Twelve – I Asked For Release
"I had you warned," said Queen Suzune.
"I know."
"And you came back." Her gaze bore into me. Her eyes were gentle, which lessened the forbidding spell of her scolding stare greatly, but they often had the hard, distant look. The coolness of which she was so popular for among the faeries.
"I know."
"You heeded my warning not."
"I know."
"Luka, you do realize that this means danger for you."
"I know. But why danger? I am safe here. I will just fade, that is all."
"But it is lonely," she persisted.
"Lonely? Why lonely? Seeing Miku happy will make me ha—" I clapped a hand over my mouth. What was I saying? I had just confessed in a rather indirect way.… One glance at Queen Suzune's face and I knew that she uhad caught that too. Seeing Miku happy will make me happy, I was about to say. Since when did I start saying things like that? Never. In the castle I was totally separated from everybody that interacted with me. I could care less about their suffering, as long as they tended to my own. I was starting to have second thoughts about my terrible, rude behavior to the servants (whom I didn't really consider as people before the trip on January 15).
An awkward silence crept by.
"Luka," said Queen Suzune finally, "do you know that faeries are reborn?"
"That, yes."
"They are reborn, often from a suffering or terrible life that ended with a heartwrenching crash. They are given a second chance at life. Maybe it was love, maybe it was murder, maybe it was just… sadness and loss. Faeries are to guide and help, but as time passes, less and less faeries contribute to the moral values we were created for… and take advantage of their lithe bodies. You hear of faeries breaking men's hearts all the time."
"Yes," I said, remembering Father screaming at my grandfather, a poor old man with a sunken mouth and lidless eyes and looked as if his flesh were rotting. I could see the individual segments of the bones in his hands, his ribs jutting out through his torn, threadbare clothes, his stomach stretched tightly over his sharp hip bones. I was maybe seven, and my grandfather had come, with his crazy hair and limping gait, to beg for the land Father had taken away from him when Father found out that he had fallen in love with a faerie, after Father's mother died. Looking back, I realized that my family had indeed had been involved greatly in faerie movements.
"I'm concerned for you," Queen Suzune finally said.
"Everybody is."
"Luka, I am serious."
"Ohh…" I remembered the question I was going to ask Queen Suzune. "Where's Miku?"
She pinched her lips together. "That is not something I should tell you."
"Where's Miku?" What had she done to make Queen Suzune act like this? I started to become scared. Had she… she was rash, adventurous… I remembered that time, looking at the robin and the dove. "They're both female. And different species. But somehow the same. That is like us. Although they might not love each other, some strange affection seems to exist between them. I wish I could be like that." "She didn't… she… the sparrow?"
"She caught it and was doing something strange with it, almost strangling it, screaming, 'I want to be you!'"
"I never saw her doing that," I whispered. "And I tail her the entire time, basically because I'm more comfortable with her than any other faerie."
"You were not there."
At least that was explained, but more questions arose. What does Miku do when I'm not around? What do I think she does? Is Miku different when she's not around me?
"No, she is not," Queen Suzune said. "At least, not very. Ever since you came, though, she acts a little queer about the subject of you. Gets a light in her eyes, like affection and fear all at once." It took me a moment to realize I voiced my last question out loud.
"Well then… Stop beating around the bush with me. Tell me what happened."
"You don't want to know what happened."
"No, I do."
"No, you don't," Queen Suzune said fiercely.
I recoiled and for once, didn't know how to respond.
"Just because you love her doesn't mean that you need to know every single detail of her life," Queen Suzune continued, practically spitting the words at me. "Why do you think I know this? Do you think I am stupid? I'm trying to keep you from destruction. I lived in a land near a salty sea; since I was born, I knew how to swim, fish, and do other water-related things that in your kingdom is only reserved for men. But one day my fisherman father and I went out to sea and a big storm came, overturning the boat. I sunk under, couldn't breathe… and he disappeared to somewhere I still don't know today."
She paused angrily, panting, before picking up her story. "I paddled with my hands. Tried to. The waves were too choppy, too strong, crashing hard over my head. Soon I was delirious from underwater suffocation and exhaustion and I fell asleep.
"But then when I opened my eyes, not heaven was I in, but…" She laughed bitterly. "But I was in a dark, glimmering cove. The first things I saw were hands. Not hands like ours. Soft, webbed hands, with long, spindly fingers that would be wonderful for weaving, void of fingernails. Then hair neither thick nor thin, neither long nor short. Finally a beautiful long tail, which was scaly, smooth, and reptilian, with a split fin at the end. The mermaid also had fins at her elbows.
"Took me a while to fall in love. But I did. Like your love with Miku. I fell in love with the mermaid, who also happened to be the leader of the tribe of mermaids' daughter. He was furious… namely with her falling in love with someone not a mermaid— surprisingly, he didn't care much about the gender. But she was the one who rescued me, took care of me, comforted me. And I was attached to her.
"And look what happened to me now! After staying a few years or so with them, I suppose, I began to turn transparent. Fade. Life became harder and harder for me. The only mermaid or other sea creature that would believe I was not a ghost was her. And finally… I died. Became flesh and bone again just in time for me to die, just in time to whisper 'Thank you' one more time to her. Aaaaaand… after an eternity in Hell, or so it seems, I'm here."
We stared at each other for a moment, me defiant, she furious. Finally, Queen Suzune tore her gaze away, admitting defeat, murmuring, "I was trying to tell you, this love is wrong, like a sheep attracted by a deer."
"Who is the sheep and who is the deer?"
"Luka," reproved Queen Suzune, although she was smiling benevolently. "You know what I mean."
"Wrong in which way? The sex way or the race way?" I was standing up now, the scratchy woolen dress that I had changed into brushing my ankles. Realizing that it was short and that my ankles might be visible by the dress's movement, I quickly settled down my movement and waited for the swishing to stop.
She thought for a moment. "Both," she said, cautiously. "You see, it is against—"
"I know! Do you know how many times I was talked to about that in the exact same way and exact same words?"
"Then why don't you…" For a moment, it was clear that she was struggling with herself, struggling to bring out something within, struggling to make a confession. Then that moment of insecurity lifted, and Queen Suzune's face became smooth again. "So I see…" she whispered.
"See what?"
"Luka, I will help you." Suzune stood up so her face was level to mine. "I will help you get rid of this love of yours."
"I don't need your help!"
I had watched this scene unfold in front of my very eyes, and even though I was a participant in that scene, it was as if I was watching from above, that I was already dead and I was a ghost. I turned on my heel now, not caring whether the dress revealed my ankles or not (why was revealing one's ankles, particularly a woman's, a deadly crime, anyway?). I looked briefly at Queen Suzune's face, which was now a lovely expression of confusion and understanding at the same time, somehow mixed together in a marvelously mind-boggling way. And what do you suppose I did?
I fled.
l~u~k~a
Many a story I had heard, and yet I still had to do what the main heroine always did. I ran away and got lost.
I'll never learn.
I had had only one journey through this area of the forest, and every way I looked, it was still the same to me. There were no footprints. I stepped toward a puddle consisting of the early morning dew that dripped off ferns and trees and vines once warmed by the sun. My image flickered. I considered the thought that I was disappearing already, but rejected the thought—Suzune was making me paranoid. The sun's rays, not quite yet warm on my back, was shining at just the right angle for that when I blinked, my hand would seem to move up and down without me doing anything.
I sat down on the ground, ripping some grass from the thickly-carpeted floor of green. They were fibrous and held strong when I tried to break it apart, not like the brittle, sun-dried grass of autumn.
Miku, why did you catch that sparrow? What were you going to do with it? Miku, what has happened to you? Did that happen the same way the first time around? Were you that possessive of your lover? And what had happened to her?
I now knew why people pined away for love. It was an aching resemblance, love. In fact, love wasn't very different from hate—probably what set it apart from hate was that love was all pleasantries and hate was black and angry. "Love" and "hate" were just words labeling feelings that could not be described. Love and hate both made my heart flutter, though not necessary in the same way. They both made my chest burn. They both made me want to protest against… itself, I guess.
"Thinking will not get me anywhere," I muttered, standing up again—not that standing up would be much of a help to me. At once I wished I could change time and decide to listen to Queen Suzune before leaving in the direction of the Mother Tree.
"Wishing will not get me anywhere either."
At least that I had learned now, to be more practical. My whole life had been spent in a lovely fantasy, and while it was not as lovely as it could have been (if only I had doting parents; more attention; been loved by all people), it was certainly more warm and hazy than this stark reality spread before my eyes.
It would probably be best to stay here until someone or something found me, but I didn't know how to find things to eat, didn't know where all of the faerie-berry bushes were (and likely their blooming season was long past), didn't even know what was edible and what was not, and did not trust any stream running through the place due to what had happened to Yuzuki Yukari. Besides, I had no idea exactly how long I was going to stay. Then again, staying still was probably the best resolution, since moving would make me even more lost unless I traveled in a big circle.
She probably won't go after me, anyway. It's up to me, I thought. So I got up and looked around. Maybe I could live a few years on roots and berries…
"Stop." I swallowed, and it was then that I realized I had a lump in my throat. My stomach was twisted in a knot, and I tried desperately to calm my quivering insides. It wouldn't do to hurl now—maybe later, but not now.
With each step, I became more lost. Forests are mystic things. They work against you in the queerest ways. Once you become its friend, it will serve you, but during the time when it's testing you, it will not do you a thing in help.
l~u~k~a
I was beginning to get hungry. Whenever I was worried, hunger in my mind pushed away all else. Faeries lived in harmony with nature, I understood that—and I had lived with faeries a while. But the parts of the forest they occupied were the only places I ever roamed; and often, I roamed with Miku.
Standing in front of a brook, with fishes swimming abundantly in the water, my stomach wailed for the deliciously cooked fish that I used to have at the palace. My favorite dish was tuna. Tuna, sprinkled with onions, leeks, and peppers, and other spices. But there was no tuna in this brook; and it might even been the brook whose water killed Yuzuki Yukari. Besides, I liked tuna being at least three feet long.
Even though my situation didn't quite permit it, I choked back laughter when I thought about me, standing naked in front of the brook. And then Miku appeared…
I had thought I was naive while I was standing there, waiting for something to happen. But as I thought, I was even naive then. Looking back on this if I might survive, I would probably think I was naive, being here now.
Anyhow, the thing was, I was standing here, being sappy about memories and Miku. I didn't know what punishment she got—assuming she got any punishment. Queen Suzune… what was that that she said? "Just because you love her doesn't mean that you need to know every single detail of her life! Why do you think I know this? Do you think I am stupid? I'm trying to keep you from destruction!"
That was true. But I worried for Miku and wondered what Miku was doing right now—supposing that she was still alive.
All this. And I somehow didn't feel annoyed at Miku, like I would have been, before I had gone through these ordeals (as I have no other word to describe them). I felt, in fact, strangely at peace. So be it if Father didn't want me there. I only wished I could find a way to get back at him for hiding everything from me these past few years—secrets that I haven't even come close to discovering even now.
Then there was a teal glow across the brook.
l~u~k~a
Just like before. I could not believe my eyes. Was this truly…?
A translucent female figure took shape. It wasn't like last time. It wasn't a mirage.
She was the same Miku, but Miku was holding something in her hands—a sparrow. She was lying on the ground, coughing, shaking, stroking the sparrow.
"Miku… what happened to you?" I whispered.
l~u~k~a
"She punished me," Miku said flatly.
"I know that. How?"
Miku shrugged. "I'm starting to revise my thoughts on faeries can't be all-powerful beings. Or maybe Queen Suzune had help from someone. I knew she thought I was insane. But I'm not insane! I'm not, I'm not! Luka…" She coughed, her body shaking. This continued for several seconds before she looked up again with tear-filled eyes. Miku reached out, but the brook was too wide for her to touch me.
"Luka… do you think I'm insane too?"
"Insane? No, that's crazy!"
But did I?
"Don't…" she gasped. "Don't… don't think I'm insane. Please?"
"You're not insane."
"There is no conviction in your voice."
The sight of Miku reminded me of the girl I saw when I was going back to Father's palace—all ragged and thin and worn out—Yuki? That was surprising, because Miku looked far from Yuki. Although Miku's dress was rather tattered, she didn't look that hungry.
Somehow, though, they looked similar enough to make me remember Yuki when looking at Miku. I realized it was the expression: Yuki and Miku had the same starved, desperate eyes, with a tiny glint of hope, begging, straining to hear what she wanted to believe. Aching to hear something that comforted her, even if it were a lie.
How much pain had Miku hidden from me?
"She… took my wings away," Miku gasped. "The basic thing that made me a faerie, gave me faerie blood. Without them, I am gone. A weak, weak human. Like those that fade and become truly alive when they die. I… haven't truly felt these emotions s… since… years and years ago. Being a faerie, human emotions are just games. Pricks to… keep the excitement moving."
"You were buried under layers and layers of hurt the whole time? How is that possible?" Oh, get over your stupid fear of huge bodies of water, Luka. Get. Over. It. There are more important things right now than your phobia…
Miku grimaced. "It is. I tried not to feel. I… separated, so I can look at famine and suffering without feeling a thing. But it's… coming back… making me repent… my actions…"
Repent. The word lingered in my mind for just a moment before I dove into the water and resurfaced, gasping for air, on the other side. Miku cracked a weak smile and reached out, but the tips of her fingers barely brushed the side of my hand. It was strange—I felt her fingers, but they seemed to go through me, as if I were nothing but water.
"Miku—what—what is this?"
"… already… fading…"
"Fading for what? Suzune condemned you for just taking a sparrow? That's… disgusting! She has a similar backstory to mine—"
Miku shook her head. "Drink… something… give me something to drink…"
"The water here is not healthy."
"I'll die anyway—" Her dry, chapped lips parted momentarily after she finished the word "die", as if she was taking in a breath so she couldn't say another word until she let that breath out. I felt cold again, fearful, like something terrible was going to happen. Maybe it was because of I'll die anyway.
"You won't die anyway," I said automatically. It sounded unconvincing and it was.
"Just… give me the water… quick—" She coughed again, her voice sounding raspy and hoarse and as if she had to force each word out. I cupped some water with my hands from the brook and dribbled some into her mouth. Miku swallowed hard, and a few tense moments passed between us. Finally, she made a noise like a cross between a hiccup and a sigh, and her whole body relaxed. "That's better. Now I can talk. No, she didn't just do this to me because of the sparrow. It may have contributed to what happened, though…"
"Why? What did you do?" I forced myself to make my voice gentle, soothing. As if nothing bad would happen. As if this was just a bad dream.
How I wish it would be a bad dream, I thought sardonically. And I would wake up any second now, on January 15, 1515, and there would be a big celebration, and nobody would send me away. But that was just a fantasy.
But dreaming of fantasies was a time long gone.
Miku's imploring eyes bore into me. "Are you sure… you want to know?"
I took a deep breath.
"Yes," I said finally. "I need to know everything."
Yeah well, sorry about it, this chapter is shit. I typed everything up in three hours - that's ~1,000 words per hour, ~17 words per minute. xD Don't worry, I don't actually type that slow (my record is 111 wpm LOL BRAGGING RIGHTS; but I usually achieve around a 90-something), I just think for a few seconds before typing a word. ._. Every word has to be perfect guys. ... No... what I really do is go into writing spurts where I write for about thirty minutes at a time, then become distracted by youtube - RISHE IS THE BEST MOTHERFUCKERS - for another thirty minutes.. stuff like that...
(well not really because I just said that this chapter is shit) (but honestly with summer and all - here I am bitching about my classes and volunteering/workplace thingy days - I don't have any time during the week to write) You know, the funny thing is that I'm actually busier during the summer than during school.
... I feel like I'm bragging and complaining at the same time. Like a spoilt child. Kay I'll stop now. This is a long A/N.
Thank you guys for reading/reviewing as always. I'll get a Mipiko or a Miki/Kaito or some other Miki story up soon, after this one. And a oneshot. Let's not forget the oneshots. Anyhow, the ideas are beginning to sprout!
~Unyielding Wish