I can't believe I forgot to say this the first time I posted this... OVER 100 REVIEWS! You guys are amazing, I love you so much.

I promise, things will get better eventually…they just have to have lots of hard times first.

My e-mail is, once again, screwed up. So if I don't answer something, I'm really really not ignoring you. stupid piece of crap...

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Carlisle

Her breath caught sharply, and I could feel her body freeze up, just as mine had. I fought to speak, to move, to do something, anything but I was failing, until I felt her start to tremble. That effectively snapped my out of my shock. I pulled her into my arms and against my chest, sinking back against the door. She didn't speak, only buried herself closer, her whole body still shaking violently. It was dark in the room, and no one would suspect that anyone was in here, no pressure to move any time soon.

My internal clock pushed at my distracted mind about 10 minutes before I was supposed to meet Edward, and I stirred slightly, as if coming out of a coma. I wondered, idly, if we would have sat there all day if I hadn't have needed to move. "Esme, love…" It sounded so loud in the stillness, loud even to human ears. Or perhaps not, but she heard it well enough to tense, cling tighter to me. "I have to go."

She nodded, her face still pressed into me. She didn't want to move, I could feel it. Well, that certainly made two of us. But I had to go. I had to. I gently pried her fingers away from my shirt, frightened at how cold her hands felt under mine, not as fire warm as usual. When I had finished, she sat back, wrapped her arms around herself. She looked pitifully lost, and I ached to pull her to me again. "Carlisle…you'll come back?"

"Always." She should never doubt it, not ever. No matter what. I leaned over her, kissed her forehead gently. "Get some more rest, please." I brushed her hair back, let my hand linger on her cheek. "Should I carry you?"

She shook her head, hard. "No. I want to stay here for a minute."

I hated leaving her here, on the cold floor, but she clearly didn't want to move an inch. I nodded hesitantly, couldn't resist stroking her cheek again. "Alright. Tonight, then." I slid out the door quickly, before I became too weak to leave.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''

My mind was blank was I came in, and I wasn't surprised to see Edward smiling. Of course, to him nothing had happened.

"Good morning. You're just on time."

"I can't…" I shook my head, sank into my desk chair. "Edward, I can't do this today. I don't think…" No, I wasn't ready to face people, conversation. I let it rise in my thoughts again, let the whole morning replay. I knew the moment he understood, heard him swear under his breath and push away from the table he leaned against.

"She…Carlisle…"

"Yes."

"You're cer-"

"Yes." And truly, I felt sick thinking about it again. It would nice of him to let up, a little.

"Sorry." I felt his hesitation, then the disturbance in the air as he rushed to my side, his hand falling to my shoulder. "I'll put a note on the door. Say you can't see anyone today."

I sighed, shook my head. That wasn't really fair to my patients. I had a job to do, regardless of whatever mess was going on in my personal life. "No. I should…" But I couldn't, and I knew it. I wouldn't be a good doctor today, and that wouldn't help anyone. "You could do it, it's all very minor."

"You need me."

I couldn't argue with that, and I stopped trying, let him walk away. Yes, I needed him. I needed his presence, his companionship, even if it didn't change anything. And so much had changed, in one realization. So very much. I had not, could not have been prepared for my response. I told myself that it should have been better. Calmer. Of all the things that happened until now to make me learn the feel of jealousy intimately, I had never felt it more acutely than I did now. I would have never dreamed it could be this sharp, this malevolent. I could feel it eating at my insides, leaving a path of destruction.

She was pregnant. She would have his child. His child. I wanted to snarl in rage but I didn't even have the energy, couldn't even muster a growl. No, my anger attacked only me, destroying everything it touched. She was mine, and she would have his child. I could hardly bear the thought. It would not have, perhaps, been quite as bad if I hadn't wanted it so desperately. Edward was my son in every sense, of course, but I loved being his father, loved everything thing about the thought. To have a child with her, to give her my child… The very thought was both gloriously beautiful and heart wrenching, the worst kind of agony. It was everything I could have wanted, made even worse by the fact that even if we were truly together, it could never be. This…this monster could give her something I could not. Something I so desperately wished I was able to give. To hear our child's heartbeat, to care for them both, to see our baby born, healthy and well…it was the most tempting fantasy I had ever imagined, and equally the most searingly painful.

I crushed the heels of my hands into my eyes, tried desperately to clear my mind. It hurt too much to imagine, I didn't want to see it anymore. I didn't want to think, not about anything, I wanted to be blank, numb. But God the jealousy…it was far too powerful for me, almost a living force. I was almost sickened with how much I would have been willing to give at that moment, just to be him.

I barely felt Edward crouch down beside the arm of the chair, his head coming to rest against my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Carlisle." The pain was so deeply seated in his words that for a moment I regretted that he had no choice but to share my thoughts, to share in the agony of them. And besides that, I would not want him to think for a moment that I thought him any less my son, cared any less for him- "No, of course, I know." He sighed, heavy. "I know. But I understand, also, how much you want this. I know that nothing I can say could ease this pain, and I'm sorry for that. I would do whatever I could for you, if there was anything that could be done."

"I know." I could hear the sorrow in my voice, so deeply rooted. I would have to pull myself together before I saw her again. I could not allow her to see me like this.

"You should talk to her. Tell her how you feel."

I shook my head slightly, my hands still covering my eyes. "No. It doesn't matter now. It never would have, anyway. It's not as if…" I shook my head again, stronger. "It's not as if it were possible." But oh, how I wished it was.

He leaned back, shifted to the side to slide all the way to the floor and lean back against the desk. "You never thought you were missing anything after all this time, not really." It wasn't a question. He had read as much in my mind.

"No." I had adjusted so fully to this life, I never missed being human, never really wanted it back. Not until now.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

His sharp intake of breath told me something, someone was coming, and I raised my head quickly, finally moving.

"She's coming."

But his words were unnecessary, really, because I could smell her now. I swallowed hard, struggled to pull at least my expression under control. "Can you-"

"I'll let her in. Look at me." I did, and his head tilted, taking it in. "Very convincing. Good." He opened the door as she reached it, stepping aside to let her in. "Esme." His voice put a thousand meanings into her name, and she paused to hug him before she came any closer.

"Edward. Thank you."

I couldn't help but wonder what she was thanking him for, but I assumed, that it was, of course, his discretion with her thoughts. He was always so very good about that. "Was it safe for you to come here?" My voice sounded only a little dead, but I knew she would still hear it. I would have to do better than that.

She looked down, nodded. "Yes. He's out." She stood still several feet away, and the distance was driving me crazy. I wanted her closer. I needed her closer. "Carlisle, I…"

"Come here. Please." Even if it shouldn't her hesitation worried me. She never willing stopped that far away from me. It meant nothing, I was sure, but even so I relaxed when she came forward, let me pull her into my lap. I shuddered, nuzzled into her shoulder. Better. So much better. "Alright, forgive me. I'm listening." She seemed nervous, so very frightened, and I was glad that I had had the hours in between to calm a little bit. I kissed her cheek, squeezed her gently. "Esme, everything's going to be alright. I promise." I didn't know how, but it would be. I would take care of her.

She nodded, eyes still downcast. Whatever she wanted to say, it seemed almost impossible to get out. She took a deep breath, let it all come out in a mumbled rush she knew I would catch. "Carlisle, I want to leave. I'm ready to leave."

To say I was shocked would have been putting it mildly, but I recovered well, quick enough that she would have never noticed. This was good news, of course it was. So why did I feel so wounded? "Of course. As soon as Edward and I can everything in order…two days at the most, wouldn't you say?" I looked at him over her shoulder, saw his tight nod. "Yes. Just two days." I smiled for her, pushed her bangs back to kiss her forehead. "I'm so glad you changed your mind."

She smiled weakly, brushed a hand against my cheek. "I was afraid you might be angry at me."

"At you? Never." Hurt, yes, but I couldn't quite place why, not while I was focusing everything on her, on our conversation. I tangled my fingers with hers, pulled her hand up to kiss her knuckles. "Are you alright?"

"Better, now that I've had some time to think." Her hand fell to her stomach, her thumb rubbing against the fabric of her dress. "I never realized until now that I…" She looked at me with almost worried eyes, as if she were wondering how much she should say. She seemed to find everything she needed in my eyes, and her smile widened a little. "I never realized I wanted this until now. I had thought, someday but…" She shook her head, a look of awe on her features. "I never knew how much."

Yes, I knew exactly what she meant. All the more reason she could never know what I longed for, what I so desperately wanted. I would not lessen her happiness in this, not for all the world. I kissed her hand against, nuzzled against her skin, breathing her in. "You will a wonderful mother, Esme. I know it."

She pulled her hand away from mine, took my face in her hands. "I would like to think so. But you will be an even better father." She faltered for a moment, worry flashing in her eyes. "If…if you wish…If you could ever think of them as your own…You are the only father I would ever tell this child they had. The only one they need."

I closed my eyes, let her words wash over me. No, it wasn't quite the same. But it was close, and it was wonderful. Any anger I had had melted away, and I pulled her closer, let my hand come to rest over her womb. Her child…and mine, for we would raise them together. "Yes. Of course, yes, Esme…yes." She hugged me fiercely, and I could feel her tears against my neck. My arms came up to wrap around her, rubbing her back comfortingly. "Shh, love. Everything's going to be alright now."

She sniffed, laughed softly after a few uneven breaths. "Yes. I think you're right."

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"Have you figured it out yet?"

I looked up from the box I was packing, giving Edward my most confused glance. "Figured what out?"

"Why it bothered you, that she wanted to leave now."

Yes. That. I had, actually, tried not to think of it. It was stupid, it was selfish it was-

"You're wrong, you know. That's why I brought it up." He pulled up a box I had already finished, sat down on it next to me. "It isn't that the baby is more important than you. That's not at all how she sees it. It's just that she would feel guilty, if the child got hurt because of her. She doesn't want that to happen, that's all. Nothing rivals her love for you, Carlisle. Not even the love she has now for her little one. It's just protection, that's all."

I shouldn't have been so relieved to hear it, but I could feel an almost invisible tension in my shoulders ease. Of course, I should have realized that on my own. If he would hurt her, he would not hesitate to strike his child. My hands clenched, a growl rising. No, that could not be allowed. She was right. Of course this should be the deciding factor, more important than any other.

Edward smiled, gentle. "Yes. Normally I wouldn't tell you, but I couldn't stand to have you hurting over something that wasn't true. Even if you kept trying to ignore it." He stood, bounded back over to book shelves to finish his work there. "I'll go get the papers ordered tomorrow?"

Yes, we would need those. She needed a birth certificate, at least. The rest we could figure out later. Along with other details, such as where exactly were going, something I hadn't even thought of until this moment.

I grinned suddenly, the reality of it catching up with me. We were leaving, finally. In two more days, she would never have to deal with that bastard again. She would be mine, wholly. Only two more days.

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But this isn't over yet…so I wouldn't get too comfortable with any sort of warm fuzzy feeling. Heh