I know. I'm sorry. There's no excuse for such a late update. Especially after leaving you all hanging like I did. But I'm literally swamped with stuff to do, and exams are fast approaching. Plus, my writer's block got pretty bad during the interval. I just hope this chapter makes up for my disappearance, although it could be awful for all I know. It's a shortish one, but I figured you guys deserve an update.
I don't own Skins, oh as is life.
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The phone brings many things. Relief. Panic. Apprehension. Anticipation. Giddiness. Butterflies.
Just feeling, mostly.
Naomi hasn't slept. Has been on autopilot from the moment she'd watched Emily's small and chagrined form retreat out of that alleyway. From the moment she'd watched Emily abandon her. But after staring at the spot from which she'd disappeared for a good ten minutes, her feet directed her back into the club. It was empty by the time she returned to the stage – only Freddie, Thomas, a couple of employees and the other two bands were left amongst the wreckage.
She didn't join them at first. Watched them from the shadows instead, silent and curious. Thomas' silky, easy voice. Freddie's effortless lopsided smile, pulled all the more askew by his slight inebriation. The laughter they all shared, the other lads jeering and chuckling along as well. Envy had pricked at her, but it was not enough to break through the numbness. What she wouldn't have given to be in Freddie's shoes then. Carefree. Happy. While she was trying to keep herself from deteriorating. The questions. Pulling at her from the inside. But she pushed it all back. Morning, she'd commanded herself. Just until morning. Then I can breathe.
The moment has come. The phone bells tauntingly on her nightstand while she's sitting on her bed, and although she's been waiting all of eight hours for it's sound through a painful night of insomnia, she finds she can't even answer the fucking thing now. Her fingers are frozen, her motor skills all but failing her. She leaves it for a good ten seconds or so, sure that it's bound to stop at any moment while she just stares at it dumbly, but then the voice of her subject of obsession drifts into her head. "Tomorrow. I promise. We'll talk tomorrow". The voice is as steady now as it was then. As sure as the real thing. And it's soon followed by an image. An image where those bright brown eyes are staring up at her adoringly. Right after they'd kissed.
She answers without another moment's hesitation. "Hullo?" she murmurs hoarsely, her voice raspy from lack of use. There's no reply at the other end. She can hear her though. Her soft, quiet breaths. Immediately Naomi can tell they're a bit more laboured than they usually are. It's something she's noticed. Whenever the redhead is apprehensive about something, her breathing grows imperceptibly tighter and harsh. Even through the phone she knows. And that makes her feel a little more justified in how she's feeling.
"Hi" mumbles a painfully timid voice eventually, and Naomi feels the first flicker of emotion she's felt in hours. There's a long pause. "I'm keeping my promise" Emily says then, her voice a little stronger now. A small smile tugs at Naomi's lips. Even in the most awkward of situations, Emily always manages to make her smile. It simultaneously comforts her and irritates her in this instance.
"Yeah. So I noticed" the blonde says eventually, trying to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. It's a defence mechanism, but she knows it's not appropriate for this moment. Knows this is completely serious. She bites hard on the inside of her cheek, inadvertently opening the wound from last night in the process. She ignores the taste of blood in her mouth. "Do you regret it?" she blurts out then, ignoring her sense of tact as well. Oh well. Straight to business then.
There's another long pause, and Naomi hears those breaths puff out a little harder. "No. Not for a second" the redhead whispers huskily, and Naomi's stomach gives a feeble little lurch of happiness. But. There's always a but, she reminds herself swiftly, and waits for Emily to continue.
"But" Emily murmurs, and Naomi has to keep herself from scoffing. "You know this is complicated...don't you?"
Naomi hesitates. Understands what Emily's trying to imply. Of course this is complicated. They're friends. What happened, what could happen...it has the potential to change everything. Even though they've only known each other a short time, Naomi can't bear the thought of losing Emily over this. She's spent so much time in this secluded little world she's created for herself, yet somehow she's glad that Emily's become a part of it. It makes her feel less alone. Less lonely.
Then there's everything else to think about. Everyone. Effy. A nauseating sensation wracks through her abdomen as the brunette's eerie presence suddenly – finally – washes over her. Effy always knows how to dig deep to the core. How to crawl beneath one's skin. But this is something else entirely. Although she's not even here, Naomi abruptly feels those piercing eyes boring into her from all sides. The blonde had managed to keep her mind off of the brunette up until this point. She'd numbed the guilt. But now Effy is everywhere. And she knows. How could she not? She's been fuming over her and Emily for weeks, but it never became a problem because Naomi knew nothing could never happen. Would never happen.
Well, turns out there's a problem now.
"Why her?" she'd asked. Naomi's face scrunches up at the mere memory of the agonized sound of her voice. "Why not me?" Truth is, Naomi will never be able to answer that question. Because she doesn't know either. Wishes she did, because things would be so much easier otherwise. She could just carry on living this easy lifestyle. No feelings or people or potential pain to deal with. Just herself. And Effy lets her do that, no questions asked. But she can't help it. It's her heart, not her head, that pulls her towards Emily whenever she's near. And she's starting to enjoy the feeling. Starting to enjoy letting someone else in.
"Naomi?" Emily's unsure voice suddenly cuts in. The blonde realizes she's been silent for a good thirty seconds or so whilst her mind was off in space. But Emily's husky voice brings her back. So she pushes Effy, pushes everything else away for the moment. Later, she decides. I can think about them later. Emily is definitely her first priority.
"Yes. I know it's complicated" she answers monotonously. Then she licks her lips, tasting dry blood. "It doesn't have to be, though" she adds quietly, her voice uncharacteristically uncertain. There's an edge of hope tagged on at the end, but Naomi feels her stomach drop when she hears the redhead sigh defeatedly.
"Effy" is all she says in reply, and the blonde grimaces. The image of the enigmatic brunette tries to force its way back to the front of Naomi's mind, but she just pushes it back again.
"I'm not going out with Effy" she says defensively. Emily snorts. The blonde continues on hastily before Emily can interject. "I swear. Yeah we're...seeing each other, but...that's all we've ever been doing. She's not my girlfriend. It's the same way for her" she tries to reason.
Emily sighs again, and Naomi can picture a sad look on her face. "I don't believe that Naomi. And somehow, deep down I know that you don't either. Despite what you might tell yourself" the redhead explains, her tone a little more steely now. It surprises the blonde. "You can't just be with someone for so long and not be with them...somebody will get hurt and..."
She doesn't finish her sentence, and Naomi can sense something deeper is at play. Nevertheless, she presses onto the urgent issue at hand. "Okay, forget about Eff for a second. What about us?"
Emily pauses. Naomi can only wait. The hard stuff's coming and they both know it. "I don't know Naomes. I really don't" she says despondently. "But that's not the point, is it? What do you expect to come out of this anyway?"
The directness of Emily's question catches Naomi off-guard. On the one hand it sounds like a challenge. On the other a threat. A double-edged sword. "Well I, uh..." she stammers feebly. She pauses to take a deep breath, calming her rapidly beating heart. Emily waits, her quiet breaths still audible down the line. Naomi in the meantime tries to think of what to say next. Anything that could steer the outcome of this conversation in the right direction. Then it hits her. "Are you gay?" she blurts out. Okay. Could've been a little more delicate. Fucking mouth, she mentally scolds herself.
Emily giggles uneasily, clearly amused by the lack of grace of Naomi's question. It's then that the blonde's grateful that Emily can't see her face; a blush begins to burn at her cheeks. But then Emily abruptly stops laughing. "Yeah. I'm gay" she says, her voice becoming quiet and husky again. Naomi feels a tentative smile pull at her lips.
"Really?" she asks dubiously, needing full conformation.
Emily laughs again, and the sound lessens Naomi's anxiety. "Yes! Alright?" she says, her breathy voice incredulous. "I'm gay as a window! Is it that hard to tell or something?"
Naomi hesitates, biting her lip and rolling her eyes with amusement. The ghost of Emily's hot and feverish kisses remains on her lips, and the mere memory of them is enough to send a chill up Naomi's spine. There's definitely nothing straight about the way Emily kisses, she hastily concludes. She awkwardly tugs and fiddles at the duvet beneath her. "No. I suppose not" she concedes. There. It's out in the open. Emily's gay. Maybe all that flirting-but-not-flirting they'd been sharing over all this time wasn't as imaginary as she'd first assumed...
"Listen Naomes. I like you, okay?" Emily presses on, all rather quickly. The unexpected admission causes Naomi's heart to flutter and a beam to break out over her face. But the redhead's not finished. "But...I should be asking you all the questions. You kissed me, but you're going out with Effy. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't deal with cheats Naomi, but I like you and–"
"Hey hey" the blonde interjects desperately upon hearing the panic rising in the redhead's voice. "I know, okay? It's fucked up. But, I like you too" she admits hesitantly. Fuck. She feels like a soppy little teenage girl. Oh well. Only for Emily. "What do you want me to do?" she asks, no hint of apathy in her tone.
Emily stays silent for a long beat, but when she speaks again her voice is unwavering. "I'm going home for Christmas with Katie. My parents live just outside of London" she explains. Naomi raises an eyebrow in confusion, but Emily answers her unspoken question. "I don't know if we have potential, Naomes. Well, I won't know until you sort this out. You need to talk to Effy". Naomi's eyelids wrench shut. She knew that course of action was going to come up sooner or later. Doesn't mean she has to like it though.
"I know" she says in a weak voice, and her words are laced with truth. "I'll talk to her. I'll try".
Silence again, and then; "Good. If you can do that, then we can...well, we'll see how things pan out" Emily says, her voice clipped. Naomi senses that the conversation is coming to a close. Knows she won't be able to think let alone talk about potentially having something with Emily until she talks to Effy. It's the right thing to do. She just has no clue what she's going to say.
"Yeah, um...I'll see you after the holidays, so" she says, attempting to leave things between them on a somewhat positive note.
Emily laughs awkwardly. "Merry Christmas Naomi" she murmurs.
Naomi smiles weakly. "Merry Christmas Em" she replies. There's no 'goodbye' to follow it up. Naomi hears a dial tone and knows that's it. She's on her own now. So she hangs up her phone and chucks it aside before flopping onto her back on the bed. "Fucking great" she whispers aloud, dread seeping through her. She hasn't seen Effy since last night, and even then it was before she'd brushed her off and sent Cook to look after her. She doesn't even know where the brunette ended up. Hopefully she somehow made it home to her apartment, although that might be asking a bit much considering the state she was in.
It's then that the guilt well and truly hits. Stabs, more like. At last. There was genuine pain in Effy's eyes last night. And now Naomi was going to have to admit that something happened with Emily. That she basically proved Effy right. If she doesn't, she'll be letting Emily down as well. Fuck. This is why she hates caring. It overwhelms her. Things used to be so much simpler. Except she'll just have to get on with it now. Because she certainly cares what Emily thinks. Cares about Emily.
She hears loud footsteps then outside her door, coming from the hallway. Quickly realizes that Freddie's up. Tries to rearrange her face, masking her inner turmoil before she gets up to join him for breakfast. Real life awaits. Only now, she's never been so afraid to face it.
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