"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"
The crowd was shouting. Everyone was arranged in a semi circle in the living room cheering the contenders on.
Howard and Raj were shotgunning a Red Bull after a large doubleshot of Gin. They were neck and neck, close to a tie, when Raj in a effort to win poked a larger hole on the side and promptly choked on the increased flow rate. The spectators cheered some more, and a voice in the background could be heard saying "pay up, your guy lost."
Coughing and sputtering put the energy drink Rajesh grinned goofily. "I love you dude."
Howard meanwhile, was still going strong, two more seconds left - and he drained his can! Amidst cheers and applause Howard stumbled over to Raj, holding onto him for support. "I love you too dude." He paused for a moment and let loose a great belch.
"Huh, tastes like mint." He said, smacking his lips. "I haven't even had mint today, that's weird."
"That was fucking great man." A tall bearded behemoth of a man said. "You guys chugged all off it!" He said excitedly.
"Thanks! . . . I want to say Bert? Right?" Howard said swaying a little, looking at his brunete beard. "I didn't even know you made your own gin."
"Yeah it is Bert, from the geology department," He said, "But it wasn't Gin- it was moonshine."
"Moonshine?"
"Yeah- you should be feeling it really kick in soon."
That means that Raj and I had just chugged two shots worth of concentrated ethyl alcohol.
I had the realization that we were going to get fuuucked up tonight.
And that was the precise moment Raj vomited on my shoes.
"Come on." Bert said, grabbing Raj by the arm and physically pulling him to the back deck. "Let's get him some air."
I should back up and explain how we ended up in this situation.
A few hours ago Raj came and helped me start setting up for the party. Chips, dip, delivery pizza, the whole nine yards.
Sheldon, Leonard, and Penny were going to arrive together, with Leslie and Kripke sometime afterwards. It was going to be a quiet houseparty, nothing crazy or too intense.
But then Penny invited a DJ friend she had, who in turn invited a few more people, Leslie was talking with her friends in the pharmacy department and they decided to tag along, Kripke ended up inviting the whole geology department, and everything snowballed from there.
The result?
A house party for the ages.
And in the commotion, the Bet of me stripping down to a leopard print man thong were forgotten.
The Pharmacy department ended up bringing a legal, but experimental MDMA ecstasy analog substitute, meant for PTSD treatments.
It ended up being passed out like candy on Halloween.
The Geology department came with pizza and beer. Nothing bad could come of that, they were boring wallflowers right? But Bert was in the department.
And Bert brought his homemade Moonshine.
Somebody else brought poker cards, twister, and Cards Against Humanity. There was a slip and slide set up in the backyard along with a beer pong table.
Penny was set up inside, bartending on my mini bar, charging a few dollars a drink. Leonard was helping her with the speed and grace of a Russian ice skater- guess the ecstacy helped him relax. The two were bobbing their head to the heartbeat throb of music- a mix of hip hop and dubstep.
And then someone from the pharmacy department had the swell idea of crushing up the pills, and using them to coat the rims of glasses.
The Neurology department heard of the shenanigans, and brought along various multiphase color changing strobe lights. Meant to test and scan for changes in brain activity while wearing a electrode cap, it was being used to provide complex ever shifting party mood lighting.
Like being in a cloud, if that cloud was a acid dream. Dreamt by Salvador Dali. While he himself was on all the Drugs.
Needless to say, the party rocked.
"Oh sweet," Bert said, "the bench is free." He pulled us into a small side bench I had on the rear deck and handed Raj a bucket. The sound was quieter outside, even if you could still here the music grooving.
"But yeah man, I make my own moonshine. Got a liquor license and everything. I've been making it ever since my wife died." Bert said.
Wife died?
"I didn't even know you were married." Howard said.
"It was a few years ago." Bert said. "She and my daughter died during childbirth. It's actually what lead me to making Matilda's moonshine."
"Huh. I did not know that about you." Howard said, swaying side to side lightly, as if on the deck of a pitched ship in moderate swells. Rajesh has fallen asleep, face in a small bucket. Luckily it was devoid of vomit.
"What, you didn't think I was just a kick ass geologist and rock climber did you? I'm 41 dude, it's completely different from you physics department hires in your 20's."
Bert chuckled as Raj started falling off his seat. With one strong arm he pushed him back upright and leant him against the smooth plastic siding of the house.
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." Bert said. "Kripke told me about everything going on since your mom died, we go rock climbing once a month and hunt for fossils, I'll tell you this - when my wife passed I was alone and didn't have much of a support network, it's what got me into beekeeping and home distilling, but it could have gone really badly otherwise."
I didn't know what to say.
He and Kripke rock climbed together? Bert was married before? Was I too drunk and overthinking things?
"Is that why you named your shine Matilda?" I slurred.
"The exact reason actually, it was supposed to be our daughters name, but that's not my point Howard."
Bert looked at me with a type of glance that only those who have been through extreme pain can experience. The glance of a kindred soul, having been at a similar point in its journey wishing to impart the wisdom of misteaks.
"My point is you've got good friends, like this guy here," he said slapping Raj's shoulder, "you've got friends that care about you. I know things suck right now, and they will for a while, but there are things to live for."
My throat choked up and tears welled in my eyes. It might have been chalked up on just feeling emotional or having the ecstasy kick in, or choking on some spit, but in that moment I was speechless, only able to nod.
"Now then!" Bert said slapping his thighs loudly and using that momentum to stand up. "I'm going to make sure people don't drink too much of my moonshine and get alcohol poisoning. You guys take care. Let's go bowling next friday or something?"
And with that, and the sound of the sliding glass backdoor, he was back inside.
I should… do something. Something I should do. . . Oh! Get Raj dragged to the spare guest room upstairs.
Carefully laying him down on the bench, careful to set him on his side, I wobbled over to the backdoor and stepped in. A veritable scene of madness greated me.
The Neurologists have figured out that their adaptive optic program that converts sound into light variations, with a little bit of fine tuning, made for a perfect Rave lighting. It was hooked up to the DJ booth now, and the party was swinging in earnest.
Sheldon was drunk on Long Island Iced Tea's and holding a geology book while telling stand up jokes about volcanoes and giggling over the pronunciation of the word Geode.
Kripke was covered in glow sticks, rolling hard on E, and dancing by the door distributing glow sticks to people he'd bump into.
Leonard and Penny were full on making out while people cheered them on. Leslie was throwing popcorn at them from a distance, trying to see if she could distract them.
Amy Farrah Fowler was grinding on the dance floor full on feeling the effects of ecstasy, completely filter free and unrestricted.
Wait, hold up.
Amy was here?
What was she doing here?
A moment later it clicked.
Of course, the entire neurology department was here - Amy included.
This might be the first party she's actually been invited to, in a way, but she was definitely enjoying herself either way. She was grinding pretty hard on a girl that was twerking and feeling her up.
My god, she is such a repressed bisexual.
The ecstasy id unintentionally taken was really kicking in now, Raj on the other hand mostly had moonshine in his system, having vomited the red bull up. Guess he wouldn't be awake anytime soon. Which was a shame.
This was the best party of my life.
Bopping and jiving my way across the impromptu dance floor that was my living room I got Kripke's attention, being the closest.
"Hey! Hey Kripke!" I shouted, striving to make myself heard over the music.
"Howwwaaaaawwwdd!" Kripke said, leaning back comically and giving a high five. " Kwazy party dude!"
"Thanks! Hey could you help me drag Raj to the bedroom?"
"What's with him?"
"He's a lightweight, I think he just needs a chance to sleep it off." I said and gestured outside. "He's passed out on the deck."
"Okay!" Kripke said pumped, excited to be moving. "Hey lemme get Leslie, we could use some hewp." Kripke started laughing heavily as if the imagery of Rajesh Koothrappali passes out was the funniest thing ever.
"Alright! Let's do that!" I said.
Someone was fucking on my bed.
And I had a sneaking suspicion who.
After we got Leslie involved and we're on the way out the door, Penny and Leonard had made a dash towards my bedroom. As they were gone, and the door was locked, the explanation seemed elementary.
They were having hot, passionate, molly fueled sex and probably would be for a few hours.
Good for them. I wanted Leonard and Penny together, admittedly not in this way, but it works maybe. Ehhh the fallout would be a issue for later.
"So where are you gonna sleep?" Leslie asked as we were getting Raj roughly positioned in the spare bedroom upstairs. He was immobile and refused to move. Getting him upstairs was like dragging a passed out calf.
"In there." I gestured behind my with my thumb and whipping the sweat off my brow. It was both hot from exercise and from so many people dancing downstairs.
"Mowe bedrooms?" Kripke asked, flipping the light switch off and carefully closing the door. He had the fire though to grab a bottle of water and leave it within Raj's reach for when he awoke.
"Small personal lab actually." I said, shaking my head.
"Weally?" Kripke said interested.
"Mind if we take a look?" Leslie asked. "I'm feeling the urge to do math."
Oof.
Why did I say that?
Right now the walls were covered with the formulas and advanced mathematics I'd spend the last two days laboring on showing exactly how Naquadah was created.
I wasn't worried about them finding the hint about vibranium. The hint was hidden in a hole so deep in the math it was more likely you'd find the entrance to Wonderland first.
"Sure, but don't freak." Howard said. "I've got this long term bet going with Sheldon that I think I might have won."
"Uhhh huh," Kripke said, " and why shouldn't we fweak?"
"It's pretty big stuff- I think I may have discovered a new element along with classification of matter." I said, and with that unlocked the door, letting us pile into the room.
"No way." Leslie said, checking over the math for the fourth time and finding it correct. "We have to be getting punked."
"I know." Kripke said in awe. "But it is his handwriting. And this math is Wight Yeaws away fwom what Sheldon can do."
For the last ten minutes, Leslie and Kripke were looking over the massive amount of math I had written on my whiteboard walls.
50 feet of whiteboard detailed the exact formation of Naquadah, how the gravitational fluctuations allowed for the quantum hiccup to form, how the temperature has to be in a precise range that only blue supergiants could burn at, and how the coloring dual supernova wave impacting rewrite the current understood laws of special relativity.
Kripke and Leslie shared a glance and seemingly agreed on something instantly.
"Someone else needs to see this."
They both went downstairs in a effort to find more physicists to double, triple, quadruple, quintuple, and hexalaterally check the math.
Was this too much?
I mean, this was literally paradigm shifting math right here, the same as when Copernicus said the solar system was heliocentric, and not the geocentric people believed at the time. But that was the thing about Science and Math, it didn't care what people thought, it just was.
I opened Pandora's box with inviting them into the lab.
At least, on the plus side, I didn't have half remembered future events scribbled out. Or drawings of the Stargate. Basically everything incriminating was nice and safe in my head.
Well.
Relatively speaking.
A few minutes later a few physicists who i've seen around the various departments, Bert, and a Leonard /Penny with sex hair combo stumbled into the room.
"Hewe it is." Kripke said. "We checked the math, but need a couple mowe opinions."
"What do you think, is this possible?" Leslie asked Bert.
Bert looked at the math. Mentally crunching the numbers in his head his eyebrows furrowed. He looked over the wall that had the name, classification, and sketch of how the atomic formula and composition of Naquadah would be.
"Nano Atmospheric Quantum Undulating Amplification Dynamic Atomic Halo?" He said. "Well, being a molecular geologist who specializes in the study of elemental creation - I have to say it's plausible - but id have to run numerous simulations to be sure."
"Is this how all scientist party?" Penny asked.
We had known her for all of a few weeks, and in the time she was dealing with the breakup of her Ex. Needless to say this party had broken her out of a depressive funk.
"What?" Leonard said adjusting his glasses. Squinting at the boards and taking all the exotic math in. "No, no. . . were usually much more tame, but when nerds party its all out. . ." he said absently. "Howard, did you do this?"
"Yeah." I said. "Yes I did. Took me two days and a lot of coffee, but the idea took hold and it wouldn't go away."
"Do you know what you did?" Leonard asked.
I snorted a laugh. "Completely crushed Sheldon when he finds out?"
"Well that too, but look," He gestured towards the board, " You just solved the world energy crisis."
"That sounds like a important thing." Penny said, brushing some hair off her face looking interested. "Isn't that the kinda thing you win awards for?"
"Win awads? The Nobel Pwize is nothing against this!" Kripke said. "This could fix Humanaties enerwy pwoblem fow good, this is a histowic moment in that case."
"Wait," Kripke paused and thought for a second, a historic moment? Something of that caliber really ought to be documented, "I gotta get a selfie and powst twis on myspwace."
"Oooh me too!" Penny said. "I want to be in the news!"
"Why don't we all just take pictures and selfies?" Lesli said. "If we post this online, other people can do the fact checking too. Plus my hair looks amazing tonight"
"Good point." Kripke said, taking out his cell phone. "Cheewse." He snapped a goofy selfie with the most iconic part of the board- the composition of the Naquadah atom as the backdrop, and posted it on his Myspace and Facebook account.
Within a half hour, most people at the party had snapped pictures of the entirety of the room and posted it online.
Alrighty then.
Stargate Command was definitely going to catch wind of this.
Might as well cut loose and enjoy the party.
The next morning
The alarm was buzzing.
"Five more minutes. ." I grumbled, swinging my hand trying to find the silencer. To my surprise it wasn't there. Instead of slapping the snooze button I had open palmed slapped Sheldon in the face.
A very passed out Sheldon.
On the living room floor. Where visual evidence suggest we passed out on last night.
What happened last night again?
The buzzing sounded again, this time more shrill and annoying.
Wait. . . that wasn't a alarm clock. That was the doorbell.
"Gimme a moment!" I yelled, standing up and looking around the house.
It was a hot mess.
There were panties hanging on the side lamp, pizza boxes were splattered on the floor. Leslie wearing only a bra and pants was passed out on the couch where I woke up. It looked like we were spooning.
Kripke was wearing only tighty whitey underwear and covered in sharpie graffiti. His face had a Handlebar mustache and his chest had some pretty bad scribbles covering it.
Sheldon was passed out on the floor with a pile of geology books, like a Tolkien dragon guarding his treasure hoard.
Leonard and Penny were covered in a blanket laying on the floor behind the other couch. I was almost scared to pull it off because it seemed like they were naked underneath.
The front door kept ringing.
"Give me a moment!" I yelled throught the door, walking closer so I could crack it open while it was still chained and see who was there.
Grasping the doorknob I opened the door a crack, and saw a Middle aged man in a Air Force costume.
"The costume party was last night," I said, "were all hung over and partied out. You're too late man."
His forehead crinkled a bit in frustration. "Are you Howard Wolowitz?" He said.
"Yuuuuuuup. And who are you?"
"My name is Colonel Richard Williams," He said and passed me a folder through the slit in the door, "This is not a costume and here are my credentials."
I took the folder and looked at it, rubbing my eyes blearily still waking up. MIT graduate…. Exemptionary military service… high governmental clearance.. And a top secret consent form?
Wait.
This wasn't a guy in a costume.
This actually was the Air Force coming to talk to me. Possibly about the paper we wrote, probably about the pictures that got on the Internet last night.
Fuck. This was actually happening.
"Son," Colonel Richard said, "can I have a moment of your time?"
Authors note:
This is my biggest ( and personal opinion) best chapter to date. I've only been writing this for what, a month or so? But it feels like if nothing else, the dialogue has gotten more organic and fluid.
I've taken some creative liberty with Bert the geologist. He seemed like such a One Dimensional character in the show, and seemed like the perfect fit for a appearance like this.
Plus, in cannon, Kripke actually rock climbs, so it's not too unimaginable for Bert and Kripke to be rock climbing buddies.
Please leave me some reviews. I like to hear what people think about how this story is heading. Shinigamiluffy- the next chapter will be partly from Stargate Commands reactions. I would have done it in this chapter, but it was already getting long for me (considering mine are 2k typically)
Ive also decided that some of the formats that look really good on the computer, look terrible in Mobile, so sometime soon I might go back and edit the structure of a couple chapters.
Cheers,
ArtAddictedArchitect