next relay jump, even though they were an hour out, so he ignored them.

Seconds later, a flash of movement occurred in his peripheral vision, and he glanced over. Jack was pulling herself up on the platform next to his console, propping her feet up on one of his mirrors as she munched on one of the biotics' energy bars from the mess. "Whoa! What the hell are you doing?"

She shrugged. "Gettin' comfortable."

"But – that's my console! What if I've got to press a button over there or something?"

Jack glanced around her. "I don't see any buttons over here."

"There could be. And anyway, there's safety protocols. I –"

"Okay, so if you hit the brakes I roll off. Whatev." She shrugged. "Don't care."

He frowned. "You know what, fine. Whatever. Stay up there. Just don't break my mirror."

EDI flickered. "Cerberus safety protocols indicate that –"

"If it's against it, I'm all for it," Joker said.

She grinned. "Same."

They were quiet for a while as Joker started to flip through security feeds again. "So what the hell was Shepard doing in the cargo hold earlier?"

Jack shrugged. "Making us do some bullshit hand-to-hand proficiency shit. I think I can fucking punch someone, ya know?"

"So she was making you learn hand-to-hand?"

"Had that drell prick teachin' us. Assassin or whoever. I already got fifteen ways to kill someone. Don't need more."

"Doesn't bother you that Shepard knows at least two hundred different ways to kill something?"

"Nah. Only need 'bout fifteen. Less, if you're doin' your job right."

Shepard was currently in the engine room with Tali, talking with the quarian and her engineers. They were laughing about something, though he hadn't turned the sound on. Kaidan was talking to that asari justicar Samara in starboard observations, probably about biotics or some other such nonsense. Kasumi and Chambers were talking at Chambers' terminal in the CIC, and he figured he probably didn't want to know what they were discussing.

It was safer that way.

"So when're we gonna fuck these Collectors up?" Jack asked, swallowing a mouthful of the bar.

"ETA's six more hours," he answered. "Ship's five and a half out from the relay, and we're a half-hour out from the connecting relay."

"Great. I need to kill something."

Joker glanced over at her. "Glad it isn't me."

She chuckled. "Hell. Who the fuck else on this ship is gonna mess with me?"

"Probably no one. I heard the latest rumor is that you eat babies."

"Babies?" She outright laughed. "They're disgusting. All wrinkly and shit."

"So you've actually gotten close enough to a baby to see that?"

"Hell, you kiddin'? Saw one on the extranet once. Goddamned babies."

"You saw it on the extranet? Geez, you don't get the full picture unless you've actually seen one in person, and it pisses on you."

"That's sick, crip. Why the fuck would you let it piss on you?"

"What was I supposed to do? Risk the wrath of its mom by throwing it? Moms are scary."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Wouldn't know."

He echoed her expression, turning back to his console. "Yeah, okay, that got awkward."

"Whatever." Jack shrugged. "Don't give a fuck."

"Well, that's good, 'cause I'd rather not get snapped in half today." He paused. "So whatcha think of the newbies?"

"What 'bout 'em?"

"Well, unless they haul their scary asses up here I ain't gonna see 'em."

Jack chewed thoughtfully. "The drell's kinda a stiff. Keeps mumbling on about Ashikki or summat. And the asari's kinda terrifying."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Joker retorted dryly. "Jack's scared of something."

"Don't start with me, crip."

"Hey as I see it, you can't kill me or that asari'll beat the shit out of you."

Jack paused. "You're an asshole."

"Coming from you, that's a complement. I'll take it." Joker straightened up. "Plotting relay jump." Jack sat up, staring out the viewport. Joker's hands flew across the console. "Entering Ilium relay in five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one."

She watched as the relay latched onto the ship, grabbing it and slinging it towards its destination. "Drift just under ten-hundred k." Joker settled back with a self-satisfied grin. "Give me another twenty years and I'll have us at one-k."

"Bullshit."

"Hey!" he protested. "You don't know that!"

"You'd better be magic then."

"Maybe I am magic."

Jack settled herself back on the console. "Hah! Right. Magic's a load of shit."

"Says the biotic."

"Biotics are different."

"Enlighten me, oh great one. Considering that my CO before Shepard kept referring to them as 'magic,' I'd like to know the difference."

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A/N: Not a lot of Shenko, I know. Basically, when I need filler, I resort to this.