A/N: Chapter the Thirteenth, in which Sirius comes up with many an ingenious plan and Moony confesses a deep dark secret.
Dear Marauders,
I can't find a date for the school dance. It's not because I'm ugly or anything, but I recently transferred from Salem Academy in America and I don't know anyone. Can you help me find a date?
- New Girl
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Are you pretty? Because I'll go with you!
- P
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I'd love to help you. But I'm planning on taking Lily, if I can get her to agree. Maybe Sirius will go with you.
- J
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Well it all depends. But if you can meet my requirements, I'd be glad to go with you. I'd just have to dump that Ravenclaw girl, but it can all be arranged.
-S
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You know, that is fairly sickening Sirius. I thought we'd been over this treating girls like disposable toys thing.
-M
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Clearly you thought wrong Moony.
- S
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Oh dear.
-J
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Well, I think I should advise against going to the dance with Sirius, it'd probably be healthy for him if a girl didn't want to go out with him for once.
-M
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I agree. What about Fenwick? I hear he's free.
- J
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Fenwick? You're choosing Fenwick over me? What is this world coming to!?
-S
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What about me? Who am I going to go with?
- P
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Sorry Pete, Fenwick is even more desperate than you.
- J
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Damn right! James, are you going to suggest all the desperate guys for this poor girl? You call that good advice?
-S
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It's better than an immature arse who is more than likely to break her heart the next day. Face it Sirius, you can't have a mature relationship.
- J
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Really Sirius, you're being incredibly immature. Besides, you have a date already.
-M
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Yes, I believe that Jessica would much appreciate you not dumping her for some random girl who has no date.
- J
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Nah, she'd understand. Besides, she can always go with Pete or Moony or whoever.
-S
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Moony's going with his girlfriend remember? And I have till next week to convince Lily to go with me. Pete may need some help though.
-J
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Exactly! I'll go with the new bird and Pete can go with Jessica. How does that sound Pete?
-S
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Great!
-P
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Maybe you should ask Jessica what she wants first?
- J
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Why? It'll be a surprise!
-S
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For some reason I don't think she'll appreciate that.
-M
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So, what shall we do?
- P
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I thought we just agreed that I, Sirius Black, will go with this new girl and you, Peter Pettigrew, will go with my as of now ex-girlfriend, Jessica. Really, it's that simple. And Jess'll be pleasantly surprised; I don't see what you're so worried about Remus.
-S
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No offence Pete, but Sirius, I somehow doubt Jess will want to go out with Pete.
-J
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Well what do you suggest then!?
-S
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I suggest New Girl ask out Benjy Fenwick. Unless she's looking for a one-date fling and wouldn't mind putting up with Sirius'...quirks.
- J
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Hey! Why doesn't she be your back up date! You know, for when Lily rejects you. That way I don't dump Jess like Moony wants. You get to ask Lily like you want. The new girl gets a date like she wants and not with someone desperate (well, as desperate) as Fenwick like I want. So it all works out! Except for Pete I guess but if Lily isn't going with anyone else she'll probably ask him out of pity (no offence Pete) so Pete gets a date like he wants and Lily gets to help one more poor soul in the world like she wants! I am now officially a genius!
-Sirius the Genius
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No, you are a complete idiot. Lily is mine!
- J
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Sirius, you are not allowed to plan anymore. No more planning. It will only lead to doom, destruction and quite possibly the end of the world.
-M
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Or, more likely, your death.
- J
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Yes, James will kill you. Remember the time you asked Lily out? I do, it was hilarious.
- P
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No it wasn't. It was cruel. James is cruel. Besides, this has nothing to do with that. It's a good plan. Really, you people.
-S
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How is Lily dating Peter a good plan? You should be helping ME get a date with her.
- J
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No I think you've got it covered. I mean, it's only a matter of time before she dates you out of sheer pity.
-S
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I actually think Sirius has a point. A good point. Good point Sirius.
-M
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Thank you Moony.
-S
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Shut up, all of you.
- J
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I don't think I want to go out with Lily. She's scary and James will kill me.
- P
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Thank you Pete.
- J
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Well, I think we've answered this question somewhere amongst all the inane rambling. So to sum it all up, your options include Benjy Fenwick or Pete.
-M
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Or James if he isn't too heart broken and mopey when Lily says no again.
-S
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Shut up, I too have a plan, and mine is fool proof. I'll have Lily at the dance, just you wait and see.
-J
Dear Marauders,
People think I'm dumb just because I'm blonde. But I'm not. I get some of the highest marks in all my classes and no one can beat me at Care for Magical Creatures. But still, people won't take me seriously. What can I do?
- Desperate Blonde (not the kind you're thinking of, Sirius)
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I can't believe she's judging me before I even say anything!
- S
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I can.
-P
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That's because she knows what you're like.
- J
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Still… How would she know what I was thinking?
-S
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Ah ha! So you were thinking that.
- J
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Shut up.
- S
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People are silly and prejudiced. Don't worry about them. They don't deserve to be worried over. Besides, I'm sure anyone who really knows you doesn't think you're a dumb blonde. And if people who don't know you just assume you are then... well... Gosh, I thought I was on a roll there.
-M
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To be fair, Sirius was thinking that, so her assumptions were justified.
- J
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The stupider people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.
-P
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Uh huh, right Pete.
- J
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Someone's had a little too much of my vodka today.
- S
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I only had half a bottle...
-P
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Ha! There you have it.
-S
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You had three.
-P
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Yet I'm sharper than you all!
- S
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I think we should tone down on the alcohol here.
- J
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Shut up druggie.
- S
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No you shut up.
- J
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No you.
-S
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No you.
- J
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No-
- S
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Really, we're supposed to be helping this girl prove to her peers that she is not they stereotyped dumb blond, not acting like six year olds.
-M
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Good point Moony; let's get back to the question.
- J
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No you-
- S
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SHUT UP!
- J
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Shutting up.
- S
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Good. I'm glad we got that over with. Now, any suggestions for Desperate Blonde (Think pure thoughts Sirius.)
-M
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My thoughts are always pure! Anyway, here's my advice: prank them. Come up with something so brilliant that they're too busy marvelling at its brilliantness to notice all their hair is falling out!
-S
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Good idea!
- P
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Of course it's a good idea. I thought of it didn't I?
-S
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You could go with that. Or you could ignore them and find people who will appreciate your intelligence.
- J
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That's not as exciting as Sirius' idea.
- P
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Nothing's ever as exciting as Sirius' ideas. That is why it is safer to stay away from him and his ever so exciting mind.
-M
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I know there's an insult in there; I can feel it.
- S
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Well, your powers of observation have far surpassed my expectations Sirius. Well done.
-M
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Clap clap for the handicap!
-P
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Hey!
- S
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I still say ignoring the idiots would be good, but you could also try a big stunt that will prove your genius. Like acing a Charms test or being the first to transfigure a rat into a phoenix in Transfiguration, or something else impressive that will show the others how smart you are. Don't be silly, but the bigger the stunt, the more chance they won't forget it.
- J
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Yeah, like if you transfigure the house tables into things each house represents. For example at breakfast or lunch or dinner (whichever mealtime you perceive to be the most suited) the Slytherin table turns into a whole lot of slimy snakes that eat all the equally slimy Slytherins. The Ravenclaw table turns into lots of ravens wearing thick nerdy glasses. The Hufflepuff table turns into a whole lot of fluffy badgers with yellow ribbons in their fur. And the Gryffindor table turns into many dashing, brave lions that tear the snakes to shreds. Much like a Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin. And yes, my idea is much better than James'.
-S
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No, your idea is stupid and dangerous, but still hilarious.
- J
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I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm being sarcastic by the way Sirius. I am being so sarcastic right now that the parchment is melting with all the sarcasm.
-M
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You cruel, sarcastic little bugger.
-S
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Cruel but true my friend, cruel but true.
- J
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Damn you. Damn you all to hell.
-S
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I think it's a good idea! Kind of... if you take away all the snakes and lions and ravens and badgers.
-P
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But prank is nothing much without them.
- S
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Yeah, but it's a little dangerous don't you think? What with all the man-eating animals around. I suppose the badgers would be all right, and maybe the ravens but snake are a little... poisonous, don't you think?
-P
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Actually, badgers are rather vicious.
- J
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Oh no.
-P
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You people. You call yourselves Marauders? COWARDS ALL!
-S
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Since when did the definition of "coward" become "reasonable"?
-M
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I think there is a fine line between a prank and something that is completely dangerous. Besides, if you really like this prank, why don't you do it instead of getting some inexperienced girl to do it?
- J
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Maybe I will!
-S
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Uhh... James, I don't think you should have said that.
-P
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What have I done?
- J
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Something terrible. Something very terrible indeed.
-M
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Moo ha ha ha haa!
-S
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Oh no, time to get out the rope and go to the astronomy tower, he's gone insane again.
- J
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He hasn't gone anywhere.
-M
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As much as I like to throw Sirius from tall heights, I think we've answered this question don't you? Just listen to James and Moony and everything shall be fine.
- P
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Thank you, Peter. Well done. We may let you summarise more questions in the future.
- J
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Yay!
- P
Dear Remus,
I have heard you and your friends talking about your "furry little problem." Sirusly, (he he) it's nothing to be ashamed about. Heck, I have one too! What's wrong with someone having a badly behaved rabbit!?!? (That is what it is, right?) I have one too! I know you have a girlfriend, but maybe, you'd like to have dinner sometime so we can talk about our compatible problem? RSVP soon!
Funny Bunny
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What in the- Rabbit? I thought it was – Ow!
- P
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Yes, that's exactly what we're talking about. Remus has a rabbit and it's very disobedient.
- J
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Unlike dogs who are always obedient.
- S
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Yes! That's right, it's a rabbit. A terribly badly behaved rabbit. Called... Flopsy. Because it's ears are all, you know, floppy.
-M
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Yes, sorry mate; looks like everyone knows now. Damn. Oh well.
- J
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That's all right; I suppose it's for the best. I knew I couldn't hide it forever. One day someone would have found out about dear old Flopsy. Anyway, Funny Bunny, I think I should make it clear that I have dinner with the whole school every night. It's something to do with dinner being held in the Great Hall with all the other houses.
-M
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You should start a support group! People With Furry Little Problems Anonymous. Or PWFLPA for short.
-S
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That sounds like some kind of retarded way of saying flipper.
- J
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My cousin had a bunny, until it fell into the bath and drowned. Who knew bunnies couldn't swim?
– P
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Well, we could name it the Society Of Flopsy in memoriam of Moony's rabbit. That way it would be SOF. Or we could name it after Pete's cousin's rabbit and make all the members wear black bunny ears in mourning for the deceased fur ball.
-S
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Ha! Everyone could wear rabbit costumes!!
-P
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Especially the girls.
- S
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Hmmm, Lily in a rabbit costume. I think you're on to something there Sirius.
- J
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I think this is getting a little out of hand.
-M
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By the way, how did you know the rabbit was called Fur Ball? You must be psychic or something Sirius.
- P
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…And little bunny ears and a little fluffy tail and…
- J
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James! Snap out of it! ... Oh dear, he's drooling. He looks slightly catatonic.
-M
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Oh, ten sickles the drool will reach the floor!
-S
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You're on!
- P
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Hey, stop betting on my Lily-in-bunny-costume induced drooling!
- J
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I've learned my lesson. No more gambling for me.
-M
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Damn! It was so close!
- S
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You owe me ten sickles!
- P
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Er... Moony, my honorary accountant would be happy to pay. Wouldn't you Moony?
-S
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NO.
-M
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What's an accountant?
-P
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Ask Moony, he knows all about that muggle junk.
- S
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Accountants are people you know. They count money, and various other things.
-M
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Oh. When did you become an accountant? Why didn't anybody tell me?
- P
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Pete, I'm not an accountant. Sirius was just being a stupid berk, which is actually another way of saying "Sirius Black."
-M
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I resent that.
- S
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But it's so true.
- J
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I'm sure you do. Anyway, weren't we supposed to be talking about rabbits?
-M
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Yes we were. Did you know dogs like to hunt and kill rabbits? Maybe we should tie Sirius up and throw him from the astronomy tower again, so your Flopsy is safe.
- J
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What? I've never killed a rabbit in my life! I mean, I've never known a dog who has killed a rabbit in my life. That'll do.
- S
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Well, I'm glad to hear it. But I'd be more worried about Sirius; Flopsy is one vicious bunny.
-M
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Indeed, he bit holes in all my bed sheets and my poor precious socks. My poor, poor socks!
- P
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No, that was Sirius.
- J
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SOCK KILLER!!
- P
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Now now, Pete. Those socks had it in for them. Just be glad Flopsy didn't get to them before I did. That mangy little rabbit with its great big pointy teeth! Be afraid, be very afraid.
-S
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AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
- P
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Not that afraid.
- J
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Now, that was uncalled for.
-M
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Are you happy Sirius? Not only did you scare Peter like a little child (which isn't that hard to do) you also insulted Remus, I mean, Remus' rabbit, Flopsy. I believe if Flopsy were here right now, he would jump up and bite your big nose.
- J
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Hey! My nose isn't big!
- S
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Ah! Bite-y rabbit!
- P
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I think this is enough talk of Furry Little Problems, if we keep going it will only lead to disaster.
-M
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Hear hear!
J
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So, no to dinner and yes to admittance of vicious bunny ownership.
- J
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That pretty much sums it up. Unless, of course, Funny Bunny wouldn't mind joining the rest of Hogwarts and I at dinner tonight. If that's so than it's a yes on both accounts.
-M
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You'll have to fight tooth and nail to get to him past Cass. She never gives him a minute alone. Like a fox she is.
- S
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Ah! Fox!
- P
A/N: Hello all! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, sent a question or read! Or all three! Just one thing about questions: It's a little hard to incorporate questions that link to other questions. I'm not sure I'm making sense. But it's just we have this list of questions, and by the time we get to the one that has something to do with some other question it's been five chapters and everything ends up not making sense. Like I am now. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if a question doesn't make sense unless it's alongside a previous question then it's rather difficult to incorporate in a way that isn't as mind-bogglingly confusing as this note is.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone in general. I will shut up now. For my own sanity as well as yours.
-discombobulated.shoe
Like discombob said, thanks all! You people are really nice and very smart to be coming up with all these wonderful questions! Also, I came up with an idea a few days back…themed chapters! So, if you have an idea for a theme, or have a themed question, please send away. Some of themes that might be included could include Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving (that one's probably a bit hard) Halloween, and that's all I can come up with for now. So you can see why I'm asking for you for ideas.
Well, thanks again for the reviews, and please keep all questions, ideas and reviews coming. It's up to you to make this great, me and discombob just make it funny. ;D
See ya
- Tiger-Cub684