I just want you guys to know that I have been absolutely shocked/flabergasted/amazed with the amount of reviews I've been getting for this story. Like seriously - it's blown my mind. As a result I have spent all my time and aswering them and writing chapters instead of doing my uni work. So if I fail my degree I blame all of you! Haha
Also this is the penultimate chapter guys. I was at a bit of a crossroads on whether to lengthen this story but I've had the ending planned for a while so I think I'm gonna stick with that. I am however planning to write several connecting oneshots in the near future.
Ok this author note is getting long and you're all dying to know the end of the cliffhanger :D Enjoy!
Liz xxx
Chapter 13 - Here Goes Nothing...
I felt sick walking up to Blaine's apartment. Funny how somewhere so familiar could suddenly feel so alien. The lift made me heave and the steps to his door were like walking through mud. When I knocked on the door I knew I looked a state but I just wanted to see him. To get it over with.
"Kurt!" Blaine exclaimed when he opened the door. He seemed pretty pleased to see me and also quite smug. "Did you get bored of your date already?" I'd barely been invited into the room when a hand was down my pants, stroking at my cock. "Mmmmn." Blaine sighed with pleasure, moving his mouth to suck on my collarbone but I stopped him.
"No. Just stop." My friend's head jerked up, confused.
"What?"
"Why do we always have to have sex the minute we get through the door?"
"Don't you want to have sex?"
"Yes, of course I do-"
"-Then let's get to it." I batted him away again.
"Can't we just…talk first?" Now he stopped completely. Blaine's hand slipped slowly out of my pants and was wiped across his jeans as he stepped backwards.
"Kurt. That's not how it works. When you come here it's either to be friends or to have sex. You can't have both."
"Why not?" I stepped forward, making Blaine flinch and I knew I was already treading on shaky ground. We'd barely ever disagreed before, had never really needed to. Sex was sex. There was nothing bad about that. "Why does it always have to be separate?"
"Because that's how a friends with benefits relationship works! We've gone through this!"
"What if I'm not ok with that anymore?" I could see the alarm bells ringing inside my friend's head. He was trying to find an escape. He looked around the room, almost as if that would provide an answer, before replying.
"Are you out?"
"No! I'm not out. I am so far away from out. I am in. Completely IN."
And that was it. The final piece of the puzzle fit, the clocked reached twelve. The penny dropped.
"No…" Far from the reaction I'd been hoping for, Blaine looked horrified. He raised his hands to his head, rather like Zachary had done half an hour earlier, and stepped further backwards. "No, this is not happening."
"How can you say that?" I replied, anger and hurt beginning to build inside of me. "How can you act like this is a bad thing?"
"BECAUSE IT IS! I had this amazing, perfect thing with you, and now you've just gone and screwed it all up!"
"How have I screwed it up?"
"You've added feelings!" Oh no. He hadn't just said that.
"Well I'm so sorry for caring but I just couldn't hold it in any more - I couldn't lie to myself any longer."
"Kurt don't-"
"-I FREAKIN LOVE YOU!" The words echoed through the apartment, reverberating across the cheap walls and returning back to me. "There you go! I said it! I'm in love with you!"
"No, you're not." Now Blaine had turned away from me, almost as if this was painful, almost as if he couldn't hear himself being referred to in this manner.
"Yes I am!"
"Shit." Resting his hands against the wall my friend hung his head, still not looking back. "Can't you just…turn it off?"
"WHAT?" I almost laughed. "You think this is just like a switch! Something I chose? I just turned away literally the most perfect man on the face of the planet, because throughout our entire date all I could think about was YOU! I have lain awake for NIGHTS on end trying to get rid of these thoughts, trying to get a grip and get along with this twisted thing we have. But I can't! I can't turn off how I feel!"
"Kurt..."
"Do you remember what happened on Saturday? When I took you home?" Now I had his attention. "You kissed me. You said you didn't want sex - you just wanted me. You wanted me." My friend looked surprised, he really must not have remembered any of it. Either that or he was shocked at his own realisations.
"You feel the same way about me Blaine, I know you do."
"No I don't"
"Yes you do! When are you going to grow up and believe me?"
"I AM GROWN UP!" Suddenly he spun back round, taking me by surprise as I'd begun to advance upon him. "YOU'RE the one that's childish with your stupid little happy endings! I'VE realised that's never going to happen!"
"No you haven't! You've just told yourself it's not going to happen! You've resigned yourself to a life of loneliness!"
"I'm not lonely! I can fuck as many people as I want!"
"But is that what you want?"
"YES!"
"How many people have you fucked since you've met me?" Blaine immediately went to respond but I cut him off. "Apart from me?" He paused. The realisation spread across his face but he didn't want to say it.
"None." I replied for him. "You haven't fucked anyone. Or if you did you didn't tell me. Not one." My friend was silent, the emptiness taking over the room. "And I haven't fucked anyone either. What do you think about that?"
"That doesn't mean anything…" My friend was struggling – I sensed a breakthrough but also knew he was fighting me, hard.
"Yes it does! It means we don't feel this way about anyone else. It means that we want to spend time together-"
"-I don't know about you but I can keep my emotions and my imagination separate from each other."
"Well that's the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard. Why won't you just admit it Blaine? What are you scared of?"
"I'm not scared of anything!"
"YES YOU ARE! Oh my God you are!" The anger was bubbling up inside me again. It was so infuriating. I could see it. It just wasn't happening.
"Don't tell me what I should be thinking." Blaine responded again, still guarded and still making me livid.
"I'm not doing that! I'm saying what you haven't got the guts to say! That you love me!"
"NO I DON'T! I won't ever love you! You're just creating it in your mind because you're so pathetic you can't bear the thought of not being in a relationship!"
"And you're fighting against it because everything you've ever loved has pushed you away and you don't want the same thing to happen again! I AM NOT YOUR PARENTS!"
As soon as I'd spoken the words I knew I'd gone too far. Blaine stopped dead. The retort he'd been about to say died on his tongue and his whole body went rigid. What I'd said was true, but it was too much.
"How dare you." Immediately I began trying to backtrack.
"Blaine, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"
"HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU EVEN COMPARE YOURSELF TO MY PARENTS! HOW DARE YOU EVEN BRING THEM UP!" My friend was shaking with rage, his face burning red. "I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!"
"I know, and I'm so sorry. But you need to hear it Blaine – you need to know that it's ok to let your guard down, to be hurt every once in a while. It's ok to let someone take care of you."
"I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME! LEAST OF ALL YOU!" A mug went flying across the room and for a second I was taken back to mine and Alejandro's final fight in my apartment. The fight that had started all of this. Ceramic smashed against the wall and the pieces went flying everywhere.
"Blaine! Please! Just let me in! I love you!"
"GET OUT! YOU'VE POISONED MY MIND! GET! OUT!" The words shot through me like bullets. I tried to move forward to my friend again but he screamed out, forcing me away. A makeshift table was kicked over, crashing into a box of beer so the bottles all smashed loudly and the noise reverberated through me. Holy shit.
"GET OUT!" As if I hadn't got the message the first time, my friend screamed out again and this time I didn't try and fight. I was done with fighting. Running towards the door, I wrenched it open and slammed it behind me. Then I ran all the way home, not stopping for breath, not stopping to cry or even think about what had just happened. I reached my flat and collapsed against the door, exhausted and drained.
It was over.