DISCLAIMER- I don't own these boys, their toys, or any of the lyrics sung out below.
CHAPTER 13-
It was a tense half hour as Dean ventured outside to set up the trap while Sam covered him from the second story window with nothing more than the suction cup bow and arrow. But now the elder Winchester was safely back inside the house and in position.
He crouched down beside the front door, still panting from the adrenaline rush as he finished arranging his meager arsenal beside the doggie door. The Winchesters had never owned a dog as far as he could remember, but luckily someone who had occupied this rental house had as the opening suited his purposes quite nicely.
Lifting the flap on the mail slot to scan the perimeter outside, he could clearly see the "X" he had marked on the sidewalk in brightly colored chalk. He nodded with satisfaction and then raised the G.I. Joe walkie-talkie to his mouth to check in with his brother upstairs.
"Ok, Sam. All circuits go! I've rigged the alert system to the front gate. When Gordon enters, he'll trip the string that'll trigger the Talking Mr. T Doll. You should be able to hear this clearly over the Baby Monitor and that'll be your signal to get into position with the Ewok Village Catapult. I'll be watching through the mail slot. As soon as Gordon hits the 'X' I'll send the remote control Dukes of Hazzard car through the doggie dog. Once you hear the General Lee's horn you launch the diaper with the Catapult. If my calculations are correct the diaper should land right on his head while the remote control car trips him up. If that doesn't stop him you will launch an assault of suction cup arrows, aiming for his eyes, while I open the door and field kick the Mr. Potato Head right at his skull. Once the enemy is subdued I'll tie him up with the Fraggle Rock jump rope and that'll hold him 'til Dad gets home. Do you copy that, Sam?... I said Sam do you copy?... SAM!... Sammy?"
Dean shook the walkie-talkie in his hand, slapping at it with mounting concern until he heard a long audible sigh come through the receiver.
"I just can't believe we've been reduced to this…" Sam said miserably. "This has got to be the craziest scheme you've ever cooked up."
"Hey, well, my schemes may be crazy, but they always work don't they?" Dean grinned, "So this should be the most successful one yet, right? In the meantime, you keep on channeling Missouri. If she actually hears you and gets here before Gordon… she can help you aim the diaper!"
"Dean!"
"All right, I mean she can get us safely to the police," Dean rolled his eyes before muttering under his breath, "You're no fun… And Sammy. You keep down out of sight. I mean it! You're Gordon's main target and he's probably going to be scoping out the place to figure out which room is the nursery. So no peeking out the window! You hear me? Just let the Mr. T Doll do its work."
"Yes Dean."
Now it was Sam's turn to roll his eyes. But he ducked down beneath the window all the same. He sat with his knees drawn up to his chest nervously squeezing them against the Pooh Bear strapped to his waist.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK…squeak squeak squeak… SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK
"Sam, what's wrong?" Dean asked sharply.
"What? Nothing. Nothing's wrong," Sam said, then added, "Well, other than the fact that I'm waiting for Mr. T to tell me when to catapult a diaper at gun wielding maniac."
"Dude, you're squeaking out 'SOS'!" Dean snapped.
"I am?"
"Yeah, now cut it out unless you have a real emergency! It's making me nervous and we need to stay calm and focused!"
Hmm hmm hmm hmmmm… hmm hmm hmm hmm… Duh duh duh duh DUN!... Hmm hmm hmm hmmmm… hmm hmm hmm hmm…Duh duh duh duh DUN!
"Dude!" Sam snapped back, "You're humming Metallica!"
"So?" Dean spat, "It calms me down!"
"But Dude… For Whom the Bell Tolls?" Sam scoffed, "How is that helping this situation?"
"What's wrong with that… You know…Maybe the bell tolls for Gordon!"
"It might toll for us!" Sam hissed.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!
"Damn it, Sam! Knock it off with that friggin' Bear!" Dean shouted then quickly pulled himself together, "Sorry. Sorry. Look, Sammy. Just take deep breaths ok? Concentrate on channeling Missouri, and… Say your prayers, Little One… Don't forget my son… to include everyone…"
"Oh my God, Dean!" Sam cried, "Are you now singing Metallica?"
"No…" Dean chuckled nervously, "That just slipped out. Nothing to have a hissy about. Just chill... Chill is the air cold as steel tonight… we shift… call of the wild… fear in your eyes… it's later than you realized…"
"What the… You are singing Metallica!"
"S…So?" Dean stammered, "Don't be worrying about what I'm doing… You just look alive, Soldier…Soldier boy… made of clay… now an empty shell…"
"Oh, that's a cheerful image! What is wrong with you? Gordon is on his way here! This is no time for doom and gloom Karaoke!"
"I… I can't help it," Dean insisted, "It's a compulsion! It only happens when I'm really really freaked out and… Old habits reappear… fighting the fear of fear… growing conspiracy… everyone's after me… frayed ends of sanity… hear them calling me…"
Dean clamped his free hand over his mouth.
"Sorry!" he muttered against his palm.
"Frayed ends of sanity is right," Sam grumbled.
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!
"Sam! I swear! Don't make me take that bear away from you!"
"Try it and I'll be flinging the diaper in your direction!" Sam growled, "This whole situation is nuts! Your singing is making me mental and this friggin' bear is the only thing keeping me from losing it all together!"
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!
"That friggin' bear's a pain in my ass… and the pain still hates me… so hold me… until it sleeps…"
"I would hold you but I'm manning the Catapult, remember?" Sam said tightly.
"Dude, come on!" Dean said, "We've both gotta pull ourselves together. 'Cause when Gordon gets here…"
"I PITY THE FOOL!" said the Mr. T Doll.
"Holy Crap!" both Winchesters cried at once.
"Stay down, Sammy!" Dean whispered in warning.
Dean spun around and looked out through the mail slot. He saw a pair of leather clad legs come slowly through the gate, pausing to curiously nudge at the fallen Mr. T Doll with a booted foot. His whole being began to quake with rage as well as fear. He'd expected Gordon to ditch his prison orange jump suit once he made it back in time. But leather pants? Was the son of a bitch really cocky enough to actually dress the part of The Terminator?
He smiled thinking of what he and Sam had in store for their nemesis.
"Where's your crown King Nothing?" he sang out softly imagining the diaper landing right on top of Gordon's head.
"D…Dean…" Sam whimpered over the walkie-talkie.
squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak…
"Get into position, Sam!" Dean ordered in a hushed voice as he watched the leather legs approaching the "X", "He's close… so close no matter how far… couldn't be much more from the heart…forever trusting who we are… and nothing else matters…"
"No ballads, Dean!" Sam whispered, as he toddled forward, "You know I'm susceptible to lullabies right now!"
Heart racing, Sam made his way towards the Catapult. He fell twice, landing hard against the Pooh Bear, the construction hat sliding down to his chin. But at last he was able to feel his way to the Catapult, his little hands trembling on the fake Ewok tree branch release as he awaited Dean's signal.
Downstairs, Dean watched unblinking, waiting for the moment when the booted feet approaching the door would hit their mark. Time slowed to a crawl. His little thumbs hovered nervously over the remote control switches as sweat trickled down his tiny temples. He licked at his lips, unable to control the words that spilled softly out of them…
"Die die die my darling… don't utter a single word…"
Oh, good Lord! Dean cringed at himself. He'd flipped over into Misfits covers! Before he could ponder if that was a sign his compulsion was getting worse or better Gordon's big evil booted feet stepped squarely onto the pink chalk "X".
"Now, Sam!" Dean cried, "Now is the death of doers wrong… swing the judgment hammer down!"
Sam could only guess that meant it was launch time. He pulled with all his might on the release lever sending the soiled Pampers sailing through the open window. In the same moment, Dean revved up the remote control General Lee and the miniature '69 Dodge Charger roared forward blaring out "Dixie" as it flew through the doggie door.
"YEE HAH!" Dean shouted in triumph.
"What the!" a startled voice cried from outside.
Sam quickly toddled back to the window trying to follow the diaper's trajectory. The construction helmet fell back over his eyes before he could see where it landed but the high pitched and horrified shriek that came at once from below told him of the direct hit!
Dean watched with eager eyes as the leather legs and booted feet began a crazy stumbling dance across the cement sidewalk while the tiny orange Confederate Flag topped vehicle chased and nipped at the assailant's heels. He expertly guided the remote control car as if he was behind the wheel of his own beloved Impala, waiting for the moment when the giant man would come crashing to the ground or at least drop his gun. Dean saw the Pampers come plunging down from the man's head and knew at least part of the plan had worked.
"Sam!" he called up the stairs, "Hit him with the arrows! Go for the eyes!"
Sam fumbled for the cheap plastic bow, the construction helmet now completely obstructing his view. He shot out blindly and was impressed to hear a series of yelps and yowls letting him know he was making at least some solid hits.
But then as Dean looked on in horror, the big booted feet finally landed solidly on the sidewalk and kicked his precious car off into the grass. Swallowing hard he watched as the feet marched purposely towards the house, flinging the screen door open in a rage. Sheer panic nearly froze him in place.
"Now the world is gone… I'm just one… oh God help me!" he sang in a trembling voice.
Instinctively he scooted away until his butt bumped against something solid on the floor. He looked down and saw his back up plan… the Mr. Potato Head already positioned in a plastic football tee. Winchester determination flooded Dean's veins and he quickly scrambled to his feet. Fearlessly flinging open the front door, he rushed back behind the Potato Head, not even wasting a moment to look up as the man stepped into the house. With nerves of steel, Dean suddenly switched from singing Metallica to quoting Al Pachino.
"Say hello to my little friend!" he hollered, kicking the Mr. Potato Head right at the crazy killer's cranium.
The toy spud hit the man right on his acne covered forehead, bouncing off his white spiky hair before tumbling back towards a flabbergasted Dean. The young man's eyes rolled to their whites and then his teenage body crashed backwards through the open door.
"Sonofabitch…" Dean uttered surveying the fallen form of his victim.
Upstairs Sam dropped his bow and arrow and pulled off the construction helmet to finally get a clear view outside. His little eyes bulged out when he caught sight of the spiky haired leather clad youth laying unconscious below. The completely unfamiliar and definitely non-Gordon spiky haired leather clad youth. Chewing on his lip he raised the walkie-talkie to his mouth to ask:
"Dean… did we just kill Billy Idol?"
To be continued…
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before you eagerly go shopping on eBay for the great 80's toys mentioned above, I must note that I'm not sure that all if any of them actually exist. For the purposes of the story, I created several toys that could have conceivably existed at the time. But I can't guarantee that they did. I'm about 99.9% certain that there was in fact a remote control General Lee (come on! There had to have been!) but I don't know that it would have actually played "Dixie" as it zipped around. And if there wasn't a Talking Mr. T Doll there darn well should have been one! Mr. Potato Head, of course, is definitely real.
The lyrics that compulsively flew out of Dean's mouth were all performed by Metallica and most written by the mighty James Hetfield (though Lars Ulrich and Kirk Hammett may have lent a hand on some) With the exception of "Die, Die My Darling" which was written by the incredibly hulky Glenn Danzig and performed by The Misfits (but was covered by Metallica)
As always, reviews are deeply appreciated. I'm having so much fun hearing what you all think of this crazy tale. I love that it's bringing up memories for some and that everyone is so charmed by the time traveling antics of the Mini Winchesters. You guys just rock my world!
P.S. Did the wee!Chesters just kill Billy Idol?... Stay tuned…