Dan's Awakening

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Twelfth—"Love is Blind, Deaf, and Dumb", or "Project Median Unveiled"

As soon as Chrom opened his tent door to begin his day, he was greeted by Cordelia, crouching next to it. He would have been startled if she hadn't been doing this ever since she joined the Shepherds. Now he was starting to get used to it. "Good morning, Chrom," she said. "You took 10,909 breaths while asleep last night."

"I see. Thanks again for staying up to count. How does that compare with my average?"

"You were about 316 over, but you also slept 16 minutes, 23 seconds longer than normal."

"Very good. Be sure to share your findings with Miriel."

"Of course." Chrom strode off, a little more confidently; Cordelia congratulated herself. This is a good start. We have a rapport going! Now...if I can just talk to him normally about something other than empirical sleep-pattern data… As she continued thinking in this vein, she quickly fell asleep on the ground.

That Cordelia certainly lives up to her reputation, Chrom thought. Ever since she joined us, she's been selflessly sacrificing her sleep to keep track of mine. Such respect for her commander! Such fierce dedication! I'll have to have Dan officially commend her for her tireless service.

Dan knelt along the dusty river just after sunrise, straining the trickle of refreshingly cool water through a spare cloth and into a jug. With each day they traveled, the country became flatter, drier, and less hospitable. Yet he felt a growing sense of peace that came with the knowledge of being where he was supposed to be. Where he was destined to be. He'd learned his lesson about messing with the order of things. The jug filled, he hauled it back onto the sandy riverbank. Glancing around to make sure no one was near, he reached into his robes, pulled out his player's guide, and studied the world map in the front. Another few days' travel to our next battle, in the Border Sands.. This time there definitely won't be any crazy gravity cavalry or ridiculous unit limits or upside-down octopuses or whatnot… Everything will go according to plan.

Chrom had certainly been confused at his order to march northwest from the border post where they'd won their last victory, instead of west to press their advantage into the heart of Plegia or east to safeguard Ylisse. "To the border sands? Are you serious?" he had asked incredulously after Dan told him his plans.

"It is the only way," Dan said resignedly.

"But...why? There's nothing of strategic value in the desert, no towns, no fortifications, no resources!"

"It's where our next battle will be fought."

"Well, of course it will be if we go there. But as long as Gangrel is already retreating, why not fight our next battle at the gates of Plegia Castle itself?"

"Because then he'll sic his purple-dragons-that-breathe-swarms-of-bees or his armies of astrologer-mime-assassins or his elite deathsquads of zombie-pirate-ninja-monkeys on us! We'll get to Plegia Castle eventually, but we have to do it in the right order. The border sands come next. We have no other choice."

"Oh...I see. Did you actually encounter these things in your future past?"

"All of them."

Yes, Dan thought, things were so much simpler when you stuck to the script. He frowned at another place where the guide seemed to think his name was "Robin". It was the one area where he couldn't make reality match what was in the book. What is with that? I can't expect it to know my name, but why does it assume this one instead of just calling me "you" or "the tactician" like my old one did? If I ever meet whoever wrote this thing, I'll be sure to ask them.

"Ah, good morning, Dan," the present-day Chrom said, walking up to him. "I'm feeling very...healthy today. How are you?"

"I'm content, mostly. With how the terrain is opening up, I hope we can make excellent time today." Dan wondered, a little jealously, how Chrom had gotten past the crazed pegasus knight lurking outside his tent. But he supposed he couldn't be too picky at this point about who to pair Chrom with… "Say, Chrom, any interesting meetings this morning? Of a...romantic sort, perhaps?"

"None, Dan. You know as well as I do that we haven't seen 'Marth' since that night at the Castle Ylisse."

"Oh, not this agai—"

"There you go yet again, trying to interfere with our destiny! She will be mine, I swear it!"

"Well, she is 'yours' in a way, since she's your—"

"Aha, I knew it; even you admit it! Tell me with your future wisdom, when will I see her again?"

"I'm not saying anything."

"Of course you aren't. All I have of her are memories." He closed his eyes to picture her better. "Her smile, bright and fleeting as a glimpse of sunlight on a cloudy day... Her hair, flowing like a sparkling mountain stream… Her footwork in battle, so precise and fluid it could be a ballroom dance… Her sword, quick as fire, striking each foe in turn like a snake…"

Phila turned on her heel and walked back the way she had come from the two, hoping neither had noticed her accidentally intruding on their conversation. My, I had no idea Maribelle was so skilled with the sword! She hides it well. I suppose such hidden depths are why he forgot me and fell for her…

"Her little finger, held just so around Falchion's hilt, almost like she was holding a teacup…" Chrom was continuing to rhapsodize. "Her eyes, so bright and determined, sparkling like a blue moon…"

"Yes, and if you look closer, you'll see one of them has—"

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"You said it," Dan said, crouching next to Denning in the undergrowth. "Now, we'll have to stick to the shadows and be as silent as mice to avoid their scouts. That Rebecca may burn everything she cooks, but her dasted vision is like a cat's, and the full moon is tomorrow. A blue moon, incidentally."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"Oh, come on. Any remotely serious astrologer knows the whole 'supermoon' thing is bunk. You can't see the difference at all."

"This is a message from Lord Nergal: 'I await you on the Dread Isle.'"

"'Three-wolf moon'? The idiotic stuff they come up with…"

Dan felt himself lying on sandy ground, being shaken. "Dan? Dan?" He opened his eyes to see Chrom kneeling over him. "Thank the gods, you're awake. You have really got to stop doing that."

With Chrom's assistance, Dan climbed back to his feet. "Sorry to worry you. I would if I could, believe me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a perfectly ordinary rest-of-the-morning."

He soon arrived at the mess tent. "Frederick! Ride into yonder village and...oh, right. Stahl? Stahl…" Strange, he'd expected to find the perpetually-hungry cavalier around, at least.

"Huh, did someone holler?"

"Good morning Donny." I've already had enough weird stuff for the day. Think normal...mundane...boring. "Uh, are you on mess tent duty this morning?"

"Sure am!" Donny said proudly. "Thought ah'd cook up some rice this morning." He pulled the pot off his head, put it onto the campfire, and grabbed a skin to pour water into it. "Hope yer hungry!"

Dan tried not to stare at this sight. "Sure...I'm ravenous," He made a mental note to avoid the rice, and started tallying how many of Donny's breakfasts he'd eaten. "And...wait, who's that over there?"

Vaike straightened up from rummaging through a supply chest. "Yo, tactician Dan! Since I didn't have anything else goin' on, I thought I'd impart some of my master chef skills to Donny here!"

"Nope, no stealing experience! Go back to nothing duty!" As delicious as his flaming steak, flaming mushrooms, flaming butter, and flaming ale were… Where is Frederick with that Hero Crest already?

"Aw…" Vaike slumped out of the tent. "So bored…"

Dan turned back to Donny. "Er...how are our provisions doing?"

"Pretty good, considerin'. We've got plenty of water, with how many people you put on that detail and all. So many biscuits ah wonder if we'll make it through 'em all before they start to turn… Oh, but next chance we get, we gots to send someone to go buy some milk and eggs in town. Wherever that is."

Dan stood in front of the ancient temple they were using as a forward base, relaying Nergal's orders to the morphs. "All of you there, grab weapons. You're on patrol duty for today. You two, explore the far northwestern temple, see if it has anything useful. You, fetch Lord Nergal some quintessence for his midmorning snack. You four, report to Limstella. And you…" Dan recognized this morph, unusually lanky and literally inhumanly good at swimming, and pulled out a shopping list written in Nergal's hand, stuffed in an enchanted bag. His abilities came in handy for keeping them provisioned out here on the Dread Isle. "Go buy some milk and eggs in town."

"Dan! Dan!? Ah promise, we'll have more eggs and milk soon! And we still got plenty to eat until then! It'll be fine! Don't give up on me!" Seeing that Dan was awake, Donny easily lifted him back to his feet. "Ah, that's better. Shucks, Dan, you had me real worried there."

"I'm...fine," Dan said. "I was just...napping for a minute. Excuse me." He turned and left the mess tent, feeling annoyed. "Go buy some eggs and milk in town"? Seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

Next he ran into Miriel, who seemed to be carrying a potted version of the cacti that surrounded their camp. "Salutations, Dan. You seem to be in need of advice, but alas, I am indisposed with the classification of the multiplicity of desert flora through which we are traveling, some of which may be unknown to science!"

"Ah," Dan said distantly. "Have you been finding many new ones?"

"Yes."

"Is being Serra's property really that bad?" Dan asked. "Bad enough that you'd...I don't even want to repeat it."

"Yes," Eliwood said flatly. "A thousand thousand times, yes."

Dan was brought back to consciousness by a sharp, burning sensation on his eyeball. "Ahhh—wha!? Miriel, what were you doing!?"

"I offer my sincere apologies," Miriel said, backing off while holding a cactus needle. "I saw in your stuporous state a perfect opportunity to closely examine the intricacies of the human optical system. I did not anticipate that you would return to consciousness so promptly."

"Never do that again," Dan commanded, massaging his inflamed eyelid. "Except to Frederick."

"Or better yet, Project Median..." Miriel said to herself walking away. "Hmm, yes…"

"Project Median"? What is she up to? And, wait...was Eliwood enslaved to Serra or something?

"Hey Jeepers, what's up?"

"Oh, hey Gaius. Not much, just watching Lissa's changing of the guard ceremony… Wait, what did you call me!?"

"It's just what you say all the time. What's it mean, Jeepers?"

"It's what...I mean, don't call me that!"

"If you say so, Jeepers."

Ricken sighed deeply. "What do you want, Gaius?"

"So, I've heard tell that Pigtails there has quite the mobile candy stash..." He gestured vaguely towards Lissa, who was stiffly marching around a large sack with her staff leaning over her shoulder.

"You mean Lissa? Yeah, er...so have I."

"I want it."

"Oh, I bet. But if you think I'm gonna help you get it from her, by griminy, you're wrong!"

"Come ohhhn. If you help me, I'll split the candy fifty-fifty: I get half, and then I get the other half."

Ricken stared at him. "That's...not very enticing. And it makes no sense. And besides, this isn't even the real sta—" He cut himself off and clapped his hands over his mouth. "Sweet gollygosh, I shouldn't have said that!"

"See Jeepers, I knew you were on my side!" Gaius clapped him on the back amiably. "I won't waste any more time here; I'm off to find the mother lode. Thanks for the help!"

"Williard's whiskers, what have I done… I don't want to do anything to Lissa... What to do now… I've got to come clean!" He rose and walked straight to Lissa.

"Oh, Maxy? My next hair brushing isn't scheduled for another half hour, but if you're that eager..."

"No, not that… I've, er...come to offer my services as a double agent!"

"A double agent?"

"Yeah!"

"Don't you have to be a single agent first?"

"Yeah, I guess I kind of am, for Gaius."

Lissa's hair puffed out so quickly Ricken involuntarily jumped. "You're working for that candy thief!? That'll be the last mistake—"

"No, no, see, Gaius thinks I'm helping him steal your candy, but actually I'll be helping you protect it! I can give him false information, use my disguise to help guard it and stuff!"

Lissa smiled again; her hair deflated almost as quickly. "Oh, I see! That sounds great!"

"And in exchange...could you...please stop calling me 'Maxy'?"

"Hmm… I suppose, Ricken. It was getting a little old anyway. Though I can't make any promises for Maribelle…"

"Yippee, thanks! Oh, and, um… I did kind of...reveal that this isn't your real stash. To make him trust me!"

"Oh. Well, guarding this bag of horse feed was getting dull anyway. Let's go make a plan!"

"Think of your arm, your body, and the horse as one unit, all focused behind the lance point. Like this. Yaaah!" Sainzilla spurred her pony to a gallop and charged, lashing forward with her staff.

Sully watched and applauded politely. "Nice stuff, powderpuff! Now watch me!" She repeated Sainzilla's move, raising quite a bit more dust behind her.

"Not bad, not bad. You're getting stronger each time we train!"

"Only 'cause I have such a good teacher. For a healer, you know a hell of a lot about horseplay."

"Well, that, red-armored cavalier really knew his way around a lance, and we were pretty close."

"Really close, I bet," Sully said with a wink.

"O-Of course not!" Sainzilla sputtered. "Not like that!"

"Jeez, sorry I groundlessly speculated," Sully said. "Anyways, here I go again! Hah! Yaaaaaaah!" Sully thundered towards the quintain and sent it spinning rapidly with a loud crack, deftly dodging the bag of sand that swung her way. She slowed and turned back, raising a fist in celebration. "Yeah! That time was perfect!"

"That it was!" Sainzilla said. "The lance is such a heroic weapon, sure to make the...the men swoon over you!"

Sully stared at her blankly. "Any man who swoons can just keep on walkin'."

"Heh, right...different tastes, I suppose."

"Speaking of men who swoon, here comes Virion! Let's use what I've been practicing! Hah!" She spurred her mount and charged towards him.

"Heh heh hah hah!" Sainzilla guffawed, watching him flee in terror. "That'll teach him! That Sully is quite the knight… Not exactly my old type, but if Kent shows up here, I'm sure they'll hit it off." She looked up and saw the floating caption: Sully and Sain attained support level C. "Huh?"

"Hm-hm-hmm-hmmm-Chrom…" Cordelia hummed to herself, carrying a sloshing bucket of water. "Hm? What the…"

A ragged, panting Virion ran up to her, doubling over with exhaustion. "My...my fair one...I...augh...gasp…"

"Oh my, what's-your-name, what happened to you?"

"Running...for my life...from a beautiful angel of death… Pursued me...through the...whole camp… Hoped your...ravishing smile...would revive...my fainting spirit..."

"I'm not sure what's been going on, but I'll defend you if it comes to that."

Virion started to catch his breath and straighten up. "Ah...thank you, lovely one. Say, has anyone ever told you how your eyes shine like a swarm of fireflies on a steamy summer night?"

"No, I suppose not. Say, do you know where Chrom is at the moment?"

"No idea, my lovely, but what does it matter? You and I are both here, and two is the best number for—"

"I'm taking this water to Chrom," Cordelia said. "See you later!"

Virion stared after her as she went. "It's...like flirting with a wall. A wall that I will scale! For I am a fearless mountaineer scaling the breathtaking peaks of love and plumbing the bottomless abysses of heartbreak, and I shall rappel down the precipice of—yipe!" He brought his monologue to a screeching halt and dove behind a tent as he saw Sully approaching again.

"Stahl! Staaaahl!" Dan was trying to find the severely-underused cavalier to check his item loadout for the next battle. "Staaaahl! Where could he be…"

"Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum!" he heard Stahl's panicked voice say. "Is that you!?"

"Stahl!?" Dan said, instantly on edge. "Where are you!? I'll come for you!"

"This way, Most Esteemed Holy Archon and Benevolent Lord Protector of all Ylisse Dan, Order of the Purple Chrysanthemum! Follow my voice!"

"I'm coming! Almost there...here I—what the!?" Dan stopped and gaped at the sight of Stahl riding a unicycle, juggling a sword and two axes, his face haggard and bleary-eyed, gasping with exhaustion. "Stahl! What's happened to you?"

Miriel stepped in front of Stahl, somehow-shining glasses blazing. "On the contrary, my dear Dan, the real question you should be asking is: 'What's happened to fifty percent of our army?'!"

Cerk walked in front of her, his glasses shining equally brightly. He soon put them away, though, since he had no need for them besides the dramatic effect. "Allow me to elaborate, faithful assistant. You now stand before our crowning accomplishment of the last few months… Project MEDIAN!" He summoned a few thunderbolts around him to emphasize this last word.

Dan stared at him in confusion. "That doesn't make things any more elaborate, or clear."

"Then allow me to clarify the brilliant-but-obscure words of my esteemed associate here," Miriel said smoothly, stepping in front of him. "Through a battery of rigorous tests, we have determined that Stahl here occupies the exact median of every conceivable numerical metric. In any given field, fifty percent of the Shepherds are worse than him, and fifty percent are better."

"What's more," Cerk said, stepping in front of her, "we have determined that this effect works both ways. By improving our dear friend Stahl's proficiency at a skill, we ensure that fifty percent of the Shepherds will improve at least as much, so as to keep him at the median! By training Stahl, we train an army!"

Miriel stepped in front of Cerk yet again and continued. "Perhaps you have noticed strange improvements among half of the Shepherds in a variety of areas: literacy, whistling, one-handed clapping, balance, handwriting, singing voice, hair luster...all of these changes and more are due to our tireless efforts with Project Median."

Dan took a step back from the mages, who by now were uncomfortably close to him. "So, let me get this straight...you determined that half of the Shepherds are always better than Stahl at anything, and then to exploit this, you've been teaching him parlor tricks and circus acts!?"

"Precisely!" said Miriel and Cerk together, practically glowing with pride.

"You idiots! You cretins! I should put you both on scrubbing duty for a month!"

"Yes! Thank you. kind Dan!" Stahl said tearfully. "Please free me from the living hell my life has become!"

"No more frivolous skills," Dan continued, ignoring his pleas. "From now on, focus on building his basic stats: strength and speed especially, maybe also skill and magic power."

"Wh-whaaaat!?" Cerk, Miriel, and Stahl sputtered.

"But...I was going to teach him—and therefore half the Shepherds—to be a perfect research assistant…" Miriel said.

"And I was going to teach him to sing and dance every part of Hammersmith's Twelve Romantic Knights!" Cerk protested. He noticed Miriel glaring at him. "Oh, didn't I tell you about that? It would be delightful. When we're done saving Ylisse, we could become a traveling performance troupe!"

"No! Basic stats only!" Dan said, turning to walk away. "You know, for smart people, you're not really very smart."

"No, Dan! Come back!" Stahl pleaded. "Please put an end to this torment!"

"Quiet, or we'll hand you off to Frederick when he gets back," Miriel said.

"Aaaah! I'll be good."

"Eliwood, weird question," Dan said, approaching the onetime lord.

"What is it, Dan?"

"This may sound strange, but were you ever...enslaved to Serra?"

Eliwood raised an eyebrow at him. "...yes. Who told you that?"

"No one...I guess this means some parts of my visions really are true."

Eliwood started back from him. "You...you saw that!? Elimine!.I have to go!"

Dan stared at him as he ran away. "I guess that was a really painful time of his life. I can only imagine…"

Lon'qu's clothes, now dyed all black, burned like fire in the desert heat, but his heart remained a withered ball of ice. He sat motionless on top of a mesa, looking down at the happy couple walk by below. Look at them, so happy… The perfect girl, on the arm of that wisecracking usurper… Alone together in a private heaven... He numbly watched Cerk tell her a joke and savored her uproarious laughter, even if it wasn't toward him. How he ached for the days when he was the one making her smile and laugh… What do they talk about? Is there anything left to say in the midst of such bliss?

"My next idea: you will lead Dan to believe you're carrying his child, so if he snaps again he'll at least spare you, and possibly others at your request."

"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Heh-ha-ha-ha! Heh...are you actually serious?"

"Don't worry, you can just use cushions."

Does she understand even half of the pain she has caused me? He thought. A quarter? An eighth? A tenth? A twentieth? A hundredth? A—

His divided thoughts were interrupted by the swoosh of wings and a rush of air. "There you are!" Fiora exclaimed, climbing down from her pegasus. "Dinner is being served and we couldn't find you...is something wrong?"

Lon'qu curled up defensively as she approached. "Away, woman! Please, don't come any closer. It...makes me uncomfortable."

"Hm, you remind me of my little sister," she said. She turned and reached into a saddle bag. "Would...this help?" When she turned back, she was sporting an elaborate dark mustache that drooped down past her chin.

He couldn't help but smirk at how absurd she looked. "It does, somewhat. ...wait, why did you have that?"

"It's so Dan will...not important now. So, what's the matter?"

"It's… No. You wouldn't understand."

"Please, let me at least try. I mean, this is the first time I've even spoken to you since I joined the company, you've been so reclusive! What's eating at you?"

"It's...Sainzilla. She is...my true love. I know it. I feel it! She isn't like any other girl I've met."

"She sure isn't," Fiora said, trying to keep her voice even.

"Exactly! Around her I'm not tense or scared, I'm...happy. I feel a peace I normally only find in the arena. But where once we spoke often and spent many happy hours together, now she spurns me in favor of Cerk!" He enunciated the name like an expletive. "It's enough to...are you laughing!?"

Fiora managed to catch her breath. "Well, yes! Has—"

"I knew you wouldn't understand! Just leave me to suffer!" He sprang to his feet and ran straight down the mesa wall, out of sight.

Fiora watched him flee, dumbfounded. "What a fool… He's certainly in for a rude awakening." She reached up to feel her mustache as it blew in the wind. "Strange… But I could almost get used to it."

That night was a dark night. A night perfect for sneaking, for subterfuge, for candy-stash raiding.

"Okay, it's gotta be close…" Gaius said quietly to himself. "Jeepers said it'll be marked 'pottery'...just gotta check for the false bottom." He prowled around the stacks of crates, quietly knocking on the base of each. "Come on...come on…" He rapped on one that sounded distinctly candy-like (somehow). "Sweet! So close...just—"

"Unhand that innocent crate!" a deep voice said. Gaius whipped around and saw a huge figure—like seven feet tall!—approaching him rapidly.

"Hey, what the-!?"

"The only thing you'll be tasting tonight is justice, thief! Elwind!" A violent gust flung Gaius away from the crates; he landed on his feet and leapt into the shadows to hide from the enormous mage.

"Who the heck are you!?"

The massive magic-user held out his arm dashingly and made his cloak billow behind him. "I am Maxavier Aurelius! An archmage of the first order! Keeper of the sacred words! Lissa's candy-guard, defender of all things sweet and lovely!"

"Gwaah, where did Lissa find you!? A candy store would be easier than this heist!" The red-haired thief turned, sprinted off into the darkness and disappeared.

"Heh-heh-heh," 'Maxavier Aurelius' chuckled to himself as he holstered his tome. "Let's see him try and steal from this stash again! Jeepers, Lissa's going to be happy with me! ...jeepers, I really do say it a lot. ...jeepin' jeepers! Ahh!"

"...after Geraldus returned to Teshar, he was greeted with universal acclaim. The dragon's skull was enshrined in a statue that stands on the city walls to this day. High King Osuchu gave him the hand of his eldest daughter, Princess Ooeuiea, in marriage and crowned him with the legendary Crest of Chadosia upon his brow." The docent gestured at the crest sitting before them in a transparent case.

"I see…" Frederick said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "And would you say this Geraldus could be considered...a hero?"

"Oh, absolutely. With the threat of the dread sorcerer Biqanix ended, Teshar entered a new golden age. The Council of Nine—"

"Very well. Give me the crest," Frederick interrupted.

"I'm...sorry?"

"I'm requisitioning this hero crest in the name of the Exalt."

"I'm afraid it is not anyone's to take, sir, on the Exalt's behalf or otherwise. It is a priceless historical artifact."

"I'm afraid I must insist. My liege direly requires it."

"Well, you cannot have it. Good day."

Frederick draw his short sword. "Then I have no choice but to take it by force!"

"What!? Guards! He's gone mad!"

Will Dan manage to escape Gangrel's zombie-pirate-ninja-monkey hordes? Will Frederick face justice for his crimes against history? Will Chrom, Lon'qu, or Cordelia ever realize the truth about their respective objects of affection? When will Gaius' crippling sugar addiction finally catch up with him? Did the Shepherds actually travel anywhere today, or just hang out around the camp? Find out the answers to all, some, or probably none of these questions next time!

Ricken: Chrom, there's a guy in weird robes hand signing astrological symbols at me! Threateningly!

Chrom: He's probably just excited about the Catastrophe Moon tonight. I know I am. Say, Miriel, have you made any charts of the sleep data Cordelia has been gathering?

Miriel: I beg your pardon, commander?

Cordelia: Zzz… Zzz… Zzz...

Cerk: Fiora, do you have that… Ah, you're wearing it already! Just as I thought, you'll make an excellent bearded lady!

Fiora: That's what it was for!?

Cerk: Of course; what else would you use a false mustache for?

Fiora: Something actually clever!

Stahl: Pant… Pant… Someone… Help…

Miriel: You can run, Stahl, but you cannot truly escape! Even your attempts to flee improve half of the Shepherds' athletic abilities!

Stahl: Nooooooo!

Gaius: Jeepers, we got a problem! A big one! Literally!

Ricken: Jeepers, whatever could it be?

Gaius: This enormous mage guy guarding the stash! He was, like, eight taffy ropes tall!

Ricken: Gulpin' gourds, you don't say? Was he devastatingly handsome, mature, and heroic-looking?

Gaius: Kinda, I guess.

Ricken: Only 'kinda'!? Were you even paying attention? How old did he look?

Gaius: Uh… I'm gonna go ask someone else.