Sorry this took so long, since I was hoping to have it up a lot sooner. The darn thing just didn't want to be written.
Anyway, thanks for the reviews, faves, and alerts everybody! I really appreciate it!
((Zexion))
I feel like I'm underwater. Under layer upon layer of dark, suffocating water. And I, I am lost. Lost in the unforgiving water. I can't find my way, because there's nothing to grab on to, nothing to touch with my skinny little fingers. There's just…nothing. It's like the water swallowed everything up, just like it swallowed me. Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I want to just disappear, to a place where no one could be disappointed in me? No one could want anything from me? No on could hurt me? Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't it?
I don't know.
I don't know if I really wanted to drown in this suffocating feeling, in this dark water. I know I jumped; I know I did, but was it really what I wanted? Did I really want to disappear? Did I?
I don't know that either.
I don't know why I'm here, what I'm doing here in the first place. I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore, not since him. He changed everything, my entire world. He took down each wall I held so high around myself. He toppled them over with sweet, sweet words, without ever once hurting me. But…did he really mean those words? Did he really want me? Did he really believe what he was telling me?
I wish I knew.
I wish I knew how he felt about me, how I feel about him. I wish I knew it all. But, I don't. And…I know I won't. I'm just too broken to ever know. To even truly figure it out. I'm too far gone, too lost. Too everything. But, does that really mean that I deserve to drown? That I deserve to drown in this suffocating, dark water? Does it? I know my parents would prefer me to drown…they wanted me to die; they've always wanted me to die.
Am I really okay with that? Do I really want that? Do I?
I don't know.
"Zexion? Zexion…hey, Zexion? You need to wake up…" I blink, groaning slightly as my eyes open to the brightness of the room…that I don't remember. I feel my breath pick up, my chest struggling to take in just another breath of air. Where am I? Why don't I know where I am? I should know. I was with Demyx. I was with Demyx…where is he? Oh moogles, don't let him leave me. Just don't let him leave me. I couldn't take it. I couldn't…bare it. "Hey, Zexy, calm down." I stop breathing. I know that voice. Slowly, I turn, looking over my shoulder as I struggle to sit up.
It's him.
It's him in all of his tan, lanky, odd…abnormal glory. All of it. Everything that belongs to those oceanic eyes…that are staring at me with that hidden smile. That hidden smile that doesn't show teeth or bubbly happiness. That smile that shows me nothing but…care, concern…love even. That hidden smile that brightens my day. That gives me a reason to live. The smile that-
Oh.
I think I might be in love with that smile.
What's wrong with me?
"Uh, Zexy? You need to breath." He reasons, smiling all the while, worry falling into those oceanic eyes. So I do. I breathe in and out in small measured breaths, unable to take my eyes off of him. How can I let myself fall in love? I can't, can I? It must be some sort of mistake. I can't even figure out my own feelings, right? I'm just mixing them up again. I'm just…confused, hurt, angry; I don't know. I'm something, anything but in love. Please, please let me be anything but in love. I won't deal with that right now. I can't deal with that right now. I just…can't.
Slowly, I curl, resting my head on my knees, watching Demyx through my overgrown bangs. No, I can't possibly be in love. "Where am I?" I finally ask; he just smiles that wonderful smile.
"You're in Axel and Roxas' guest bedroom. You fell asleep on the couch and we didn't want to wake you up, so…yeah."
"Oh." I mumble. I should have guessed. This room is just as cozy as the rest of the house was, if not as lived-in as Demyx's place. It lacks the colorful appeal that his has, but it's not cold like every other place I've ever been. Over time, I might even grow to like it.
"Yeah, um, are you feeling any better? Do you need me to get you anything? I mean, you must be hungry and tired; I'm bothering you, aren't I? You've been asleep for a really long time and you needed to get up, but I should've- I'm babbling again, aren't I?" He laughs lightly, but…it's fake. He's fake laughing. Why would he do that for me? Why would he resort back to talking with me this way? Why…why would he? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
"I'm fine."
"Oh." His shuffles his feet along the floor, disappointment written clearly in his features. And, why? Why does that bother me so much? Is it because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, to think I'm worthless and get rid of me like everyone else? Or…is it because I…think I might love him?
No, that can't possibly be it.
He sighs, heavily, those oceanic eyes watching me with…sadness. And I, I just don't understand. "Listen Zexy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Demyx looks at me with those big puppy-dog, oceanic eyes, searching for forgiveness. But…
"Why?" Why is he sorry? Why is he the one apologizing? Shouldn't I be the one begging forgiveness? Shouldn't I be the one pleading with him? Shouldn't it be me and not him?
And, all he can do is stare as I look at him incredulously through my dark bangs, eyes just as lost as mine have always been. I don't think I like this; this switching of roles.
"Why shouldn't I apologize?"
((Demyx))
I don't think I quite understand. How could he not know what I'm apologizing for? I mean, wasn't he terrified, so very afraid of me? Shouldn't he be backing away in fear, like he was in the car? Shouldn't he? He should understand. He was terrified and that was my fault, so isn't it only right for me to apologize to him? Mom always said I should right my wrongs and…this is righting a wrong, isn't it? Well, I think it is anyway, doesn't that count for something? Yes, no, maybe?
Oh, mighty moogles, I don't even understand.
"Because…I'm the one that should apologize…?" Zexion mumbles, hugging his knees, avoiding looking me in the eyes at all cost. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. All it's causing is him to doubt himself. I mean, doesn't he do that enough? Wouldn't it have been better for me to keep my big, fat mouth shut for once? But, that wouldn't have been righting my wrong; that would have just been ignoring the problem, and mom said I should never ignore my problems, because that just makes things that much worse.
"Why…? You didn't do anything wrong." I rub my neck nervously, watching him struggle with himself, curling, uncurling, losing himself. And, even though I know I shouldn't push him, shouldn't ask for anything of him because I know he might just fall apart, I can't keep myself from pushing. Pushing just a little bit farther. I want to know. I need to know.
"I didn't…do anything wrong." He repeats, as if he doesn't really believe it. His cobalt blue eyes gaze off into space, lost, untouchable. Except…it's not the lost look he had before; it's not like the one I held when my parents died. It's nothing like it at all. It's more…guarded. Like he doesn't know if he wants to believe it or not. It just doesn't make any sense. Suddenly, he shakes his head, to and fro almost violently. "No, no. I have to have done something wrong…I-I'm sorry I asked you to go there with me and-and you had to see that. And, then I nearly puked in your car and I yelled. And-and…I'm sorry."
He's sorry for those things. Those insignificant things. I'm the one that agreed to go with him to get his things. I'm the one that volunteered. And, who cares if he yelled at me to stop the car? Who cares if he nearly puked in it? It's a piece of junk anyway! Why would anyone care about those stupid things! Has he really been hurt so many times that he doesn't even understand what matters and what doesn't? Have all those people that have used him really done that much damage? How could they? How could they hurt him like that? I just don't understand…
"Listen, Zexy…you really don't need to apologize for that kind of stuff." He tilts his head to the side, not really understanding what I'm trying to say. It's like I'm trying to explain to a child how to interact with others on their first day of kindergarten. "I mean, why does it matter that you yelled at me just on little time- and you had a good reason for it! Yelling sometimes is okay…you know that, right? It's not always done because a person's mad…or because they want to hurt you. It just…happens sometimes. Okay? I'm not angry at you for that. And, of course I'm not angry with you for going with you to go and get your things." I sigh, watching him nervously worry his bottom lip in between his sharp little teeth. "Don't you remember, Zexy? I went of my own free will. You didn't make me do anything. Okay? Please don't think you have to apologize. You really didn't do anything wrong." I try to force a smile, but I'm sure he can see through it. Those eyes of his, always studying, they should know what my real smile looks like, and, this, this isn't it.
"Oh. I understand." He mumbles, curling his feet inward. He's lying. Even I can tell that he is. He doesn't understand anything that I'm trying to tell him. He doesn't understand any of it at all. It's like I'm speaking a foreign language that he just can't get the gist of.
"Yeah…" I can let him lie for now. I shouldn't push him too hard; he doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Least of all from someone like me. Someone so caught up in their fantasies of being able to save everyone. Someone so…unrealistic.
"Demyx…" I hear him mumble sometime later, watching my hesitantly, like he doesn't really think he should say anything, like it's something that he shouldn't be allowed to do. "Why were you apologizing to me?"
Oh.
I'd hoped he would forget.
Mom said to never run from your problems, and I guess I shouldn't run from mine either. "I…was just going to apologize for scaring you. I shouldn't have yelled…I wasn't mad at you, I swear. It was just…that guy. He made me so angry…how could you let him treat you like that! How could you let him touch you! You don't deserve that type of treatment! From anyone! Least of all that garbage!" And, I'm yelling again, unable to help myself even as I see him backing up on the couch, covering his ears, terrified once again. I know I should stop, but I can't stop. I can't stop the burning hatred I feel towards that man. How dare he touch Zexion! How dare he be violent with him! How dare he!
Abruptly, Zexion stands, glaring at me with those intense cobalt eyes of his, both visible, his hair pulled back behind one pale little ear. "Why do you care?! Why do you care how he treated me?! Why would you care enough about me to yell-scream-get angry?! Why would you?! I'm not worth it and you know it! Why would you do something like that for me?! For me of all people?!" I don't think I've ever seen him so determined, so broken beneath the skin, his chest heaving a little too heavily, his fists clenched a little too tightly by his sides. "Tell me why in the hell you give a fuck about me!"
And, I can't help but tell him the truth. I can't help but scream my heart out to him, to tell him what I told myself I wouldn't because I didn't want to hurt him. "Because I love you! Can't you see that?!"
Why can't I keep my big, fat mouth shut?
This chapter kills me! It didn't want to be written and it didn't turn out at all how I wanted it to! I swear, that was supposed to be a lot more heartfelt and much less scream-y!
*glares* Whatever. It's done. It's late, but it's done. And, yes, I'm awful to Zexion. I love him, but I'm mean to him...we hurt the ones we love, right? Don't judge...
The next chapter should be up a bit faster and to clear anything up that wasn't, the confusing bit at the beginning is when Zexion was barely awake- or not awake at all and dreaming, however you want to interpret it.