A/N: I had been working on one specifically to be the 13th in this series, but I haven't gotten it just right. Here's one in the spirit of the season. Seven doesn't do things half-assed.
The Bartender
"You come near me with that thing and I will hurt you Tom."
"Come on Lanna, it doesn't bite."
"I'm warning you."
"You can't possibly be that afraid of it."
"Afraid? No, trying not to vomit at what you're intending? Yes."
"Are you saying we didn't have something together?"
"One night. I was drunk, you happened to be in the right place at the right time- for you. I don't even really remember it to be honest."
"You can't mean that-"
"Can and do. Now scram Helmrat, I'm busy if you haven't noticed."
"But it's a Christmas party Lanna, you can't just be the bartender, we can have a hologram do that you gotta dance or something. There are traditions that need to be upheld."
"Not that one and certainly not with you now go rescue Harry from the Captain, she seems to have the biggest one in the room that she is putting to good use."
*sigh* "Fine…"
…
"Lieutenant Torres… may I ask a question?"
"Sure Seven, what'll it be? Virgin of course, I know."
"I- that is personal information Lieutenant-"
"Kahless Seven! I'm talking about a 'virgin' drink, it means no synthahol. You- I… gods… 'how does your foot taste Torres?' 'Oh, you know, the usual…'"
"I… don't believe eating one's foot is conducive to a healthy diet, Lieutenant."
"It's not. Certainly not in my case. Please Seven, we're at a Christmas party, call me B'Elanna?"
"Very well, B'Elanna."
"You look stunning by the way… not that you don't always look stunning…"
"I… thank you… Shirley Temple."
"Huh?"
"You asked if I wanted a drink earlier, correct? I have always wanted to try a Shirley Temple."
*chuckle* "Of course you do, one Shirley Temple coming right up. There you go. Don't go drinking it too fast now."
"I do not believe I will have any trouble."
"Well, there's a lot of sugar in there and that can make a person do silly things."
"Is that why the Captain is carrying some sort of large parasitic plant? Does it have some kind of narcotic or mind-controlling properties? She places it above a person's head and they seem compelled to kiss her. I have also noticed Mr. Paris carrying one as well. He has approached me several times with it already attempting to place it on my head. My threat to assimilate him if he came near me again- period- seems to have worked. I have also simply been avoiding the Captain seeing as her plant seems to hold more power than Mr. Paris'."
"Ha! You should have done that a while ago! Hey, I'd even be up for assimilation if it gave me the power to keep the Helmrat at bay. As for the Captain- she's just drunk. She had me line up five shots of 'Sex on the Beach' about an hour ago and she hasn't looked back."
"Is there… I suspect that asking about the Captain having 'Sex on the beach' would lead to yet another explanation of a colloquialism I have not learned."
"Shots of synthahol have always had crazy names: Purple Haze, Sex on the Beach, B-52… Liquid Boobs was one made up by some Maquis buddies of mine back in the day."
"I see. I shall have to learn the names of these 'shots' so that I do not make a fool of myself."
"Don't worry about it Seven, you're doing great. Avoiding the Captain and Paris are sure signs of an intelligent mind." *wink*
"It seemed the prudent course of action. Can you tell me about this plant they are using? I wish to devise a better defence against its power as I have no desire to kiss the Captain, Mr. Paris, Chakotay or Harry who has been standing beneath the plant by the entrance all evening attempting to get Crewman Celes to kiss him."
"You just have to say 'no' Seven. It's called Mistletoe and it is an old tradition where you had to kiss someone beneath it. Now people just use it as a 'no-strings attached' way of kissing someone without having to admit to an attraction or complicate things. Of course it is still a good way to let someone know you're interested. Some traditions say the larger the mistletoe, the longer the kiss."
"Indeed… I will be back in a moment."
"Uhh… no problem, I'm not going anywhere."
"That is complimentary to my purpose then."
…
"Well that was odd- what the? Did you bring in a whole tree?"
"This was the largest tree outfitted with this 'mistletoe' plant you mentioned that I could find."
"What are you…? If that falls on me I'll be very unhappy."
"Am I required to hold this over us as we kiss, or have I made my intentions clear?"
"Oh they're definitely clear and no, you can put that down. Preferably between us and the mob. Now get back here."
"So you are willing to kiss me?"
"What does my shirt say?
"Han Shot First"
"Wha- oh, wrong shirt. Never mind, I've done enough bartending for one night, the rest is yours if you want it."
"I do."
"Then let's share this tradition and later we can start one of our own…"
"Acceptable."
~FIN~