Summary: Rey has made a decision. She is done with waiting. It is time to take action to find what she seeks. Ben has made a decision. He is done with expectations. It's time to see who he can be on his own. Their only way forward is together. And that can only happen with trust. But can they learn to trust the one person who can destroy them if it all fails?
:Chapter Thirteen - Please Don't Go That Way:
Rey sat at the top of the Saddle as the suns traveled in their paths across the sky. Trying to make sense of the thoughts spinning around her head. She had been waiting for all of her life. Waiting for her parents. Waiting for someone to show her her place. Waiting for something, anything to happen. She needed to stop waiting. Waiting wasn't going to make anything happen. It wasn't going to make anything clearer, or give her the answers she needed. Only action was going to provide that.
Standing, she hurried down the steps, to the level of the Jedi huts. Smoke wafted up from the chimney of her hut. The Caretakers must have lit a fire in the hearth to warm it against the damp chill. They were bustling around the huts, fixing anything that had fallen into disrepair or simply needed updating. She then noticed smoke coming from another hut. It was the furthest from hers, yet the doors faced each other. Walking towards it, she could feel him beyond the stones. Taking a deep breath, she strode to the hut and entered without knocking.
He was startled by her entrance, spinning and standing from his seated position before the fire. He was bare chested, his cloak and robes scattered on the stone slab. Her first thought was to avert her eyes, but she didn't, keeping them trained on his face.
"Get out," he ordered her.
She ignored him. "You ran from me."
"Get out," his voice became more desperate.
"You ran from me," she stated slower, harder.
"I do not run," he ground out.
"You. Ran. From. Me." she yelled at him.
"I. Do. Not. Run!" his voice rose.
Her breath came out in short bursts through her nose. Taking a deep breath, she tried to settle herself.
"Then why did you leave?" she accused him.
"I-" he started, but couldn't continue.
"You? You ran. Admit it. You ran because you are afraid."
"I am not afraid!" he took a step towards her.
"Then what is it? Why can't you be honest with me for once?"
"For once? For once! I have been honest with you from the moment we met. You are the only person in the galaxy that I have never lied to," he roared at her, advancing on her.
She refused to be cowed by his tantrum. This was what she needed. So she tilted her head up and looked him directly in the eyes.
"Then if you're not lying to me, stop lying to yourself," she said softly.
He moved to speak, but could not. She had caught him. Had pushed him into a corner and now he was trapped by his own actions. She was not incorrect. She could see into his soul no matter how far he pulled away from her.
"I can't," he whispered.
She was struck silent. She had not expected him to admit she was right. Had not expected to feel so empty when he did.
"Why?"
She watched as his fists tightened, his jaw clenched, and his gaze was trained on the floor at her feet.
"Because then none of it means anything. Because if I am honest with myself, my whole existence was meaningless. It was worthless. And I am worthless. Everything I have done, everything I have worked towards is nothing."
She wanted to argue with him, wanted to tell him he was wrong, but she remained silent. This was his journey. He had to accept his role in everything that had come before, and what would now come after. She had her own path to follow. And although they were intertwined, they were not the same.
He finally looked up at her, his anguish written on his face. She desperately wanted to take it all back. To soothe his troubled soul, and heal his broken heart. But she knew, innately, that if he could not begin healing himself, that nothing she did would ever be enough.
He gave a choked laugh. "And you called me cruel."
He hadn't meant it as such, but the arrow hit it's mark. She could have physically bowed from the blow, but she would not let him see her hurt.
"I guess, sometimes, the truth hurts," she offered softly.
"What's next? You turn me to the light?" he half heartedly mocked.
"It is always absolutes with you. Good and bad. Jedi and Sith. Resistance and First Order. Light and dark. It was the same with Luke, and all of the Jedi that came before him."
"So what, then? I become a Grey Jedi?" Now he was mocking her.
She frowned at him, stepping forward, bringing her within inches of him. "Have you really lived your life trying to be what everyone else wanted of you? Listening to what everyone else expected you to be?"
He looked at her, not having to say anything. His eyes told her the truth.
She held out her hand to him, as she had only once before. "I don't want you to be anything more than what you are. I simply want you to accept everything that you are. Both darkness and light."
"Like you have accepted who you are?"
She paused before she spoke. "I am no one, and I am everyone. I am light and I am darkness. I know who I am. Those are not the answers I seek."
"Then what do you want? What questions do you have?"
"I want to know how to balance what is inside of me. How to marry the light and the dark without losing either half of myself in the process. Those are the answers I need. That is why I need you to teach me."
He scoffed, "I can't even do that for myself. What makes you think I can do it for you?"
"A friend once told me, 'Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it, you'll never make it through the night'."
"Those are only pretty words. They mean nothing when the night is long, and the darkness dances with your demons," came his soft reply.
"You asked me once to join you. To rule beside you. I could not walk that path and I… I, betrayed you. But here is my offer. I will stand with you in the darkness, if you will walk with me in the light."
He was hesitant. His experience with trust almost nonexistent. But she was patient and stubborn, and she would wait for him.
"Let me help you, Ben. Let me in. I can't do this without you. Help me find another way."
He stretched out his hand to her, but did not complete the gesture. "How are you so sure there is another way?"
She gave a small shrug, and shook her head. "There is always another way. One just has to look hard enough to find it."
He finally laid his hand in hers, warm skin to warm skin. Electricity jumped between them, causing them both to pull in a breath. His hand jumped, squeezing hers slightly.
"And where do you propose we find this other way?" he asked softly.
"I have some ideas. If you put your robes back on, I have something to show you."
She tried to step away but he held her hand fast. She frowned at him.
"I- Before, I-" he was stumbling for the words.
"You kissed me," she supplied them.
He could feel his face heat, and looked away from her for a moment. "I- I apologize."
"For kissing me?" she asked.
He finally made eye contact. "Yes."
And for wanting to do it again.
Thinking of his lips on hers, heat shot to her core and she suddenly stepped back from him. She couldn't be so close to him. Her body was on fire and her thoughts seemed to drain from her head. How did he do this to her? And did she want to stop him?
She ducked her head trying to hide the blush that stained her cheeks. "Perhaps next time you should just ask."
He was stunned to silence. Had she just given him permission to kiss her again? Could he truly have just been handed something he wanted more than power and respect?
No, the darkness whispered, she will only deny you when you do ask. It is safer to simply take what you want. Better to protect yourself, than to face failure once again.
"I can take whatever I want," came his curt reply.
She was becoming used to this now. Whenever he felt out of sorts, or confused by her, he returned to the monster. Whenever she made him uncomfortable or pushed him from the familiar, he would hide behind the facade of Kylo Ren. Rey paid it no mind and returned fire.
"You cannot take what I am not willing to give. We've moved past this. Now, come or not, but I am going to find another way to end all of this."
Sufficiently chastised, he pulled on his robes and cowl and followed her from the hut he occupied to hers. She didn't invite him in, but left the rug that covered the doorway open. He ducked his head and stepped into the warmth of her home.
He had been here before, in a dream, holding her next to the fire while she slept on him. It came rushing back, the familiarity, the comfort. The feel of her gaze on him had him pulling back from the memory and glancing at her.
She stood before him, a pile of books in her hands, looking slightly guilty. As his gaze roved over the antiquated covers he suddenly realized what she held.
"The ancient Jedi texts," he breathed.
"I took them before I came to you on the Supremacy. I was afraid Luke would destroy them. I guess I was right to take them, after I saw what happened to the ancient tree he had kept them in."
She laid them down on a stone that stood as a sort-of table and stepped back for Ben to look a them. He moved closer, his hand raised to touch them, but he did not. She could see that he remembered them, from a time before and wanted to lay a hand on them, but was hesitant.
"I also found other texts, when I returned and when through his room. They look to be compiled from ancient texts he gathered during his travels. They are not Jedi. Some I believe are Sith. Many, I cannot read. I was hoping we-" She cut off her words.
He looked up at her and saw the trepidation in her eyes. She wanted to ask but was afraid to be denied this boon.
"You want my help in translating them," he finished for her.
"I think these might be the answers we are looking for. I think these book, together, can help us find another way." She tried to convince him.
He looked down at the books spread on the table again, and nodded. "I will walk with you in the light, if you stand with me in the dark," he said softly.
His voice, even as low as it was, scraped across her skin, making her shiver. She stepped closer to him, and slid her hand in his.
"Together," she whispered, tilting her face up to his.
He bent his, coming close to her. Their eyes held for a long time, before he spoke. "I want to kiss you again."
She was silent, staring up at him. Uneasy at the choice he had given her.
"Please," he whispered.
Her breath came faster at his words. Her lips parting ever so slightly, as she contemplated. And then she pushed up on her toes, and sealed her lips over his. His breath huffed out through his nose as his hands came up to cup her face. This time she was the aggressor, nibbling on his full lower lip and pulling it into her mouth to suckle. He grunted, and his hands gripped her shoulders firmly, opening his mouth over hers, and running his tongue along the inside of her lips. She challenged him, her tongue dancing with his, tasting his darkness while she shared her light. His was a heady flavor, dizzying her mind while pulling passion from her body. She wanted to drown in him, to lose herself in the midnight mist within him.
He didn't think she was going to say yes, but when she pushed up against him and sealed her lips over his, his mind spun. She was in control, and he had no desire to take it from her. When she sucked his lower lip into her mouth, a deep grunt was pulled from his throat. Gripping her shoulders, he tried to pull her closer, needing to feel the heat of her body through their clothes. He slanted his mouth over hers, dipping his tongue in to taste her again. This time was different. She was open to him, unafraid of what was happening, and he fell into her. She swirled with stardust and light, making him light headed, and needing to cling to her.
This time Rey was the first to break the kiss, stepping back from him and looking down embarrassed. Not wanting it to end and certainly not wanting her to be embarrassed by her passion, he hooked his finger beneath her chin and lifted her face. Holding her eyes with his, he lowered his face to hers, and brushed his lips chastely against hers.
"This is not wrong, Rey," he brushed the words across her cheek.
She jerked her head up at his words, looking alarmed. "No. Not wrong. Never wrong. Just…"
"Just?"
"Frightening." She rested her head against his cheek.
He nodded against her temple. "Yes."
She wanted to stay there, close enough to feel his heat, within the circle of his arms. It felt right somehow, like she had belonged there for a very long time. Like coming home. But she was still trying to figure out how this had happened.
"Do you think this, what we share, is because of Snoke?" she asked softly.
He pulled back from her, his brows drawn together in a frown. "This is us. Only us. Snoke is dead, and this bridge still exists. If it had been his doing, it would have been severed when I killed him."
"You are so sure." She frowned up at him.
His lips lifted ever so slightly. "I have thought about it a lot. I believe our connection was formed in the interrogation room. When I touched your face and entered your mind and you in turn entered mine."
"But Snoke said-"
"If he had anything to do with it, all he did was strengthen it faster than what normally would have happened. But this… now… this would have eventually happened. We are connected, Rey. Two halves of one whole."
She nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. She had thought about it too. For six months after shutting the door on him, on Crait, she wondered if it had all been Snoke's scheme to connect them so he could get to her. So he could have the two most powerful Force users in the galaxy to manipulate and control.
"Do you know of other Force users that have had a connection like this? Like ours?"
He was silently contemplative for a moment. "There are stories."
"Tell me?" she asked.
"No."
"What? Why?"
He pulled her closer into a hug, resting his lips against her forehead, before he released her. "Because that's how all this started. A story, about 'The Chosen One'. I'm done comparing myself to other people. I'm done trying to live up to someone else's expectations.
"You and I, we are like no one else."
Taking her hand he moved and sat before the fire, tucking her in next to him before he reached for one of the texts lying on the stone slab. She sat next to him. Stiff at first, and then relaxing into him as she listened to him translate the text for her.
She was not upset that he had refused to tell her the story. He was right. They were unlike anyone else. And to compare themselves to legends would only cause doubt in themselves and each other. And to find their own way, they needed to learn to trust each other.
A/N: GAH! More kissing! Ben likes kissing, and they still need a little more time. That trust is a tenuous thing, and they both are not used to trusting anyone. Let's see how this will play out. Especially with the outside world coming back to intrude on their idyllic little hide away now. Kiss, kiss, XOXO