Dedication: This story — yes, this entire story — is dedicated to Zapenbits, who's been reading my stories literally from the very beginning, and who never has anything bad to say about anything I write. She's been very encouraging, and her reviews always brighten up my day, and I'm forever grateful for her. Love ya Zappy!
—:—:—…Previously…—:—:—
Ichigo chuckled. "I think even she realizes she would never get that lucky."
Rukia swung her leg out, feeling a vague sense of satisfaction when it connected with Ichigo's shin. "Ow." Ichigo moaned, and the swing creaked as Ichigo, Rukia presumed, bent down to rub the offending area. "You really are the worst, you know that, right?"
"I've been informed." Rukia grinned. It felt incredibly empty.
"All right, as long as you're sure. So besides the boxes in the kitchen, how's everything else going?"
Shadow of the Day — XIII
—:—:—Wednesday, June 24th, 2008—:—:—
Dear Rukia,
Have I mentioned how hard it is to find someone who teaches Braille in Karakura Town? I finally got a-hold of your old teacher — how the hell did you put up with her? — and she taught me a little, then I invested in this old Braille type-writer thing I found at a store she pointed me to. I still kind of suck at this whole thing, so you'll have to excuse any mistakes I make.
How's it going at your new house? Lots of boxes? I bet you're tripping over everything — yeah, I know, if we were standing together you'd kick me right now. Guess you'll have to just settle for hating me as you read this.
Yuzu misses you. She keeps asking if we can go out to Tokyo and visit you, but Dad says with money as tight as it is right now, he can't really afford to take a day off and drive us out there. That isn't stopping Yuzu from trying, though — you know how stubborn she is. I kind of wish Dad would just cave and drive us out — even just to shut Yuzu up. I want to see you too.
So is your new house big? Have you gotten lost yet? I can just see you wandering around, trying to find walls, and if your brother and sister weren't home forget it…yeah, I know, you want to kick me again. Too bad for you, ha-ha.
Hope you know I'm kidding. Just pointing that out.
Sorry. I don't really know what to say. I've been trying to write this for hours now, and I'm still just saying what's coming to mind, and it' coming out all wrong, and I…just really don't know. I miss you. That's all I really want to say right now. I miss you, and I miss the time we spent in the park, and I just…I miss it all. If it's possible, I want to see you. Soon.
—Ichigo
—:—:—Tuesday, June 23rd, 2008—:—:—
Dear Ichigo,
It took me forever to figure out how I was going to write to you. As an absolute last resort I was going to ask Nee-san to just write what I told her to, but I didn't really want to have to put up with that. Then my brother bought me this keypad — it's kind of cool, it has Braille letters on it and you can use it to type stuff then hook it up to a computer and print it out in regular letters. I'm not all that great with it, so there are probably a lot of mistakes. Sorry.
How's your break been? Done anything fun? I've been trying to convince Hisana to drive me back for a day — you know, to visit — but she's busy trying to get the house straightened out and getting her classes in order — she's taking summer courses right now, she's missing a few required subjects and if she wants to graduate next year she needs to take them now. Nii-sama really screwed her up by making her transfer this far in. They're kind of in a fight right now — Nee-san and Nii-sama, I mean. I don't know if she's mad about the school thing or just the whole move in general, but she's been really stiff with him lately — I've never heard her this mad. I don't think Nii-sama is either, he has no clue how to handle it. He spends a lot of time working now.
How's your family doing? I bet Yuzu-chan and Karin-chan have been keeping you busy, being home all day. Is your father still driving you nuts? I bet he is. You must be going insane now that you don't have an excuse to be out of the house every night. Unless maybe you decided to finally, you know, get a real life. If you even know what something like that is.
Hope you know I'm just teasing.
You know at first I wasn't going to write to you. But I guess I'm just selfish, because whether or not you want to hear from me, I want to write to you. I miss it. I miss all the time we spent at the park, the river, my house. I miss you. I want to see you again. Soon, if it's possible.
—Rukia
—:—:—Wednesday, July 4th, 2008—:—:—
Rukia,
How are you? Have you found a new place to go at night? Or do you just wander around the streets now? I'm assuming you still go out at night, of course — I can't imagine you staying held up in the house night after night, not when you're used to have so much freedom. Then again, Tokyo is bigger than Karakura Town, your siblings probably don't like the idea of you wandering around too much. But then again, when has their disapproval ever stopped you?
I went to the beach with a couple of friends today. It was fun — I guess. I just sort of sat on the blanket and watched them most of the time, I wasn't in the mood to go swimming or anything. It was nice to get out of the house though. I think I've been spending too much time locked up in my room. There just hasn't been anything to do. I've been playing my guitar a lot more since summer started, I even started writing song, though I haven't gotten very far in it. I'm trying though. My dad and sisters think it's great I started playing again. I only did it because of you, though. You seemed to love it that one time I played for you…
You know how you're always saying time is non-existent? It doesn't feel that way right now. It feels like time is just dragging by now, minute after minute, day after day. Nothing seems to be moving anymore. It went by much faster when you were here.
I still go to the park sometimes. I still go to the swings. Or I'll go to the river. Some nights I just really don't feel like going home and I'll go to both, sit there for hours. I'm sure I look pretty ridiculous to anyone who sees me — I just sit there and stare at the stars, or out at the water when I'm at the river, or when I'm at the swings sometimes I just stare into the woods, like I'm waiting for someone. I must look insane.
I still miss you. Hope you're doing all right. Say hello to your sister for me.
—Ichigo
—:—:—Saturday, July 7th, 2008—:—:—
Ichigo,
I swore I wouldn't write to you again — really I did. But today is your birthday, and I've been thinking about you all day, and finally I decided that I just needed to write to you. I wanted to say happy birthday…and anyways writing to you makes me feel better. So I'm going to keep writing. And I'm going to tell you everything. Okay?
There's this park near my house, it's specifically geared towards kids with different kinds of disabilities — you know, kids who are blind or death, or have some other kind of handicap. They even light it up at night for kids like me — kids who can't go out in the sunlight. There aren't that many of course, none with cases as severe as mine — but there are a few. Just kids who can't go out during the day for one reason or another. I met this one girl, she has skin cancer, she spent too much time in the sun when she was little, and now her parents are afraid to let her outside during the day. She's nice, not at all bitter about the way her life is going, and she seems pretty confident she's going to beat this cancer. Optimistic, I guess. Kind of wish I could be like that.
I'm still home alone during the day. Usually during the summer Nee-san is around, but like I said before, she has to take those summer courses, so now she's gone for most of the day too. I didn't realize how much I missed the company — it gets lonely in the house by myself. Sometimes Hinamori — that's the girl I mentioned in the last paragraph — can talk her mother into bringing her over, but it's such a big production, she has to get all dressed up so none of her skin is showing, and it's a million degrees outside during the day, so usually when she offers to come over I just tell her not to bother. It's too much of a hassle for her.
Nii-sama and Nee-san still aren't really talking to each other. I'm starting to think something may be wrong between them — permanently wrong, I mean. Nii-sama can be cold sometimes — I'm sure you remember — but he and Nee-san always got along. They barely talk now though, and when they do it usually turns into an argument. I'm worried.
So have you done anything with your summer yet? I'd hate to think about you just sitting in your house all day brooding. Go and have some fun while you still can. Summer will be over before you know it, and then you'll be complaining that you're back in school and that you wasted your entire summer. Remember that.
I miss you. Happy birthday.
—Rukia
—:—:—Monday, July 16th, 2008—:—:—
Rukia,
I don't really have much to say right now, not much as changed since I last wrote you. I wrote a little bit more of that song I was telling you about — I was thinking maybe if I ever finished it I could, ya know, make a recording and send it to you. If you want me to, I mean. Let me know.
Summer's almost half over. It feels like it's been dragging on forever. Before you told me you were moving, I was looking forward to this — I could stay out as late as I wanted with you, I didn't have to come home and get to bed and get up for school…I could have been just like you — not trapped by time. I could have stayed with you all night, and I could have walked you home when it was time to go…I was looking forward to that, ya know? But now you're not here, and I have nothing to do, and everything is going by so slow…and I almost wish it was time to go back to school, just so I'd have something to do with myself and maybe for a minute I could stop thinking about you.
I just realized how bad that last line sounded. I'm not saying I want to forget about you or anything — I never want to forget you. It just…it hurts. I think about you every single second of every single day, I sit at the park or the river every night now, and all I can see in my mind is you, and it hurts so much. But that doesn't mean I want to forget. Because I don't. I could never forget you — and I never want to try.
I'm probably freaking you out with the way I'm writing. Is that why you haven't written me back? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you off. All you have to do is say the word, and I'll stop writing these things — or stop writing all together, if you'd prefer that. It's your call, Rukia.
Still miss you. I don't think that's ever going away.
—Ichigo
—:—:—Wednesday, July 18th, 2008—:—:—
Ichigo,
Hinamori says I'm a masochist because I keep writing to you. But I can't help it. It's a bit…cathartic, I guess is the right word. Writing to you makes me feel a little bit better. Like I've gotten some big weight off my chest.
Everything seems so dark now. I know, I know — I'm a blind girl living with a disease that makes it impossible for me to go out into the sun, everything is always dark in my world. But before…when I was with you…things seemed brighter, in a strange way. Like you added light to things — a light only I could see. God this isn't making any sense at all, is it? I'm not good with words, I guess. The simple way to say all of this is that I was…happy, when I was with you. Happier than I could ever remember being. And now I'm all the way in Tokyo, and I haven't spoken to you since we moved and…I'm not happy anymore. I wasn't happy before I met you either, though. Not according to my sister anyways. She says you brought something into my life that I'd never had before. I thought she meant you gave me a friend, but I have another friend now, and I'm still not happy, so that can't be right…I don't understand. Any of it. I don't understand why I think about you so much, why, when I even so much as think your name, it hurts so much. Why, when I ask Nii-sama every day and he says there are no letters from you, I feel like I want to cry. Why I can't stop thinking about you. Why you made me so happy. I don't understand any of it.
Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me? Is that why you haven't written, because it hurts so much? I understand that, at least…every time I try to sit down and write to you, I spend hours just sitting there, trying to figure out what to say, trying to figure out how to say everything in a way that won't make you think I'm insane. Apparently I haven't been doing a very good job though, because you haven't been writing back. Did I say something wrong? Is that it? Please tell me, Ichigo. If I said something wrong, I want to know so I don't say it again. Please write me back.
I still miss you. I thought that would go away after awhile…but I'm beginning to think it's permanent.
—Rukia
—:—:—Thursday, July 31st, 2008—:—:—
Rukia,
You know I'm the one to talk to, (I will listen), I wanna hear, the things you don't wanna say, let me hear it (I just wanna hear it).
That's a line from my song, I just wrote it a couple minutes ago. I stared at it for awhile, and decided I wanted to write you another letter, even though you still haven't written me back. I needed to write to you. And I needed to tell you that song line, because it just made me think of you. It made me think about all the time we spent at the park, and all the time you spent complaining to be about things, and every single thing you told me. You knew you could talk to me. You never hesitated.
So why are you hesitating now? Tomorrow will make it two months since you moved, and you haven't written me back once. If you don't want to talk to me anymore, you can tell me, I won't be upset. Okay, that's a lie. I might be a little upset. But if you don't want to write to me, you can tell me, and I promise I won't hold it against you. At least I'll know. That's all I really want right now Rukia. I want to know. Even just one letter — even a goodbye letter — would be nice.
And if you decide you want to write to me and tell me what's going on in your life, that'd be even better. I'm still willing to listen, Rukia, to anything you want to talk about. I'm not going anywhere. But I'm going to stop bothering you. I won't write to you until you write back. I promise.
Miss you. Write me back soon.
—Ichigo
—:—:—Tuesday, July 29th, 2008—:—:—
Ichigo,
I swore to myself I wouldn't write to you until I got a letter back. But I can't help myself. Nii-sama and Nee-san are downstairs arguing, and the sun hasn't set yet, so I can't even go out and get away from them. I need someone to talk to. I could call Hinamori, but then she'd hear them arguing, and insist on coming over, and I don't really want to bother her. Besides…you're who I really want to talk to.
I don't know why you haven't written me back. Is it because you don't want to talk to me anymore? If that's the case I really wish you would just tell me, instead of ignoring me. It would hurt if you said you didn't want me to write you any more letters, but I'd get over it. But just not having you speak to me…that hurts so much more.
I want to know how you've been doing. I want you to tell me about your summer. I want you to complain about all the crazy things your father has done, to tell me how your sisters are doing, how much you aren't or are looking forward to going back to school. I want you to tell me everything. I won't write you again until I get a letter back from you, I promise. And if I don't get a letter back…well we'll cross that bridge when we get there, won't we?
I miss you. Please write me back. Even if it's just to say goodbye.
—Rukia
—:—:—Sunday, August 31st, 2008—:—:—
Rukia,
I know I said I wouldn't send another letter until you wrote me back. But I needed to send you another one. I needed to say goodbye.
I've been trying all summer, but I guess you aren't interested anymore. And I understand that. So I'll leave you alone, okay? And if I do write anymore letters, I won't send them, I promise. I'm going to leave this up to you now, Rukia. It's your call, all right? This entire thing is in your hands.
Before I finish this though, I want to say something: I'm starting to realize why it hurts so much that you've been gone for so long, and you haven't written back. You're important to me, Rukia. Very important. I know they say time heals all wounds, but I think they're wrong. Because tomorrow will make three months since you moved away, and the wound you left in me is as big as ever. This feeling will never go away.
How insane will you think I am if I tell you I think I've fallen in love with you?
I'm leaving this to you now, Rukia. If you decide not to write me back…than I guess this will be goodbye. I'll wait for you though. I promise. I'm yours forever.
Love,
Ichigo
Ichigo,
This is the last time I'll write to you. I get the hint — you don't want to talk to me anymore. I wish you would have at least told me, but I guess maybe you were trying to save me some of that hurt. You get points for trying, I suppose. The truth is, though, not writing just made it a lot worse.
I have a question: is two months too short of a time to fall in love? Because we only had two months together, but somehow, I think I managed to fall in love with you. That's the only explanation there is as to why all this hurts so much — being away from you, not hearing from you, all of it. If you were just a friend, I don't think it would hurt at all — or at the very least, it would have already gone away. But it's still here, as present as ever, and I don't think it'll ever disappear. I'm just going to have to learn to live with it, I guess.
I won't write to you anymore, unless you write me back, of course. The ball is in your court. No matter what happens, though, I'll always be yours. You made me happy, Ichigo. You gave me my life. I belong to you. Forever.
Love,
Rukia
4:55 p.m.
Ichigo rubbed his eyes as he finished folding the letter and put it in the already addressed and stamped envelope. He sealed the envelope and stood up, going downstairs to get his jacket and shoes.
"I'm going out." He called as he slipped into his shoes and pulled his jacket on, slipping the letter into his pocket. "Be back in a few."
The mailbox was only a couple streets over, but Ichigo dragged his feet, trying to drag this walk out as long as possible. It felt like the beginning of the end for him. He was sending this letter — and he was saying goodbye.
It hurt so much.
You don't have to do this, a voice in the back of his head whispered as he pulled open the door on the mailbox and took the letter out of his pocket. Just keep writing. I'm sure she'll write you back eventually.
It had been two months, though, since Ichigo had written the first of many letters. Two months, and there hadn't been one response. Rukia wasn't going to write him back.
And he was done bothering her. Obviously she didn't feel the same way he did.
He dropped the letter into the mailbox and walked away.
5:02 p.m.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Hisana asked quietly. Rukia nodded, refusing to turn her face in her sister's direction.
"If he doesn't want to write me back, that's fine. I'm going to stop bothering him."
"You don't know—"
"It's been over two months, Nee-san." Rukia interrupted Hisana, annoyed. "He's not going to write me back. I'm not going to keep bothering with someone who has no interest in being my friend."
And with that she turned and hurried upstairs, not wanting her sister to see the tears forming in her blind eyes.
—:—:—Saturday, September 6th, 2008 – 10:52 a.m.—:—:—
Byakuya opened the mailbox, pulling out the stack of envelopes that greeted him. He was not at all surprised to find yet another hand-addressed envelope who's return address was Karakura Town.
He took the letter of the pile, slipping it into his back pocket. He'd put it with the others later.
For over two months now he'd kept up a series of interventions, taking the letters Rukia wrote under the pretense of mailing them, and making sure they were never sent. Likewise, he always made sure to check the mail before Hisana, making sure to always take the one from Ichigo and hiding it. As far as either of his sisters knew, the boy had just never bothered to write a letter.
Byakuya knew better, of course. There were several others — just like the one currently hiding in his pocket — hidden away in the back of his desk. But he knew it was only a matter of time before Kurosaki got bored and stopped writing. And when that time came, Rukia would be even more crushed than she had been by the fact that the boy just hadn't written.
Rukia had already suffered enough hurt to last a lifetime. She didn't some careless, irresponsible teenager adding to it.
Author's Note: So I really turn Byakuya into a jackass in my stories, don't I? Oops. Well don't worry, he's heading for a major epiphany in about two chapters…hope that pride doesn't choke him as it goes down. :-P Review please. Oh, and Disclaimer: The song lyrics written at the beginning of Ichigo's fourth letter do not belong to me — they belong to my friends' band, Halfway Point and their song Beautiful Eyes. Look 'em up on MySpace — they're awesome. Anyways, as I was saying before — review please and let me know what you think! — Sam