Manchester, UK, 12am, Present Day
"Hello River." The Doctor murmured. She tweaked the corners of her lips in his direction.
"Where are we now then?" She was pulling out the blue book and The Doctor was already at her side, standing a little too close for innocence. Her spare hand was flicking through the pages of the book she held and he was hovering at her shoulder, eyes cast away from the book to avoid glimpsing his future.
"Jim the fish, the Silence, that beach planet, the date with Genghis Khan, dancing with Sinatra, moon jumping with Clara-"
"There! That was the last time I saw you."
"Oh yes, that was terribly fun wasn't it!" How is Clara anyway, still annoying?" River's tone was light but her eyes were hiding something. The Doctor swallowed and shook his head. River saw his expression and the look in her eyes cleared, "Oh. It's happened?"
"You knew this was going to happen?" Watson glared.
"I did." She answered, her eyes never leaving The Doctor, "I'm so sorry sweetie, I was hoping you were lying."
"Why would he lie about something like that?" Sam asked, curious.
"Rule one, handsome: The Doctor lies." River looked each and every person up and down until she arrived at Dean, "What's wrong with my favourite demon hunter?"
Dean glared at her, "Lady, we've never met before."
"You haven't met me yet sweetie, but I've met you a couple of times. You two," she gestured at Sam and his injured brother, "and Castiel. And of course Crowley and I go way back. All the way back to when he was Canton."
Sam found he couldn't help but snigger at the name again and Crowley bristled. Rose pursed her lips, "Sorry, but… who are you?"
"I'm River Song. I'm the Doctor's wife."
Ten and Rose looked at each other in alarm and everyone else stared in mixtures of shock and a myriad of other emotions at the woman.
"Yeah, but – why are you here?" Rose continued, trying to cover her surprise, all while shooting fervent glances at Ten, praying that he wasn't married yet.
"Crowley told me that The Doctor was in trouble, so I came to help. I do that sometimes, when the whim takes me, don't I sweetie?" Her eyes were fixed on Dean but her question was directed at the Doctor.
"Yes, dear." The Doctor's affectionate, joking tone was clear as he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and began scanning Crowley.
"Oi, what are you doing mate?" The demon growled.
"I want to know what it is that you're holding."
"Well why don't you do the polite thing and just ask?" Crowley muttered through his teeth.
The Doctor didn't respond, simply choosing to stare at the demon, who eventually sighed and placed the bundle carefully on the ground. He reached forward as though he wished to unwrap it, then decided against it and gestured.
"Whenever you're ready, feel free to take a look."
"No way Crowley, you pick it up." Sam was rightfully wary, but it had been a long day for Crowley and he snapped.
"If you don't want my help, bugger off you little shits! I went and got these for you, at great personal expense, and risk, and you ungrateful sods are accusing me of trying to… what exactly?"
"Shut up Crowley, just open the package." Sam said.
"I can't." Crowley let the words escape his lips, much as he didn't want to, and then sat down as far as possible away from the gleaming parcel, "As a demon, I can't touch the things in there. It has to be someone pure."
"Pure meaning?" Sam asked.
"I don't know, why don't you figure it out Moose? I know it means no demons, but I don't know how literal the translation is – maybe it's just demons, maybe you can only touch it if you've never sinned in your life. I can't say I've tried it before!" Crowley snarled at Sam and his stupid questions; he liked the kid, but sometimes Sam could really test his patience.
"Hey!" Dean's voice broke through the tense air, shattering the argument mid-thought before the two men could continue to verbally assault each other, "Could someone just open the package before I bleed out. I'd like to fight this battle at some-point before I die." He tried to lighten his tone, but the bleeding didn't seem to be slowing despite the fluffy towels pressed forcefully to his head. It was gushing from his ears and his nose had just started to drip a fluid that, for the first time in his life, he prayed was snot. He wiped his lip and when he pulled his hand away more blood had found its way onto it, so he assumed his nose was in the same predicament as his ears. He resigned himself to his eventual fate and looked up to see everyone staring at him. He rolled his eyes and looked around at all their faces, "Is anyone going to take a look? Because we all know I can't touch it."
Rose glanced at Ten but he was deep in thought, and everyone else was staring back at Dean, so she knelt down and pulled aside the glimmering sheet to reveal…
"A sword, and a funny looking ring?" She asked, to no-one in particular. Crowley scoffed but didn't say anything. Sherlock seemed intrigued but preoccupied. Castiel, however, strode forward,
"The Seal of Solomon!" He said reverently. Meanwhile, River had merely glanced at the items but she said quietly,
"And that's Gram, the sword Odin put in the tree."
Crowley nodded silently and removed himself from his perch, "Yes. Do you see why I couldn't touch them? The Seal of Solomon traps demons and Gram can only be wielded by someone pure of heart. I couldn't touch them if I wanted to, and I don't. But I thought we might need 'em."
"That's for sure." Watson said, "If we ever hope to beat Moriarty, or Lucifer, we need a lot more firepower than 4 guns, 2 daggers, timelords and Dean."
River looked at The Doctor who gave a microscopic shake of his head. She chose to completely ignore it, instead announcing loudly, "I have more."
"More what?" Castiel asked.
"More weapons. I stashed them where no-one would every think to look, but if you want arsenal, I've got everything we could possibly need. Anyone up for a trip?"
Dean stood, "Hell yes. Sam and I have a few things that might help too. But we need baby."
"Everyone back to the TARDIS. We need to visit Milliways." River proclaimed.
"Milliways?" Watson raised an eyebrow, "that's a fictional restaurant in a Douglas Adams book."
"You of all people should not be surprised when fictional things turn out to be real." Sam stated matter-of-factly.
"Fair enough," Watson conceded and River grinned like a Cheshire Cat.
"Alright everyone. It's time to visit the restaurant at the end of the universe."